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Other Motherless brides? feeling alone


My mother died many years ago (12years) and I am no youngster and yet finding that there are times when I really miss her and feel overwhelmed by all the planning, ideas, decisions falling on me. H2B is a gorgeous functional man who supports in many ways but finds it difficult to help me with the planning as he is of the "that will do" school! I am sure there are other brides out there who are missing this special time to connect with thier mothers. I think it might just help to share this and here from some others out there... 45 days to a loss re wedding party colours flowers...moaning bit too much


  • my mum passed away in april, and i get married in december. a few months before she died she helped me pick my dress (she died suddenly though, so it wasnt planned like that) but i feel so alone without her involved in my planning. she will always be watching over me though, and i know she will be there on the day
  • gookguigookgui Posts: 511
    Hi Kirkmeister...

    I lost my Mum 5 & 1/2 years ago, I'm 31 and missing her sooo much. Mum was my best friend, and the person I always turned to for advice and girlie chats.

    I feel a little 'at sea' at the moment, we're only just getting wedding plans sorted, and the wedding isn't until 2010, but she's not here for all the lovely fun Mum & Daughter stuff... so I know exactly what you mean. H2B is fab, but he obviously can't be involved with everything (Dress etc...).

    Don't worry about moaning too much... if you can't do it on here, then where can you do it!!! image


    V xx
  • My mum died 4 years ago, it was sudden and unexpected. I have always mised her, but find since starting to organise our wedding, I'm thinking of her and missing her even more. Every choice I make and ever decision I make, I think, my mum should be here with me. I'm starting to wonder how I'll get through the day without geting emotional and i still have 269 days left. Its hard but I know she'd just tell me that everything I pick is perfect and to be true to myself, which is exactly what I a doing.
  • Thank you so much for replying

    It helped me to shed a tear (needed to).

    There are others in our lives who can and will support us. I was particularly close to my mum (I am 37) she was like a best mate in many ways and I was totally lost when she died. I really miss doing the mother-daughter stuff and having someone who would probably be free to and prioritise being available to help . Although, I also know that I cant have totally rose-tinted specs as she would have had our disagreements and stressy times too!

    take care

    thinking of you guys too

  • Hi Girls

    My mum died 20 years ago this November - she was only 28 when she died - I was only 8. Although I miss my mum dearly, I am very lucky that my dad has a wonderful girlfried who has been with for 11 years now. Even though she has 3 kids of her own and more to the point a daughter who will perhaps get married herself one day, she is doing all the "Mum" things with me! She has helped me pick my dress etc and although I miss my mum and wish she could be here so badly - "stepmum" is doing a bloody good job of supporting me through the emotional rollercoaster that is planning my wedding!!!

  • HI, i lost my mum just under 2 years ago, im 29 and although this is my 2nd marriage im missing mum like mad, i keep finding myself thinking i wonder what mum would think to this or if she'd like that?? I could really do with her help and advice sometimes and although i moaned constantly that she took over with the planning of my first wedding Id give anything to have her here to do the same now, but have to remember that im lucky enough to have other close members of family around me but its still not the same. Think thats why i spend so much of my time on here getting ideas etc image

  • I'm 31 and mum passed 3 years and 4 months ago.

    The void she left is huge, and like everyone else who lost a beloved mum, at this time of wedding planning the void seems a bit bigger.

    I miss her so much, I know she would have been driving me nuts if she was around and my Dad would be considerably poorer lol

    I think no-one can understand your problem unless they're going through it to. I knew it would be hard planning a wedding without her around but wouldn't have guessed it would be that hard. 31 days to go.

    My mums name is Carole xxx
  • tuppenceuktuppenceuk Posts: 5,346
    My mam isn't around either (she's still alive, but I don't see her - haven't in 17 years). I considered inviting her, even tracked her down through the net, but decided that old wounds haven't healed enough yet.

    But I was brought up by my Nana, who I always feel was more like my mother than grandmother, and the one I was close to. I miss her lots. I so wish she could be there, but she died 16 years ago. She never knew h2b, which is sad, because she'd have loved him as much as I do.

    I think the worst part of it (apart from the day) will be when I make the cakes, because she was a cook. And when I make my dress, because she taught me to sew.

    My Dad's not around either - he died 20 years ago this November (spooky coincidence) - the anniversary is 8 days before the wedding. I'm going up to visit his grave on the day, but that will be very hard.

    It's a bit hard on h2b, because with no family, he has to be my support network for the wedding really. Fortunately I'm lucky and he doesn't mind choosing favour boxes with me!
  • TABSukTABSuk Posts: 1,479
    I lost my Mum in November last year so I understand how hard it is for everone in this situation.

    Luckily she was involved in the important things like choosing my dress etc, but she never made it to our wedding which was in June this year.

    I am 30 now and lost my Dad when I was 20 and that made it even harder. Although I have wonderful and supportive friends, hubby, sometimes only your Mum will do.

