Long engagement

Hey all,

Anyone else having a long engagement? Me and my h2b were going to wait about 3 years as I still have 18 months of my nurses training to go, and he has debts he wants to clear before we get married which i completely agree with. But we also want to move in together, but if we move intogether it means the wedding won't be for at least another 4, 5 or maybe even 6 years. I don't want to wait that long as I am quite traditional and want to have kids after we're married, but putting the engagement back that long means we have to [postpone all stuff like that. H2b doesn't really seem to get that bit and says he would rather live together. I want to live with him too but I don't want to wait that long:\( plus I am only on an NHS bursary and can only work bank shifts at the hospital as a health care assistant while I'm still a student nurse so I don't earn a lot and don't want to get into further financial difficulties. My parents are divorced and when I broched the subject of the wedding fund she made a comment about me having to save up for it, which by all means I really don't mind, I'm not like some sort of spoilt princess.



Just feeling very down about it as parents and family not too happy about our engagement. Needed someone to talk to :\(
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  • Hiya,

    It's horrible to be so excited about somethign and then told to wait isn't it!? I'm getting married in June and currently me and H2B live with my mum but we have bought a new build house which we are waiting for it to be finished. We think we should move in just before the wedding so have decided to wait for our 1 year anniversary before we start trying for children as we both want to spend some time on our own enjoying each other before babies come along and dominate our lives (in a good way obviously!) There is also the financial side of being able to save or at least put orselves in a good position before we start trying although my broodiness in literally off the scale!

    How old are you if you don't mind me asking? What is your living arrangement like at the moment? Do you think you might get into financial difficulties living together?



    xxx
  • I have had a long engagement (6 years but been together 13 years) for similar reasons as we decided to buy a house and get my career sorted before splashing out on a wedding as we too are paying for it ourselves. I'm glad we waited as we can justify spending money on the wedding bits and pieces we want rather than having to scrimp on things if we still had to buy a house. Just do whatever suits you both. Good luck!
  • Thanks guys. I'm 20, h2b is 25, we've been together 2 years. I don't want to rush the wedding as I want to do it properly and I know we have plenty of time, but you're right june09bride, it was bad enough thinking I was going to have to wait 3 years and then be told its more like 6!! I liked the idea of waiting about 3 years cuz of my training and my h2b wanting to clear his debts, and also as my family aren't too happy about the engagement it would hopefully give them time to get used to it. At the moment I live with my mum, I did live in university halls but it was absolutley extortionate so I moved back to the country and now commute to London everyday. I would love us to be living together as moving back home after having my independence has been slightly difficult to adjust to. I am worried about our finances if we were to move in together as like I said I don't earn a lot apart from what I get from my NHS bursary and althought my h2b is on a relatively good wage, I don't want to mvoe out before we can properly afford to live as the whole reason my h2b got into the financial difficulties he is in from moving out before he could afford it, and I don't think he could go through anything like that again, mentally apart from anything else. I also had similar thoughts about babies, it's good to have time as newly weds before all the baby commotion starts! We would probably wait a couple of years before having kids but its more about having to put things off even longer!!

    Thanks for the replies! xxxx

    [Modified by: Soon2bMrsSmith on February 06, 2009 01:17 PM]

  • Im 20 too. been with h2b since we were 16. Last june we purchased our first house together. And if im honest that was best thing we ever did. bu we lived together before in my mums house for a year and did some saving and things we didnt have loads of savings though we were just clever in the way we looked at houses you be suprized. We got engaged last November and ae getting married in 2010 not a long engagement but i say do whats right for you. im having my erfect wedding and its not costing me the earth. Think though if you wait all that time to get married the planning will be perfect image...........I also wanted to be married before babies and as im the broodiest 20 nearly 21 year old ive ever met and so is H2b.....the young brother and sister make this worse we wanted to be married.....just incase haha xx
  • I'm 20 aswell, (H2b is 21 - will be 22 on the day) and we're both living in my parents - we were paying a small bit of house keeping a month but since we've set the wedding date my parents said we should spend that money on the wedding.

