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How to lose a bridesmaid?

 

Yes i am having regrets, I chose my bridesmaids and asked and they said yes.

I chose my friend as my matron of honour and to be honest Ihaven't seen of her or heard from her in ages.

I sent her details of wedding fairs and she said she will see when she was working and 'oh I'll bring Jo along as well' (Jo is her daughter - recently engaged and getting married August 2018).

I am getting married March 2018.

Well I don't hear anything..... Then I see a post on Facebook from her daughter about her going to wedding fair.  I messaged and said I asked you months ago and I didn't hear anything from you - 'I forgot' was the reply, followed by 'then Jo get us tickets' (no mention of 'would you like to come along?' - nothing, just 'sorry').

Ive been sending her spa packages information hoping that it would give her ideas to sort out hen ideas - nothing.

I've organised one 'thing' for my hen do - Jamies followed by ghost walk and then drinks.  Her reply was 'oh sorry I won't finished work in time but hopefully I'll be able to come to some of the other hen do's'.  Now the hen do is in October!!!  Another thing...... that simple reply she gave has given me the impression she is not going to organise 'anything'.

 

I feel so deflated, there is nothing coming from her for my wedding however I am sitting at home looking at wedding planning, events, fairs etc from Facebook updates for her daughters Wedding.

I can't carry on with this....

Advice and ideas please.

 

Posts

  • Tanya128Tanya128 Posts: 1,993

    I'd be inclined to just ask her if organising her daughters wedding means she finds it's too much to be your moh, that way you're giving her the option to pull out but also opening up the lines of communication to give you the opportunity to say that you need a bit more enthusiasm for your wedding.

  • JdotJJdotJ Posts: 196 New bride

    To be blunt, it's not a bridesmaids job to plan, or help plan your wedding or any part of it unless discussed previously. If you'd chatted about her duties before hand and shes letting you down then fair enough, BUT I do agree with the above post, it sounds to me as though her MOB duties are more important to her than her MOH duties, i'd use this as your get out clause and if you want her to step down, say what Tanya128 suggested

    Jx

     

    p.s I'm not being harsh or mean so please don't think I am, I know I'd be very disappointed too if the same happened, although I have very low expectations in the first place haha

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,441 New bride

    Well I said it, came out with what I thought...said that I was upset and I was suprised by her response - she said she hasn't been a very good friend, she has got a lot going on at the moment and she totally agrees that we should leave the whole 'bridesmaid thing'.

  • JdotJJdotJ Posts: 196 New bride

    I'm so sorry, I hope you're ok about it. How do you feel?

    Jx

  • Badgersbetty wrote (see post):

    Well I said it, came out with what I thought...said that I was upset and I was suprised by her response - she said she hasn't been a very good friend, she has got a lot going on at the moment and she totally agrees that we should leave the whole 'bridesmaid thing'.

    i'm sorry, that's really rubbish but at the same time at least she was up front when confronted about it so you can cut the cord so to speak!

    I would very politely disagree with an above response saying that it is not a bridesmaids responsibility to plan the wedding. I am a bit of a planning/organising nerd but I still want the help of my bridesmaids. I guess it's good to set expectations but basic things like the hen weekend, helping/advising about colour schemes etc., is entirely reasonably.

    Do you have others who can support you? x

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,441 New bride

    fir me it wasn't a case of wanting a bridesmaid (matron of honour) to help plan... But more to support me, to get excited with me .... And it never happened.

    I feel rather shitty about it at the moment, i felt if I didn't say anything hen it was just going to eat me away and make me feel ten tonnes worse.  I think what made it easier was the fact she agreed with me - but that kind of made me think her heart wasn't in it in the first place. 

  • ToxFrost wrote (see post):
    Badgersbetty wrote (see post):

    Well I said it, came out with what I thought...said that I was upset and I was suprised by her response - she said she hasn't been a very good friend, she has got a lot going on at the moment and she totally agrees that we should leave the whole 'bridesmaid thing'.

    i'm sorry, that's really rubbish but at the same time at least she was up front when confronted about it so you can cut the cord so to speak!

