Planning a wedding in 11 months!

Hello,
So I decided to bite the bullet and just post a new thread. I've never done anything like this before so bear with me. This first post is going to be quite long to get you all up to date!

How we met:
Me and H2B met in 2011-8 years ago. We were on a night out with a group of mutual friends and it turned out we also worked together. He introduced himself to me, we were inseparable all night, woke up the next day and knew I was in love, and as they say the rest is history. Haha if only it was ever that simple. We did spend that entire night together and went on to date for around 3 months. Then he got cold feet and broke up with me. It turns out I'm pretty lovable though and he could not keep away. 2 years down the line and we were back together and he asked me to move in with him. We have since been happier than either of us has been before, living in domesticated bliss!

The Proposal:
So once you've been together a little while friends and family always start asking when you're gonna get married. H2B's answer has always been 'when she proposes' or 'if she likes it, she can put a ring on it'. This was his running theme throughout our relationship.
We planned a holiday to Iceland in February 2019 (just gone) and everyone was asking if I thought this was going to be the one holiday that he proposed on (we go on a lot of holidays so this question was asked all the time). Little did everyone know (I did not tell a soul in case I chickened out!) I was planning on proposing to him!!
I had it all planned in my head, we had booked to go and see the Northern Lights on our first night there. This was going to be my moment, under the lights that we had both been waiting years to see. Then we get an email that the trip was cancelled. Cue my internal screaming that now I needed a new plan!
The next day we had a day to explore, we walked all along the harbour, had some amazing foods (all the local delicacies on offer) followed by some really good cocktails in various bars. I let H2B beat me at Foosball (that's my story and I'm sticking to it) and we just generally had the nicest most fun day out. We were a little tipsy and I was starting to think this was the best time to propose after having the best day.
So we went into a bar recommended by a random local and there was a live singer who was very good. H2B got chatting to him in the smoking area and developed a bit of a man crush, kept saying how much he looked like a guy from Sons of Anarchy and even took a picture of him to send his family. So of course this guy now HAD to be part of our proposal story. So while H2B was outside smoking I chatted to the singer and told him I wanted to propose and asked him to sing to us. I of course had no idea what song I wanted him to sing and then H2B started walking back in...me in a panic said 'anything by Ed Sheeran', knowing we both love him so can't go wrong. Singer then starts singing a song I have literally never heard of (Kiss Me if anyone is interested) which was weird cos I thought I was a hardcore fan. H2B is thrilled as this is one of his old school favourite songs and drags me up to dance and sings along to every word serenading me. End of the song is coming and the singer is giving me crazy eyes to get proposing....I am so super nervous but get down on one knee and pop the question. H2B obviously said yes and then I cried for about 2 hours while the barmen plied us with alcohol....Big celebration night and immense hangover the next day!

So yesterday we put our deposit down on our venue and registrar. I'll post details on that hunt on the next post. This one is long enough so if you've made it this far then you can look forward to my next one.
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  • The Venue Hunt:
    Once we were engaged we continued our holiday in Iceland and had the cutest romance bubble around us. We decided we did not want a long engagement because we were personally in a good place and wanted to have a good fun honeymoon fairly soon. We had already planned to go to Japan at the end of the year/beginning of next year so decided this could be the honeymoon if we could plan our wedding soon enough.
    Once we got home we celebrated with our families and friends separately and the planning commenced.
    We made a guest list and decided around 50 day guests and 70 evening, we did not want it to be huge by any means, we just don't know that many people!
    I am a huge bargain hunter and did not want our wedding to cost a fortune, I am more interested in the honeymoon. Initially we thought we wanted a registry office and then a hall somewhere where we could have a really good party. I didn't think I cared about the food or sit down meal (any of the traditional things). It quickly became clear after some research I really did want all that traditional stuff and wanted to have a sit down meal.
    After more research I realised this was the most expensive way to get married!
    But then some kind of miracle happened....I found the best deals for winter weddings.
    We found 5 venues within our budget (£2000) and narrowed it down to the 2 that suited us the best.
    I could give you a run through of all of this decision making but ultimately we were torn between Moorhill House hotel in the New Forest and The Winchester Royal Hotel in Winchester.
    We went to see both of course. They were both lovely but Winchester just stuck out for us and had the best deal. The Wedding Coordinator there was the loveliest person and could not have done anymore to answer my many many questions. She has been in constant email contact with us without being pushy.