    We're really lucky as both of our parents want to help us out.

    But even so we wont be able to get a house until I have finished my nurse training (I have only just started though!)



    Have you looked into the part-rent-part-buy schemes? Once you're a qualified nurse you'll be considered a key worker and you get priority etc on new builds.

    http://www.leavalleyhomes.co.uk/lv/scheme_mchb.asp



    Maybe if you have a plan for the house and the wedding you can save/spend accordingly. Maybe don't have a honeymoon - just spend a long weekend locked up in your new house togetherimage



    Hope this helps xx
  • We're not having a particularly long engagement (a year and three months), but I just wanted to say that you should definitely move in together before the wedding! Before we moved in together, I had lots of people telling me how it was good we were living together before getting married (we weren't engaged at the time), and I agree with them - it can change the dynamics in a relationship quite a bit.



    Mrs Applen2Be...I'm incredibly broody too - though I'm 21! But can't have kids straight after we get married as I've got a Masters degree to get through first... rubbish... I'm going to be so desperate by the time that's over!
  • hiya, im 22 and have been with my partner 6 years - we got engaged last june and brought a house together in november. I done a 4 year uni degree, so we also had to wait until I was earning enough to move out and therefore we lived apart for over 5 years. We are now waiting till 2011 to get married (3 year engagement) so that we can save up for the wedding. it seems soo long away but im sure the time will fly by as we are nearly one year down already image



    I think things just seem to come together at the right time - hope things work out for you x x

    [Modified by: steff2306 on February 07, 2009 06:33 PM]

  • Hiya, I'm 23 and we're going to have a long engagement... we're haven't set the date, but it will be sometime in July 2012 (which seems sooooo far away!).

    But as *Gypsy Girl* said, I guess it is better to be organised and sorted instead of rushing and scrimping!
  • How bout saving as much as you can to get a deposit together to buy a house when they hit rock bottom, if you didnt want to move in straight away due to finances you could rent it out to cover the morgage until you can afford to live there or you can have a lodger (not ideal I know) which would cover your bills.

    And then save after for the wedding. Wedding dnt have to cost the earth though.

    Personally I could not get married to someone I hadnt lived with.

    Good Luck

  • We got engaged a week before my 18th birthday and decided to wait until after I finished uni (which at that point I hadn't even started) before getting married. In the summer between in 2nd-3rd year at uni we bought a house together. On completing my undergraduate degree I decided I wanted to specialist in IVF treatment and to do my master degree adding another year on before we could even think about getting married. I finished my masters in September and we are getting married August this year , 5 years nearly to the day after getting engaged. I thinking deciding to get a house and move in together before we got married was one of the best decisions we made. The time we have been living together has flown past and it has given us much better control over our finances. Before we got our house we stayed at my parents the majority of the time, and although we were always welcome, we spent a lot of time and money going out to get some time to ourselves. Having our house meant we can stay in and save.
  • pot_of_goldpot_of_gold Posts: 5,254
    H2b and I got engaged after two years together, back at end of 2005. We both were students and managed to get a deposit for house together, which we moved into last summer. We have our wedding booked for next summer (2010). It has been hard and a wait but it has been worth it, I love love living with him.

    I would certainly personally recommend living together before getting married as it can be quite a shock to the system lol.

    Our engagement will be 4.5 years by the time we get married but we were only 21 when we got engaged and due to finances that is just the way it had to be for us.

    I don't want children or anything before marriage either but moving in was definately a great move for us.



    Good luck.

  • you have to do whats right for you, personally i dont believe in long engagements because certain people i know have got engaged....basically to be engaged and "show off" - they had no party, they dont live together and have no plans to live together, she was still at school etc....



    and someone else just doesnt want to get married......



    my beliefs are (and completely different to alot of other peoples i totally understand that) - is that you get engaged to get married...not just to get engaged
  • We're gonna have a sort of long engagement but not by choice.

