sex at 15?

hi girls

right, i was talking with my daughter last night (she's fifteen) and we got onto the subject of sex. Now she's been with her boyfriend for about a year now and he's mature, clever and basically the right type. But as we got onto the subject of sex, she talked about how she might not wait until she' sixteen. I know they love each other but would I be doing the right thing by letting her have sex with him? (He's also fifteen).

Also, she mentioned perhaps going on the pill as well as using condoms- she is focusing on staying safe aswell.

xxxx



[Modified by: Thumper999 on 29 December 2008 23:17:56 ]
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  • Hi Thumper999,



    I think if you banned them from having sex, they would probably do it anyway and your daughter might not feel as happy to confide in you in the future.



    It's clear that you have a great and very honest relationship with her at the moment and it would be a real shame to lose that. Perhaps you could say that although you wouldn't encourage her to have underage sex, it is ultimately her decision to make and you trust her not to allow herself to be pressured into anything she doesn't want to do and that you would be happy to discuss contraception with her and that you will always be there if she wants to talk about it.



    As my mum said, she'd rather I was having sex with someone she knew was a nice guy, being careful and sensible and safely under her roof than on the backseat of a car etc!



    Hope this helps a little x
  • bentos1bentos1 Posts: 887
    i completely agree. although i'm not saying you give her tips or anything, ensuring she knows how to be safe and making sure she knows its a big deal when losing ones virginity.



    I do agree that trying to ban her will do no good, as you cannot keep an eye on her alll of the time!



    my mum was open about these things and as a result i always spoke to her about things as a teenager and i feel it helped me deal with things in a mature manner.



  • julz5483julz5483 Posts: 2,633
    i'm youngish! and was 17 when i lost my virginity but i was lucky that i was fully aware of contraception thanks to my mum. sometimes i think i'm the only girl from my school who hasn't had kids yet
  • loopysooloopysoo Posts: 157
    Yes, she loves him and has been with him for a reasonable amount of time - she is young, but mature enough to sustain a sensible relationship.



    Better her do it this way - then with someone else later in life who is less suitable. Plus what is a few months?



    Sounds like you have a great and open relationship with your daughter (in much the same way i did with my Mum). If you lay down the law after she has told you something like this she is unlikely to do it again.
  • i too agree with the other posts. if your daughter has already talked to you about it "welldone!!" you have a wonderful relationship with your daughter, i hope i too have that kind with my little one (shes 2)

    i had a good relationship with my mum and we were always close enough to talk about these things.

    infact we were so close my mum left the house one day, saying she would be back in 3 hours, and that is when i lost my cherry (i was 16 and 10 days)

    it wasnt till a few years later that i found out she had gone to her friends and told her that she knew what was happening and that she had done it on purpose. she knew i was safe at home, i knew where she was, and although the relationship with the boy at the time didnt work, i dont think i would have wanted it any other way.



    since having a daughter, me and H2B have had many conversations about this type of thing.



    my thought is that she cant stay over at a boys house, but after they have been together long enough, shes mature enough etc, he can stay at ours. always better where i can keep an eye on her and at least ill have met the boy.
  • I totally agree also, let her understand that its against the law and it will be for the rest of her life - but its her choice in the end.



    She sounds like a very sensible girl, im glad that she loves the boy and is in a good relationship.



    The last thing you would want is for them to go off and have an unprotected fumble instead.



    I only hope that if one day I have a little girl, that she will be happy to talk to me as open as your daughter is with you.



    All the best and good luck x
  • BambagirlBambagirl Posts: 7,506
    I agree with the other posters on this topic. Don't alienate your daughter by getting "heavy" with her. Encourage her to be sensible and safe.



    Also the boy is the same age, this is VERY important. I have 3 sons and you really DO have to consider the boyfriend in this. Basically if a 15 year old girl indulges in under-age sex with a partner who is NOT underage and later on regrets the decision, she can make trouble for him and even have him labelled a paedophile. He doesn't have to be a great deal older, she might be 15 and her partner 17 or 18. Even if he was just 16, she can have this power over him if the relationship turns acrimonious. I'm not talking about some far-fetched situation, I'm talking about something that's REALLY happened. Such stories are often in the newspapers and however much the young lady wanted it and consented to it at the time, if she was under the legal age of consent, she can make REAL trouble for him later on if he falls out of her favour.