    So we booked our date for 29th February 2020. Yes it's a leap year, we feel that it fitted our story so perfectly with me proposing to him. Also he will have no excuse for forgetting our Anniversary!
  • MrsW2020MrsW2020 Posts: 222 New bride
    What an amazing proposal story! I love that you took charge and called his bluff haha. What was his reaction like, was he surprised? Such a fitting wedding date as well! 

    Look forward to following your thread :blush:
  • Congratulations! I absolutely love Iceland, one of the best places I've been to!

    I wish we could have had a shorter engagement. Ours is 18 months away because I didn't want to rush the planning and we need time to save but for once in my life I've been very decisive and we've arranged everything really quick!
  • MrsW2020 said:
    What an amazing proposal story! I love that you took charge and called his bluff haha. What was his reaction like, was he surprised? Such a fitting wedding date as well! 

    Look forward to following your thread :blush:
    He was pretty surprised! At first he just thought I had fallen over!! haha!
    I had always maintained there was no way I was going to propose. But ultimately I love him and want to marry him, he has anxieties and I knew it would have been a huge thing to ask of him to propose to me. It turns out he did want to propose to me in Iceland but was too worried about how he was going to find out my ring size! He'd then decided he would wait for our next holiday and rope his family into figuring out how to buy a ring that fits. I just beat him to it!

  • Congratulations! I absolutely love Iceland, one of the best places I've been to!

    I wish we could have had a shorter engagement. Ours is 18 months away because I didn't want to rush the planning and we need time to save but for once in my life I've been very decisive and we've arranged everything really quick!
    Thanks!
    Yeah we fell in love with Iceland, obviously because I proposed there, but it is still an amazing city regardless. 

    I think the length of your engagement just has to work for you. It's great that you're so organised, you can now sit back and enjoy being engaged! Plus it gives you loads of time to make sure you have everything you definitely want.

    We still have so many decisions to make and I have no idea how I'm going to do it. My next post will be more around me freaking out about this so enjoy my panic! Haha!
  • The Guest list:
    So we thought the guest list would be one of the easiest parts of the planning. How wrong we were. I'm pretty ruthless when it comes to these kinds of things but I had forgotten all the politics.

    Family:
    Obviously we had all of our family on the list but in that was H2B's brother who has a girlfriend, they got pretty serious pretty quickly, have been dating for less that a year and moved in together almost immediately (that's their choice and they're very happy together, no judgement here). The problem arose when we realised the girlfriend has 4 kids and the brother has 2 kids (6 between them, that is one busy household!). We have no children except our own nephews and nieces coming to our wedding, we have met the 4 kids once and they were just in the next room playing together, we have had no involvement with these kids. We'd already decided we want a small wedding and so have chosen to not invite the 4 kids.
    What do people think about this? Is this an OK thing to do? We haven't sent invites yet obviously so I'm still on the fence but I just really don't want to pay £200 for a load of kids that are nothing to do with us.

    Other Guests:
    Our next problem was that one of my best friends is my brothers ex-wife (yes I know how weird this sounds but I have known her since I was 11, I see her more than I see my brother and she has been with me through every stage of my life). Both her and my brother are happily committed to their new partners, my brother has a new family and they are both settled in their lives. The first thing my brother said to me when I told him we were engaged was 'are you inviting J, because if you do I don't think we will be able to come'. Obviously I want both of them there, one is my brother and the other is the closest thing I have to a sister. We haven't had chance to talk about it properly yet but I don't know how I will decide between them if I have to.
    Any thoughts/advice?

