Waiting for the proposal

2»

Posts

  • Mrs-17Mrs-17 Posts: 89 New bride
    Your boyfriend sounds pretty sensible from your first post.

    You’ve said in your most recent post that you ‘want to marry him’ whilst also making it clear that you won’t wait until he is ready or your relationship is in the right place. Do you want to marry him? Or do you just want to get married? Marriage changes very little aside from a last name, so I’m not sure why it matters that much, but as it so clearly does... if you’re that keen on marriage, why don’t you just tell him to forget the ring and the proposal and book a small registry office wedding for your closest family and friends? It can be done on a tiny budget and then you’ll be able to
    enjoy your marriage.
  • Hullass1972Hullass1972 Posts: 596 New bride
    My husband and I have known each other many many years, but only got together in 2011 when my relationship broke down. This is my 3rd marriage and I've made so many mistakes so I kinda think I know what I'm talking about. My first marriage was to my childhood sweetheart. I was married at 20 and thought that was it. By 25 I realised it really wasn't and we split up although thankfully we are still good friends. I then married very quickly again 2 years later because I was terrified of being alone. Again, this was a mistake and we broke up and so on and so forth. When me and my best friend decided to make a go of it I rushed head long into the relationship as that's what I'd always done, yet Matt wanted to take it steady. This was his first relationship and he couldn't understand my rush into living together and marriage, I have since gone through a course of counselling and have dealt with the demons that made me that way. I nagged and nagged him for a proposal and eventually he gave in and on NYE 2012 he asked me to marry him. I jumped headlong into planning a wedding and had the plans all set out within days. He walked away in February 2013 because he simply couldn't cope and had only proposed to shut me up. The following 6 weeks were the worst 6 weeks of my life, but he finally decided to give me another go. We moved in together, both moving away from our home towns to meet in the middle, and in the end we were married on the day I'd planned on in the first place which was his 40th birthday in 2015, but the difference was he was ready by then and it was all his idea, not me pushing him into it, and we honestly couldn't be happier.
    The reason for my essay is that I want you to realise that you demanding deadlines is going to end with you being alone, do you really want that?? You are a family already, and I'm sure marriage will come but you BOTH have to be ready or it simply won't work.
  • MrsTraceyMrsTracey Posts: 837 New bride
    I think what people are trying to say is yes it’s fine to want to get married, and even to have an idea of when. You have two options really, do it the ‘traditional’ way and wait for him to propose, and have the big wedding you have in your mind (nothing wrong with that also) but know that it may take years to actually make that a reality and be prepared to wait. Or, propose to him, have a small but intimate wedding in the nearer future. Why not do it low key now and then have a renewal of vows when you’re both properly financially stable? That way you can focus on being a family if getting married is your top priority. 

    Or you could choose the third option and end the relationship. I don’t believe in ultimatums, but from what you’ve said this could turn into a really strained situation and could make for an unhappy relationship.

    Whatever you choose, I would back off for the time being and stop asking him about it. Enjoy each other without the pressure. 
  • @Hullass1972 , not trying to crash this thread, but WOW, it's is strange how much we have in common!  I too married my childhood sweetheart (he was 20 I was 21) and thought it was forever.  We split up when I was 27 and realized I felt more like a friend/ family member to him than a partner/ lover.  I too remarried quickly 2 years later and that was a HUGE mistake.  We divorced after 2 years. THAT relationship learned me, big time. 

    I always felt like with my second husband that I was struggling to "hang onto" him, that marriage would cement us and make him mine.  IT DOESN'T.  I was struggling to "hang onto" him because he didn't really love and didn't want to be there.  He had his moments of commitment, but they were fleeting, and that doesn't make for a happy, long-lasting relationship.  It makes for a constant battle and a living hell.  

    I went into this one, my third, with a completely different attitude.  My attitude was if it's meant to be, it will be.  I will NOT try to force anything to happen.  I cannot make someone love me.  I cannot make someone stay.  And I will NOT try and be a different person for the sake of someone else.  And go figure, I met my OH and he ended up proposing faster than I think I was even ready for it!  

    What's meant to happen will happen. There is no perfect timeframe. Once both people in the relationship feel settled and comfortable, it will happen. I think it's great and completely agree with your OH that getting things like jobs, residence, etc., all settled are absolutely first steps before worrying about a proposal and a wedding.  Once everyday life matters are settled, if both people are still very much in love and in sync with their life goals, getting married will become a natural topic of conversation, not a forced one. 
  • Hullass1972Hullass1972 Posts: 596 New bride
    @Hullass1972 , not trying to crash this thread, but WOW, it's is strange how much we have in common!  I too married my childhood sweetheart (he was 20 I was 21) and thought it was forever.  We split up when I was 27 and realized I felt more like a friend/ family member to him than a partner/ lover.  I too remarried quickly 2 years later and that was a HUGE mistake.  We divorced after 2 years. THAT relationship learned me, big time. 