    This happened many years ago to my friend's brother (a man that's now happily married & in his mid-50's) but he was in his late teens at the time and there was a story with his name in the local newspaper. He said he didn't even know the girl was only 15 as she'd lied to him about her age. At one time the offence of having sex with a girl under the age of consent was even known as "statutory rape" - nowadays the guy tends to get branded as a paedophile if the story hits the media. I've personally always thought that the girls in such "expos????" stories never come out of it looking too good either. I'm sorry to raise such an unsavoury aspect of what ought to be a very special occasion for 2 young people but as the mother of 3 sons (as well as one daughter) I felt it was worth mentioning.



    Good luck to all concerned!



    Bamba x
  • hi

    firstly, congratulations. you and your daughter obviously have a great open relationship. It is such a great thing that she feels she can talk to you about this, and that you also feel ok with talking about it with her....i belive that is quite rare at that age.



    Im 20 with a younger sister so can easily recall this age.



    i myself was 15 when i lost my virginity. i now regret it because of who it was with. he was a few years older than me, and was using me so he could lose his virginity. however, at the time i thought i felt ready. although i regret it, the thing i regret the most is hurting my family. i dont know how they found out, but they did, i they were very hurt. maybe becasue they lost their little girl, but more likley becuase i was silly, i wasnt in a proper relationship and they could tell that the boy i was with was the wrong sort(shame i didnt). we didnt comunicate much. but even if they had said what they thought of him and tried to guide me away, i would probably been even more determined that i was ready and that i would do what i wanted.



    looking back when i see 15 year olds on the street i think they are way too young.



    but



    your daughter obviosuly seems mature, and is in a open loving relationship. even so i dont think you should encorage her. i think it would be best to wait until she was 16 and legal, teh boy as well. after all, a little wait might mkae it more special when the time comes, and a give her more time to think so she is sure she wants to do it.



    as for going on the pill, thats a great idea,and may be considered before she starts having sex. especially if they want to be having sex but are waiting, im sure they will be doing other things(touching etc, which id guess they probably wouldnt use a condom for)....she could get pregnant if sperm is transfered on fingers or clothing(it could be a tiny amoutn of fliud they wouldnt even see).



    one more thing., which no one wants to talk about, whatever happens make sure your relationship with your daughter is strong. As with myself, i know of quite a few insidences were the couple have waited, then had sex, and a few weeks later finished the relationship.....and it hurts a lot. having family and friends is very very important.
  • Hiya!

    Your daughter sounds very mature, if she is in a good relationship too, I personally don't think it would be a wise idea to try and make that decision for her. I think it's quite brave to discuss something like this with your mum, when you really don't have to.

    I was seventeen when I was first with my boyfriend and to this day my parents aren't accepting of me being with my now fiance (we live together too) and it does result in, what I think is unnecessary upset. xx
  • I also agree with what has been said. You've obviously got a fantastic relationship with your daughter & have raised her very well image



    As long as she has all the info then it is her decision & i'm sure ud prefer her to lose her virginity to a boy she loves at 15 than some random drunken fumble when she's older! Personally i think its the situation & person that matters not the exact age, but then i'm not a mum & may change my opinion completely when the day comes that i have a 15yr old!!



    Whatever happens with this issue tho, most important bit is keeping that reationship you have with your daughter. Good luck! x
  • I can only mimic what the other girls have said really, and just hope and pray to god that i have the same sort of relationship with my daughter when she comes along! Well down for bringing up such a sensible young lady! X
  • Kay1411Kay1411 Posts: 60
    I agree with everyone else. I was young when i lost my virginity, however i was in a stable relationship. My partner and myself were able to sit down and ask my mum to help us with beng safe. My mum was very open and even took me to the doctors to go onto the pill.



    I think things are different when the child, or should i say young lady is in a stable relationship...



    Hope you have a open enough relationship to talk further on this issue!



    xxx
  • MVenn_2_BMVenn_2_B Posts: 367
    i agree with a lot of the comments others have posted.