    Work friends:
    So I work in a school for Autistic children, I am in a management position there and this has made choosing who to invite very awkward! There are a few people I work with who I am close to and see outside of work as friends rather than just colleagues. Then there are some people who I cannot stand and do not want to socialise with anywhere!
    My problem arises because I don't want to highlight who my 'favourites' are. As a manager obviously I am meant to be neutral across the staff team.
    Do I just invite everyone to the evening do and hope the ones I don't want to come also feel the same way and just don't come?

    Wow I didn't realise I had such controversy in my guest list! If anyone has had the energy to read all of that please feel free to give some advice!
  • Oh dear, your guest list sounds like a nightmare! I know everyone says 'it's your day, do what you want' but in reality it's never that simple unless being selfish (not meaning this in a nasty way!) comes naturally to you. I know so many people who have fallen out with family over weddings and to me it doesn't seem worth it at all.

    Do you get on well with your brother's partner? I'd probably speak to your brother and find out how upset his partner would be if you don't invite all the children. There's no point overthinking it if they don't mind anyway. 

    The brother's ex situation is a real toughie. I have no idea what I'd do tbh! Your only option really is to broach the subject again with both of them and maybe suggest seating them as far away from each other as possible! It's not actually that hard to avoid people at weddings so I think your brother is being a little harsh. Maybe he'll get over his initial reaction.

    I have the same problem with work colleagues except I'm not management so I could just invite the ones I know well. I've come to the conclusion that the ones I don't want there that I don't really get on with bitch about our other colleagues regardless so I don't really care what they think, and the ones I don't know well probably won't care.

    Generally I'm using the rule that I'll invite those that come on work nights out and the others wouldn't come anyway so I won't bother.
  • cluelessbride01 I am definitely overthinking the 'inviting the kids' situation! I honestly don't think they will mind but before I have any conversations with them I just wanted to make sure I wasn't committing any bride crimes by not wanting to invite them! You just never know how people are going to react!

    My brother I'm going to have to have a face to face conversation with but I am going to put it off for as long as possible cos I'm a massive wimp and hate confrontation! Haha!
  • Tell me about it, some people make you feel like the wicked witch of the west over some choices. I can't understand the drama over weddings.

    Not inviting children always divides people. One of my friends said she prefers to leave her son at home because you can't relax with a small child and one of my colleagues said she'd refuse to go to a wedding without her daughter.

    Another one of my colleagues was horrified last year because my OH went to a work wedding without me as there was no plus one. I'd never even met the couple so I didn't care but she said she thought it was really rude.

    You'll never please everyone!
  • abiscottabiscott Posts: 70 New bride
    Hey!
    What a fab proposal story, well done you :)

    We went to Iceland this January, what a spectacular place to have as one of your 'special places' forever.  Did you get to see the Northern lights in the end? We didn't, and nor has anyone else I know who has been  :#:neutral:

    Anyway, regarding the guest list, if it were me I would not choose between your brother and your friend, I would invite both, explaining to each of them why they are both important to you.  I'm sure they will both want to support you on the day, and as @cluelessbride01 says, you can easily avoid a person at a wedding if needs be.

    I'm looking forward to reading more!
  • @abiscott Iceland was amazing, but no we also did not get to see the Northern Lights. After our tour got cancelled every night they finally took us out to 'hunt them' on our last night and we all just stood in the cold dark middle of nowhere waiting for 2 hours. According to the tour guide everything that we needed for them to be visible was present but they just didn't appear. So we were there for 5 days and they were not visible in that time. Feels like some kind of conspiracy!  :D

