Bridesmaid issue... help

We got engaged back in 2016, due to get married last year but bought a house so moved the wedding to this year. At the time my maid of honour was my best friend and we were so close. However over the years we have very much drifted apart as her life went in a new direction. Now we barely speak or see each other unless it’s on her terms and if it’s not she quite openly says it’s too much effort for her to come to me... (even though we work in the same areas soncould easily meet for dinner after work but that never seems to suit her either)
long story short I’m really not comfortable having her as MOH anymore and don’t even want her as a bridesmaid. My hen do is still not organised (I get married this Sept) and she has never been forth coming with ideas or opinions on the wedding. I get everyone is busy and it’s not the focus of her life don’t get me wrong! But is it so bad to want her to say ‘oh saw these flowers the other day what do you think’ or ‘have you thought about xyz for decorations’ just some kind of interest. Even her dress when we saw BM dresses my sister tried on one but she refused. I’ve ask her a couple of times if she still wanted to be involved and she’s always said yes but it never seems like that. 

any ideas on how I approach this or have I left it too late to say anything and should just live with it? 
Thanks x

Posts

  • You don't have to live with it, but i think maybe you just need to take the lead and remove the option for her. 

    If you aren't happy with it, and just don't want her involved, i think you just need to be direct and say " I understand being a MOH can be a big commitment and can take up a lot of time, so to ensure you can have a great time at the wedding without worrying i think its best you just come as a guest. I really appreciate what you have done so far" or something to that effect. 

    Asking her will always give the same result - for whatever reason she says shes happy to carry on as you are, so youre going to need to be the one that makes the move im afraid. Maybe she doesnt see anything wrong with her behaviour, maybe she just really doesnt care, who knows.
  • Beatrice25Beatrice25 Posts: 100 New bride
    Although not everyones going to be interested in your wedding, I know exactly how you feel!

    My best friend was meant to be my bridesmaid and now she's not even coming to my wedding. We got engaged  2 1/2 years ago and she was really keen but since then she's gone back to uni and is living the student lifestyle. It got harder and harder to see her, she forever made up poor excuses to meet for cinema, food, drinks etc. or would cancel last minute, then I would see her somewhere and knew she'd been lying. Even when I saw her in the street it seemed as if she was trying to run away from me!

    I got no reply from my save the dates or invite and for my hen do she ignored my sister the whole time and at the last minute said she was teaching abroad. Day before my hen do I bumped into her and I've never seen someone turn so red, she turned away and tried walking off but I caught up. She used more poor excuses which made it so much more awkward. I haven't seen or spoken to her since. I wish she'd just been honest!

    I tried my absolute hardest with her never mentioned the wedding and she still wanted nothing to do with me. After crying lots to my H2B I realised that shes not a very good friend if she's treating me like that. Sadly you grow apart and like different things I just wish there was more honesty about it and less awkwardness!

    Perhaps just have a sit down and talk it out she might not realise what she's doing or in fact you've just grown apart. Hope it goes okay x


  • ArriettyArrietty Posts: 21 New bride
    I agree, she doesn't seem like she's committed or interested in being involved, so politely tell her that you no longer require her services. You need a bridesmaid/maid of honour who is going to be helpful and supportive. 
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,187 New bride

    Neither of my best friends/bridesmaids have made suggestions or sent me pics of things for the wedding, as they know I'm very single minded, have my vision and know exactly what I want. I don't think that's a reason on it's own.

    If she's just a crap friend and you really don't want her involved the only option is to tell her directly. That will most probably spell the end of the friendship, but it doesn't sound like you are getting much out of it anyway.

  • GinAndBlingGinAndBling Posts: 1,120 New bride
    I wouldn't expect any of my bridesmaids to send me suggestions or pictures. Some of them have, some haven't. It's not their "job". 

    If you've decided to ask her to not be in the wedding you've got to prepare for it to be friendship ending. Have you tried talking to her about stuff other than the wedding, or making it about her? Your wedding isn't going to be as important to her as it is you. That's just the way it is unfortunately.

    In the nicest way possible I think you need to have a think about how important she is as a friend to you, not as a bridesmaid. The wedding will be over come September, do you want the long term effects of having lost a friend because you maybe had unrealistic expectations? 
    Our planning thread: We're completely winging it.

    My weightloss thread: Diet denial! 
  • @GinAndBling - as I mentioned in my post I fully understand my wedding is not of great interest to everyone not that it was her 'job' to do such things, but I feel to be chosen as a maid of honour is something special and it would be nice for that person to show some interest even if it's asking how plans are going. 

