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Mum stresses me out!!!!!!

Is it bad if i don't want my mum to be around when i'm getting ready!!!!!



Oh it does sound bad.



She stresses me out all the time. She calls me FAT i'm size 10 5'7 so not fat at all. I'm even worried about taking her with me to try dresses on. I look on YAYW and most peoples mums are so supportive i'm scared she will ruin my day and complain about everything.



We got a quote though from the caterers today and its a lot of money £10,000 ouch!!! but its because she wants loads of her family and friends to come and said we could get numbers down by just inviting our family, but i would rather have my friends that know me and H2B than family i see once ever 3 years!!!



My H2B doesn't get involved coz she is such a pain!!!



Any advice how i can have invole her but not stress me out to the point i tell her to leave on my wedding day.



I want her to just be helpful and there for me and keep her opinions to herself and just smile and enjoy the day and not complain about anything.



She's my mum i love her but i wish she could see that sometimes her comments are hurtful and unhelpful.



Please tell me i'm not the only one.



sorry about the rant lol.



xx

Posts

  • Anyone????
  • Im so sorry she isnt being more supportive, but id spell it out to her (but nicely!) Say her comments hurt you, which you are sure she doesn't realise, but unless she makes an effort to be supportive and not critical you would prefer her to back off during this important but stressful time.

    xx
  • Hi

    No ur not the only one, My mum is just the same!!!

    Right from the start when we said we were getting married which was last March an She's still like it now!!!

    She's constanly going on at me.......Take my Dress for example All the time She say's "Can you just not hire one?? I mean your only wearing it for 1 day?" I've already bought it,Its paid for an she still say's it!

    She has an opinion on how I should have my hair..........I want to have it down.......She wants me to have it up!! Ive explained I feel more confident with it down but She say's "Brides should have their hair up!!"

    She said she'd make our Wedding Cake as this is what she does for a job, We choose one but She doesnt like it...............So She's doin what she like and says it will be a suprise!!

    She's goin through all Our guests and asking "Who are them?" "Why are they coming?" and now she's told me She has invited 15 of her friends!



    As you say you love your Mum and I love mine but she's driving me MAD.......I have no advice Im sorry but atleast u no ur not alone image
  • i have been going through a similar thing with my mum especially with the fat thing and the fact that shes been telling me that "noone will want to come" to our wedding so i know how hurtful it is. Last weekend i had had enough and decided to stop speaking to her! but i couldnt do it because she's my mum and all i want is for this wedding to bring us closer together! half the reason why i am planning it to the extent i am is because of her and i want to give her the chance to help me plan and feel genuinely involved. Come wednesday i emailed her and told her how she was making me feel...really poured my heart out and this is something i never do with my mum...she phoned me thursday and apologised and has been really interested since.



    I suggest you do something similar...she'd probably be mortified if she realised how she was making you feel (at least i hope to think she would be!) sometimes i feel as though my mum gets a bit jealous of the kind of chances i have in life because she never had them but always wanted to if you see what i mean? maybe she's suggesting and insisting certain members of your family there because she's so desperate to have a massive part in your day and in all honesty she probably just wants to show the whole of your family how proud she is of you.



    Talk to her, explain that you want her involved but its you and your H2B day and you need to do it your way, otherwise you may not have the day which you dreamed of and im sure your mum definitely wouldnt have that!



    Good luck hun xxx
  • Thanx lol it was funny because when we told her we are getting she got a book and said she will be involved as much as I want her to be and she has already got to involved.



    I'm sorry you feel like that too its hard we need a guru on mothers.

  • yeah we certainly do! thats for sure! i think we just need to be as open with them as possible and try and creat some ground rules...whilst its a day for them too, at the end of it it is our day so i tend to stick to one rule:



    Our day, our way!



    You can never keep everyone happy, thats agiven but if you give her too much now, you might snap later on and end up causing more harm than needs be really...can you talk to her? just explain how happy you are and how much it means to you that she's making an effort and seems to excited and you dont want that to subside, but you do want to be the one to make the end decisions, afterall its meant to be the best day of your life (well one of them) and you only get one chance to get it right and if you dont then thats it...your mum should hopefully see that when you speak to her! xxx
  • Sweetheart - welcome to my world.



    I had to warn my CBM when she came shopping for my dress with my mother that my mother will mention how "of course" I was going to lose weight for the wedding at least 20 times during the day.



    When myself and H2B chose a venue that had not been pre-approved by my parents, they FLEW FROM DUBLIN TO CORNWALL to stay there for three days. Of course, they came back with a list as long as your arm of things that were wrong with the place.So far, my mother has argued with me over the following;

    a) getting married in Cornwall instead of Ireland

    b) My choice of reception venue (including the cutlery. Seriously. Cutlery)

    c) My choice of bridesmaid's dress

    d) My choice of bridesmaids

    e) How I shouldn't invite children

    f) How I shouldn't have a band

    g) How I should wear my hair

    h) How I have to lose weight



    Oh I could go on and on. I decided to try and involve her as much as a could as she was upset that I decided to get married in H2B's home town instead of in Ireland. Or, more specifically, in a hotel in Donegal she had picked out for my wedding reception five years ago unbeknownst to me. Now, she rings me about twice a week to say "have you done this yet or that yet?".



    She's quite artistic, so I've given her the job of making invitations, favour boxes, and placenames. I'm hoping this will keep her out of my hair for a while.