    I've been very hungover today (getting too old for this partying lifestyle) and so I spent the whole day in my pjs, eating junk food and looking at all things wedding online. 
    H2B made us a spreadsheet to put all of our ideas on and it's looking quite full now. Lots of ideas and when H2B can actually keep himself upright (also very hungover) I'll share it all with him and we can narrow down some decisions.
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    Lovely proposal story!
    I don't think you need to 'choose' between your brother and bestie personally  - just send the invite to them both and it's up to them to make their decision whether to attend or not. I think your brother is being silly - I never understand why people remain so bitter if they have moved on with their lives and are happy with someone else.
    2 of my siblings have a BIG problem with each other, my mum and stepmum have a big problem with each other, and my other brother has a problem with me inviting our step siblings! I made it CRYSTAL clear at the start that this is OUR wedding, we are inviting the people who are important to US, and that we expect everyone to just politely ignore each other if they can't be civil. If anyone so much as looks at someone else the wrong way they will be asked to leave. End of.
  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,274 New bride
    What a lovely story!! Such a cute proposal and really love the date you've picked! 
    Its so hard with family [politics but they're both adults, and they need to respect your relationship with each of them enough to understand you cant pick. I know there's no easy way of handling it, so fingers crossed for you! 
  • Sorry I've not posted in a while, I had the dreaded cold/flu and just getting through my daily life was hard work! I work in a school so now I'm on Easter holidays! Yay! :smile:
    I'd like to say that we are going to dedicate some time to wedding planning but what we've actually decided to do was take H2B's sister on holiday (she's 17 and its something he has wanted to do for years because he promised her when she was little). It's very cute but I'm not going to lie, I'm not sure it's ideal when we should be planning a wedding! So on Wednesday we are off to Mallorca for a week. We did get a really cheap deal so hopefully a week all inclusive in the sunshine will mean we come back ready to get things planned.
    So far...all we have actually sorted is the venue and registrar, I guess that is the biggest things so we can actually get married!
    So my question is...what did everyone prioritise? What should be our next big thing with just under 11 months to go?

    I've found loads of little table decoration bits and bobs but not yet bought anything because I'm worried about it looking too tacky. I'll post some pics once I've put a proper list together and then I can get everyone's opinions.

    I cannot decide on a wedding colour, this is actually causing me stress because I can't decide on other bits without a colour. H2B doesn't want to tell me about his suit, does it matter if he is a completely different colour to everything else we are planning? 

    So that's where we are currently at. How's everyone else doing?
  • MrsW2020MrsW2020 Posts: 222 New bride
    A week in Mallorca sounds lovely, have a good time!

    Once we had our venue booked the next thing we sorted was a photographer, so perhaps start looking at that next? If you want a videographer too that might be worth looking into now as well.

    Pinterest is good for finding colour scheme ideas but it can be a bit overwhelming because every possible colour combination seems to be on there! Are you having bridesmaids? You could have a look at bridesmaid dresses online and see if any particular colours really stand out? I don't think it's the end of the world if H2B doesn't match exactly! If you're worried about it you could give him an idea of your colour scheme and ask him to make sure he doesn't pick something that clashes horrendously, or ask him to pick a tie that matches your bridesmaid colours.


  • Decisions made so far:
    We are having a travel themed wedding.
    The picture shows luggage tags which we will use instead of place name cards, they are aluminium.
    The tiny suitcases are so cute but unsure what I want to do with them yet, they will either just be decoration or we will fill them with sweets/table confetti.
    The little bottles will be our favours, H2Bs brother makes his own flavours of Vodka, Gin, Brandy etc so he is going to make us different alcohol and flavours depending on what we want. 
    The table names will be different countries that we have visited together, we've narrowed it down to the different designs in the picture but our favourite is the middle one that says Iceland (typically it's the most expensive so we will probably design one ourselves).
    Our center pieces will hopefully be water balls in light blue/turquoise in the bottle/bowl with lights going through and our table names on top.
    I can't decide if this would look better on mirror plates?