    I never bring up the wedding unless she does. I am always the first person to message or call. I didn't even receive a happy birthday this year. She has missed 2 dress appointment because she forgot or made other plans. Again, i fully appreciate life doesn't stop but would appreciate some involvement eventually. 

    I expect if it weren't for the wedding and her role we probably wouldn't be in contact.  

  • You don't have to live with it, but i think maybe you just need to take the lead and remove the option for her. 

    If you aren't happy with it, and just don't want her involved, i think you just need to be direct and say " I understand being a MOH can be a big commitment and can take up a lot of time, so to ensure you can have a great time at the wedding without worrying i think its best you just come as a guest. I really appreciate what you have done so far" or something to that effect. 

    Asking her will always give the same result - for whatever reason she says shes happy to carry on as you are, so youre going to need to be the one that makes the move im afraid. Maybe she doesnt see anything wrong with her behaviour, maybe she just really doesnt care, who knows.
    @CoffeeDogAddict Thank you, your comments were helpful. I'm going to call her tonight and speak with her (she's too busy to meet face-to-face, so a call it will be) I agree perhaps she doesn't think anythings the matter but then perhaps shes struggling and hasn't said anything? Like you said who knows. 
  • Although not everyones going to be interested in your wedding, I know exactly how you feel!

    My best friend was meant to be my bridesmaid and now she's not even coming to my wedding. We got engaged  2 1/2 years ago and she was really keen but since then she's gone back to uni and is living the student lifestyle. It got harder and harder to see her, she forever made up poor excuses to meet for cinema, food, drinks etc. or would cancel last minute, then I would see her somewhere and knew she'd been lying. Even when I saw her in the street it seemed as if she was trying to run away from me!

    I got no reply from my save the dates or invite and for my hen do she ignored my sister the whole time and at the last minute said she was teaching abroad. Day before my hen do I bumped into her and I've never seen someone turn so red, she turned away and tried walking off but I caught up. She used more poor excuses which made it so much more awkward. I haven't seen or spoken to her since. I wish she'd just been honest!

    I tried my absolute hardest with her never mentioned the wedding and she still wanted nothing to do with me. After crying lots to my H2B I realised that shes not a very good friend if she's treating me like that. Sadly you grow apart and like different things I just wish there was more honesty about it and less awkwardness!

    Perhaps just have a sit down and talk it out she might not realise what she's doing or in fact you've just grown apart. Hope it goes okay x


    @Beatrice25 - I won't lie I'm relieved to find someone else who knows how I feel. 

    And your story sounds very similar to mine we met at work, got on really well and became very close. She got new friends and a new job and it's just become harder and harder to see her and again poor excuses/ lack of communication because she's busy with her new friends. (That sounds really bitter and I don't mean it in that way at all! it's just the way it is) 

    I agree like you I think we had just grown apart - it happens. I'm going to call her this evening (couldn't get a face-to-face as shes busy) but I can't keep sitting on all of this. Thank you so much again x
  • Arrietty said:
    I agree, she doesn't seem like she's committed or interested in being involved, so politely tell her that you no longer require her services. You need a bridesmaid/maid of honour who is going to be helpful and supportive.  

    @Arrietty ; - thank you for your reply. That's all i'm really asking for, I want a BM or MOH that i know has got my back and will help me go to the loo in my dress and make sure my hair looks good in photos or has got a tissue when i start crying (as i know i probably will haha) and I don't feel like that at the moment and feel that's not how it should be.

  • MrsCToBee said:

    Neither of my best friends/bridesmaids have made suggestions or sent me pics of things for the wedding, as they know I'm very single minded, have my vision and know exactly what I want. I don't think that's a reason on it's own.

    If she's just a crap friend and you really don't want her involved the only option is to tell her directly. That will most probably spell the end of the friendship, but it doesn't sound like you are getting much out of it anyway.

    @MrsCToBee - That's fair enough but i've always welcomed her ideas and input as were having quite a DIY wedding so I was hoping for that input as i've always said from the start I would welcome. 

    I'm going to call her tonight. I hope it doesn't come to that and she understands where I'm coming from but if that happens it happens. There's not much I can do about it. I don't feel I can try anymore than I already am to be honest. I think she's trying to juggle too much and too many people in all honesty so perhaps she'll welcome it. We shall see.  

  • RubyCatRubyCat Posts: 270 New bride
    Sorry to say this but I think she might be trying to phase you out. Not even a text for your birthday never mind a present or making plans. She cancelled 2 dress appointments as she doesn't want you to buy her a dress because she knows she's not going to wear it.

  • Beatrice25Beatrice25 Posts: 100 New bride
    Hope it all went okay @jjward2019 x
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