    I would very politely disagree with an above response saying that it is not a bridesmaids responsibility to plan the wedding. I am a bit of a planning/organising nerd but I still want the help of my bridesmaids. I guess it's good to set expectations but basic things like the hen weekend, helping/advising about colour schemes etc., is entirely reasonably.

    Do you have others who can support you? x

    It is entirely unreasonable to expect people to do this, if you didn't discuss it with them first. You can't give someone responsibilities that they never agreed too! It is the brides wedding, not the maids. So unless the bridesmaid agreed to help you before you asked them to act in that capacity, it is unreasonable to expect them to do things like pick colour schemes. The wedding is important to the married couple and a lot less important to everyone else.

  • MrsDee7MrsDee7 Posts: 272 New bride
    Rachel343 wrote (see post):
    ToxFrost wrote (see post):
    Badgersbetty wrote (see post):

    Well I said it, came out with what I thought...said that I was upset and I was suprised by her response - she said she hasn't been a very good friend, she has got a lot going on at the moment and she totally agrees that we should leave the whole 'bridesmaid thing'.

    i'm sorry, that's really rubbish but at the same time at least she was up front when confronted about it so you can cut the cord so to speak!

    I would very politely disagree with an above response saying that it is not a bridesmaids responsibility to plan the wedding. I am a bit of a planning/organising nerd but I still want the help of my bridesmaids. I guess it's good to set expectations but basic things like the hen weekend, helping/advising about colour schemes etc., is entirely reasonably.

    Do you have others who can support you? x

    It is entirely unreasonable to expect people to do this, if you didn't discuss it with them first. You can't give someone responsibilities that they never agreed too! It is the brides wedding, not the maids. So unless the bridesmaid agreed to help you before you asked them to act in that capacity, it is unreasonable to expect them to do things like pick colour schemes. The wedding is important to the married couple and a lot less important to everyone else.

    The OP states above that she wasn't "expecting" help, she just wanted some level of support and someone to be excited with her about everything. I don't think that's unreasonable AT ALL. 

  • MrsDee2B wrote (see post):
    Rachel343 wrote (see post):
    ToxFrost wrote (see post):
    Badgersbetty wrote (see post):

    Well I said it, came out with what I thought...said that I was upset and I was suprised by her response - she said she hasn't been a very good friend, she has got a lot going on at the moment and she totally agrees that we should leave the whole 'bridesmaid thing'.

    i'm sorry, that's really rubbish but at the same time at least she was up front when confronted about it so you can cut the cord so to speak!

    I would very politely disagree with an above response saying that it is not a bridesmaids responsibility to plan the wedding. I am a bit of a planning/organising nerd but I still want the help of my bridesmaids. I guess it's good to set expectations but basic things like the hen weekend, helping/advising about colour schemes etc., is entirely reasonably.

    Do you have others who can support you? x

    It is entirely unreasonable to expect people to do this, if you didn't discuss it with them first. You can't give someone responsibilities that they never agreed too! It is the brides wedding, not the maids. So unless the bridesmaid agreed to help you before you asked them to act in that capacity, it is unreasonable to expect them to do things like pick colour schemes. The wedding is important to the married couple and a lot less important to everyone else.

    The OP states above that she wasn't "expecting" help, she just wanted some level of support and someone to be excited with her about everything. I don't think that's unreasonable AT ALL. 

     

  • August18August18 Posts: 247

    i personally would be really upset by this. esp as she is your matron of honor. I think the fact that she has gone to the wedding show and not let you know if she can come with you is the bit that sounds to upset you the most?? which i would feel the same about. do you mind me asking if you responded?

     

    x

  • It sounds like she is in a bit of a predicament. It must be very exciting that her daughter is getting married and I must admit, if I got engaged and arranged to go to a wedding fair for the first time with my Mother, I would probably be a bit disappointed if she brought a mate along who also commanded her bridal attention. And I imagine you felt that way from the other side of things. However, the right thing to do would have been to arrange a separate outing with you.