    What does everyone think? Is this enough decoration for a large round table?
    We will be having a sit down meal so there will obviously be plates and cutlery etc, I don't want it to look too busy/cluttered. We will also be having some 'Happy couple advice cards' for guests to fill out, a sheet of photo challenges for guests to have a bit of fun with and maybe some kind of quiz/talking points as H2Bs family love a quiz!

    Anyone else got any other travel theme decoration advice?
  • We're having a travel theme for table names too. We've got a few weddings this year so I'm hoping none of the others do it first! There's loads of nice ideas on Pinterest and you can get ideas on Etsy too. 

    Those table names would be so easy to make on Canva. You have to pay $1 for the map silhouettes but everything else is free!
  • I would 100% start looking at photographers/videographers! We booked ours a year or so out and the videographer was doing an offer that was too good to pass up! It gets booked pretty quickly so I’d definitely look into it.

    have you tried on dresses yet? That was next on the list! And it (can be) fun if it’s nice and relaxed! 
  • MrsRendall2BMrsRendall2B Posts: 749 New bride
    edited 7 April
    Have a lovely time in Mallorca! :) 

    As for the centrepieces, looks like you've got enough in mind but the best way to tell is either to compare to pictures of centrepieces from other weddings at the venue or, if you can, do a mock up on one of the venue's tables or one of a similar size.

    In terms of what to prioritise doing, I'd recommend the following:

    - Photographer and videographer (if you're having one) as these can get booked up pretty quickly, especially on weekend and special dates such as yours.
    - Dress - these can take anywhere from 3-6 months if ordering in and you need to leave plenty of time for alterations.
    - Florist - again, these can get booked up pretty quickly.
    - BM dresses (if you're having any) - you don't necessarily need to buy these just yet but get ideas together of what you'd like and set your budget so you're ready to go when the time comes.
    - Venue dresser (if you're having one) - mostly because it can end up being one of the bigger expenses so the sooner you have an idea of the cost, the better. :)

    As for decorative bits and bobs, it's so easy to get carried away with wanting to do those straight away as there's so many lovely things out there but I made the same mistake and then changed my mind several times over the course of planning so have left most of it until now (I've just over 4 months to go)
  • MrsRendall2BMrsRendall2B Posts: 749 New bride
    P.S I also prefer the 'Iceland' style table names. As someone else mentioned, you could knock these up on Canva and get them printed yourselves for much less :)
  • So it occurred to me I never shared a picture of the engagement ring I chose! It is aquamarine in the middle with diamonds along the edges. We spent an hour looking at rings, me getting more and more confused and unable to pick, only for my H2B to turn around and say 'I get the feeling you don't like big diamonds, why don't you look at other stones' which was what I needed to hear and allowed me to settle on this one after another hour of shopping.
    Here it is!
    (Sorry its so big, I have no idea how to make pics an appropriate size!  :D )


  • CoffeeDogAddictCoffeeDogAddict Posts: 1,274 New bride
    Aw thats beautiful!!
  • @cluelessbride01 We are the first wedding of the year, we have 3 to go to, so hoping we get all the best bits and everyone else will want to copy us! Haha! But to be honest in all the weddings next year we have no mutual friends so if there are similarities it shouldn't affect anyone in that way. I would hate for other brides to be attending mine and panicking because something is the same. 
    What travel theme bits have you decided on?

    @MrsRendall2B that's exactly what we thought so we have ordered one of each thing so we can make a mock table up, just waiting for it all to be delivered. 
    Haha I bet it would be easy to get lost in decorations! I'm quite decisive though and want to make the decisions I know something about so it can be ticked off and I can stop thinking about it.
    @Blondiebride2019 I'm hopefully going to go dress shopping next week when we come back from holiday, gotta wait for my mum to be available as well otherwise I'll be going by myself!  

