Bride and Bridesmaid Dance

Hello fellow Brides, I am new to this forum but I am getting married this year (YAYY!) and I wanted to come somewhere that I could gain advice and support from fellow brides also marrying soon.

 

Before I got engaged I always dreamed about having my closet friends plan my wedding with me and enjoy the experience of taking part in the things that are important to me in my wedding. While my MOH and some bridesmaids have been great, there are times when I feel that my plans I always dreamed off are somehow inconveniencing them when I feel I should be getting support. 

So I really wanted to do a bride and bridesmaid dance for the reception, a mash-up of Beyonce songs and do a small routine that will last like 4 minutes. I have a friend who can teach us a dance and help us put it together. My bridesmaids have (mostly) agreed to take part and do this for me but its like I am pulling their arms being their back and making them not excited or happy because of it. All I have said so far is lets try to learn, if we fail and look rubbish then obviously we don't need to go through with it, but I just want to try. The whole thing is just making me feel anxious as supposed to be something I feel I get support about and encouragement to say okay what are we doing for it, taking a little interest but no, its the subject that dare come up and peoples faces go strange. 

 

Its one day, their friends wedding, am I wrong to feel like why can't people just support me and do this small thing? Like I said just trying to learn it and put something together with me is all I wanted so far. I just don't know, what is everyone else's views on this, did you have a dance/planning one?

 

Thanks in advance :) 

Posts

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,775 New bride

    There isn't a friend or family member I love enough to do a choreographed dance with in front of people for. It's my idea of hell, and so I feel sorry for your BMs at being asked to do this. BM are there to stand by you, support you, help plan if they are able/want to. They are not there to do stuff they aren't comfortable with. Sorry :(

  • babydeerbabydeer Posts: 34

    Hi Sadieee, 

     

    Thank you for for responding and providing your input. I understand that it may be an ask for some people but its just fun, nothing serious and it means the world to me to suprise my H2B with a dance with my girls. So far all I have said is lets try us together in the house and see if we can pull something together. I really feel that if I don't do this on my wedding day then it would put a damper on it for me as its something I have dreamed about for so long. Thanks anyways. 

  • MrsJ2017MrsJ2017 Posts: 3,017

    I agree with Sadie I’m afraid, I would rather step down as a bridesmaid than go along with a dance routine.

    I think a bridesmaids role is turn up on the day, wear the dress and smile. People will have varying ideas, some want support and help, but I dont thinks it’s fair to force this on them when you’ve said they seem far from keen.

    I don’t think they’re being unreasonable at all.

  • Helen225Helen225 Posts: 861 New bride

    I agree with Sadieee, my Husband and I would happily have skipped the first dance let alone do something chronographed in front of potentially loads of people I didn‘t know. My toes are curling at the thought. I think you may have to just skip this one and if you go through with it, I suspect people’s memory of it may be “how embarrassed did her BMs look” rather than “how cool”. 

  • SadieeeSadieee Posts: 1,775 New bride
    blondebride2018 wrote (see post):

    Hi Sadieee, 

     

    Thank you for for responding and providing your input. I understand that it may be an ask for some people but its just fun, nothing serious and it means the world to me to suprise my H2B with a dance with my girls. So far all I have said is lets try us together in the house and see if we can pull something together. I really feel that if I don't do this on my wedding day then it would put a damper on it for me as its something I have dreamed about for so long. Thanks anyways. 

    You say 'It's just fun' but that's the problem, it's obviously not fun for them, they aren't/wont enjoy it. I find the idea of swimming with sharks fun but I don't expect others to agree or do it with me. If you want to do a choreographed dance can you and H2B not do one together for your first dance?

