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Very fed up bride to be...do I have to please everyone?

Hi,



I just need to let off some steam and understand if this is what planning as wedding is meant to be like.

Most of my family dont seem to bothered about the preperations (untill it disturbes them) and then if I get upset its like Im being spoilt, but then they still want to comment on my decisions!

I had to change my wedding date for family reasons so now have 8 mths to plan !!! As if! - some will not make my engagement party as they are on holiday and now Im just starting to think what is the point? Is there a way to please everyone?

Am just about to shut off and say I cant be bothered anymore, I dont think I have cried this much in ages....



Any ideas ? image

[Modified by: Akoshia143 on 07 December 2008 16:12:37 ]

Posts

  • ronniqronniq Posts: 229
    Sorry to hear what your going through..............



    Ur not the only one feeling this way, i'm have already shut down. I even regret putting the deposit on my wedding dress.



  • Planning your wedding should be a happy and exciting time and I'm sad to hear that it's depressing you. What is your H2B saying about it?



    I have organised everything for my wedding so far and to be honest, if anyone has disagreed with my decisions I have justified it to them as it is what I (and my H2B) want - it is OUR day after all so why should I change things to please others? It's not their wedding!



    Do what you want to. You may feel that people will disagree but on the day, when it is everything you ever wanted, it will be worth it.



    If they knew how much it was upsetting you and making the planning hard perhaps they would shut up. Grrrr....people!!!
  • Hi Ik Wifey and MrsG,



    Ik Wifey. why do you regret it? Now is the time to just scream and get everything off your chest. Thats so sad, Im so sorry.



    Im just so fed up as its like my Mum lives abroad which is fine but when I need here she is never here and now she cant make my dates which was september 2009 so now i have to push for early August, im sure that anywheer half decent will be gone by then. My dad is just no even worth metioning, but I GTD you that on the day he will be standing there smiling like everything is Ok. H2B is trying to be as supportive as he can but he does not understand. Plus Im studying for my final year and just got told Im being made redundant. Im meant to be working now but I really cant be bothered anymore. I dont know what to do, I meant to be happy but I cant stop crying cos its just one thing after another.
  • It does sound like it's a lot of things all combining up to make life a very stressful time for you. It's a difficult time for a lot of people who are being made redundant and struggling financially.

    If this is the case then it may be an idea to postpone your wedding - I know you'll probably hate the idea but I thought I'd put it out there anyway. Also, changing your date to an off-season one can save you hundreds, if not thousands of pounds. I'm getting married in December and my venue is almost £4000 cheaper than in July!! Speak to your H2B and see what he thinks. At the very least you'll get a big squeezy hug out of it!



    D x
  • awww akoshia x listen you've hit the nail on the head.. you cant pls everyone! and sometimes it does feel as though family are trying to stand in the way of our having our perfect day...but they are either from a different generation where their wedding wasnt about the couple - as it is supposed to be now....OR they know its about you but frankly are too selfish to let you do something that they find awkward! Neither of these situations you can help... they will do as they pls...and for some reason because they are your family they feel this gives them license to take an interest when it suits them and pick at your ideas too!



    It happens to the best of us huni x you just have to ignore them, I know its much easier said than done, but you have to just say ' yes aunty, i'll take that on board' x dont waste your pretty tears on things that they have probably forgotten about! save them for the tear sof joy you will cry when you DO have your perfect day.



    i'd say, as hard as it is... stick to your guns and do what pleases YOU because on that wedding night you and h2b need to leave happy that you had your perfect day...



    trust me.. this is what I am doing...



    I am having a wedding reception in a hall with no parking and will provide a shuttle bus for people from a local car park! When they've finished their meal they will all have to go an take 'coffee' in another room whilst the banquet room is turned around for dancing etc... people WILL complain.. but frankly this is the only way they could be invited given the limited space of 250 seated in MY 1st choice venue...



    also I am having my wedding on 5th dec in uK! so it will be freezing! but that's the convenient time for me and h2b as we have other things going on in our lives much to everyone's surprise! and to top it all off i want a purple colour scheme which apparently will look like its a funeral.... so i'm sure next to me, you're a model bride!
  • Oh ibiduni4nana your an inspirational woman LOL LOL No parking LOL LOL Thats the first thing his familyu are talking about! Its crazy they are trying to break me but it will not work. My 1st choice venue only holds 120 people. To be honest I dont know 120 people that I would want there on MY wedding day but you know family...oh so and so must come and oh yes this one must come too!! Im really thinking about December now like you and Mrs G said. I know that loads of people will moan but we are paying for the wedding so I guess that we should have what we want.