    H2b proposed in Oct 2007 and we talked that night about getting married the following August, but the next day when we announced to parents my dad was so mad he refused to speak to me for 3 weeks (he thinks we're too young). This christmas we decided to get married next year and again when we told my parents my dad freaked out again so we've now all agreed August 2011. By then we will have been engaged nearly 4 years and been together for just over 7 years.

  • DragonMummyDragonMummy Posts: 449
    We've been together 8 years and engaged for 5. My H2B isn't great at making decisions...
  • pot_of_goldpot_of_gold Posts: 5,254
    Sometimes long engagements are unavoidable bavington2b.

    I know what you mean about some people just getting engaged but having no real intention of getting married, but some people genuinly have no other option.



    We got engaged when it felt right, but we couldn't afford to get married 3 years ago and then we both decided to go back to uni to better our future and have a better quality of life in better careers. This meant us putting the wedding off but now I am glad we did because when we get married we will be more financially secure and we now have our own house.

  • oh i totally understand amore......i think im venting my anger at my ex best friend on here sorry!!



    she got engaged (we were still closest best buddies) the day before her 18 after knowing the guy all of 5 minutes....her first proper bf ..... she was still doing alevels and wanted to be a lawyer...but spent so much time with him , then the engagement so decided not to go to uni and just doss at home...



    they dont live together and have no intention of doing so...they both still living with parents.



    when i met my h2b i was 18 and i moved into his quite soon but really was becuase i was walking to his from work spending from about 6pm till 8pm...he dropped me at home (about 15min drive away) and he went to work (works on london underground..) and then he picked me up at like 3am on his way home...so was just sense that i moved in..



    anyhoo we got our own place 6months later and close to our 1year anniversary he popped the question.....



    guess who wasnt happy for me?? who thought i was "copying her?" - i was like get real - its nearly two years after their engagement



    so sorry - it is my belief - if possible - that you should be engaged to get married but i do see the art of making a commitment to each other with the engagement until you can afford to get married



    sorry if i offended x
  • pot_of_goldpot_of_gold Posts: 5,254
    No don't be daft luv and thanks for not snapping back if you thought i was being a bit sensitive.

    I hope I didn't sound mean.

    i know the type of people you mean - and I have come across a fair few of them in my time.

    I probably was a little over sensitive as some people in our family have been really cruel about our long engagement and I think every time someone mentions long engagements i get prickly lol.

    Soweee.

    When do you get married??

    xx
  • emmamaudemmamaud Posts: 34
    Hi Soon2bMrs Smith I can really sympathise with you. We got engaged in January and initially I was excited thinking we could get married in the summer of 2009 or 2010 but now circumstances mean it probably won't happen for a good few years after that. We are both graduating uni this year with lots of debt (me in particular damn top up fees :\( ) so there's no way we could afford a wedding ourselves for a long while. Initially my parents hoped they could help with the cost but they have both lost their jobs due to the recession and as this is obviously a bit of an unhappy unsecure time in their lives the vibe is just not right for wedding planning. On top of this we are both going into research and he has just been offered a placement for the next 3 years in Nottingham whereas I have an opportunity in London. I'm really worried about how I'll cope living away from him as we've been living together for the last 4 years. Obviously the whole wedding issue is not the most important but like you I'm soo looking forward to us starting are married lives together and having children and stuff :\) we're both 22 now and I don't want to have to wait till i'm nearly 30.

    I don't want a big fancy wedding but even only getting the minimum costs a couple of thousand, I keep thinking it would be nice to just have a wedding the two of us so money wouldn't matter but then I feel guilty about leaving family and friends out.







  • amore - getting married in june 2011 - just got the confirmation through post today!
  • Hey lovepigeon thanks for your reply.

    Gosh that sounds so awful, how are your parents coping? I hope things turn up for you and your family. Things have changed a bit since I started this topic, we've set a date for 12th May 2012 which is good, but things have kinda gone a bit weird with family. When we first got together my mum wasn't happy about the relationship and we really fell out about it, and my h2b's parents were lovely. Ever since we got engaged my mum has been really supportive, and his parents have been the complete opposite. The first thing his step-dad said when we told them was "so when are you moving out?" So many people have actually not even said congratulations, preferring to ask "aren't you a bit young?"