  • babydeerbabydeer Posts: 34

    I think comparing swimming with sharks to doing a dance for a few minutes a bit far fetched. As I said in my original post, I am merely asking my girls to try and learn this first with me and if we fail then I am not forcing anyone to do it, I simply want to try and see if we can look good doing it before we do anything in public. I ask them to try because as I said this is very important to me and while I can understand that some people are not thrilled, If this was one of their weddings I would at least try if it was important to them. We are also going to learn a dance for our first dance but the point of the bridesmaid one was to do something nice for my fiancee, not with him. Thanks again anyways.

  • TiaMariaTiaMaria Posts: 120

    I would probably agree with the other posters on this one (In the nicest possible way!). I think if you read many of the other BM posts on this forum you'll realise that ....unfortunately your wedding (noy yours specifically, everyones!) is just not as important to other people. People have their own lives and BMs enthusiasm for every minute detail and activities varies massively. When I was a BM I was there for everything, whereas one wasnt, my own current BMs are all  enthused/involved, but honestly it shouldn't be expected. 

    With regards to a dance. I personally would've not been thrilled with the idea but, I might have tried. You mentioned it is 4 minutes - that seems really long!! Maybe cut it to 2? I know if I was a guest I personally would find 4 minutes...slightly awkward to sit and watch that, particularly if it was clear not everyone is on board. 

    whatever you decide to do...good luck!!! X

  • I agree with the other posters. This would be my idea of nightmare. I know that it might seem like a ’bit of fun to you’ but from how you’ve worded your post I wonder if you might be putting too much pressure/expectation on your BMs. I know you want them to try and see how it goes, but would you really recognise that it’s not working (because it already sounds like it’s not to me), or would you want them to keep trying anyway because it’s something you want? 

    I think the best thing to do here is ask the girls if they want to take part in the dance and make it optional, if enough of them agree - great! And if not, that might speak a thousand words. 

    Also, you have mentioned that it‘s very important bacause you’ve dreamed of doing on your wedding day. I’m sure you’ve also dreamed of having a relaxed day where your guests can enjoy themselves? I don’t think this is the environment you're creating, for your wedding party at least, from the sound of things. I think you need to think about what’s more important - a dance or happy, relaxed BMs. 

    I really hope that it all works out for you and wish you the best of luck though!

  • HelenNHelenN Posts: 123 New bride

    It's one thing to be able to dance well with friends in the privacy of your home, it's another thing dancing infront of a room full of people, it bridesmaid dresses, probably being filmed or at least photographed. I would step down as a BM for my best friend if I had to do this. I'm not really looking forward to the first dance with my H2B lol!

    If you're close to your BM's then i'd suggest being careful as to not let any negative feelings come out of this. Ask them honestly who's up for it and who isn't. 4 minutes is a long time. We all can picture things in our heads and make them appear amazing, but in reality if you've got awkward and embarrassed BM's dancing to a song they aren't comfortable with, it'll probably be the talk of your wedding and maybe not in a good way. If they did want to do it then it could look amazing! I've seen video's on youtube of groomsmen doing the same thing to surprise the bride. But you need to make sure that the girls are 100% up for it, it doesn't sound like they are from what you've said so far though x

  • GinAndBlingGinAndBling Posts: 930 New bride

    If you want to learn a dance together for fun, you could look at doing a dance lesson or something for a hen do? There’s a few in London (Drink Shop Do have a Beyoncé one I think). 

    I agree with the other posters though unfortunately.. id rather cut my own arm off than stand up and do a choreographed dance in front of 10s of potential strangers. I think it’s too big an ask to bend their arm to do it, as others have said why not make it optional. you could always do a choreographed dance with H2B, dad, mum etc? 

    Our planning thread: We're completely winging it.

