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Maid of Honour told me shes not coming to my hen party..

Hi All,

i dont no whether its just me or whether my best friend is being out of order, so would like you opinions on the matter.

i asked my best friend to be my Maid of Honour in August last year, and she seem really please i also asked would she help me to arrange my Hen party and she agreed to that too, only she hasnt really asked me much about my wedding so far and i get married in May this year. i asked her also to come to my first dress fitting and to help pick her dress and she said she had to go to the gym and couldnt give it a miss, which really upset me., and i thought i need to start arranging my hen do a.s.a.p and found a really good deal on the net for a weekend activitiy party and accomodation and sent her link on Facebook, and didnt get a reply. so text her and asked what she thought only to get a text back to say that she had booked a holiday the day before to Ibiza so could not come to my Hen do as did not have the money!!!!! is it just me being selfish or her being out of order. i dont no whether to say something to her, or just egt on with my hen do with my other friends? what do you ladies think??



  • Surely your best friend would of known that your hen would be around that time. she is being a bit out of order. sounds like to me you need to tell her what the role of maid of honour actually means! your not being selfish at all i would feel the same too. your hen night is meant to be one of the nights you always remember. maybe talk to her, or speak to one of your friends who maybe knows her on how to say what you want to say.
  • ok lets assume she's just forgetful- if she can't afford the activity weekend you suggested could you have 2 hen dos - with one being just a meal at yours and drinks in town or something less pricey (this way you get 2 parties!!) My hen do is gonna be interesting as one of my bms will have just given birth (one month before) and another friend is Tee total- I've decided to have an afternoon hen lunch- where I will go to the new mummy and we will ahve a lovely girlie lunch and remaniss (sp) and another more racous do with the drinkers and dancers- I've also been informed by the mummy 2b that I HAVE to have a hen do after the wedding as well so she can get sloshed once she's stopped breast feeding lol
  • MrsDolandMrsDoland Posts: 386
    I agree with mich2bmissus image

    Only two of my bridemaids are old enough to go out drinking!

    I am going to have a night out on the town with my older maids and my friends, then a meal during the week before my wedding with all my bridesmaids.

    I hope everything works out ok for you, try not to tell her stress you out too muchimage

  • My hen do starts with afternoon tea at home, followed by a meal out with live music - that way people can come to whichever bit they feel comfortable with
  • I think she may be being a little unreasonable, and i would feel very upset if this were me! So Maybe tell her what you are expecting from her and let her choose what she wants to do! X
  • Perhaps she didn't realise that you were (quite reasonably) expecting the role of maid of honour to mean she would be your number 2 when doing all the exciting wedding stuff.

    But is she already married?(normally bridesmaids are un-married, maids of honour are married?) In which case she should know what you'd like from her.

    Maybe you need to talk to her - to understand her reasons for being weird and to tell her what you were hoping from her.
  • my cousin who is bridesmaid wont come on mine either reckons she cant afford it yet she can and i no she csn its a bit of a shame really isnt it.
  • zedi10zedi10 Posts: 241
    Sack her - give the job to someone else. Talk to her and give her the big spiel about the duties of a maid of HONOUR!!!and how she is not supporting you, then sack her. Find someone who is actually bothered to do the job! The gym over going to see you look beautiful in your dress?? LOSER. I cant believe she never went with you!
  • thanks ladies. i text her to say what could she afford to spare so i could work around that and the reply was that she cant really say right now, as doesnt no! i still have not confronted her yet, but think i bet had some time soon. i was going to have the 2 hen dos one away and one close to home with all my family and friends with Kids, which she knew about and the impression i have got it thats she isnt coming to either. ive spoken to several people about this and they have said simliar things to what al you ladies are saying and that i need to confront her and explain what the role is of a Maid of Honour. My friend is not married, she is in a new relationship with whom she is going on the holiday with, which i dont begrude, its just the attitude she has had towards me in regards to the whole wedding thing! so fingers crossed ill pick up the courage and confront her about it! Thanks once again! xx
  • 4months4months Posts: 555 New bride
    hi, if my maid of honour told me she wasnt coming to my hen doo i'd be really upset, esp as you have said she mite not come to either - i dont think that someone can get out of doing both - esp as u've considered her and are doing something near home.

    I could understand the moh not coming to the dress fitting if she had an important commitment but why couldnt she of gone to the gym later that day or before she met you????

    I would talk to her about - tell her how u feel and see what her reaction is. If she really couldnt care less u know where you loyalty lies - i am sure you have got other friends who would die for the role!

    Its such a shame to have the stress in the run up to your wedding. I have a BM who is being very self centered who im having issues with but im waiting to see how it all pans out !

    Good Luck let us know what happens. xximage
  • lismd25lismd25 Posts: 51
    i would bin her... she obviously is selfish its your wedding and you dont need that added stress im sure you have other friends who would be more than honoured to be your maid of honour

  • misssjpmisssjp Posts: 491
    Hope you get it sorted, just ask her if she is still wanting to do this and say you'll not be offended if she would rather not, you just need to know. Good luck xxx
  • kkk666ukkkk666uk Posts: 124
    If that was me I would be pretty peed off!