    I'm qualifying from uni next august and I've already been offered a job as a staff nurse on a ward I did a placement on which is good cuz it'll mean I'll start earning money straight away (so long as the job offer still stands!!) and we've decided we're going to save up for a deposit on a flat til then. It's so difficult living apart. What is it you are studying at uni? Is there any way that either you and your h2b could change your placements to somewhere closer together? I can't imagine living with mine for 4 years then not being able to *sending hugs* but I'm sure you'll get through it. You love each other so you'll find a way to make it work. What were your living arrangements before you moved in together?

    In terms of saving up for the wedding, we're going to save up for a flat deposit first and then when I'm earning a proper salary (govt. bursary for student nurses is shite!!) we can save up for the wedding. We haven't asked either of our parents for a contribution, money is a bit of an issue with my h2b's family, but every tie we have mentioned something about the wedding his family have all made it quite clear that we'll be paying for it ourselves. Am I being a bit selfish or is that just rude? I know they don't earn a lot of money and I wouldn't expect them to contribute but the way they have acted when we have talked about things like photographers and stuff has been so unsupportive. xxxxx
  • emmamaudemmamaud Posts: 34
    Hi MrsSmith2b! Thats great that you've been offered work and its nice when its somewhere you've worked before so you know people there. I'm doing maths at uni but want to do medical statistics / epidemiology later on. I think its great to have a job where you help people like you doing nursing - it must be such a tough job but rewarding going home after each shift knowing what you've done is really worthwhile. I think my parents will be ok as my mum can get some work supply teaching which she had to do a few years back although shes not looking forward to it as you get sent to all the worst schools with the abusive teenagers. I'm still not decided about what to do next year, I'm hoping I can make it so its just one year that I'm in London and then I could try to find something where H2B is. He's doing medical physics and I'm doing medical statistics so I had assumed it would be easy for us to find placements in the same town but there are really few funded places and none in Nottingham for me for next year unfortunately. We've actually never lived apart because we met in student halls when we were in the same halls and then have shared a room in student houses. But I'm trying to think of positives like it might force us to be more outgoing and make more new friends.

    Don't worry you're not being selfish - I think its a bit rude of them to keep emphasizing the not helping with money thing, especially since you don't even expect them too as it might make you feel uncomfortable and like they're not happy for you. Its difficult when money is tight as its easy to be made to feel bad (by yourself or others) for spending money on things and as a result be worrying all the time. Its really good that you're saving for your flat first so you can start married life together properly after getting married, very sensible:\)
  • Hi Soon2beMrsSmith, We are having our wedding on May 12 2012 too! image So just thought i'd say hi!

    It seems soooo far away and I am already starting to plan things, but then there's only so much you can do in advance I think... how far in advance do you pick your dress etc etc? I want to do it all now but don't want to find 'the dress' and have to wait three years to wear it!!

    Living at home with the parents still sucks but it will be worth it in the long run being able to save up way more than if we could renting and trying to save. So I say all the young brides to be even if you're tearing your hair out living with parents it won't seem so bad compared to when you're tearing your hair out trying to pay a mortgage and trying to get the hubby to do the dishes! image There's always an upside to every situation! x
  • Haha that is very true claire_bear_85! Wow that's cool our weddings are on the same day! Where about r u getting married? We're getting married in my village church, tis very pretty! But yeah I know what you mean! I've seen some dresses I love but we can't afford to buy anything yet and I just wana go try them all on haha! Have u had an engagement party yet? I wasn't too sure whether to have one now or one nearer the time? It's not so bad living with my mum cuz we get on well, and I get on well with h2b's family, it can just be difficult cuz his step-father is in a perpetual bad mood making nasty comments about everything, and their house is always so noisy it can be hard to feel like u have ur own space or get any time together.

    In terms if the money comments, my auntie got married about 4years ago now and she said it's rude of them to not even offer to pay something towards the wedding.