    I think Purple sounds really nice, I like the colour purple, at least you have your colours I have no idea and in December you need some colour.



    So Mrs G and ibiduni4nana thank you so much for the ideas, you have most certainly made me laugh and forget the foolishness for a while. I think I will look in to that for sure. Mrs G, if it was £4000 less than July...can I ask where your venue is? Im sure its amazin!!!
  • nimsgirlnimsgirl Posts: 480

    I am sending you a big hug, ah bless we are here from you. Remember. It will be alright on the night x
  • Ladies, this is something we all face - family can make things difficult, not on purpose - but you really need to do what you and H2B want - its you're day! I was in the situtation where nobody seemed interested, apparently the wedding was too far away, (less than 1 year) but I was like, this isn't Nigeria, weddings take time to plan as venues are booked up to two years in advance! So my H2B and I just planned stuff ourself, now we've just got 3 months to go and most of the stuff has been booked, some family members moaned that we didn't involve them - no pleasing some people! But I ain't mad at them - I'm just like, well we needed to book stuff as we have so much on next year, we wanted to avoid the stress, I also enjoyed telling that we did try to involve them but they were busy. This has also given us a way out when they start trying to invite their friends - sorry, limited seating and catering, booked and paid for, no changes can be made - full stop! We also chose an 'off peak' time to get married, March - DISCOUNTS GALORE - its great, we saved on cars, marquee etc, so that's been a real blessing in itself!



    So all in all, you're not alone hun, be strong and remember its about you and H2B, after the wedding the real work begins (building the marriage), so make sure you make the day all you want it to be xx

    [Modified by: Soon-to-be on December 07, 2008 09:06 PM]

  • Awwww Akoshia, don't worry too much about family members. Somehow they never seem to live up to our expectations. Everyone has their own idea of how the wedding should go but like everyone else says, it really is up to you and your hubby. I was so disappointed in my mum's lack of interest in the whole planning, everytime I asked her for help on something it took her forever to get back to me! I understand its hard because she lives in Hungary so it makes things a bit harder but I grew up in the states and have no idea about what goes on at a trad wedding and everytime I asked questions I would get an arsey response, like I should know these things. Well how the hell am I supposed to know when I've never been married before?!!!!!!!! Sigh! So I'm getting the info I need from cousins etc at the moment and the rest I'm just winging it! LOL!



    And of course I've been getting lots of calls from "concerned" Aunties asking what the heck I'm thinking marrying a white guy, like they are riddled with diseases or something. I'm not exactly sure what they expect me to do with their information, like oh you feel that way? Well the wedding's off then.... As if!



    No matter how much you want someone to help out oor be what you want them to be it seems like the always fall short which is a shame. Keep your head up hun, you'll be fine!



  • www.achangairn.com



    Totally over our budget but we have compromised on other areas so we could have it as we both fell in love with it when we went to see it!
  • reading this thread has made me laugh!!! it seems like all go through the same thing..like you akiosha i'm still at uni...and my mom and aunties have been talking about how we should wait till 2010... as if! i'm yet to get a don't marry a white guy lecture not when my guy can finish a plate of jollof and plantain before you turn around..i guess my point is ppl will always have an opinion... but at the end of the day ..inspite of the frills it all comes down to both of you and the love you share!
  • well said engagedp. xx if you're still in uni, i'm guessing your still quite young? like me.. age is something that people see as a reason not to take you seriously sometimes -annoyingly i know. but you're old enougfh to know who you love and when and how to marry them, just do your thing huni x those that truly love you will have a perfect day too because they will see your smile... a smile radiates miles... you will see.



    i have a friend who married an englishman and when she announced it..her mum refused to coime to the wedding....so she went ahead and planned her whole wedding w/t her parents blessing..because she loved him! i went to that wedding in july and whilst she chose to do what SHE wanted...she had a perfect day. the mum also conceeded a few weeks b4 the wedding and agreed to go! now she's happily married to her 'vanilla boy' - her words llol xxx
  • LOL!! h2b can clear a plate of not only jollof rice but pounded yam and vegetable soup the hotter the better!!! You should see him roll up a ball of pounded yam, impressive!!! My aunties don't know him at all, which is a possible reason why they've come to conclusions based on stereotypes and/or insecurities as a result of negative experiences with English people... Who knows, who cares. My h2b's an Aussie anyway LOL! All I know is whoever meets h2b falls instantly in love with him! Same thing happened to me and my mother would probably marry him herself if she didn't love my dad LOL!! The fact that my parents love him so much makes things a whole lot easier and yes as long as you're both happy, everyone else can go jump in a lake. No one's going to crawl into bed with you guys and share your intimacy and until they do, they really have no say!

