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Trying to please everyone

Small wedding, my daughter as bridesmaid and one friend.

 

So my mum asked the dreaded question this morning ...

'what about Maddy?' Referring to my brothers 1 year old.

'urmmm what about Maddy?'

'well isn't she going to Be bridesmaid?'

'mmmmm no, we are trying to keep the wedding small... If we ask Maddy we then have to ask fiancé's brother two girls as well and then it gets big'

mum - 'oh well I would have though you would have asked her.... Ibbi (my daughter) was bridesmaid at their wedding'

 

🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁

 

 

Posts

  • Badgersbetty wrote (see post):

    Small wedding, my daughter as bridesmaid and one friend.

     

    So my mum asked the dreaded question this morning ...

    'what about Maddy?' Referring to my brothers 1 year old.

    'urmmm what about Maddy?'

    'well isn't she going to Be bridesmaid?'

    'mmmmm no, we are trying to keep the wedding small... If we ask Maddy we then have to ask fiancé's brother two girls as well and then it gets big'

    mum - 'oh well I would have though you would have asked her.... Ibbi (my daughter) was bridesmaid at their wedding'

     

    🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁

     I think sticking to your daughter and a friend is the fairest way to do it at 1 years old they wouldn't remember a wedding anyway. 

     

     

  • MrsG2bxxMrsG2bxx Posts: 868

    Oh don't! I've had this as well and my mum actually made me cry about it....she didn't know to be fair as it was all over email and I was at my desk in work! lol!

    You need to stay firm and strong and not feel guilty about your choices! its so much easier said than done but if you give in people expect more and more from you.

    I've had a fair few people try to push the boundaries of our wedding day and unfortunately at the start I did budge on quite a lot as I was trying to please everyone, this has caused a lot of concern and stress on my part as some things are not entirely as we wish.  I drew the line at adding another BM when my mum made her request.  I did however give in yesterday when my dad emailed to ask me if I had considered putting my little brother in a suit to match the ushers etc...he did the whole 'he has been asking if he can wear a special suit on the day and if he can help and be involved at all'....I mean he is 10!! what a way to pull on the heart strings!!

    My h2b wasn't best pleased as I have a strange relationship with my dad.  He hasn't shown one bit of interest in my life since I was about 18, let alone my wedding.  He lives in the next street yet I only see him 3 times a year - Christmas, his birthday and my little brothers birthday, not for want of me trying to see him!

    Its so difficult, and I guess I gave in to my dad not for him but for my little brother (if he has been saying those things then it makes me feel awful to not include him now)

    Bottom line is, be strong, especially if you are having a small wedding as adding more to your bridal party will really bump the expenses up.  People will get over it and no one should make you feel bad for making decisions that suit you on your one special day. xxx

     

  • Rosegold017Rosegold017 Posts: 476

    I feel your pain too! Stick to your guns. They will soon accept it and move on. My Mum did the same and suggested I ask my niece and nephew to be page boy and flower girl. This annoyed me as I had already planned to ask my niece and then I was frustrated that my Mum thought I was only doing it because of her suggestion.

    I equally adore my nephew but I just don't like the concept of page boys... no idea why, I just think brides can end up looking like the Pied Piper with too many children following them down the aisle. And as FutureMrsB pointed out, it doesn't mean that much to them anyway.

  • MrsJamesMrsJames Posts: 406 New bride

    I'd say stick to your guns, weddings are expensive enough as it is. I highly doubt your brother and SIL asked your daugther to be bridesmaid on the understanding that you had their daughter be bridesmaid at your wedding. 

    I have a 6yr old sister, 7yr old and 5yr old god-daughters and I put my foot down and said I was only having my sister as a mini maid, I have had people ask why I'm not including my god-daughters (luckily their mums understand).

    You can't keep everyone happy, plan the wedding you and your H2B want, afterall the day is about you two. 

  • Tanya128Tanya128 Posts: 1,993

    I had the exact same thing only it came from my brother via my mum. I was just going to have my daughter as bridesmaid, firstly because she liked the idea of being the only one and secondly because if I started asking nieces and nephews I'd also have to have my god daughters and I could have ended up with 6 or 7 bridesmaids plus page boys, just thinking about the cost of that made my eyes water! But my brother asked my mum why I hadn't asked his 2 year old daughter to be bridesmaid as he had had my daughter (all be it that my mum had insisted at his wedding even though his fiancee had only wanted her 2 friends and 1 niece, she ended up with 5 extra bridesmaids and 2 page boys she didn't want! they are now divorced and my brother is engaged to his daughters mum so it's not like she isn't going to be a bridesmaid!) plus she refuses to have her picture taken and in general is rather badly behaved he even asked if it was a question of cost!  Well that made me more determined not to have her! Lol anyway I do now have 2 extra bridesmaids my choice in the end as I felt a bit guilty not asking my sister and that meant that I could have my BF too! But I'm standing firm on no more bridesmaids!!

