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would you stay with this man?

Four children and 25 years later my h2b backed tracked so fast about getting married we never did last October when it was arranged for. My dress is sitting in the cupboard as I type.



Tonight without argument it suddenly hit me Why am I with him?



I pay for all the bills and the kids as I work full time, he works two days a week. We don't go out, The kids are all grown up, youngest is 15. I have a nice house which I pay for. We have never had a holiday together. We don't talk, he sits in one room, I in the other.



I'm know thinking he was right not to get married, but is it time for me to say Goodbye.



What do you think?

Posts

  • daisylozdaisyloz Posts: 3,109
    Oh hell yes hunny! x
  • daisylozdaisyloz Posts: 3,109
    You remind me of me ......hence my fast post! I stayed with my ex for nearly 30 years ...we were married and had 3 kids together...it was awful...I kept staying for the kids...felt too old to move on....habit ...etc etc.....finally we split and got divorced....best thing I ever did....it wasnt easy but oh so worth it...

    Last year I met my new h2b and he is absolutely wonderful....I am so in love....its just amazing to be adored after all those years of unhappiness......I just wish I'd done it sooner...I really do.....

    We get one chance at this life thing....make it the best you can every day hunny....GO GIRL!

    I wish you the very best and you can email me anytime for support xx
  • MistyxxMistyxx Posts: 1,679
    Don't bother wasting any more time with this guy. Move on and find someone who deserves you and will give you all the things in life that you're missing out on.



    Good luck,

    xxx
  • daisylozdaisyloz Posts: 3,109
    Bex I agree so much with your last post....its so different when you find the 'right' one isnt it? xx
  • daisylozdaisyloz Posts: 3,109
    Giggle giggle ....good point ..well put x
  • Im in complete agreement with Bex, and the other ladies, you only have one life to live and why waste it?! I married very young and throughout the marriage we both changed and him not for the better, Im so glad I got out when I did and the wonderful man Im marrying next year has proven that it was the best decision I ever made.



    Lots of love, xxx
  • lrbpielrbpie Posts: 2,280

    Hmmm... If you were married to him I would probably be saying, you're married so you have an obligation to work at it, give it a bit more time and really work hard at improving your relationship, before you walk away.



    however as you're not married there is no obligation to work at it, so the question is are you happy - doesn't sound like it? if not, then why stay?
  • cazzie36cazzie36 Posts: 1,433
    leave and never look back

    xx
  • ChannaukChannauk Posts: 1,117
    i think you have already decided - you dont need us to say its right or wrong. If its what you want then do it. You have had long enough to think about it. It may even shock him into changing for the better. x
  • carolhartoppcarolhartopp Posts: 1,055
    only you know the answer to that one Jayjay though sounds like you know the answer. You also sound strong and prepared to go it alone and if that's the decision you make then good luck.

    Can't promise Prince Charming is around the corner but moving on will put you in a better position to meet him image
  • daisyteandaisytean Posts: 1,382
    I agree with Bex and Daisyloz and all the others that say don't waste your time. He will never change and you will just live your life unfulfilled. I too have the experience of a marriage for 20 years, 2 children, and no REAL love - and now I am with the right one, and by the way, my kids are so much happier too.

    Look and you will find!

    Stay with him and you will never be yourself
  • cpluspluscplusplus Posts: 1,448
    ....sounding like you are almost independant and single anyway!!!

  • new-mrsbnew-mrsb Posts: 2,015 New bride
    I would say if you can afford to stay in your home that you pay for than waht are you waiting for?

    Life is too short to just settle for something thats not really right.
  • BambagirlBambagirl Posts: 7,506
    I would also urge you to move on - but with caution!



    If you own and maintain your home and he has no claims on it, how easy will it be to put him out?



    If you meet someone special within a year or so of your split, he'll be convinced you've known this person for a lot longer and in his likely bitterness he'll spread nasty rumours about you.



    How will your children take it? I know you're not married but it'll still be very similar to having parents that are getting divorced.



    I'm not for one moment suggesting that you stay with this man, just do your homework and find out how the land lies with any possible ramifications BEFORE you announce you're splitting up!



    Just wanted to caution you there. Best of luck!!



    Bamba xx
  • alydalalydal Posts: 109
    Only you can decide this one. Are you happy? Yo shouldn't even have to think about the answer. If the answer is no, either you both have to agree to work on your relationship or you have to get out and find yourself some happiness.



    Sounds easy but I've no doubt it'll be really difficult but worth it x
  • kazza7kazza7 Posts: 222
    Hi,

    Just wanted to say that my Silver Weddding Anniversary present to myself was a divorce. Kids are fine (youngest was 13 at the time), I'm fine & planning my second wedding, (get married in 27 days to a fantastic fella!!!) Wont say it was easy, & there have been quite a few tears, but nothing worthwhile comes without it's bumpy road. Take care hun, think carefully & if you want a natter just e-mail. Love Kx

  • MaggieMaysMaggieMays Posts: 534
    I think it always sounds like an easy decision when your not part the actual relationship & it does seem like you should leave him & start living your own lfe for a change, but just so you dont regret anything, try telling him how you feel in detail first..



    My Cousin as going through the same type of thing not too long ago, but ater she laid it out for him, the way she felt etc, he became the man he was when they met, they get on great now, going out for meals & weekends away.



    I'm not sticking up for him, I jut think men can be quite dumb at times & can completely miss the obvious & ned it spelling out for them to even realise.
  • Sorry for the lateness of this reply but Thank You for all your comments. I think that those of you who had the real guts to do something were really brave and I am waiting to find that breaveness in me.



    To answer some questions we hardly ever argue, but I think that is mainly because I do not have the heart to argue - I should be shouting and screaming at him for his laziness.



