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Agreeing on when to start a family...


I have, for the last couple of years especially, really wanted to start trying for a baby but my partner has always seemed very reluctant - not old enough, not enough money, not broody, doesn't like babys, being some of his reasons. Due to this I had kind of excepted that it wouldn't happen until he was at least approaching 30 (he's 26 now), however the other night over tea he suddenly announced to me that as of the wedding day all contraception stops and we will see what happens so although we haven't really sat down and properly discussed it we will officially be trying for a baby from Oct!!

So, I was wondering when/how you and your partners decided the time was right to have a baby? Quite often one wants a baby and the other wants to wait so reaching a point when you are both ready can take some time.

I look forward to reading your replies.



  • jodaho88jodaho88 Posts: 2,356
    Hi, i'm in a different situation in that we're not actually ttc yet- i just like to lurk on here sometimes and learn for when it does happen.

    We are still young and aren't to be married for another 2 years so are in no hurry but since we were about 19, my h2b has made no secret of the fact that he would be over the moon if i fell pregnant.

    Although i am broody and have been for some time, i just don't think we are ready for it. I would like to be married first and settled in our own house and sorted financially first and even though i know we weuld get by if i was pregnant, i just want to wait until we are more 'family friendly'.

    H2B understands my reasons and for the time being, he is content looking after his 18month old nephew.

    It can be a tricky situation when one wants a child and another wants to wait but in our case it is just a case of hanging off until the time is better.

    I don't see any reason for us to stop any contraception on the wedding night as i think by then, it will be right for us.

    I think a lot of people have a tough time agreeing when to have a baby though?
  • leokatyleokaty Posts: 526
    When is the right time, is there ever a right time.

    For me I want to be settled financially ie in higher paid job than I am now.

    We have also only just moved in together and want to enjoy a good few years just being us and we I want to be in a bigger house (ours has 2 double rooms and one box room) but I cant imagine myself in it for years and years and when we start a family we want to be settled.

    Women can have babies well into their 40s now so why rush
  • ChristmasBabaChristmasBaba Posts: 143
    Hi, my situation is the opposite. Im not a fan of babies and although I think it would be lovely to start a family I do not feel ready. I am too young (22) and I think of all the things I would like to do with my life and how many things I would miss out on. I enjoy my career now but I have always wanted to be a teacher, now with the wedding I can not afford to take a year off work to train. Plus I was only at uni 2 years ago and do not feel settled. I know that if I am thinking like this, I should steer clear of babies until I am 100% ready. But... H2B feels very different he is 5 years older (28) and is seeing all his friends/sisters having children and he would like a family. He has agreed to move out of London (where we live currently) next May to be close to my family so we have a support network. And I have told him that I would never have a child in London and I am uphappy here being a country gal! This puts me in a horrible situation as I know how much this means to my H2B but at the same its my life.. We are ok for money but I think that there are other things I would like to spend it on. I am aware that this sounds awful - does anyone think this is selfish?

  • Mayse29Mayse29 Posts: 118
    MrsDuke2b, I don't think you're selfish at all. It's important that you both feel ready for a baby and that you don't have a child just to keep your h2b happy, it isn't that you've said you don't want a baby just not right now.

    As for is there ever a right time, probably not. There is always something that can hold us back,, jobs etc..I guess alot of it depends on you as a person. I have a friend who desperately wants a baby but won't even consider trying until she has xxx amount saved up where as me and my partner are ok for money, we're not struggling but do have to be careful with it but are both broody so that's why we plan to start after the wedding, if I waited until I had plenty of money I might never end up being a mum!


    [Modified by: middy29 on May 27, 2009 02:57 PM]

    [Modified by: middy29 on May 27, 2009 02:58 PM]

  • Fay27Fay27 Posts: 1,323
    We're getting married in just over 3 months but have agreed that we're not even thinking about babies for at least another two years. We both really want kids (2) but want to enjoy a couple of years alone first. And as broody as I am, I don't think I'm ready for the reality or full time responsibility of a baby right now!

    edited to add, I'm 28 and H2B is 30 so we'll be 30 and 32 when we start trying which is probably about right for us x

    [Modified by: Fay27 on May 27, 2009 03:03 PM]

  • pickletonpickleton Posts: 143
    We always knew we wanted children in the future, but H2B always joked when babies were mentioned i.e he didn't want them yet, pretending to panic.

    He's 28 and I'm 26 and I have always joked that I want 3 kids before I hit 30 because it winds him up lol.

    Anyway, we're engaged to be married now (May 2010), about a month ago he quite casually said, "So you're coming off the pill then after the wedding?"

    I thought he was joking, I nearly fell of my chair (in the pub) laughing, then I realised he was serious!!