    When i was a teen my parents did what they thought was best and wouldnt let us share a room or anything until i was 18! but that made no difference, if they're going to do it, i don't think there's a lot you can do to stop it.

    It sounds like u have a sensible daughter though, she's obviously mature thinking about how to be safe, be thankful she is... alot of teens don't take safety into consideration!

    If she's as mature as she sounds i think you just have to leave her to make the decision as to when she's ready.. it sounds as though you have a good relationship with your daughter, so in my opinion all you can do is give her advice and hope she makes the right choices...x
  • She sounds sooo sweet!!!I am 23 and have been with H2B for 10 years!!!!We have 2 children My eldest 7 years old so yes i was 15 when i had him!!!I was on the pill but my mum thought it was for heavy periods.I was far too embarressed to talk to her about the birds and the bees and 2 b honest she was nieve and thought i wouldnt be up to it.The day i told her i had been having sex was the day i told her i was pregnant!!!Although we have such a good and open relationship now i tink looking back things could have been different but we have a great life own property from buying and selling at the right time and both got gr8 jobs.Having my son so young made us soo determind to succeed and never claim benefits.

    Good luck sounds like you have a loving and open relationship with your daughter and you should be soo proud that she feels she can talk to you. x
  • SmooshukSmooshuk Posts: 150
    I was 14 when I lost my virginity because I was pushed into it by a boyfriend who said he'd dump me if I didn't. Then did anyway, sigh!



    But I really really wish I had waited a bit longer. I couldn't talk to my Mum about stuff like that because she just would have shouted at me and like others have said I probably would have done it anyway. The best thing you can do is ensure she's fully informed and then at least she'll feel confident coming to you with any concerns or problems.
  • natmarinatmari Posts: 79
    I can speak from experience her I was pushed into sex at 14 and had a not very nice Bf shall we say after 1 year I fell pregnant and became a single mum one month after my 16th bday. I was not your sterotpycal teen mum I looked after my son I got good grades, did not go on benifits, got a diploma, worked and had a good work-life balance with my son, I moved out with my own money as soon as I could and now I'm 20 with a beautiful 4 year old who has just started school, I have a good job a house and a lovely H2B so things can work out!!Sorry on a bit of a rant there!! anyway I think if they are both mature enough they will make the decison that is right, If you forbid her too you may just loose the openess your obviously have why not speak to her tell her your opinoin and then leave the desion to her, your lucky to have a mature young daughter and a BF for her that sounds like a good 'un!! You must be a great mum for your daughter to be able to speak to you like this image be supportive as Im sure you will in any choice she makes image
  • My sister is 15 and has slept with her bf. They are both very mature and sensible and have been 2gethr over a year, Therefore i think it was a naturale progression. She has discussed it with me rather than our parents as she finds this easier as theres only 5 years of difference.

    I don't really think there is a problem.

    Her school mate however is totally different story she is immature and clearly very confused as recently has slept with two guys in the 1 night

    Like everyone of any age there is always the sensible people who have respect for themselves and the ones who don't

    From the sounds of things your daughter is one of the sensible ones and the fact she has spoken to you is commendable image
  • its good that she is bein open and honest with you so if you start laying down the law she probably wont talk so much to you. take her to docs, get her on the pill and just tell her to stay safe. like someone said, if she feels ready, she will do it anyway x
  • bridey20bridey20 Posts: 1,815
    Just make sure its what she really wants. Something I'm not proud of (please dont judge me) was that I had sex for the first time at 14, I thought he was right for me, we had been together for 2 months and I was in love, the bit where you may judge me is that he was 22. I was (and still am) very mature for my age, people were putting me at about 17-18 at 14! Anway, I regret sleeping with him, I know that they are the same age and have been together alot longert than I had been but, just make sure she is really ready for it!