    My weightloss thread: Diet denial! 
  • redhair82redhair82 Posts: 289

    Being asked to be a bridesmaid is already a big thing, involving extra expense/duties/outfits you might not want to wear....this is too big of an ask...sorry. I would HATE to be asked to do this. You need to find out if they actually want to do this, if they don't, then please don't make them!! It will be cringey and embarrassing for everyone if they only put half the effort in or look uncomfortable doing it. I am not sure why you want to do it tbh...sorry. We are all a bit honest about our opinions on this forum, and usually we are divided but this one seems unanimous! Please don't fall out with your BMs if they don't want to do this. x

  • Beatrice25Beatrice25 Posts: 92

    Sorry but I would have to agree with everyone else. I would absolutely hate to do an organised dance infront of loads of people. It takes me a lot to get up and dance as it is let alone with everyone watching and filming. My friend recently did a dance off at her wedding (hens against stags) and I just couldn't do it. I was way too embarrassed and hate forced stuff, but that's just me!

    If a couple of you are willing to do it then why not, but I wouldn't force them to do it. I don't think it makes them a bad friend or bridesmaid if they choose not to do it either. x

  • I have to say it might not seem like a big deal to you to ask them to dance at your wedding but not everyone is comfortable dancing like that in a room full of people they don’t know! Not everyone likes being the center of attention either.

    I was a bridesmaid for one of my friends and we did a dance class as part of my friends hen party. Well she then decided that we had to do this dance at the wedding reception. This even included a lift at the end with us all holding her in the air! I’m not a natural dancer and was absolutely dreading it if I’m honest. I didn’t have the chance to enjoy the wedding because of this as I was worried about it, we ended up doing the routine minus the lift it went down well but I felt rudiculous the whole way through. My fiancé thought it was hilarious and not in the cool hip way either! 

    Yes it’s your wedding but you are asking a lot if them if they are uncomfortable at this stage imagine how they will feel on your wedding day? I wouldnt personally be comfortable knowing my friends aren’t happy. My bridesmaids will be celebrating the day with us and Are in the bridal party because they are closest to me I would want them to enjoy themselves as much as myself not be dreading it so I would urge you to look at your priorities personally

  • weatherwaxeweatherwaxe Posts: 860 New bride

    Aah if anyone asked me to do this I would immediately resign as a bridesmaid. What you think is cute and fun would be cringe and embarrassing to so many other people. It's just asking way too much of your bridesmaids. That's not to say you can't do it, but please don't force anyone who doesn't want to participate.

    I've seen videos of this sort of thing on Youtube and they can be quite difficult to watch unless the bride and all the bridesmaid are 100% on board and also very good dancers. This sort of thing more often than not ends up on mumsnet/rando internet forum lists of 'most awkward/cringe things you've ever experienced at a wedding'. I can't imagine anything worse than having to watch a super enthusiastic bride and a bunch of unenthused awkward bridesmaids prance around a room to Single Ladies.

     I'd recommend doing a choreographed dance with your new husband as your first dance instead. So much nicer to watch for a guest and you still get to do a cute dance.

  • babydeerbabydeer Posts: 34

    Hi everyone, thank you so much for providing me your honest feedback. 

     

    The truth is I have five bridesmaids, 1 refuses to do it and thats fine, 2 say will do it but would rather not but understand its important to me and the other 2 bridesmaids are happy to do the dance. I also have a cousin and cousins girlfriend outside of the bridal party agreeing to do the dance and a friend from Germany who is also coming from my wedding so says yes as well (without being forced). 

    For the 2 bridesmaids that are unsure, I have tried to take your comments on board and I have decided to limit the dance to no more than 3 minutes and 30 seconds and try to get it down to 3 minutes. I am also going to get it choreographed on my own so I can film the dance instructor or myself doing it and when they can see how simple it is then they may feel more comfortable taking part. I am going to use upbeat songs (marry you bruno marts, Beyonce love on top, grease songs etc) and just make it really simple. 

    I have heard everyones comments but I really want to do this (at least try anyways) so I am trying to do everything I can to make the girls who are uncomfortable more secure. I would never want any lifts, any crazy moves and after the video is made I can always change certain parts if anything does not agree with any of the moves. Two of my bridesmaids are great and happy to do it but one is American and it might be more of an American thing, she just said "I can't wait to learn it". My other family members think it sounds fun but I would love everyone to take part. You cannot force anyone to do anything and I would never deem that they need to do it but I am only trying to encourage my girls to try and if after seeing my video and still feeling the same way then I can reconsider then but overall I want to try and achieve this as its always been a wedding dream. 

