Uninterested parents :(

Is anybody elses parents not in the slightest bit interested in your wedding? My mum especially doesn't seem bothered that her eldest daughter is getting married, and I don't know why! I would imagine that most mum's would be extatic and would want to be involved within the whole planning process, but mine just isn't.

I know I am "only 21" but I have been with my fiance (Scott) since I was 15 and I know that we will be together for the rest of lives. We are each other's best friend and I truly believe he is my sole mate. I can see us having a family and being very, very happy. I know I should be talking about this to my parents, but to honest I think they would just laugh at me. Although we are quite a close family we don't openly talk about our feelings very much. My mum even said to me the other day that she doesn't want us to have children too early as she's not old enough to be a nan! It has noting to do with her if we feel we're ready to start a family! ARGHHHH it just makes me soooooooooooooo angry! That and the fact that everytime I say something wedding related they say "oh you don't want to go planning anything now" and I'm thinking why not? I can plan what I like with my money image Oh yeah, they haven't even hinted that they'll be paying for anything!

However, I am ever so lucky to have a GREAT mother inlaw to be who is always discussing wedding stuff with me and is paying for the dj (and they don't even have that much money) - I think it's because she was blessed with only having 4 sons and no daughters lol!

I just wondered if there was anyone who could empathise with me?


  • hey

    im the opposite. my mum is talking about the wedding with me non stop. shes even going to use her saved up money to pay the deposit on my dress. (which is weird to think about, when we've not booked anything yet)

    but my future in laws are completely uninterested... i got 'unofficially' engaged 6 months into my relationship (got officially engaged in april), and i think my future in laws never saw us properly lasting. peter's dad is annoyed with him cos he sided with his sister (major bust up there) so its at the moment it doesnt even look like the in laws will even come to our wedding, let alone offer any money towards the wedding.

    im also 21, and although only been with peter for 3 1/2years, neither of us can see our lives without each other; some people seem shocked were engaged.

    seriously dont worry about ur parents... u have ur soon 2b mum in law, and the only thing thats important when getting married, is the love u and ur partner have for one another.

    oh and the comment ur mum said about not wanting to be a nan yet, ignore her, when u finally decide to have children she will love it. my mum used to say that all the time, until recently and said shes actually looking forward to it, although quickly said not just yet though lol.
  • sorry double sent it oops

    [Modified by: Nessie1987 on September 24, 2008 05:04 PM]

  • Yes! My mother seems to think the whole thing is a big joke. H2b and I have been friends since I was 15 and together since I was 17. We got engaged in May after being together for 2 and a half years and my mother was really nasty about it. She's made really horrible comments about my ring (which is really pretty), us living together, the fact that we've saved a quarter of our budget already (in four months!)

    Blagh, it's not just that she's completely uninterested,it's the nastiness that comes with the uninterest. I completely sympathise with your comment about feeling like your parents will laugh at you.

    *hugs* I hope it gets better for you.

    [Modified by: karigan on September 24, 2008 05:14 PM]

  • BambagirlBambagirl Posts: 7,506
    Nowadays, many brides are in their late 20's or even 30's when they marry. I'm a 2nd time around bride aged 50. The reason (as far as I can see) that some parents are unsupportive of your wedding plans is that they possibly feel you're too young. I don't personally feel that falling in love and wanting to commit to one another has anything to do with age, actually but some Mams & Dads of my own age group might be concerned about whether your marriage would last. I'll admit that if my own daughter who's 19, nearly 20, got engaged I would be supportive but if her wedding plans were imminent I'd be concerned.

    Karigan's mother who's made negative comments about the fact her daughter & partner have already raised one-quarter of the wedding budget despite only saving for 4 months, is likely panicking that the wedding is going ahead anyway without her approval. Some parents feel that withdrawing financial sponsorship will put the brakes on a wedding that they feel is happening too swiftly. The young couple are determined to have the wedding they want though and when smugly told by one or both sets of parents that such a wedding is expensive, then say that they'll save up! This can produce a snigger or 2 from parents who've NEVER seen their son or daughter able save for anything in their life. Such mockery only stiffens the resolve of the young couple who go ahead and save up regardless!

    Sometimes when a sizeable sum is amassed in the wedding fund, the parents think that their own son or daughter has put the lion's share of cash into this project and their child's partner has contributed very little. Sometimes this may even be true!!