    I always felt like with my second husband that I was struggling to "hang onto" him, that marriage would cement us and make him mine.  IT DOESN'T.  I was struggling to "hang onto" him because he didn't really love and didn't want to be there.  He had his moments of commitment, but they were fleeting, and that doesn't make for a happy, long-lasting relationship.  It makes for a constant battle and a living hell.  

    I went into this one, my third, with a completely different attitude.  My attitude was if it's meant to be, it will be.  I will NOT try to force anything to happen.  I cannot make someone love me.  I cannot make someone stay.  And I will NOT try and be a different person for the sake of someone else.  And go figure, I met my OH and he ended up proposing faster than I think I was even ready for it!  

    What's meant to happen will happen. There is no perfect timeframe. Once both people in the relationship feel settled and comfortable, it will happen. I think it's great and completely agree with your OH that getting things like jobs, residence, etc., all settled are absolutely first steps before worrying about a proposal and a wedding.  Once everyday life matters are settled, if both people are still very much in love and in sync with their life goals, getting married will become a natural topic of conversation, not a forced one. 
    Totally agree, it took me 2 failed marriages, another failed relationship, and finally Matt walking away for me to take a long hard look at myself and I really didn't like what I saw. Counselling and a few home truths on both sides later and at 46 I'm the happiest I've ever been and am finally happy with my lot. 
    We aren't having a go for the hell of it @Kelly264, we are just giving you the benefit of our experiences and would hate for you to end up alone because of your misguided needs.
  • Definitely trying to save you the same heartaches and wishing all the best for you.  In no way trying to offend. xx
  • Kelly264Kelly264 Posts: 12 New bride
    I’m not willing to wait for another 8 years so how long would you expect me to wait untill I revisit this again with him 
  • There isn't anyone here that's going to suggest a set time limit. Once your life settles down and everyone settles into a happy routine, that's when conversations about things like marriage happen. Once everyone is employed and money isn't an issue, living arrangements are good, kids are well-adjusted and living a regular schedule...things like proposals become top of mind. That could be in 2 months or 2 years. 
  • Kelly264 said:
    I’m not willing to wait for another 8 years so how long would you expect me to wait untill I revisit this again with him 
    As I've said previously, if you truly love him, you'd wait a lifetime for him to be ready. He's never said he doesn't want marriage, he just wants you to be in a comfortable place before that happens and there's nothing at all wrong with that. You need to take a long hard look at yourself and decide if it's your partner you want, or the fancy wedding. If it's the wedding, I suggest you do the lad a favour and let him go and find someone who loves him for himself and not what they want out of him. 
  • I don’t think it’s a case of ‘wait x amount of time then revisit’ though is it?

    Why do you want to be married? What do you think it means to you and your partner and children? As I’ve already said on this thread I don’t agree it’s just a piece of paper that changes nothing, I know why it’s important to me. Why is it important to you? Have you communicated those reasons to him, without deadlines and ultimatums but a ‘this is what I want for our future and this is what I want us to be working towards, are you on board?’ conversation?

    I also don’t agree that a proposal is a one off event that is entirely in the man’s gift to bestow or not as he sees fit. I think it’s about the conversations you have and decisions you make as a couple, and that once you have decided to get married then you’re engaged really aren’t you? You don’t need an expensive ring or wildly romantic ‘surprise’ gesture, I find the idea that the woman has to wait around until the man decides he’s ready to be ludicrous in this day and age, so I’m with you there.

    I’m also baffled by people who are ‘ready’ for the commitment of bringing another human into the world but not ready for marriage, but that’s another story.

    So nobody is saying you are wrong to want marriage or wrong to want to discuss that with your partner, or that you have to wait an arbitrary 8 years or whatever else. We’re saying that in a healthy relationship you have these discussions together, you can say what you want and need and the other person cares enough about you to try to make that happen for you, BUT it also works both ways, and you have to listen to them and to what they need and why they want/don’t want the things you do. And where you don’t agree you work out if there’s a compromise to be made, a way for you both to be happy, or you decide that there isn’t and you part ways.

    How long did I wait? The first time I waited 11 years for a proposal. Turns out it didn’t mean much when it came. This time we’d been together 3 years when we got engaged. It could have happened sooner but we had shit to sort out - we both lost our jobs within a year of each other and needed to focus on finding new ones, so that added about 6 months ‘waiting time’ - not that I saw it like that, it was just life. 

    You can choose to keep waiting resentfully and either finally get your proposal or decide the deadline has passed and end things.

    You can choose to end things now.

    You can choose to talk to your partner about how you’re feeling and what you want to happen, tell him that marriage is really important to you and tell him why, and ask him how he feels about that - does he want to get married? Why? When would he do it in an ideal world? What are some of the things that might stop that happening? How can you work around that - e,g. if money is the obstacle, then you redouble your efforts to find work, look at if/where savings can be made, plan and save for a cheap wedding and forget about expensive rings for now etc etc. 

    You can see if you are on the same page, or any closer to being, after that discussion. If you are, great, take the positives and use them to put a plan together (e.g. we’ll focus on finding a stable job and saving x amount a month for this length of time, and plan to get engaged around that time - or we’ll take engagements and marriage of the table for now and focus on work/house/improving our relationship with the understanding that we will revisit this in a year’s time). If you’re not - you still prioritise marriage and he just doesn’t see it happening, you can make a decision then. 