    I assumed we would try when I hit 30, but he realised that when the child (son he says lol) is 20 he'll be 50 or over if he leaves it till then.

    I'm kind of glad he wants one asap, he's made my mind up for me, I'm not normally broody and 'freak' when some asks me to hold a new born, I think I would have put off having kids for ages.

    Now though, after thinking about it...I can't wait, I'm super broody

  • Mayse29Mayse29 Posts: 118
    Miss-Small, I'm super broody too! Although I have been broody for ages I could go weeks without thinking about it but ever since my h2b said he would like to start trying after the wedding it's all I think about, I can't go a day without thinking of the names I like, what pram I will have, decorating the spare room, it's madness!!! I then get really annoyed at myself because I get scared that if I think/talk about it too much I might jinx it!!

  • HodgeysDorrisHodgeysDorris Posts: 1,207
    We are not officially ttc as yet, but will be from Christmas onwards.Yay!! Although we haven't been too careful of late so may just happen earlier than we think... eeeeeek!! image

    I am 23 and h2b 25, will be 24 & 26 when we get married next April after being together for 6yrs and living together for almost 2yrs. Since we have been living together and have worked hard in our jobs, moved away from our family and friends for his job, we feel we have had enough 'just us' time and we do feel ready for a baby. We are financially secure and we want to be young parents.

    I have felt particularly 'ready' for a baby over the last year but h2b has a few big hang ups which has led us til now. He wants the baby to be born into a family as he doesn't like the idea of me having a different surname as he thinks that it doesn't represent a 'family unit' Also he wants us to enjoy our big day without the worry of a big bump and everyone assuming we are getting married because of it!!

    We have both decided that we would like 3children (h2b has been researching his family tree over the past few months and has found twins in his history so now he is constantly cracking twin jokes!!) We have talked about names have a short list for both sexes which we both agree on, but that will probably change.. image

    I don't think that there is ever a 'right time' to have a baby, but i do think that it is different for each couple, everyones values are different i.e age, financial situation or job satisfaction may all be factors as to why people choose or not to have a baby. I never wanted to get married after going through my parents divorce just as i approached my teens, in every relationship i had my belief never wavered untill i met A and as the relationship grew and we moved in together and we started talking about marriage and babies i realised that i did infact want to get married to him and i am sure our relationship satisfaction has led to us both feeling as though we would like to have a baby soon.

    *Sorry for the long post*




  • ChristmasBabaChristmasBaba Posts: 143
    it is so interesting to hear everyones point of view and when they are planning to have children. I think that a woman knows when it is right for her. Thats taking all other factors away. When I feel more settled and have done more things in my life then I would be ready, but one child may be enough for me!Well, thats until I start to get the broody feeling agian and I will end up with 8! lol. x
  • jimmysmumjimmysmum Posts: 622
    we always knew that we both wanted a baby and we reached a stage in our relationship where we knew we were settled and after years on the pill i came off it thinking it would take a few months but it happened straight away - so quicker than expected, but from the word go we were both over the moon. We originally planned to aim to have no2 when no1 was 2 and a half but when it came to the time we should have been trying my job was in jeopardy so we put it off, then no1 hit the terrible 2's and i thought id never want another, but sure enough our son is no longer terrible and now i am just yearning to have another, we are currently ttc no2 at the mo x
  • ziggywigsziggywigs Posts: 1,435
    well we are starting straight after the wedding...h2b wants family sooner....mind you we're more mature so time isn't on our side but i just hope we haven't left it too late.

    For years i was anti children waiting for the right time, agewise, financially, career there's always something to wait for when i eventually got there and then when i was ready - my long term relationship fell apart and he stated he didn't want kids we made the classic mistake of not talking about it beforehand. Fast forward a few years and now i'm marrying a wonderful guy who wants the same as me so we'll just see what happens.......just don't leave it too long ...most guys feel ready about 32 - 35 in my experience, women tend to be ready before that.
  • sharplesuksharplesuk Posts: 857
    My husband and I have been wanting to try for some time. But being married was more important for us both. We initially said we wanted a honeymoon baby but that never happened and now 9 months after our wedding, we're still ttc.