    On the positive side, given that so many couples marrying will be divorcing in later years, it's heartening to know that these young couples, faced with hostility & disapproval, have the maturity to be able to save & raise funds. Showing such maturity BEFORE the wedding means their chances of having a lasting marriage are much greater.

    I married at the age of 23. My parents hated my partner. They were convinced it wouldn't last or that he was not worthy of me. They were actually RIGHT. But all their nastiness towards him over the years (including one or two things that were absolutely unjustified) meant I hung on in there (in that marriage) for a lot longer - 8 years - than I would have done if they'd said NOTHING. My pride wouldn't let me admit defeat. As it was, I only had the courage to get the ball rolling on splitting up from my husband and seeking a divorce when my parents went on a long holiday overseas. If they were away and out of the picture, then no-one could say that they'd put me up to it or it wasn't my own decision.

    This time my parents are supportive but I'd still be marrying my Earl if they weren't. We're paying for everything ourselves because we don't want to have anyone else dictating to us on how much to spend, who to invite, what to wear & what to do.

    For those of you in your early 20's - in your parents' generation, this was the average age to get married. In your grandparents' or great-grandparents' generation, marrying in one's late teens was entirely normal & average - say a bride of 18 or 19 and a groom of 21 or so.

    However, parents forget and see that modern brides are much older. They feel you're missing out on something by marrying young! The truth is that there are so many more opportunities in this world for YOU than there ever were for THEM - whether you're married or not! Marriage generally won't make a difference to you being able to "do something" with your life!

    The best of luck to you all!

    Bambagirl xx

    [Modified by: Bambagirl on September 24, 2008 06:10 PM]

  • PikelettePikelette Posts: 1,096
    What a sensible message!

    I know that I'm one of those parents who would have been horrified if either of my sons had announced their intention to get married at 21 but, having said that, I hope I would have kept my opinions to myself and been thoroughly supportive.

    Only time will tell if your marriage will last but age alone is no guarantee of failure and there's no doubt that us parents can easily forget just what we were doing at the same age!

    PS. Actually I don't want to be a grandmother right now either but that's mainly because I still have difficulty accepting that I'm a grown-up myself!

    [Modified by: Pikelet on September 24, 2008 06:23 PM]

  • Mums are funny things, I know my mum would be exactly the same if not more negative if I had told her.

    My step mother however was quiet and uninteresrted at first and I took this as dissaproval and then realised she didnt want to take over and be a mumzilla - until I asked her to come dress shopping with me because I actually wanted her opinion!

    My dad didnt mention anything for a few weeks and then he asked about if we had made deffinate plans and thought about a budget before offering us any help. And as a comment to another family member in my ear shot said he was too young to be a grandad, to which I smartly replied " what about Lynnes(step mother) grandchildren then?

    I hope that she will get used to the idea and come around!
  • 'ilovescott' i think we live the same life. i was reading your post and i couldn't believe how similar our situation is. My parents are divorced and both remarried, and they love my partner but everytime i mention our wedding they change the subject or just think im fantasising. My mum and dad had my sister at 18 n 19 and were married 3 years later. They divorced when i was 2, so they werent actually married long, bout 4 years, so i totally understand that they dont want the same thing to happen to me. But were not marrying because im pregnant, we are in love. i realise we have to work hard at our relationship but marriage is what we both want. theres nothing i want more than a stable family (something i didnt grow up with) marriage, children, the works. This may be a fantasy, but who says it cant happen! my grandparents married at the age me and phil are now and they were still together till my grandpa passed away last month, so how come they last and we apparently cant?

    Sorry im ranting on, need to get it out of my system. Why does modern day society dictate when is too young or too old to get married? Shouldn't it be personal choice?

  • ilovescott - about you saying what your mum said about not wanting to be a nan, i remember what my future mother in law said to h2b a few years back....

    "tell Rachael to keep her legs shut, i dont wana be a granny yet"

    :O lol, luckily we get on well so i foind it funny, if but a bit shocking!!!!! xx
  • neither of my parents are interested, i got engaged when i was 17 to nick who was 20 but his parents were real happy, i've just started planning my wedding now i'm 19 and my mum won't even mention it. i'm confused about it all but i'm trying not to let it get me down
  • gemmiebabygemmiebaby Posts: 1,305
    My mum was uninterested to begin with, and I totally agree with Bambagirl's post. I think mum acted the way she did because she didnt actually think it would happen. Not in a bad way, but it just seemed so far in the future that she didnt see the need to get enthiused. Apart from that, she didnt marry my dad and her wedding to my stepdad was abroad so she never had this run up. I wont even mention my dads reaction!