    All that settimg deadlines and issuing ultimatums achieves is causing everyone to dig their heels in further. Much better to talk and listen to each other, be confident to state what you want clearly but also be open to hearing what your partner is saying. 
  • Kelly264Kelly264 Posts: 12 New bride
    Since the last update we are in a good place he even brought up maybe trying for another baby around Christmas time so the baby and our son are close in age but I’m not ready for another baby yet . Still no proposal yet and from little conversations here and there it ain’t time yet .i had a deadline which was 3 years which is coming up in August .i don’t think I will stick to that but it won’t be much longer after but as for now we are good and everything is going fine I’m still waiting but it is hard as I get annoyed when I see everyone else getting engaged 
  • Williams2BWilliams2B Posts: 72 New bride
    Id been with my partner 7 years when he proposed. We get married this September which will take it to 9 years. I really dont see the rush. It will happen when it happens. Id try relax and enjoy life as a family, what will be will be. 
  • MrsRendall2BMrsRendall2B Posts: 749 New bride
    edited 1 June
    Kelly264 said:
    "for now we are good and everything is going fine I’m still waiting but it is hard as I get annoyed when I see everyone else getting engaged"
    ^^ That right there. I cut your post down to the nitty gritty. To the part that suggests to anyone with some sense that your motivation for getting married is coming more from a place of being jealous about other people's lives than truly wanting to join yours to your partner's. 

    Not "everyone" else is getting engaged, that's just in your head. And even if "everyone" else is getting engaged, what difference does it make? As we've seen and heard here, a proposal, engagement and even wedding isn't necessarily the sign of a great relationship or a lasting commitment. 

    Take it from someone who has felt some of those jealous feelings you're projecting, getting engaged isn't going to change that. It's just going to shift your focus from one subject to another. 

    Here's a story, one which doesn't shine a great light on me but I think you need to hear it. I have a friend who I've always been a little bit jealous of - never maliciously but I always felt like she got everything she wanted and things always just worked out in her favour. She got engaged last year around the time we started planning our wedding so I felt a little intimidated that she would somehow outshine ours. Instead, her and her fiancé had been trying for a baby and have recently given birth to a lovely baby boy. As someone who's always wanted kids and is very much looking forward to having my own, I admit I felt pangs of jealousy when I heard she was expecting (not helped by her comments of "Oh, we're not bothered about getting married before the baby comes -  what's most important is that we're a family") especially as she's not the most maternal person in the world so I was quite surprised that she wanted a baby at this point.

    Anyway, I took a step back and a long hard look in the mirror. I know we're not ready for a baby as there's certain things we'd like to achieve before that (financial stability for one and hopefully our own home) and it just wouldn't work with H2B's job at the moment. So why was I still obsessed with the idea? So much so that I was willing to put the wedding on hold and have a baby first? Because I was trying to reflect or mimic what I saw somebody else doing rather than doing the right thing for me and my fiancé. Ironically, this friend has admitted to feeling jealous when we talk about my wedding plans as she knows that realistically, they won't be able to get married anytime soon. It goes both ways and ultimately, I think people are always looking for 'more' and trying to keep up with other people.

    I guess what I'm trying to say here is that there really is no right or wrong way to go about your life. Want to have a baby and then get married after? Great. Want to focus on the wedding the first and then have a baby? Great. Don't want to get married at all because you know you're committed to someone and a ring and piece of paper won't change that? Great. Want to get engaged after a year because it feels right and you're both ready? Great. Want to be together for a long time before getting engaged because you want to be sure you're both committed and ready before you get married? Great. 

    Just do you.  Stop focussing on what other people are doing in their lives and channel that energy into your own instead. 


  • cluelessbride01cluelessbride01 Posts: 129 New bride
    I honestly don't understand people that are so focused on getting married that they'd end an otherwise happy relationship for the sake of it. Especially being prepared to break up a family for it!

    It seems like cutting off your nose to spite your face to me if everything else is good except the wedding issue. You might not meet anyone else that wants to marry you anyway and still not get the wedding you want!

    I'd been with my fiancé for 14 years before he proposed. I never thought he'd do it and I know he's doing it for me because he's always said marriage isn't important to him and it wouldn't change anything.

    I wouldn't have left him even if he hadn't proposed; I can't imagine even wanting to marry someone else. As long as you love each other that's all that really matters.
  • I was exactly like you- I gave my now fiancé a deadline of 5 years or we were over. I used to constantly nag him about it and make sarcastic comments but then I got to the point where I stopped being bothered about it. I know he was hurt when he wasn’t allowed to visit me in hospital (because he wasn’t classed as family) but he never showed any inclination to do anything about it. 
    We got engaged in October last year, just before our 12 year anniversary. And yet just like you I always said I would finish it if I didn’t have a ring on my finger by X date. Hopefully you’ll get to a point like me where you just stop being bothered by it! 
Sign In or Register to comment.