    As for love, years ago an older lady said her husband had become her brother..years late I know what she meant. We do no make love and although we kiss each other on the lips when going out etc thats it. I would think he was having an affair but in truth that would mean doing something...he truth I think when I am out the computer is more company for him...



    I would say we do talk but we don't. I am in one room he in another.



    I cry and he doesn't notice. I try to talk and he will make an excuse not to take part in that conversation. Oh I just need to get...oh not now, I have a head ache..

    Time to be brave I think ladies but don't know how or where to go to. I know if I asked him to leave he would stay...even though I pay the mortgage.

    Advice on how to go will be gratefully received.
  • dusty676dusty676 Posts: 185
    Hi,



    Sorry to hear that you've found yourself in this difficult situation. I guess if you had gone ahead with your wedding last year then things would be a lot more complicated.

    Are you sure this is not salvagable, would your OH agree to go to marriage guidance with you to see if you can work things out.

    If your sure it really is over between you then I would suggest you either go to citizens advice or make an appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand financially.

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do x
  • Thanks dusty it is the financial side that wrries me....weeks later I have still not been brave enought to take any moves to my future!

    I'll keep you all informed.
  • Can I echo what others have said, and urge you to get some advice, whether from citizens' advice or a solicitor. That would at least help you see the scale of the problem. It may not be as hard as you think to extricate yourself from this relationship. It wasn't for me, when I finally came to my senses and threw my ex out.
  • The more information you can get, the better as informed decisions are usually the best ones I've made. I hope that you make the right decision for you - whatever that is.

    I'm about to marry for the 2nd time after ending a 20 year marriage and I am the happiest I have ever been. It was scary and lonely for a while out there but I became a much better person as a result of chasing my own happiness. Good luck hun!
  • Jay Jay, Your story has touched me and I feel compelled to offer my opinion. You must leave this man. I think you knew that already and that is why you wrote the initial post. If you stay it sounds like your heart will slowly be dying inside of you. As for how to leave I reckon talk to him and make it clear it is over and ask him to move out. Is the house in your name alone? If so this should be easy. If he resists then go and see a solicitor to clarify your options and take it from there. There is better out there for you. Be strong and you will find someone who truly makes your heart sing x
  • Hello Jay Jay - I would just like to say I'm sorry to hear of your situation and unfortunately there are many people out there in a similar situation as yourself.



    I hope I can offer some helpful advice: - If you do not wish to continue the relationship with your partner the law states that you "as the mother of your children" have the legal right to stay in your home where your children have a stable routine, no matter who's name is on the mortgage. If he still decides to stay in the house after politely asking him to leave, you have the right to call in a Solicitor (which you should get legal aid for) to tell him to remove himself from the house, however if he starts kicking off you can call the police and they will remove him.



    If his name is on the mortgage and he has been asked to leave he can't just go off to an estate agent and hope that they will stick a for sale sign up while you are all peacefully asleep for you to find in the morning. If a Solicitor gets involved they will inform land registry and they will stop your house from being sold until some such time you are ready to sell.



    Also the best part of this information is that a Solicitor can force him to pay towards you all living in the house.



    Of course this all needs to be thought about sensibly.



    I would seriously think about a few options before any sort of throwing out happens i.e. writing a letter, talking or even suggesting councelling, as it can be quite helpful in some cases.



    Talking to someone isn't always easy especially if they are closed off from everything and that is easier said than done.



    Not everyone is in the same shoes as you and that is also easier said than done to say "ditch him". You are the one going through this and you are the one who needs to make the decision and way up the pros and cons etc.



    Not alot of Mum's know there rights legally and thought this may help.



    I hope everything works out for you hun.



    Jen x

  • MrsJLMrsJL Posts: 378
    Jay Jay,



    When I got to the bit in your story saying "We have never had a holiday together. We don't talk, he sits in one room, I in the other" I thought oh! my god.



    My marriage broke up 15 years ago and my ex said I had become like a sister to him and not a wife. At that point I decided it was time to move on. I'm so glad I did. It took me a long time to meet my h2b but I couldn't be happier.



    Leave your partner to become better acquainted with his computer. You have a life to live and it starts right now.



    Good luck. Hope you have the courage to walk away.



    Sending you a hug x
  • Hi Jay Jay,



    Many people can offer advice as to what they would do in your position but the bottom line is that only you can decide. The fact that you have written on this site says a lot....



    If you are staying just because of the financial side of things then dont because then you will both continue to be unhappy and never get the chance to move on with your lives.



    Legal Advice may be free but this depends upon your income/savings however even if you have to pay it will be a small price if it puts your mind at rest and helps you decide what to do. Sometimes the mere fact that a partner is told by a solicitor that his relationship is in difficulties is enough to given them a huge wake up call that has been long overdue!



    Good luck



    [Modified by: w00dst0ck on November 30, 2009 04:58 PM]

  • Hey, JayJay! Please don't commit yourself to someone who has no respect for you, let alone love. The best thing I ever did was get divorced from the father of my daughter.

    It is scarey getting out, even if you're really unhappy. But, it is so worth the few months of extra grief that come from arguing over furniture and paying for solicitors. You will find a new love for yourself and more confidence.

    You don't need him. Get rid and you'll find a whole new you! Best of luck, sweets. x
  • Leaving my ex husband was the hardest thing I ever did. But now I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I was with him 16 1/2 yrs and it was him in one room and me in another. I also did all the work, brought home the money, I had your life Jay Jay. But it can change. Only you can make it happen but god it is worth that hassle to be happy. We only have one life and should live each day to the full. My only regret was staying in it so long. My kids still see my ex and (after 7 years apart now) we can manage a civil word to each other now and again.



    LIve is for Living!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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