    So....photographer.....I know this is going to cause controversy but.........we aren't having one.........(pausing to let that settle in).
    H2Bs sister is a photography student and has a really good camera and so we're just going to use her camera. She will take the majority of the pictures and any that we want her in she can pass the camera on to someone else. 
    H2Bs cousin is also a professional photo editor so any pictures that we want 'touched up'  or printed we can pass on to her to do.
    Our reason for this is that we just don't want to spend all that money on something we are comfortable doing ourselves. We aren't really photo people and I always rely on other people to document my life (all my friends are always moaning that I don't take enough photos) so we've just decided we would rather put that money into the honeymoon.
  • I don't mind if bits are the same but I really don't want a cookie cutter wedding and literally everything I like I've found on Pinterest so everyone else will probably do the same! I wanted a pallet with the order of the day on but my friend told me she's doing it the other day so I've scrapped that now!

    We're also having place names for tables and our invitations are maps. I've got some map print letters of our names and I'm going to get some map print bunting for the top table.

    We've got a globe to write on instead of a guest book and a photobooth with landmark backgrounds and I've found some cute map print confetti cones!


  • @cluelessbride01 Luckily I have so far stayed away from Pinterest, I'm not usually an online type of person (my H2B found it hilarious that I had my own thread on this site) so have just been using google to get ideas. I know if I research too deep I will be lost forever and never come out! Haha!
    Aw all of your little map ideas sound lovely! We thought about having a globe as a guestbook (and if H2B gets his way we still will) but I don't know where I will put it afterwards?! 
  • We don't have anywhere to put it either if I'm honest, I'lI have to make room in our study/junk room.

    It was either that or some sort of framed guest book but we don't have anywhere to put any more pictures either. I didn't want a book that just ends up in the loft.