    Don't take this the wrong way but if she hasn't asked you any questions about the wedding, hen do ideas etc then she can't be that interested which is should definately talk to her about it and see what her problem is and if you can sort it out. If she genuinely made a mistake booking her holiday she should be making a bit more of an effort with organistaion etc - that's what I think anyway.

    Hope you get ut sort it out :\) x
  • Oh Andrealovestom I really feel for you....

    I am a girlie who doesn't really like confrontation and myself would find this difficult. I reckon u shud just demote her to bm without actually voicing it. After all this is what shes done to you - signed up for an important role and then shied away from the the duty that goes with. Do you have any sisters or cousins that ur close to? Perhaps u cud spk to them and jst do the dress fittings, fayres, hen stuff with them? I think ur friend is being really horrid and you just gotta out these people and not let it get u down.

    Who knows she may even show more interest if u get this other person more involved xx
  • MazlinMazlin Posts: 260

    Why does she think you asked her to be Maid of Honour?

    Does she think the only reason for having a MOH/BM is to be there looking pretty in a dress you've paid for?

    Surely the whole point of having BMs is so that you get help in the lead up to the wedding?

    Is it not traditional that the BM arranges the hen do, and its the bride that doesn't pay?!

    I know more and more, brides want a bit more control over their do, so i can understand someone having difficulty affording perhaps thre brides choice, but surely she should have taken a leading role in the organisation, to avoid that problem in the first place?

    Being at the dress fitting again, is the whole reason you have a BM, to be there for you.

    At first, I did think the only point of the BMs were to stand there looking pretty, but now i've got a wonderful mate and sister who are doing all the work and there to answer my queries, I couldn't imagine having a MOH like yours!

    Although it's difficult, it sounds like she's just causing you more stress than you actually need, have you bought her dress yet!?...

    I would struggle to say anything, I have one BM who has been living abroad and hasn't done much at all, so really is just going to be there to look pretty on the day, and prob wont be back for my hen do, which really sucks, but at the end of the day, she's one of my best mates and i couldn't imagine getting married without her.

    Can you subtley drop hints about the BMs role? or perhaps relate it to the best man?

    ie you could ask her for 'advice' and tell her that your H2Bs best man isn't doing anything to help with his stag do, you don't think he realises the importance of being asked, he hasnt helped hubby with such and such and ask her what she would do?! you could slip in about the role of the MOH, maybe give her the guilt trip without being direct?

    Although it sounds really bizarre, at least my mate is in another country- she chose the gym over dress fitting?! weirdo!
  • I think it's bang out of order!

    Ive had to change my hen night to suit others and its a pain in backside. what with organising the wedding i couldnt be chewed with the hen night too!
  • Bride-BeccaBride-Becca Posts: 1,411
    i agree with u ladies on this....if she's desperate to go to the gym rahter than come to a dress fitting which is a typical role of maid of honour then thats unbelieably selfish...and she's willin to risk goin on holiday with a new relationship rather than stay and help you organise one of the most fabby nights of your life all out of lust and alcohol?

    defo talk to her hun..she dont seem bothered and i bet if you sacked her she would be that either!xx
  • Hey Ladies. I eventually spoke to her and have decided not to have her as maid of honour or even bridesmaid now. I had my hen weekend a few weeks ago in Liverpool and it was fab! My friend asked what time it would be starting and i advised her around 8.30 and she said thats to early for her and she would meet me out around 9.30 ish. So off i went with my friends there where 14 of us in total, and got a text to say she would be out around 10, and then she turned up at 11, and i asked why she was so late and she said she was having a drink before she came out! so that really peed me off! ive just kind of not spoke to her much as it really annoyed me. She said she is coming the wedding but not stopping over, her and her boyfriend are driving up in the morning and leaving about 9-10 at night, and its a good 2hour drive to her house from the venue. She is really starting to make my blood boil as she is so selfish! xx
  • Bride-BeccaBride-Becca Posts: 1,411
    omg sorry but thats just made her look 100 x worse!!! she didnt bother turning up at ur hen do at the start coz it wasnt a conveinent time for her? jesus what a cow!!

    glad u had fab night thou!!! :d

    to be honest i wouldnt even let her come to the wedding..she's been so horrible and selfish to u that ur just spending that bit of money on her when she hasnt returned the favour x
  • i no what you mean, but i think that because i have been friends with her for so long that it would be wrong to turn round and say she cant come. So once the wedding is over im not gona bother making an effort with her any more, as im sick and tired of being the onewho bends over backwards for her and never get the favou returned. Like they say you no who your true friends are when it comes to things like this. Thanks for all your advice ladies, i really appreciate other peoples opinions. xx
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