    Thanks again. xx

  • KittyFiennesKittyFiennes Posts: 775 New bride

    I think that if you've had trouble getting everyone on board to do the simpler, more traditional things (which it sounds like you have), that getting five ladies to do something like this will be no less than an act of God -especially if they aren't delighted with the idea to begin with. If they aren't overly enthused and/or can't find the time to go pick out shoes with you all together (just for example), what makes you think they'll have the time and interest to do something far more time consuming and potentially embarrassing as learning and performing a choreographed dance?

    I get that you say this is a dream of yours, but sincerely: this sounds like something out of a romcom movie. Things like this just generally don't happen in real life.  IRL, there are BMs that live too far away to join you for practice sessions, BM with a twisted ankle or ingrown nail or some other health issue, pregnant BMs, shy BMs, workaholic BMs, and on and on.  I hope that you can pull this off, but I can see a million real reasons why this won't work.

    I also second/third/fourth the motion that I would step down as a BM before participating. Count me in as one of the aforementioned workaholic and shy BM-types.

  • shanmia35shanmia35 Posts: 65

    Cutting it down to 3 minutes is missing the point a bit, no? As other posters have said, if you pressure BMs who aren’t keen to do it anyway, the dance will probably end up looking a little lacklustre?

    Why not just do the dance with the BMs and others that you have said are happy to do it? Yes, it’s your wedding dream but for some people, something like this is a total nightmare, no matter how simple or short the routine.

    I’m sorry you didn’t get the responses you were hoping for on here but i think you need to accept that just because this is your idea of fun doesn’t mean it’s eveyones, and just because it’s not a big deal to you doesn’t mean that that’s the case for everyone else.

     

     

     

  • CFWCFW Posts: 234

    Good luck with it...But please bear in mind, although it is your dream, it is not worth losing your friends over. :) 

  • Ali's goneAli's gone Posts: 544

    I hate to say it, but you do seem to be missing the point a little, sorry.

     

    For those girls who have already told you they are uncomfortable with the idea and/or simply don't want to do it, it isn't going to make that much difference whether its a minute or an hour!

     

    I honestly think you need to think long and hard about what your priority is here, and whether its worth upsetting friends over.  At the end of the day, this is YOUR wedding, not theirs, and the day is traditionally about the Bride and Groom, not the Bride and her embarrassed/unhappy/uncomfortable mates.....

  • babydeerbabydeer Posts: 34
    KittyFiennes wrote (see post):

    I think that if you've had trouble getting everyone on board to do the simpler, more traditional things (which it sounds like you have), that getting five ladies to do something like this will be no less than an act of God -especially if they aren't delighted with the idea to begin with. If they aren't overly enthused and/or can't find the time to go pick out shoes with you all together (just for example), what makes you think they'll have the time and interest to do something far more time consuming and potentially embarrassing as learning and performing a choreographed dance?

    I get that you say this is a dream of yours, but sincerely: this sounds like something out of a romcom movie. Things like this just generally don't happen in real life.  IRL, there are BMs that live too far away to join you for practice sessions, BM with a twisted ankle or ingrown nail or some other health issue, pregnant BMs, shy BMs, workaholic BMs, and on and on.  I hope that you can pull this off, but I can see a million real reasons why this won't work.

    I also second/third/fourth the motion that I would step down as a BM before participating. Count me in as one of the aforementioned workaholic and shy BM-types.