  • Sophie177Sophie177 Posts: 190

    i feel your pain, but as the others have said, stick to your guns!  

    my dear mother pretty much said the same to me 2 days after we got engaged... she expected me to have my 5 neices as bridesmaids/flower girls , despite me not being a bm to either my sister or brother!  i was adamant i wanted my best friend and that was it.  At one point, mother dearest even asked if they could all wear the same dress (after i said they werent bridesmaids!) "yes mother, so long as they know they arent BM's"!!!  

    i held firm, mother relented, and all was well in the end!

    x

  • EpiphanyEpiphany Posts: 718

    Oh Badgersbetty, I feel your pain!  I think you may have mentioned this on another thread, I'm not sure.

    If you are trying to keep your wedding small, I can see that you don't want half of the wedding to be made up of the bridal party where most people there have a 'significant role' and the whole thing feels 'top heavy'.

    Also on a low budget, the last thing you need to factor in is an extra few dresses and suits.  And shoes.  And flowers.  And bridesmaid gifts (if you decide to give those)

    Maybe it was your mum who pushed your brother into having your daughter as a bridesmaid?

    I know little ones are cute, and I'm sure she'd look lovely, but it can snowball horribly and then brides end up with a 'tail' of attendants.  Which is fine and lovely if that is what you want and can afford, but if you don't or can't it really puts a squeeze on.

    :(

     

     

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,441 New bride

    I think my daughter was asked to be bridesmaid at his wedding BECAUSE the brides sister was going to be bridesmaid and then there is her sisters two children.....so if they had her sisters children then maybe they felt they had to have his sisters daughter (my daughter)  in it as well.

     

    I would love to have them however if I ask my brothers little one to be in it... Then I would feel obliged to ask his brothers two girls as well. 

    My fiancés view point is that the wedding is small, the budget is small, it's second time round for both of us and we are not going full on traditional AND it's in a registry office and it will look stupid having a big full on bridal party. He is against it.

    I have mentioned it previously in a thread because before I wasn't sure whether to ask 'the little children'.... But then mums phone call his morning and her asking the dreaded 'isn't your niece going to be a bridesmaid' kind of bought it to light again.

    I was happy this morning because it's a year today that we get married and this 'problem' has ruined the excitement some what. 

  • gill17gill17 Posts: 568 New bride

    I had pressure from my sister about her child being bm, before we even got engaged! I also had lots of 'would it be ok if we put little ones in matching dresses'? I stuck to my guns though and had no BMs at all- even though i was BM for my 3 sisters. Eventually everyone accepted it and got on with things. I made a bit of a thing about it, sent an email out and explained the decision so that kind of headed some awkward conversations off. I think just stick to the 'its a small wedding', I'm sure you understand, big smile. Do not be guilted into changing your mind!

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,441 New bride

    Thank you, my first wedding got railroaded, so I don't want that to happen again.

  • EpiphanyEpiphany Posts: 718

    I agree with your fiance.  What a shame it spoilt your  'year -to-go' day :(

    I think you've got to stick firm on this.  Any sign of dithering, or considering changing your plans will give others a chance to press their case.  I know that is easier said than done though!

  • It's your day about you and your future husband and you both know what you want for your wedding and you shouldn't let anyone dictate to you or make you feel bad.

    I have a half sister and my OH has two nieces and my bridal party are my three closest female friends. I won't budge on that for anyone as it's my decision. In fact the two nieces won't be there as we're having no children. That's what we want though. It's our day, not 'our day but also all our relatives day'. It's selfish, absolutely, but that's kind of the point of it all. I've had friends who have ended up having to make large sacrifices on their part (to the point of them being really stressed and upset) because family force them into doing something and it had a resonating effect on me I think. 

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,441 New bride

    I know it's the right thing 'not asking the nieces' because it will just get big and out of hand.  The brothers haven't yet bought up the 'bridesmaids' situation (but I think that's a bloke thing) - I am wondering if it will come though via the sister in laws though.

    Plus now mum knows the situation...is she going to stir it? (Quite possible)

    Do I intervene first? And say exactly what's happening... Do I ignore it until it comes up?

    Do I suggest in an email we want the girls to have a lovely time and can dress how they like... Superhero, princess, etc etc ?