    Please don't feel like you are 'moaning', it's a really hard time, but I am sure she will be looking down watching you and you will have an amazing day.

    Come on here to 'moan' as often as you like!

  • Gosh Ladies, I am getting all teary eyed reading your posts.

    Having a bad day so far, so probably shouldn't have started reading these posts as I get a bit emotional.

    My mom died when I was 11, 14 years ago now. I miss her so much and think about her everyday. I know she is with me in spirit but would give anything for a hug from her....

    Really been missing her even more lately with the wedding plans...

    Luckily I have a very supportive H2b and MIL2b who has been like a mum to me in the 7 years I have known her, helping with the dress shopping and general married life advice. She has been wonderful but its not the same as having the real thing.

    I know I will be an emotional wreck on the day, especially as soon as I see my brother, we are very close. I was very emotional at my brothers wedding because mom wasn't there either...

    Feeling really sad today image

    Big hugs to all you ladies.

  • Hugs to Mrs T.E 2b, hope you feel a bit better soon, if you need to have a good cry i find it helps me (but i do tend to wait until i have the house to myself) and have a chat with your mum, sounds mad but i find it helps me when im feeling i have a good moan out loud and know mums listening somewhere. xxx
  • Hey dragtalav,

    Thanks, i do talk to her often and a good cry is the best way to release the built up tension. I am at work at the moment so need to try keep it together....

    breathe in..... breathe out......

  • Ive forgotten what work is lol justwhen i thought it was safe to venture back as my youngest started school on monday i found out im 14 weeks pregnant again so going to be a huge bride grrrr. Whens your wedding date? is it soon, ours is 27th Dec so all systems go at the min which is why i seem to be sat at the pc all the while looking at stuff i dont need. I hope you feel better soon, its horrible having to this without our mums xxx
  • ah congratulations!

    Our wedding is only May 2009, so still a while to go.

    Just been messenging my brother, probably not the best idea as it had me crying at my desk...oops!

    But feeling better and will probably have another cry this evening when I get home and have a chat with H2b.

    Thanks for your replies, its nice to chat to other ladies in the same situation.

  • MangalitzaMangalitza Posts: 5,871
    my mum died 19 years ago, when i was 17. as she was really ill with cancer for 5 years before that i never got the chance to know her as an adult. since i've been engaged i've been thinking about my mum alot but she seems so far away in my mind now, if that makes any sense. i'm lucky enough to have my step mum but she's more like a big sister. i know that when my dad gives his speech he will mention my mum and even thinking about that now makes me want to cry. i just hope i don't break down and weep like a baby! not really appropriate at a wedding.... even after all these years the sadness is very strong. you just learn to cope with it, though, don't you?

    anyway, you're not alone. think how lucky we are to have found wonderful men with whom we can build our own families?


    [Modified by: luckyvic on September 10, 2008 01:35 PM]

  • hi - im 30 and my mum passed away very suddenly when I was 17. I totally know how you feel. Its funny because I thought that the pain of losing my mum was easing as I got older, but since we started planning the wedding it brought it all back and I keep thinking about what it would have been like if she was there. My dad remarried about 5 years ago and although my stepmother is nice I dont really think of her in a maternal way as I had already left home when they got toegther and she doesnt have kids of her own (so is not really that way inclined). I know she want to be seen as "mother of the bride" and keeps going on about which mother of the bride outfit she will buy but I kind of resent that. I know thats a bit mean but my mum will always be the mother of the bride.
  • Hi, I am 30 and I lost my Mum on 24th Dec 2005 from breast cancer. Which is two years and nearly 9 months ago. I miss her terribly and wish she was here to help me plan our wedding! She was the most organised person ever, so I know that she would have thought and planned for alot of things that I hadn't even considered. She was also my best friend and there are so many things that I would like to tell her, but can't!! When I bought my wedding dress, I got very upset as she wasn't there to see it and give her opnion! My sister and I had to go round my Auntie's house for big cuddles.

    [Modified by: Jules220809 on September 10, 2008 01:57 PM]

    [Modified by: Jules220809 on September 10, 2008 03:52 PM]

  • havent read the other replies and I dont know how it feels for you but just wanted to say, maybe you could do a few small things on the day to include her in and remember her by, nothing to sadden the day something happy, for example my friend wanted to release butterflies in the grounds of her wedding venue as her mum had always loved them. i thought this was a lovely touch. a lot of people lay there flowers on a grave or memorial also. on a happier note, you will always know that you had a lovely relationship with her and she will be in your heart, wheras a lot of people have terrible relationships with there mothers and wish they could share it with someone closer. tis better to have loved and lost maybe? sorry if it sounds insensitive its just a
  • Hi Kirkmeister & girls

    Just wanted to send out big hugs to everyone who is missing their mums. My mum died four years ago on 1 September and just lately, I've been missing her more than ever. I'm glad that I found this thread as it reminded me that it's okay (and healthy) to shed a wee tear or two now again. Sometimes, I forget to do that. My dad also died almost 10 years ago but I take comfort from knowing that they're both together now.