    I would be proud of her for coming and talking to you, I would never of been able to do that with my mum - mainly because she hated him!
  • Hi,

    Right well I am 23 now and had sex with my boyfriend of one year when I was 15. I had a very open relationship with my mum and she knew about it all. Ok 15 is relativley young and I was young compared to some of my friends but I can say 100% that doing it at 15 with somone my own age who i knew and trusted was the best decision i ever made. A lot of my friends did wait till later but had got to the stage they just wanted to get it out of the way and ended up doing it on one night stands and with older men. everyone does things differently but i just think if she is ready and talking to you about it you should be really happy.
  • I'm 18 gettin married this year n I'm waitin til my wedding night. Want to keep the Excitement til thenimage
  • CaraHicks2bCaraHicks2b Posts: 461
    I think she sounds like a very repsonsible and smart girl. you are very lucky. I think the fact that she is talking to you about it is amazing.

    im 20 now i personally new alot of people who had sex when they are 15. However i also know 1 girl who had an abortion and 3 that now have children.

    She seems like she understands what a big deal it is and will be protected... hope he doesnt turn out to be a dick cause you cant protect them from that
  • Hi

    I am a family planning doctor and i think all the advice on here has been fab!



    Legally if they are both under 15 it is not classed as rape. If he turns 16 before her for those few months it will be legally rape. However, all that i have seen done in the past is a word from a local bobby. We get more worried when there is an age gap of over 5 years.



    There are some excellent contraception options for her - pill, implant, injection, coil and can last a long time (up to 10 years), so you dont have to worry about her remembering her pill every day!



    The most important thing is that you are open and honest with her, and its fab that you have talked about it. In my clinic we have many 12, 13 year olds with unwanted pregnancies / no idea about contraception!



    Just remind her that sperms = germs though and condoms are the only thing to protect her from these bugs. Your local family planning center should provide her with free condoms and contraception advice!





    Well done.
  • Hiya i would let your daughter i was 15 when i lost mine and im still with my partner now 7years image just make sure she is being safe and not feeling rushed in 2 it btw u sound like a fab mum not freaking out over it
  • I was having sex when I was 15 (my bf at the time was 17). I was sensible, always used contraception and all that image I just wish I could have talked to my mum about it. We didn't have that sort of open relationship that you have with your daughter (which is wonderful!) so I had to keep it from her. She would have hit the roof if she would have found out, no matter how careful I was!! I don't regret having sex at 15, even though the relationship didn't work. I was mature enough and ready for it, and that's the main thing. image



    Personally, I don't see a problem with having sex before you hit 16. As long as your daughter is 100% ready and she definitely wants to and she of course is safe, then so be it! 8)
  • NowMrsMaggsNowMrsMaggs Posts: 1,823
    Personally, I think 15 is too young...I am 22 now and lost my virginity when I was 18 to the man I am now engaged to. I'm glad I waited. I know this is against what others have said on here, but I think that if they really love each other, they could wait. I see 15 year olds as still children, they still have to wear a school uniform, and the thought of them getting intimate like that disgusts me. Personally, I think sex is for adults not children.



    But, I agree it is a tricky one, as you don't want her to go and do it anyway and not take the necessary precautions. Personally, I would encourage her to wait.

    Good luck x
  • claire178ukclaire178uk Posts: 429
    You seem to have a really good relationship with her, so could you not tactfully encourage her to wait a bit longer - not forbid her. 15 is very young, irrelevant of how mature you are for your age! I definately wouldn't encourage it. She needs to be fully aware of the consequences. My theory is if you're not mature enough to look after a child then you aren't mature enough to have sex.

    Just my opinion image



    Claire x
  • cat89ukcat89uk Posts: 952
    are'nt they under age?
  • bell86bell86 Posts: 56
    i dont agree that if you arent mature enough to have kids then you shouldnt have sex as i doubt thats what having sex is about for most young people,even legally, the point for me is being mature enough to take precautions so you dont find yourself in that situation, though i do respect that opinion! everyones different and if she feels ready and the moment is right she is likely to go ahead with or without your consent so probably best to be supportive without encouraging. i had sex for the first time at 15 and 9 years on we are getting married! xx
  • claire178ukclaire178uk Posts: 429
    I agree that that probably isn't what it's about for young people but there are far too many young teenage mothers in the world! (generalisation as I know that not all are bad!) But I do respect your opinion and maybe, as you have been in that situation yourself you understand the emotions more, I haven't so maybe it's hard to empathise because I just think that I - nor any of my friends at that time - could have been ready because we were just SO young, physically AND emotionally!!

    image

    Claire x
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