  • gill17gill17 Posts: 568 New bride

    I decided to tackle it head on and sent an email out stating our decision and explaining why. I have 4 nieces and 3 nephews and I didnt want them getting their hopes up in the meantime about being in wedding party. If you think its going to be an issue then for your own sanity maybe tackle it rather then waiting for it to come up? That way you can feel more in control of the situation? You know your family so do what feels right for you. Good luck!!! X

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,441 New bride

    Thank you x x

  • Mimi8Mimi8 Posts: 316 New bride

    hi Hun, I was MOB 8 weeks ago and I decided from word go that I must ensure ALL decisions were made by the couple as it was their day not mine !  I agree with everyone else , your day ,your way ! Be calm but firm , I really don't think you owe anyone an explanation of your choices, a small wedding would logically mean small bridal party IF that is how you want it x

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,441 New bride

    Thank you for all of your words.  I have decided I am not going out if my way to explain myself.

    My mum has asked and I said exactly what was happening... If other people ask, I will say the same thing.

  • Badgersbetty wrote (see post):

    Small wedding, my daughter as bridesmaid and one friend.

     

    So my mum asked the dreaded question this morning ...

    'what about Maddy?' Referring to my brothers 1 year old.

    'urmmm what about Maddy?'

    'well isn't she going to Be bridesmaid?'

    'mmmmm no, we are trying to keep the wedding small... If we ask Maddy we then have to ask fiancé's brother two girls as well and then it gets big'

    mum - 'oh well I would have though you would have asked her.... Ibbi (my daughter) was bridesmaid at their wedding'

     

    🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁🙁

     

    Stitck to your guns, its your wedding have whoever you want in your bridal party. Just because your daughter was a bridesmaid at their wedding it doesn't mean you have to return the favour.

     

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,441 New bride

    I know, I suppose I just don't like upsetting anyone... But in this case i have got to stick to it.

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,441 New bride

    Well today the inevitable happened.

    I asked my brother if he wanted to be in the wedding and would he rather be a witness or do a reading... He said he would prefer to be a witness as he isn't very good at reading allowed.  

    Then he asked the question I was dreading "what about Maddy?"

    I was dreading it happening and to be honest I didn't think he would just come out with it... After all, it's not something I would do.  I personally would wait to see if my daughter was 'asked' to be a bridesmaid, I wouldnt come out with it and ask if she was going to be a bridesmaid to the bride. Thats just rude.

    Plus, mum already had this chat with me and I wonder if she has fluffed a few feathers here and there.

     

    So today, on my birthday I have had to explain (in a nice tactful way) that I am only having my daughter and a very close friend to be bridesmaid... That if we have Maddy, we would then have to ask the other two nieces and then the wedding gets big. That the wedding isn't a traditional wedding.. No speeches, me and Fiance arriving together and walking down the aisle together, just a sit down meal afterwards... No fuss.

    God I felt shit afterwards (excuse the language).

  • EpiphanyEpiphany Posts: 718

    How did your brother react?

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,441 New bride

    Short and sweet... 

    "It's your wedding sis , you have to do what you want"

    Sent him a thank you for the birthday card he sent and 'no reply' 

     

  • HailsHails Posts: 2,455

    Stick to your guns! I'm sure your brother will understand. It's worth a moment of awkwardness if it means you can have the wedding you want.

  • MrsC2018MrsC2018 Posts: 191 New bride

    I have barely put the engagement ring on my finger and my mam and stepdad are making comments and asking questions about things I've not considered yet. Luckily I can hold my own and stick up for myself so won't be backing down on any decisions that we make that don't suit them.

    Tonight however she has gone on about bridesmaids and how I should ask my sisters two daughters. I already have decided to have my 3 best friends as I think adult bridesmaids are more important and helpful that young ones. Also, I have 3 other nieces and H2B has 2 nieces himself. The difference being that 2 of those are step-family (I treat them all the same) and 1 niece is estranged through family fall out. I know that if we made friends again and she was allowed to see us again (Her mother, brothers ex has banned her) then she would be heartbroken if the other nieces were bridesmaid and not her, it would also hurt my brother. And how could I not have H2B's nieces? 

    I also have two nephews so would they have to be included? I'm not a fan of pageboys either unless a child of the couple or other bridal party

    I just asked my mam to drop the subject as we don't know our budget yet to talk about it. I just think having any of the children is awkward and we certainly can't have them all 

  • Mrs_BadgerMrs_Badger Posts: 1,441 New bride

    Glad I'm not the only one x

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