Help... posh wedding, scruffy mob

Really dont want to sound like a stuck up cow here but off we go...

Through work, both myself and h2b spend alot of time at formal functions, and as such we have chosen to make our wedding such an event. M & D are fine with this, and have offered to pay for alot of it.

Dad was over the moon when we chose his morning suit complete with top hat, as he loves 'getting dressed up' for want of a better phrase.

Mother on the other hand has been a nightmare, all the flowers and menswear and details have gone down so well, yet she asked yesterday, in all seriousness why she couldnt wear her jeans to the night do, and a dress that's decades old for the day do, complete with a yukky hat thats been on her wardrobe so long is grey with dust. She doesnt want her hair doing, or a facial, or even any make up. have offered to treat her to a full pamper day but she keeps saying "thats not me".

We are all as down to earth as you can get, but i just thought for our special day she would like to make an effort. I've bought her a beautiful skirt suit, with a pretty lace vest to go underneath... her response?? "tell me i dont have to wear a stupid hat"

I'm at my wits end, i want a formal day, to share with my friends and family, yet mother is being so difficult... any ideas? :\?:\?:\?

Thanks in advance and sorry for the essay x


  • louise1981uklouise1981uk Posts: 1,031
    Is she feeling a bit insecure?
  • Hi, I was mob not long ago and it was a formal wedding. I was really apprehensive about a wedding outfit as didn't want to wear anything old fashioned or pastel, that wasn't me. Maybe she thinks she wont find anything that's 'her'. I was pleasantly surprised that there were some fab outfits not at all old fashioned and I got one I love and can actually wear again. I also thought I wouldn't get a hat to suit me and I did.

    What will mog wear? Maybe if you suggest that everyone else will be dressed up , your mum will realise she will be under dressed for your special day. Having done the whole dressing up thing, it was great. She will surely want to look special for herself and you on the day.

    Is it possible that treating herself to nice things isn't what she'd usually do and that spending a lot on a nice outfit feels somehow wrong, if you know what I mean? She would stand out a lot more if she was underdressed and would probably feel awkward when she realised it. Good Luck!
  • libbylou85libbylou85 Posts: 779
    you should take her shopping and focus on her for the day, i know its your wedding, but if she isn't a generally do your self up kinda woman she may feel awkward going shoping and trying on posh outfits since its another world of fashion to her, maybe you could make a day of it, go to lunch, do it in a relaxed way, fun, try on some silly things and and try to find things she would feel comfortable in but that are also fancy, or maybe a nice light trouser suit and a fancy jacket, and tell her she only has to wear the hat for some photos, whats more important your mum looking spotless and posh all day and night or having a happy comfortable mob who won't be noticed if she takes her hat of or is wearing a slightly more casual outfit on the dance floor? but yes jeans are a no no! lol

    but she has to understand that you want her to look like a part of the wedding party because she is speical to you on your wedding day.
  • You said that you and your fiance have been to a lot of formal dos through work. I take it that your Mum isn't used to going to this sort of occasion? If that's the case, I expect she is feeling apprehensive, and frightened that she will look out of place if she dresses up.

    The outfit you have bought for her sounds perfect. If she isn't used to wearing a hat, she might be happier with a fascinator. I'd take her to a proper hat shop, and let her try on lots. The assistants in the specialist shops are usually great, and know just what will suit their customers.

    As for her hair, why don't you just make an appointment for her and then tell her it's already been paid for, so she'll have to go!

    It doesn't sound as if she's doing this just to ruin your day; it sounds as if she's apprehensive and a bit worried about looking different to her usual self.

    Good luck!
  • Love the idea of booking it & telling her its paid for so she doesnt have a choice...

    I mentioned fascinators but they're "too young", hats are "too formal"... she rarely goes to formal functions & most of the weddings she's been to lately have been quite casual.

    Think i'll just have to chip away a bit at a time... only 4 weeks though so better get a wriggle on. Thanks for the advice xxx
  • libbylou85libbylou85 Posts: 779
    try and remind her of all the times you had to be immaculate for school photos!

    tell her this is payback and she has no choice, your wedding is a posh do and only posh outfits will do, tell her if i didn't love you and wnt you there i wouldn't care what your wearing but your my mother your important to me on this day and i want you to look as fabulous as i know you can!
  • stmarystmary Posts: 204
    i am in a slightly similar quandry.

    we assumed that the hsb, my dad, best man, 1 usher and h2b's dad would all be in morning suits. the only stipulation my h2b had was he wanted tail coats...he is even letting them all choose a waistciat and tie colour from a choice of 6 which all tone in with our colours.

    h2b rang home and spoke to his mum last weekend, the conversation moved onto the suits, ''oh, you rdad won't want a suit'' she says, followed by ''he didnt wear one for your brothers wedding and he won't wear one for yours'' i could have cried...more for my h2b because she just made it sound like ''this is how your dad is and he will never change'' his mum calls him shy, he is just a miser when he wants to be and i am very upset about it. my parents are forking out for the WHOLE THING apart from our honeymoon which we are dealing with, and i mean everything, my dress, church, reception, cars, food, wine, tab at the bar, everything. my dad has (rightfully, i think) assumed that h2b's parents will offer to pay for the suits as this is the olny thing left, i cannot imagine this now that his dad will not even wear one.

    h2b's argument is ''let him look stupid in all the photos and all day at the reception if that is what he wants, we are not falling out about it'' but i know he is upset and angry.

    i am planning on having a word in a few weeks when we go to see them, but i am not confident he will change his mind.

    he has always been the same, so unemotional, and i do not know how my MIL2B has put up with him all these years, if that had been my husband being so disrespondant for his own selifsh reasons, i would have kicked him into touch immediately...

    so i really can sympathise with your situation, people make you feel so petty, but to me, refusing to wear a dress/ suit whatever, is like saying ''your special day is not worth the effort'' without actually saying it X
  • gemmapaynegemmapayne Posts: 908
    How about a flower or a pretty clip for her hair instead of a fascinator or a hat?

    My mum didn't want to wear a hat as she just didn't feel it suited her. She's gone for a fascinator, but I can understand your mum feeling they're quite young looking.

    Flowers or perhaps a pretty clip could be a possible solution. She has to feel comfortable in what she's wearing otherwise she won't enjoy the day.

    Good luck xxx
  • minime2006minime2006 Posts: 792
    I sympathise completely - h2b's parents can be quite stuck up, mine quite common - i spent weeks panicking about this - that his parent wouldn't like mine because they weren't good enough (they not meeting till the wedding) and then I came to the conclusion it doesn't matter what they look like - its whats on the inside which counts. And if his parents and the other guests can't see past that - then they are the ones with the prob. I personally think that as long as people have made the effort - then thats what matters. My mother doesn't want to wear a hat - so what - whatever makes her comfortable. The day is about myself and h2b, not what people look like.

    Although I am talking mob and bridesmaids into a pampering day the day before as a compromise.

    Good luck xxx
  • h7_cjsyahoocoukh7_cjsyahoocouk Posts: 1,378
    Hey... Not much advice, but just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel! Good luck! Hxx
  • jharris_86jharris_86 Posts: 313
    mums.......... who'd have them????!
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