    I hope u manage to sort your placement out lovepigeon! Xxxx
  • Any other may brides out there?! Why did u chose may claire_bear_85? we chose it cuz it's our 6months, will have been together 5 years and 6months when we get married! Xxxx

    [Modified by: Soon2bMrsSmith on April 14, 2009 07:14 AM]

  • ALLYWALLY85ALLYWALLY85 Posts: 949
    HI

    We got engaged last March, and we are getting married in July 2010 so just over 2 years engaged! We are getting married on our 5 year anniversary as it just seemed to fit in with our plans! Just do what is right for you hun! xx
  • LJSuk1LJSuk1 Posts: 673
    Hia - I met H2B years ago - we got engaed after a year together and pretty much got our acts together then. we both had quite a bit of debt so decided to pay that off and then save for a deposit for our huse. We had friend telling us we should just do it and take our debt with us. me and H2B wanted a "clean start" as debts was from before we met each other. It took us 2 full years to pay the debt off and save our deposit. was a long 2 yrs of staying in at parents houses (we lived seperately until we moved in) but was well woth it! we are definately in a much better position now and with the climate how it is you don't want extra debt around youtr neck! we moved in 10month ago and have now set a date. It's taken us a good 6-7 months to so out finances after moving in and gettingused to paying bills and mortgage but well worth the wait xxx
  • Decided May because I am 6 months older than h2b, so if we got married after June I would be 27 and he'd be 26! So I thought mid May would be nice, all flowers etc will be out and will *hopefully* be nice weather!! We are getting married at www.rivingtonhallbarn.co.uk because that's near where he proposed, at Rivington Reservoir! image

    We didn't have an engagement 'party' so to speak, just had a night out in Manchester with all our different friends, and then a smaller family gathering on a Sunday. I think some people use engagement parties as an excuse to get presents, we made it very clear that PRESENCE not presents was the reason for the get togethers!

    I am also really tempted to try on dresses just because mainly I am looking at all different styles and thinking they look nice, but they might not suit me at all. So I don't want to waste my time for a year looking at these low-waist dresses that seem to be in at the moment, when i will probably look like an idiot in one! Bonny dresses are good, they are pretty reasonable I think they are all under £1000. Anyone chosen their dress yet?? Pics?!



    [Modified by: claire_bear_85 on April 15, 2009 03:54 PM]

  • missbtomrscmissbtomrsc Posts: 215
    Im so glad we are living together before we get married. We'll have been together 5 years exactly when we get married engaged for 2 years exactly. we have lived together for nearly two years now. with another year to go until the wedding. And it was different before we moved in we seen each other every day and spent 2 nights together aswell. but OMG moving in was so different. it took a awhile to ajust! now everythin works fine (most of the time). It has made saving harder with all the bills and mortgage. Before we moved in we talked about getting married but i told H2B that i would not get engaged until we lived together. it does change a relationship, unltimutly for the better but it can be hard to start with with all the bills and housework ect.
  • I think thats a really good idea claire_bear! I can't wait to go dress shopping! I love trying things on, but I need to lose some weight before I buy the dress, I've put on 3 stone over the past 2 years image my H2b said he knows how unhappy I am about my weight so he won't marry me until he knows I have lost wieght cuz he wants me to be happy with myself. But i have already found a dress I love!

    http://www.marklesley.co.uk/Mark-Lesley.html have a look at dress number 9 and tell me what you think? I was thinking of having a red themed wedding maybe, but then I saw this gorgeous colour blue that I would love for the bridesmaids dresses, if I did get this dress, do you think I could get a blue to go with it for the bridesmaids?!
  • CaraHicks2bCaraHicks2b Posts: 461
    hiya im 19

    and im having to wait 4 years.... and my mum is still suggesting 5 or 6



    im gonna make invitations and everything by hand so im gonna do it in the holidays from uni.



    i really cant wait!!!!!!!! i want to try on dresses but it's four years away so i cant image



    did buy a red filo fax like out of 27 dresses to organise it though lol
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