     

    Hi thanks for your advice but I never gave any details about my other bridesmaid related activities and how things have been going so I am unsure why you assumed I had 'trouble' getting them to take part in things, which is actually completely the opposite and I am very close to my bridesmaids who are really good friends. As I said above I am not forcing anyone to do anything, the girls who were not over the moon were also not refusing and were happy to try for my sake, which I appreciate. If they refused point blank like the others then I would understand but they haven't, they just have their reservations so I am going to try and make the routine up first but like I said most of my bridesmaids/people taking part are happy to do it. 

    Its not about it being from the movies, who says this cannot happen in real life? I like to be positive and think anything is possible if you put your mind to do it. Obviously if we all try and learn this dance and fall on our feet then I would never put my closest friends through that but I want to just try first as I have previously said several times. I do not mind that you are all not giving me answers I wanted, I never came here to hear what you think I want to hear, I just wanted to hear other brides experiences of those who did similar things and how they went around it. Clearly that is not the case in this forum and I appreciate your kindness when you give the advice you give. 

     

     

     

  • babydeerbabydeer Posts: 34
    CFW wrote (see post):

    Good luck with it...But please bear in mind, although it is your dream, it is not worth losing your friends over. :) 

    I have no idea why you would think I would lose my friends over this. Its not that bad, as I have said the bridesmaid who refused, thats fine she can sit it out, the others are happy to try, I was only looking for advice on how to make the situation better, not scrap it altogether. True friends wouldn't stop being your friend because you wanted a 3 minute dance and as I have said no one is forced to do anything they really feel they cannot stand up and do. After they all see my routine video, if they say no then fine but I think I am in my right to try. Thanks again. 

  • babydeerbabydeer Posts: 34
    Ali S 71 wrote (see post):

    I hate to say it, but you do seem to be missing the point a little, sorry.

     

    For those girls who have already told you they are uncomfortable with the idea and/or simply don't want to do it, it isn't going to make that much difference whether its a minute or an hour!

     

    I honestly think you need to think long and hard about what your priority is here, and whether its worth upsetting friends over.  At the end of the day, this is YOUR wedding, not theirs, and the day is traditionally about the Bride and Groom, not the Bride and her embarrassed/unhappy/uncomfortable mates.....

     

    Thank you for your feedback, I actually want to do this as a surprise for my groom, partly why its important to me. 

  • weatherwaxeweatherwaxe Posts: 860 New bride

    I think giving it a go is totally fine, and you doing a little video for your bridesmaids first is an excellent way of gauging whether they're into the idea or not and you can be completely clear on what is expected. That way those that are wobbly about the idea can make up their minds whether they want to do the dance or not.

    I think everyone is just trying to make you aware that you definitely shouldn't try and force anyone into something they don't want to do, especially as you obviously do want this to happen very much. You're lucky that you have a lot of bridesmaids, and half are already on board, so you should be able to pull this off even if some of your maids would prefer not to participate.

  • babydeerbabydeer Posts: 34
    weatherwaxe wrote (see post):

    I think giving it a go is totally fine, and you doing a little video for your bridesmaids first is an excellent way of gauging whether they're into the idea or not and you can be completely clear on what is expected. That way those that are wobbly about the idea can make up their minds whether they want to do the dance or not.

    I think everyone is just trying to make you aware that you definitely shouldn't try and force anyone into something they don't want to do, especially as you obviously do want this to happen very much. You're lucky that you have a lot of bridesmaids, and half are already on board, so you should be able to pull this off even if some of your maids would prefer not to participate.

     

    Thank yo so much for your kind feedback I really appreciate that. I never meant to come across as if I was forcing anyone, I just would have loved more encouragement thats all but you can't control things in life. I am sure it will go down a treat at the wedding if I am able to pull it off. Thanks again. 

     

  • Oh god this sounds like my idea of hell! (Both the taking part as a bridesmaid or the watching as a guest)

    I always thought all bridesmaids needed to do was turn up on time, wear a pretty dress, smile for photos and support the bride on the day?! I certainly won't be asking anything more of my bridesmaids, we are all adults with our own busy lives! 

    Good luck if you do decide to go ahead with it though!

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