    I'm glad that she has admitted that she hasn't been there quite enough and I hope that you can both maintain your friendship.

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,441 New bride

    Blimey, wasn't expecting an arguement, lol.

    When I first asked her about the wedding fair she said she would find out if she could make it and then said 'I'll bring my daughter as well'

    Then I heard nothing..... Then I saw on Facebook for all to see that she was going with her daughter.  No mention to me.

     

    I don't expect everyone to get excited about everything to do with the wedding, I'm not a brideszilla (even though youandyourwedding has Labeled me one lol).

    I just wanted her to talk to me about the  'wedding', ideas etc but nothing (and I mean nothing) has ever been mentioned from her Since I asked Her to be my matron of honour.

    I don't expect anyone to drop everything for me.... I suppose to just have a friend that gets excited now and again.

  • I feel for you, I am in the same position and know how upsetting it is.  My tact was to say to the individual your obviously busy, but I didn't realise how much and feel bad that I asked you to take more on, it would be great to see you at the wedding but it has surprised me how much work is involved and I shouldn't have expected you to make time when you have so much on, so no hard feelings etc.

    it seemed to work for me - good luck and don't let it spoil your day.

  • Katherine66Katherine66 Posts: 1,234

    I am absolutely with you on this im having slight problems with my best mate who will be my matron og honour as her husband is walking me diwn the aisle.   Weve been friends about 4 years and work colkeagues but ive found that she wants to plan everything i she feels ive been ignoring her suggestions .  She picked a lovely colour with me for table cloths then i found out the colour aas discontinued , that was a fun conversation.  

     

    We work in a secondary school shes a ta and im an hlta with alot of teaching responsibility and yes i have alot of planning experience i was an office manager and ex assistant.    

     

    I legt her to sort out hen do but everyone wants to go cheap and get drunk and i want posh cocktails and somewhere sophisticated , and now my daughters want a spa day which no one can afford , they are my other bridesmaids!  

     

    Hair and ripping out now!  

     

    So i totally feel for your sad ss and frustration and despjte what we all feel about who organised what in the end these are our best friends and wedding are stressful.   Try not not lose a friend unless of course you dont mind that.  

  • Really feel for you! I agree others aren't likely to get excited about all the small details like we do but I think as a friend they should be generally interested and willing to be a sounding board about things as it's something of importance to you! 

    To go with her daughter and not mention it to you, after you originally suggested it seems very unfair. Although I can see how that would take precedence in her eyes, she should of explained herself and not left you to see it online! is she still coming as a guest? Is there any akwardness? I think I would definitely be put out by the situation if it were me! 

  • MrsJamesMrsJames Posts: 406 New bride

    I really feel for you. I'm having a similar issue with my MOH. Since asking her to be MOH she's only got in touch if it's about her. I ordered some dresses and she point blank refused to try on the 2nd option after I didn't like the first one, which she said was "fine". She's generally been really uninterested and unenthusiastic. Luckily she's just had a baby so I'm going to talk to her about her coming as a guest so she can focus her time on her little boy. 

    I'm lucky enough to have another 2 bridesmaids who are being absolutely fantastic. People say not everyone will be as excited as you about your wedding, and to a certain extent that is true. But on the other hand a real friend will at least pretend to be. I've found the planning quite eye opening as to which friends I can depend on tbh. 

     I hope everything works out for you and that you find a more supportive friend to support you :) 

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,441 New bride

    She's been absolutely fine about it ... Bit too cool if I'm honest, it's almost as if she's glad she has a get out clause. 🙄

    Havent spoken to her properly since but it's no different than when she was my matron of honour!

    I've upgraded my other adult bridesmaid to matron of honour and will have my daughter there as well.. Have decided not to have anyone else, was thinking of asking my brothers little girl and my brother in laws little girl ... But then started a bit of an arguement on another thread because there is an older sister and I was only going to ask the younger one (and people didn't think it was right). 😐

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