    It's actually a beautiful globe, it's too nice to write on really. I got it cheap on eBay second hand too!
  • Hi Everyone,
    So after a lovely, sunny week away in Mallorca (Magaluf) we are back to earth with a bump.
    Guest list has become an absolute nightmare. Sorry this is going to be a bit of a long one but I have big decisions to make and its going to require some advice from you lovely lot. 
    So I have briefly mentioned before but I'll go over it again to keep everything clear.
    My brother (A) was married to J, they got together when they were 15 and were together 13ish years. I've known her since I was 11, since they split up I still see her regularly, more than my brother and most of my family, she is a big part of my life, we don't live near each other but I see her every couple of months and we text weekly. 
    When they split up I stayed neutral and let them both know I was not going to get involved in the drama. The reason they split up is because my brother said he didn't love her anymore, he did then continue to mess her around and cheat on her and give her false hope, I told him all along he was being unfair but it was his choice what he did. They then argued over their divorce but mostly over who was going to pay for it. A then got a new girlfriend (V) who he progressed pretty quickly with and got her pregnant, this really spurred A on to get a divorce because V wasn't happy he was married. This all then went ahead and it was done and dusted but A lied to V and told her it was done sooner than it actually was.
    This was all over and done with about 3 years ago (they've been split up for about 5 years) and they have barely spoken in this time. Neither of them talk about the other to me and they both have new lives with their new partners. J has just moved in with her boyfriend and A and V are a happy little family.
    So the first thing A said to me when I told him I was engaged was 'is J coming, because if she does I don't think I will'. I told him I wasn't talking about it at the time as no arrangements were even made and we would talk about it properly once we had set a date. 
    Since being engaged I have met up with J to celebrate, she was so happy and excited for us and would do whatever was needed to make sure we have a good day, she knows my family will have some drama and she wanted to make it as easy as possible for us. I'm not having any adult bridesmaids and she said she wanted to organise my hen do and make our table plan for us and be part of the celebrations.
    Last week he then messaged again to say he wouldn't be coming because he had messaged J and she had said she would be coming if I wanted her to and nothing A could say would stop her.
    I told A that it was really important for me that they both came and I didn't understand why for a few hours he couldn't sit in the same room as her. A explained V was not happy about it and neither of them wanted J to see his son or be part of his life. As far as A is concerned this is a family wedding and J has no right to be there as she is not part of our family. I explained how she is a huge part of my life and I would feel horrendous not inviting her. A then went on to say if she means more to me than him then I have to do what makes me happiest and invite her, he would stay away. I asked if there was anything I could do to have them both there, even if it means only A and J come, no partners or kids, but A just said no, only if J doesn't come.
    I just don't know how I am meant to choose?
    Sorry for the long post but I need help!
    In my next post I'm going to be adding even more confusion to the guest list drama so please bare with me!
  • So I spoke to my parents the other week and was talking to my mum about going wedding dress shopping. My dad in the background was asking who would be coming and I said I'm not sure but not you, you don't get to see the dress until the day. To which my dad replied, 'well I won't be there'. This obviously shocked and upset me but I tried to keep cool and just asked why.
    Now this is where it get complicated though so here's some background information:
    About 12 years ago my dad had a huge falling out with my brother (L) and they haven't spoken since, L has 3 kids and has had a rocky relationship with all of my family over the years but we have made up every time, (I think L has un-diagnosed mental health issues) because he has my nephews and nieces I try my best to keep the peace to be part of their lives, he did at one point have a huge falling out with me and no matter what I did he wouldn't talk to me and kept the kids from me for about 4 years. We have since made up and I tread more carefully than ever around him and his wife basically hates me and does not say a word to me when we meet up.
    So there's the background (key details). So my dad has said he won't come because of L, I knew this was coming so had already decided if I had to choose between them then I would choose my dad, I told my dad this and he said he still isn't coming. I again asked why and he said people would be talking and would know L isn't there because of him and it would cause gossip, I explained the wedding was tiny and no one would question who's there and why because all of the people there don't know my family situation. My dad then just said there would be too many arguments on the day and he didn't want to be around any of it so wouldn't be coming.
    My dad has always struggled with family events and keeps us all at arms length but I honestly thought he would deal with it for 20 mins to walk me down the aisle. I even said he didn't have to stay, he could just give me away and leave but he won't do it.
    What would you all do? Bearing in mind if I accept that he isn't coming and leave him to it then I can invite L and have his family there, have his daughter as my bridesmaid which means the world to me and just try and enjoy the day. Or will I regret not trying everything to have my dad there?