    I'm very lucky as I have three big sisters to support me but there are times when I just want my mum. And I guess it's okay to feel like that sometimes.

    Hopefully, we can overcome some of the sadness of losing our mums by knowing that we're marrying the best bloke in the world (and I'm sure we all think we've bagged the best one!). My mum knew my H2B and I know she thought the world of him and so I'm sure both she and my dad will be sitting at the front row on our big day. I'm sure all of your mums will be too.

    Thanks for sharing - it's good to chat about it xxxx
  • hi, i am sorry to hear of your pain and loss.

    I too lost my mum, 6 years ago ( i was 16) i have also been finding planning our wedding quite lonely and emotional without her. I have cried every night for the past week, just thinking about how i have this special day ahead of me, and she isnt here to share it with me.

    It is hard, and i know nothing i can say will make you feel any better, but i do want to say that you will find alot of support on this site, the ladies are wonderful. I too am here if you would like to chat at any time,

    Take care lovie,

    sending big hugs your way

    Love Kerry

  • i lost my mum to a brain tumour 2 years ago. she wasn't here when i got engaged and planning my wedding has given me a bit of a focus through my grief.

    as the wedding is getting closer i am missing the things we should have done together. i went dress shopping on my own because it was her job and i didn't want anyone to take it away from her - i hope she was with me in spirit.

    i'm feeling a bit flat about the wedding at the moment - i have loads of stuff going round in my head which i would have discussed with her. i live with 3 men and my little brother tries to be enthuastic for me (bless him) and i have my friends but its just not the same. i know my mum would never get bored of my wedding talk.

    most days i a ok but some days the pain and realisation just gets me and i feel that i just wish i could be with her again. at the moment i can keep busy but i worry what will happen after the wedding when i have nothing to keep me occupied.
  • josaundjosaund Posts: 242
    My mum died suddenly on 14th December 1995 when I was 24 and still miss her like mad but even more so when I think of how much she would have loved all this wedding stuff.

    She never met my H2b and my sister got married last year and she never met her husband either.
  • Our mum had a stroke on my birthday in 2007 my youngest sister got married a week short of the year anniversary of her passing in June just past, and I am myself planning my own wedding for August 2009. I have to admit that I was worried how my sister was going to handle the wedding day but she was wonderful. Her usual stressful self disappeared and this very calm bride appeared and she had a totally wonderful day. I made sure I was there for her every step of the way and was in awe of our dad making such an emotional speech whilst still very much in mourning himself. At the end of the evening after kissing everybody in the line up, my sister clung to me and cried like a baby, and she didn't stop for hours. She had placed her true emotions so deeply that once the day was "finished" it all bubbled to the top. We all know how many times a day we think "mum would know the answer to that" and we all know that at times it hurts so much but we also know that our wonderful mums wouldn't want our special day to be spoilt by us "mourning" but that they would want us celebrating being the wonderful daughters they made us into, and smiling and enjoying ourselves and making her proud. My heart goes out to all of you who have posted here. xxx
  • Hey

    I lost my mum in May this year to cancer, We had told her we were getting married and she was over the moon (we have been together 8 years and have a 5 year old) so she said it was about time!, She also picked the band that we are having at the reception, I still think about my mum all the time and I don't know how I will cope without her at times when only she could be the one to make everything better not for one moment did we think she would not be at our wedding as the cancer was diagnosed in late Dec last year and we thought the chemo was working but no more than 5 months later she fell asleep. find it hard to think about wedding things and feel kinda bad mentioning it to family as it is all still raw so evrything I am doing is just me myself and I H2B is happy with anything as long as I am happy, but I know the type of conversations I would be having with my mum and I miss them, miss not being able to pick up the phone for a quick chat a long chat or just a good old moan, makes it a little easier knowing that I am not alone and other people are going through the same.

  • This is a topic so close to my heart. I talked about it on here 2 nights ago.

    My mum, Sue, died of ovarian cancer on June 7th this year. Although she knew and was close to my H2B she passed away before we got engaged. I feel so sad that we were unable to tell her our happy news.

    I am finding everything hard at the moment, but the most difficult was buying my dress. I love it and am so certain that my mum would too.

    I feel annoyed because I know how much my mum would have loved to help plan and organise the wedding. She was such an organised, arty person and would have totally been in her element.

    Thinking of everyone who is feeling this pain aswell.

    Best wishes xx
  • hi - im 30 and I am feeling the sme way. My mum died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 17. Although it was such a long time ago that she passed away I've been thinking about her so much since I got engaged and it really hurts that she wont be at the wedding. I really wish she was here because I really miss having someone to talk to about all the girly stuff!
  • As a motherless bride, I've been moved in talking/reading about others and how all our experiences share similar struggles. Last year, I publish this book/ creative journal to help others who are struggling through the grief that wedding planning can bring up. My hope is that you find the journal to be uplifting, inspirational and above all a comforting guide during this sacred celebration that can also bring up a lot of sadness.


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