6months to go and my dad isnt coming :(

Hiya,

im new to this but i wanted some advise and to vent really!

My mum and dad broke up when i was 12, it was a horrible break up which i wont go into but now my dad will not talk to my mum, go anywhere near my mum or anything. The only time they did was when my sister had a car accident and that lasted for 30 mins and sorting it all out after he would not communicate again!

Anyway i have always expected becuase of this that he would not come and thought my grandad could give me away. I spoke to my grandad and he was fine with this.

Anyway i obviously still wanted my dad to do it and my h2b was going to talk to him when it was time to do suits etc as we have openly talked about it infront of him and he has never said he wouldnt come.

Recently my stepdad lost his job and my mum has had to pull out of what she was paying for which left us around 3k short. No biggy really but i approached my dad for help before looing at a loan as he has always offered but after is financial contribution to our house we felt bad asking for something we didnt need. But ow we do need it so i asked him and he was fine with all this. We had a lovely chat about the wedding and i was getting very excited so i asked if my nans neice would want an invite even though she cannot go. This is when he turned round and said that he honestly didnt think he could come and he has thought about it long and hard but there will be too many ghosts and he just cant do it.

With my voice cracking image I just asked him to give me away and that my mum would sit further back and everything and he need not come to everything else i just needed him to do that. He then looked me in the eye and looked really sad and just said eh couldnt and that we had to go now (he was taking me somewhere)

I tried not to cry as i know that that was so hard for him to say and i do appreciate his honestly but i still find it a little pety after all these years (11) he cant just do one thng for me. My sister and h2b is funna have a chat with him but i have told them it wont make a difference, i could see that in his eyes.

I didnt realise how much it would affect me and when i gto back to martin i was inconsoulable.

Now i am back to, well grandad can do it and itl be fine, but its shocked me how much it actually isnt!

The other problem is that my mum wants my step dad at the top table instead rather than grandad as they are still down as hosts which is fine but my step dad stutters so who is actually going to do a speech on my behalf if grandad is not at the top. Can he do it from the other tables?

Sorry for the rant but i do feel better for it. Any ideas would be helpful, but my dad isnt going to come i have just got to come to terms with that really,

Amyxx

Posts

  • I really wish my dad was going to be there but he died of cancer so my mums giving me away.

    I really feel that no matter what has happened in the past he should put you first.

    Now I am not trying to be harsh but at the end of the day it took two of them to create you he can't pick and choose when he feels he can do things. THIS IS YOUR BIG DAY.

    This is my second marriage and my children have gone through a split but we have done it all amicably and remain good freinds for our childrens sake.

    On the step dad front let grandad stand in front of the table for the speech. My H2b has already said even though he is so close to my kids it's my ex's honour to be father of the bride/groom etc. I'm kinda hoping they will split the role somehow but thats entirely upto our kids.

    I really hope your dad can reconsider as having your dad and him not choosing to come is crazy, I wish my dad had that choice!



    Best of luck and whatever happens remember it's his choice and if he chooses not to come try to somehow put it to one side and have a fab day.

    Really feel for you hun
  • EbansmummyEbansmummy Posts: 1,227
    Is there no way to extend the table seating? It may look a bit odd but it would be nice if you had the person who giv you away to giv his speech from the top table, even though there is nothing wrong with him doing it from another table. I was just wondering how your mum thought it was going to work on top table if your dad did go and stayed? Your stepdad obv wouldnt be able to sit there then. Im having a similar problem with my family. My dad and mum split up, not on good terms but still speak. Only my dad lent £8000 off my grandad (mums side) and neva paid it back. It was all our inherentance and it was only a few years ago so its still abit raw. I was always grandads little girl and i want him to be there more than anythin but also want my dad there. I have asked both and dad is givin me away but i dont think grandad will want to go. We live in liverpool and are gettin married in shrewsbury and everyone is stayin over so im a bit worried how it will all go. Hope you sort it out xx
  • ang772ang772 Posts: 1,399
    sorry to hear that. can you not have grandad at top table too? it may not be conventional but its your day, do whatever makes you happy.
  • both mine and h2bs parents are split and there is bad feeling on all times we have sat them all down and told them this is our day and we want them to be involoved as much as possible but it is our say at the end of the day.

    We are just having parents at the top table not partners but we are having the partners as 'hosts' for the tables they are sat on so they stand out a bit and we will mention them too in the speeches as a thank you

    we also have the problem of some family members not coming in others are invited so we are going to assess who we really need there and sorting it ourselves being a BIG daddies girl before the split it is hard for me coping with my mum and dad but just try to appeal to them if needs be make a list of all reasons you want him there and what you can do to accomodate him think of the reasons he will say no to and try to solve these a letter is sometimes a little more meaningful hope this helps hun xXx
  • Hi Hun,



    I really feel for you. I too am having a nightmare; both my partner's parents and my parents are spilt. I am a big daddies girl and am not that close to my mam. My mam is probably one of the most unenthusiatic mother of the brides to be and has already complained that I'm inviting more of my dad's family then her's (I see members of her family ever few years) and she has also refused to sit at the top table unless my step-dad can sit next to her. I'm not actutally having my mam at the top table now, so I'm sure that will cause another head-ache. She's not contributing anything towards the wedding so I don't think she's got a right to complain anyway - especially as she has been totaly uninterested in the wedding. Anyway, I'm rambeling about my own problems now.

    I think you need to tell your Dad how much it would mean to you to have him giving you away. Explain that you know he has problems with your mam, but can't he do this one thing for you. I would also speak to your mam and explain to her that you want your dad there. Make your Dad feel like he is more important than your step-dad (in terms of his place in the wedding) and that you really, really want him there. Why not have him and your grandad on your arm walking you down the aisle - that way your dad could leave straight after your ceremony and your grandad could make the speeches, If I were you, I would defineatly have your grandad on the top table. Why not move your mam and stepdad to the closest guest table, or extend your top-table? Most venues are aware at how unconventional most families are these days so I'm sure they would be more than happy to accomodate your requests. Also, couldnt your dad invite one of his close friends as a guest so he feels he has someone to support him, like your mother has her partner? xxxx
  • My dad's disabled and I didn't think he'd be able to walk me down the aisle as he can barely walk. I told him on his scooter, in a wheelchair, i'd love him too. then he said he was gonna get his leg amputated for my big day.. I got choked up by guilt n rambled of loads of reasons he couldn't.. n now he's said he'll probably not be there. He and my mom feel I'm ashamed of him and I'll walk down the aisle on my own. I didn't know until after the rant that he'd planned an amputation for ages but nobody had told me. He made it sound like he had too to walk me down the aisle. As it is, neither of my parents are likely to be there. I'm gutted, but everyone's right. It is YOUR big day. it'll hurt him not being there. But you know in your heart of hearts the day is about you and yo9ur h2b. I hope your Dad has a change of heart, and that your day is magicalXxx
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