    What im trying to say is that dont take this to heart. Once I told mum how i was feeling, she hadnt even realised and I realised that she was fighting many feelings herself that she hadnt realised...such as her difficulty in understanding dads reaction, money (hers and mine), and the fact that she thought i wouldnt want her help because im usually so independant. Things got so much better after I spoke to her and asked her for help!
  • When I told my Mam that we'd set a date her reaction was "well i hope you've got the money coz I haven't" and she never really mentioned it or asked about it after that. Although I did tell her when I found my dress and she came with me when i went to try it on and she actually cried! But then went back to not wanting to talk about it. I know how you feel it does really hurt sometimes.

    My Dad has never really been around much (I won't go into detail coz I get really ranty!) so I decided I would ask my cousin (who is more like a brother) to give me away. So the first time I seen my dad after telling him we'd set a date he asked "Have you got somebody lined up to walk you down the aisle?" I told him that I'd asked m cousin (and prepared myself to tell him the rehearsed speech of why I didn't think it was appropriate that he gave me away coz he was never around but i'd still really like him to be there) but i didn't get to do my speech because his answer was "oh good coz me and Lutchie (his filipino wife) are thinking about going to the Phillipines for 3 month so I probably won't be here" and that's as far as his interest went!

    So don't think you're on your own! There's a few of us out here that know what you're going through and i hope i speak for everyone when I say anytime you need a rant or a moan or ask a question or just to talk we'll all be here waiting to rant/moan/talk/listen whatever!

    Chin up and try not to let it get to you at the end of the day its your prents who will regret it when they realise that they haven't had any input into their little girls big day!

  • Just like to say a big thank you for your replies! It makes me feel a lot better knowing that other people are experiencing what I am!

    I've spoken to my dad about it and he actually showed approval about our choice of venue and realised how much thought we've put into our big day. He did say that he would rather us wait a couple of years so he can afford it, but then I explained to him that times have changed and we don't expect him to pay for everything; anything they donate will be a bonus to us.

    So we've figured about the problem with my dad; money, it's still my mum we're working on.

    She's somewhat "materialistic" and we think that if Dad wants to start putting some money away for us then she won't have any money to spend on shoes, clothes, bags etc...she is always claiming to be "depressed" when she can't go into town to buy clothes, which I think is very sad. I know we all like to spend money we don't have on new clothes etc...but there's a lot more in life to get depressed about! Apart fom her thinking we're too young, or her being scared we'll have babies right away, this is the only reason we can think of for her being so anti-wedding!

    I had a good chat with the mother in law yesterday and she doesn't know why Mum's being like this either. She's offered to come shopping with me if I need a mother's oppinion image They also said they will pay for the registrar aswell! We're over the moon with their offer, but have told them that paying for the dj's more than enough. We know they're very tight for money, but it really means a lot to me especially that they are so willing to help!


  • Im in the opostion, my mum is over the moon and cant stop her some days trying to take over but bless her she's excited.

    My dad who is married to my mum anymore is a little more reserved and not really interested but my main problem is i dont eventalk to my PIL at the moment cus of a big bust up in Jan when she cancelled a trip that i had planned with my H2B which made me angry cus we lost all our money.

    But recent events i.e her having a heart attack has made the healing process alot difficult has she will hardly have anyone around and H2B dad is even making the effort and there putting most the money towards the wedding, which now makes me feel really bad cus my family are only paying for everything that i need and me and my H2B are paying the rest i feel that i should pay more.

    But waht can i do with the PIL when im planning my wedding which they sud get involved with and there mainly paying for it just feels there actually against us getting married and my H2B says he's trying his best to sort out this situation. Is there anything i can do or do i just wait which could take till the actual wedding day to make up im confusedimage

    so i do understand how you feel it puts so much stress on you as a bride2be.

  • oh i have one set of parents that this is the problem... his but my parents are not caring until we have a date. but i think its stupid becasue we have to pretty much get things going becasue when he gets back we have about 6 months... idk i sometimes just want to grab them and shake them! but i love them... they will come around...
  • OMG.your story sounds similar to mine.Im also 21.I was beginning to think that my mum was the only 1 out there that wasnt intrested in her daughters wedding.Everytime i mention anything to do with my wedding she changes the subject.She doesnt even want to come with me to try dresses on.Its makes me soooo mad!Your not alone!!
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