    As you'll have seen if you've made it through my 2 posts I am under a lot of stress and just don't know what to do!?
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    Hi Everyone,
    So after a lovely, sunny week away in Mallorca (Magaluf) we are back to earth with a bump.
    Guest list has become an absolute nightmare. Sorry this is going to be a bit of a long one but I have big decisions to make and its going to require some advice from you lovely lot. 
    So I have briefly mentioned before but I'll go over it again to keep everything clear.
    My brother (A) was married to J, they got together when they were 15 and were together 13ish years. I've known her since I was 11, since they split up I still see her regularly, more than my brother and most of my family, she is a big part of my life, we don't live near each other but I see her every couple of months and we text weekly. 
    When they split up I stayed neutral and let them both know I was not going to get involved in the drama. The reason they split up is because my brother said he didn't love her anymore, he did then continue to mess her around and cheat on her and give her false hope, I told him all along he was being unfair but it was his choice what he did. They then argued over their divorce but mostly over who was going to pay for it. A then got a new girlfriend (V) who he progressed pretty quickly with and got her pregnant, this really spurred A on to get a divorce because V wasn't happy he was married. This all then went ahead and it was done and dusted but A lied to V and told her it was done sooner than it actually was.
    This was all over and done with about 3 years ago (they've been split up for about 5 years) and they have barely spoken in this time. Neither of them talk about the other to me and they both have new lives with their new partners. J has just moved in with her boyfriend and A and V are a happy little family.
    So the first thing A said to me when I told him I was engaged was 'is J coming, because if she does I don't think I will'. I told him I wasn't talking about it at the time as no arrangements were even made and we would talk about it properly once we had set a date. 
    Since being engaged I have met up with J to celebrate, she was so happy and excited for us and would do whatever was needed to make sure we have a good day, she knows my family will have some drama and she wanted to make it as easy as possible for us. I'm not having any adult bridesmaids and she said she wanted to organise my hen do and make our table plan for us and be part of the celebrations.
    Last week he then messaged again to say he wouldn't be coming because he had messaged J and she had said she would be coming if I wanted her to and nothing A could say would stop her.
    I told A that it was really important for me that they both came and I didn't understand why for a few hours he couldn't sit in the same room as her. A explained V was not happy about it and neither of them wanted J to see his son or be part of his life. As far as A is concerned this is a family wedding and J has no right to be there as she is not part of our family. I explained how she is a huge part of my life and I would feel horrendous not inviting her. A then went on to say if she means more to me than him then I have to do what makes me happiest and invite her, he would stay away. I asked if there was anything I could do to have them both there, even if it means only A and J come, no partners or kids, but A just said no, only if J doesn't come.
    I just don't know how I am meant to choose?
    Sorry for the long post but I need help!
    In my next post I'm going to be adding even more confusion to the guest list drama so please bare with me!
    I think I said this before, but you don',t need to 'choose'. Send an invite to both, if your brother chooses to decline then that's entirely his choice. It's he who has to make a decision,  not you. I personally wouldn't be held to ransom by anyone, I've got people coming to my wedding who have big issues with each other, they can all either be polite/politely ignore each other  or leave - their choice, I refuse to get involved.
  • MrsCToBeeMrsCToBee Posts: 2,942 New bride
    So I spoke to my parents the other week and was talking to my mum about going wedding dress shopping. My dad in the background was asking who would be coming and I said I'm not sure but not you, you don't get to see the dress until the day. To which my dad replied, 'well I won't be there'. This obviously shocked and upset me but I tried to keep cool and just asked why.
    Now this is where it get complicated though so here's some background information:
    About 12 years ago my dad had a huge falling out with my brother (L) and they haven't spoken since, L has 3 kids and has had a rocky relationship with all of my family over the years but we have made up every time, (I think L has un-diagnosed mental health issues) because he has my nephews and nieces I try my best to keep the peace to be part of their lives, he did at one point have a huge falling out with me and no matter what I did he wouldn't talk to me and kept the kids from me for about 4 years. We have since made up and I tread more carefully than ever around him and his wife basically hates me and does not say a word to me when we meet up.
    So there's the background (key details). So my dad has said he won't come because of L, I knew this was coming so had already decided if I had to choose between them then I would choose my dad, I told my dad this and he said he still isn't coming. I again asked why and he said people would be talking and would know L isn't there because of him and it would cause gossip, I explained the wedding was tiny and no one would question who's there and why because all of the people there don't know my family situation. My dad then just said there would be too many arguments on the day and he didn't want to be around any of it so wouldn't be coming.
    My dad has always struggled with family events and keeps us all at arms length but I honestly thought he would deal with it for 20 mins to walk me down the aisle. I even said he didn't have to stay, he could just give me away and leave but he won't do it.
    What would you all do? Bearing in mind if I accept that he isn't coming and leave him to it then I can invite L and have his family there, have his daughter as my bridesmaid which means the world to me and just try and enjoy the day. Or will I regret not trying everything to have my dad there?

    As you'll have seen if you've made it through my 2 posts I am under a lot of stress and just don't know what to do!?
    Sorry replied to the first post before I'd read the second.
    Your family are all very selfish and self involved, aren't they? I genuinely think if I were you I'd just elope. But same advice as my last post really - send everyone an invite, it's up to them if they choose to accept it.

    Sadly what wedding planning has taught me is that you can't control other people's behaviour, only your own reaction to it x
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