  • For me and my hubby we have had on and off plans to ttc some times he is really keen and it was not good timing for me, other times I have been keen and he was unsure however recently while discussing ttc he announced he doesnt like the formality of deciding when to start ttc and just wants us to have lots of fun and if I become pregnant he wants it to be a lovely suprise.
  • BrummieWifeBrummieWife Posts: 385
    I think we'll 'see how it goes' (i.e not trying but not preventing either) after the wedding, Aug 2010- We'll both be 25. My h2b has said for a long time he would be overjoyed but knew I wanted to be married first- just a preference- I don't think there's anything wrong with having children out of marriage (incase I offend anyone!). We'll have lived together over 4 years by then and been together longer so we've had plenty of alone time, we're happy with careers etc so I think it will be the right time. The only thing I'd like to do before then is move house, we currently live in an apartment which we've outgrown already- but its like my mom say's if you wait until you're ready it will never happen. I'm super broody, more and more friends are having kids, and I'd like our kids to be similar ages to them and our neices and nephews. Luckily we both have the same feelings towards children, plus he's fantastic with children x

  • Hi we got married may 2008 and said we wanted to start ttc as soon as we were married, well then i decided i wanted to change jobs, then wait for better maternity money with new job i got and in the middle of that i was offered the chance to go to uni and still be paid sooooo we kept putting it off but had quite a few "accidents" along the way! anyway we were then in march of this year and said we would definatly start ttc on our wedding anniversary but well that didnt happen, we thought, why wait the extra month because "no one fall pregnant straight away, it will take at least a year" anyway like i said we started ttc in april and well 3 weeks later i found out i was pregnant! I am now almost 9 weeks and looking forward to 12 week scan. I have a almost 4 year old anyway and have wanted another since she was 3 months old,lol hubby always wanted us to have brought bigger house (done) and get married (done!) so now we are both 100% ready and very excited. as my friend told me today-everything happenes for a reason when it should happen x
  • MrsKP_MrsKP_ Posts: 2,035
    Great topic, really interesting to read!

    Before getting married both my husband and myself were thinking that we'd like to wait 4-5 years. Since getting married (Dec 08) I've actually become broody, sometimes it's very strong and other times it's just a passive broodiness (if that makes sense!). Initially my husband said he'd like to wait a couple of years still, but after many discussions - with no pressure from myself I'd like to add - we've decided to start trying in January next year. That gives us enough time to enjoy being married and have a bit more freedom. I'm only 24 and my husband is about to turn 28 so I think if anything I'm still a bit young, but by the time I actually have a baby if all goes well I'll be 26 which I think is quite a good age.

    Rambled a bit here, but hope that makes sense image x
  • MrsKP_MrsKP_ Posts: 2,035
    I forgot to add - I'm really pleased for you that your husband took on such a change of mind middy, you must be thrilled!

    And also in terms of where we are in life, we're both in good jobs, have our own house and money isn't an issue, so in that respect we are happy to go ahead next year. x
  • We are getting married in December 09 and have decided to start ttc as soon as we are married, H2b will be nearly 30 and I will be nearly 26 so if all goes well then we will be the kind of ages we were hoping to be to have kids. I haven't really thought about it until fairly recently and have never really had a lot to do with children (neither of us have nephews or nieces), but h2b is keen on starting a family. Some good friends of our had a baby last July and she is a little sweetie so I am finding myself thinking about it more and more! Also would like to be quite a young mum if possible!

  • missbtomrscmissbtomrsc Posts: 215
    Me and H2B havet talked a bit about it think we might start trying after the wedding next year ill be 23 and he'll be 24. but we already know we might have trouble conceiving. sis suggested we started trying straight away cos it might take a while but we want to be married first and it'd be my luck id get cuaght just in time to be due on wedding day. sis was pregnant after getting caught after booking everything and mum spent the the whole day tekking everyone that they had already booked the wedding then she got pregnant it was quite funny actually!
  • alisonmariebalisonmarieb Posts: 1,088
    My h2b & I are hoping to start ttc in the middle of next year - 6-9 months after the wedding. A clairvoyant told me yesterday to not let h2b delay as next year is a good time for us. Fingers crossed it will happen. She then asked if there were twins in the family!!!
  • rosie54rosie54 Posts: 203
    Hi Cyprus Laura,

    Thats the way I am at the moment.

    H2b and I didnt start trying to begin with, first we had a miscarrage and them tried for out daughter which took 11 months but now she is 2 and a half we feel its time to start trying again. We get married this sat 6th June so the sooner the better for us image plus think she would love to have a baby brother or sister.

    Good luck everyone xxx
  • BrummieWifeBrummieWife Posts: 385
    I got told by a clairvoyant a couple of years ago that we would have twins in the future, h2b's mom is a twin and apparently they skip generations- probably just an old wives tale but who knows.. I'm loving this thread- we'll need to keep it going until I look after 1 yr old neice in a couple of weeks - might be totally different to my previous post! :\?
  • xxMrsTxxxxMrsTxx Posts: 467
    h2b and i are already leaving it up to fate and have been for a few weeks lol. getting married in a few days. we're both unbelievably broody and spend most of our time looking after our baby nephew together. never want to give him back lol.

    we decided that even though now isnt the best time, we would probably never be at the perfect time stage, so leaving it up to fate image

    so excited image

    Mrs T xox
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