    [Modified by: Geministar on December 08, 2008 06:33 PM]

  • Hi Ladies, reading this thread echoed memories from just a few months ago! I was crying every night and feeling at a loss! Trying to please everyone made it so difficult for me to be happy. I had my trad on 1st Nov and it was a miracle that we kept smiling as we were fairly knackered!



    I agree that you should do what you want. My parents major hurdle was accepting english H2B. They got round to it soon enough but it was a litte tricky trying to organise customary stuff. In the end we had a fab, disorganised (in true naija style), fun trad day. After all the hurdles my parents were very happy. I was so proud of us puling it off. H2B was amazing! We had to go to naija 2 weeks later for grandad's funeral and he went down a storm! everyone one loved him and they are still raving about him. I think my parents really realised how much we loved each other and were perfect together, partly because we spent the whole 2 weeks with folks. He fitted in with village life and culture and did not bat an eyelid at the heat!



    Now we are planning for the engish ceremony in April I am determined to do what will make me the happiest. We have a tight budget and are having to be creative but that is ok. I am just really looking forward to marrying him and having a fab party. You just have to be firm babes, it's our day not theirs!



    The point to my whole story is not to isten to other people's opinion as all the other lovely ladies have suggested. You will probably hear remarks about your choice of partner but it's your choice! They are not the ones getting married!



    I am bracing myself for more "you did not consult us" but you know what? I feel like I can rise above it all now, especially since we went out of our way to give them a fab trad party and are still paying off my bridal gifts to the villager and families! Because we wanted to have a smaller english ceremony H2B and I decided having a larger trad party. Most people do it the other way I think.



    Babes - think what's the worst that can happen if you stand your ground? You are happy on the day. And more importantly, they usualy do come round in the end!

    [Modified by: chichiN on December 08, 2008 09:28 PM]

  • right on!! it seems like we're on the same page here! yeah i'm still young ..i'm 20 i don't think my mom cares so much about him as a person as he is her son ..her words! i melted the first time i heard that considering that when our relationship went from best friend to boyfriend it took her 6 months to come round.. its more her concern that i might get pregnant b4 i get degree etc..hasnt she heard of the pill for when we start doing it?! lol .. honestly!

    girly kep your head up! its meant to be a happy time!!!

    back to my essay now! lol
  • YOUR DAY YOUR WAY!!!
  • Hi girls, thank you so much for all of your support. Its really nice to have so many good comment...

    WELL I had a good old hissy fit yesterday morning and told H2B that I DONT CARE anymore and that when he and everyone else is ready then let me know. lol lol. Since then he has been buying magazines and loooking at venues and everything.

    To the ladies who are having mixed marriages, mine is Nigerian and im from Guyana! Its not liek he is white but i think for my grandparents he might as well be but to be honest I dont care cos its not them who I am spending the rest of my life with so its my choice!! Funny I can choose a man but not my wedding date!! MrsG I looked at the venue and its AMAZING I hope that you have a fantasic time. When is your date?

    ibiduni4nana im not that young LOL im a 'mature student' Im 27 but look like im 20!! I got refused Tia Maria in Sainsburys a few weeks ago!! To be honest since telling everyone that I dont care Im feeling alot better!! No more drama...even though H2B thinks I have stopped look (I havent but he doesnot need to know lol)

    I do hope that every bride who has dramas sorts it out as everyone says to me

    THIS IS THE BRIDES DAY!!!

  • lol

    I am so part of the brides day brides way club!

    At first I was pretty 'accomodating' as long as I had the specific things that I wanted, but then all these suggestions were appearing with no money to fund them, h2b and I are on a tight budget (5k), and so are limited with what we can do and have to prioritise what is important to us!

    Now the steam roller is rolling, I cant really hear anyone, I have just over 2 months to go, a whole lot to do and only 2 pairs of hands working, so I dont want to hear it! lol



    As harsh as it sounds, people need to be grateful they are invited at all, we were going to elope! lol



    All of you, keep smiling, this period of time is going to go so quickly that it would be a shame to not be able to look back and smile about it! x
  • ronniqronniq Posts: 229
    QUEENCLEO82 - ur so right - its my day and my way. If you don't like it then tough.



    As for me i'm doing everything my way and have made a decision to ignore negativity. With my wonderful H2B behind me it makes it all the more easier to do it. For once in my life its all about me.



    Oh by the way i'm back in the mood for a wedding.

    [Modified by: Ik's wifey on December 10, 2008 09:15 PM]

  • It back on and Im on full bridal form lol!!
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