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Issues About the Best Man

My H2B wants to ask his best friend to be his best man. She is a woman, but the person he wants to be standing there with him on the day. I totally support his decision and am thrilled that he wants to ask her - I think she will do a fab job. Both H2B and I have a brother each who we want to be ushers, to greet our guests, help with filming parts of the ceremony and to do a speech after H2B and I are pronounced man and wife. Both brothers are really excited about the wedding and can't wait to be all suited up. We haven't asked the best man yet, or asked the ushers about their speech but we are sure they will all be happy. Our problem is that H2B's mum and grandmum think he should be asking his brother and not his friend. We've tried to explain the reasons why : H2B doesn't see his brother as a calming influence, he has always wanted to ask his friend and we do not want my brother to feel excluded. For the same reasons I have chosen my closest friend as MOH rather than one of our sisters. We want them all to be in the wedding aprty, just not in the role that H2Bs mum and grandmum want. I am getting sick of all the interfering (but that is a whole other can of worms). It seems that every time H2B and I decide we really want something, someone is telling us we can't or shouldn't do it that way and telling what we should be doing instead. It is driving me bonkers and I am ready to snap. H2B is confused and upset. His mum has made him feel guilty about not asking his brother, but when he thinks of the wedding, he pictures his friend standing there. Any advice on how to handle this and what we might do to keep everyone happy?!?!?!


  • clairem25clairem25 Posts: 417

    Families are a nightmare aren't they!! Ultimately it's your day so you two should choose who you want to play a part. We went to a wedding recently where the 'chief bridesmaid' was actually the bride's best friend (who so happened to be a male!)-but without the dress! It worked because it was the person who meant the most to the bride & who she wanted to be there on her special day.

    Alternatively could you not have joint best men? Then his brother & friend can both share the role? Or if his brother has to be best man, could she not be an usher?

    Hope you get this sorted!!

  • FlossukFlossuk Posts: 43
    We thought about having joint best men, but then thought that would leave my brother out, which isn't fair either. Also, H2B feels it's daft to ask his friend to be best man and then give half the duties to his brother. We want the brothers to be ushers, it's just MIL 2 B doesn't. ARGH.
  • louise1981uklouise1981uk Posts: 1,031
    I do not think that it is leaving your brother out if he is not bestman. he is your brother not the grooms brother so he cannot expect to be given the same role on the grooms side of the wedding party as his brother. It would be weird for the h2b sister to expect to be treated on an equal footing to your sister in your half of the wedding party.

    If you want to include your brother in a more important role than usher why not make him part of your bridal party. The bestman is actually going to be a bestwoman so it will not be too odd if your have a male bridesmaid.

    I personally think he should have his brother as bestman but that is simply my opinion. His brother will always be his brother but his best friend may not always be his best friend (is she single, becaus eif she gets a long term partner, their relationship may change). I also wou;d hate to see another woman stand there and make a speech at my wedding about how she has known my husband for longer etc as bestman speeches tend to focus on the history of the groom, and I know thta other people would find it odd so keeping asking me about their relationship which would make me paranoid on the day even though i knew there was nothing there.
  • FlossukFlossuk Posts: 43
    Thanks for your reply. H2B adn I have been together 7 years, we both see each other's siblings as our own - his brother and sister mean as much to me as my own and it is the same for H2B. We both feel that it would be unfair to have one brother as best man and not the other - that's just the way we feel about it.

    I guess it comes down to personal choice. H2B and his best friend have been friends for a long time, that isn't going to change. She is also a very close friend of mine. She isn't single - she is in a long term relationship with another woman. She is also much older than H2B and I. Even if she were single or the same age, it would not make a difference to their friendship or to the fact he wants her stood next to him on our wedding day.

    I am thrilled that he wants to ask her. I don't think people will find it odd and it does not bother me that she will make a speech that may refer to his past - it is what I woudl expect of any best man, his brother included. I think it would be very strange to be feeling insecure on my wedding day - if I did not trust him, I would nto be marrying him. So having a female best man is not going to make me paranoid at all. And I doubt our guests will be concerned either - they are all family and our closest friends who would not doubt that H2B and I are meant to be together. I think it would be very sad to have guests at my wedding that were doubting our marriage. It would make the day a bit pointless in my eyes.

  • louise1981uklouise1981uk Posts: 1,031
    You are lucky-I know I would get people (aka my Grandmother) winding me up all day. I cam veyr sensitive like that so even if I let it go over my head I would worry about it in the run up to it. It is also really sweet that you are so close to each others siblings, I hear of a lot of family problems in that respect. You should not sweat it because one or two people are making comments.

    I am not sure how your wedding procession is going to be but if you are doing it the american way where the bridesmaids go first what about also adopting the american style of having groomsmen. that way the brothers can walk down the aisle with the sisters. That could be a really sweet gesture, and would get people off your back about them not being bestman.
  • excitedgirlexcitedgirl Posts: 356
    If I was you I'd speak to the brothers and the best woman, explain the roles you'd like them to have and why, then assuming they're all happy about it, then tell your MIL that's what's happening. If your brothers etc are all happy then really, what's she got to complain about?

    Know it's not quite that easy, but it sounds like this is one of those situations where parents want to do it a particular way because it's traditional, rather than doing what actually suits the individual bride and groom. x
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