Money Stress

Hiya,

just need a bit of a vent to be honest. 

so, i suffer with depression. i think i'm ok at the moment (who doesn't have bad days!) but when i'm low before i realise i'm low i shop. i'm currently battling to pay off my credit cards, save for the wedding and live my life!

my oh earns very good money and i earn good money. i'm finding it hard to live our usual lifestyle of going out for dinner and drinks etc and it's getting me down. i know that i need to stop going out so much and so does my oh (and he pays for A LOT so we can still do stuff together) but it's really a strain continually saying "no, i can't afford it" and i feel bad when he says that he'll pay for more stuff. we end up rowing about it when i end up skint again and he says that i should've said no - but it's not that easy when you feel a bit badgered!

we're going on holiday next month with his family and have another trip booked early next year - both before the wedding abroad next june - which is stressful but too late as i'm in that situation now,. i'd told him that i couldn't afford a holiday this year but we were at his parent's and his dad came and got the ipad and we ended up booking a "cheap" get away to spain.....it would've been ridiculously rude to have really kicked up a fuss and said no but in hindsight maybe i should've done. but when the total villa was £600 for 5 of us and the flights were £80each it didn't seem that bad......until there's then the hire car on top at £120 each plus spending money for 10 days.

my job is pretty stressful and i can pick up overtime but i find that when i do my mental health suffers and it's definitely not worth that.

anyway, i know i just need to knuckle down and get through it and it will all be ok. just had a tough day today and needed to get it out!

 

Posts

  • cloudatlascloudatlas Posts: 78

    Have you tried to agree a monthly budget - not just for you but for him too? That might help reduce the pressure for you to spend and for him to pick up the slack? :)

  • TiaMariaTiaMaria Posts: 120

    Yep I would second a monthly budget, just get a pad, excel, whatever works  and allocate all the money that goes on necessities / bills / transport / food, then working what you can comgotta my save each month and I would also allocate some ‘treat funds’ that can be used each month for nice to haves like a lunch with friends, a new lipstick whatever and once that’s gone...it’s gone. I put that in a separate current account and it actually works out just fine. 

    I would also have a look at your monthly outgoings and see if there are any items you can make savings - 

    switch energy suppliers 

    is your mobile phone contract up for renewal? If so there are plenty of good deals, ive recently saved £30 a month! 

    Do you have a gym membership? If so cancel and take up running / home workouts using YouTube etc.

    weekly meal planner - plan all meals and your shopping, doing this you’ll find you don’t spend on crap lol, doing this I’ve saved around £60 a month. 

    Made there any direct debits going out that are actually not necessary and you can cancel? You’d be amazed about the amount of these going through accounts! 

    Once you really look at your outgoings and get a handle on our finances you’ll be amazed at how much better and in control you’ll feel! That way you’ll feel you can confidently say  or no to these treats - if it’s not in the treat account then it doesn’t happen! 

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,855 New bride

    You do need to start saying no. In the last year we've bought a house & booked our wedding so we've had to cut right back. We also pay out £800 per month for childcare for our son. So we had a frank discussion and agreed to cut back on meals out, takeaways, non family holidays (OH has had alot of friends get married in the last few years and we've spent a fortune on stag dos). 

    The key is that you both need to be singing from the same hymnsheet.

    The shopping thing can be solved, just take your credit cards out of your purse and put them away, or cut them up if needs be.

    I have bouts of depression and anxiety so I really feel for you, I think you need to explain to your OH that he needs to advocate for your mental health, and that includes discussing all financial decisions with you in private before making a commitment x

  • MrsL-GMrsL-G Posts: 86 New bride

    When saving for our wedding, it just wasn't possible to maintain our usual lifestyle and I found myself dipping into savings nearly each month. 

    Have you tried keeping a diary of your expenditure? It really highlights the unnecessary purchases. It can also help you set yourself a weekly budget. Try carrying it in cash plus one card for unanticipated essentials. 

    Also, if you can't help buying stuff, can't you just return it later? Obviously not for holidays unfortunately 

  • wifey2bwifey2b Posts: 18 New bride

    Thanks everyone.

    All of our suppliers etc are as low as they can be - it really is just paying back credit cards and then the extra things that we have - people's birthday's, weddings, meals out with friends. 

    I do a budget for mine and our joint finances but asking him to do one and keeping to my budget would be really useful. if he wants to go out and do more then that's fine, he just has to do it without me!

    I don't think i've let on how bad i feel about it all but sent him a message earlier and he said we'll sit down and chat about it tonight which should help.

    nearly all my credit cards are on 0% balances now and i gave my cards to my oh a little while ago to stop me spending on them so that's not really a problem now. i think i will also take the contactless off my phone as it's so easy to spend extra here and there even if you don't have your purse on you!

    one difficulty with my depression has been ordering stuff, meaning to take it back but feeling like it's such an overwhelming task to do it i've then gone past the return date. i have unopened parcels in my wardrobe!! i'll try and sell these on ebay and see if i can get something back for them at least.

    doing a proper weekly shop will definitely help, with food that we actually want to eat rather than the stuff we always get!

    thank you all for your support x

  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,855 New bride

    Maybe it's different as we have a child, but we have separate bank accounts but a joint budget - so OH earns more than me but pays for a higher proportion of bills etc. This means that we have have roughly the same amount of personal spending money each month.

    Also, you do just have to say no to things or modify them - go to cheaper restaurants or cook for friends at your house rather than going out. In our family & friend group now we have all agreed that apart from our mum, we only buy gifts for kids for Xmas and birthdays. Not having to buy for adults has taken away a lot of financial stress, especially at Xmas - and when I suggested it my friends and family literally jumped at the chance to stop doing it :)

    I was in your situation in a previous long term relationship where we had separate finances - my ex earned a lot more than me and got annoyed when I couldn't do things, so I ended up getting into debt to keep up with him which was a big mistake and took me several years to pay off after we split up.

  • Miss90Miss90 Posts: 33

    I really do feel for you, my other half works a lot and I always catch myself sat home bored and I cheer myself up by buying clothes online, feels great at the time and your excited for stuff to arrive. But then you see your bank balance and feel worse!

    You obviously know what the issue is which is great and I think you know yourself you just need to start saying no to things! Using the excuse 'we have the wedding to pay for!' should be reason enough! Everyone cuts back when you're planning a wedding so hopefully people will accept that response and stop putting temptation in your way!

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