    I guess what you have to learn is to get a thicker skin. I'd imagine she'd be mortified if she thought any of her comments actually really hurt you.



    I say find a job that'll keep her occupied, ignore the vast majority of her opinions, and when she really steps over the line, tell her. It's the only way.

  • Isnt it nice speaking to other people with Parent problems when we all think we are alone! My Mum is also the same however she lives in Spain which I thought woudl save me a lot of stress but just adds to it! I emailed her the other day to a link to a song me & HeB would like to walk down the aisle to the reply was NO. You walk down to the traditional march! I kindly pointed out I would like some aspect of my wedding how we want rather then her and she starts moaning I have had it all my way and is there any point her coming as she wont knwo anyone there (Not my fault she didnt speak to most family members while I grew up so not close to any of them) She insisted the invites came form Her & Dad even tho the RSVPs come to me as they live in spain and WE are paying for the wedding so technically it me hosting not them! agghhh glad I got that out....she flys over for a week tomorrow help!
  • oh my god i'm so glad that its happening to everyone else as well,



    My mum has not stopped since i got engaged , too be honest I havent

    really stuck up for myself so i only have my self to blame.



    1. not happy with how many bridesmaid i have ( 3 ) they think this is too many .

    2 wanted the wedding at 4pm - we have booked it for 2pm

    3 wanted the wedding in Cornwall - we booked for Hartsfield manor in surrey .

    4 i wanted to look into a church wedding but mums put me off so we are having a civil ceremony.

    5 they did not want us to have evening guests

    6 & most importantly I thnk i might hve compromisedon my dress .



    From reading this i have got my own way onthis but from my point of view i thought this would be fun & bring me & my mum closer together but i feel tht it has driven us apart. almost to the point were i nearly cancelled the wedding , & would have jumped on the plane just the two of us.



    Anyway only got 4 months to go.........



    So for all you brides out there the only thing i can think of is that they are trying to give us all a wonderful day & maybe this is there way of doing things ......

  • pink4742pink4742 Posts: 1,999
    kinda wish my mum was like urs but mine isnt even coming to my wedding she wants nothing to do with me an i wish i could tell u why but i dont even know myself.... she calls me fat all the time although i am actually fat lol but ur mum should never call u that. she doesnt wanna see my dress or me in it. shes not paying for anything poor h2bs mum an dad are paying for lots of things. so i cant say my mum is driving me mad but shes a pain in the arse an i dont understand why mums go like this when wedding are about xx
  • Im glad its not only me then!! I had my son 5 days before my wedding. And my mum came over ( we live in spain) the day he was born to help with the preparations and things. Earlier in the yr she had come over and went with me to the florist to choose flowers well i choose my bouquets and the ones for bms and the table centre piece for buffet table i didnt hav a say in i want flowers runnin all along the bk of it but oh no we had to have just one single display!! When my mum came to visit me in the hosp wen i had my baby she said her partner wanted to discuss who i wanted in pics ( hes a pro photographer and wanted to do our pics). well we never had time so my mum and her partner had discussed it which i dont mind hes a pro so knows wat hes doing. But on the day we had our pics taken in a beautiful park and my mum threw a strop cos i wouldnt sit on a bench!!! I said itll get my dress dirty she wouldnt have it and walked off making me feel embarrassed in front of my family cos of this!! in the end we compromised but i thought its my day wat ru doing??!!



    In the end it was ok but it was like a 5 yr od throwing a stropimage
  • My mum's not bothered at all at mo, we live in Spain and she lives in UK but there's still stuff I'd like her help or opinion on.... You'd think having been married themselves (most of them have anyway) our mums would be clued up to how we may be feeling and how they felt when they were planning their wedding day!! x
  • My Mum is also a nightmare about my wedding plans: everything was wrong, my dress, the venue, the place, the people... so I've stopped talking to her about it. End of.



    It's improved our relationship no end. My wedding is not the time for us to mend our weird relationship - it means too much to me. I'm having what I want and that's it - I don't need her being a b***h to complicate things further! We get on fab now as long as we don't talk about the wedding - fortunately I've got lots of strong sisters who support me on this! Sometimes trying to get them involved means you end up having someone else's wedding day. this is the only time you'll do it (hopefully) - don't let anyone else ruin it for you!
  • I was so upset on friday. I booked my first dress appointment and called my mum to let her know i was very excited, her reaction was Oh i'm busy that day oh well they'll be anouther time. I was heart broken.

  • Hi

    II'm getting married on thursday ( 3days time) my mum is bugging me image 

    We are staying the night before at the hotel where I'm getting wed, thinking that would make life more simple. 

    But mum is on about people getting changed at the hotel so they don't have a 40 minute car journey dressed in their suits etc.

    Today she thought we'd be taking my nieces dress with us. I don't want loads of people coming to my room to pick up their stuff. 

    I'm getting really upset and annoyed at the moment. 

    Shes battling secondary breast cancer at the moment so I'm trying to bite my tongue. 

    Bec x

  • Horseradish39621 your tale sounds sooo familiar It must just be irish mum's!! we are having a destination wedding because it is what me and H2B want, but she has not stopped complaining about it since the moment I told her. She has tried everything, tears and tantrums, bullying and yes even blackmail to get me to change my mind. it isnt happening.

    Here is some advice for you ladies dealing with tricky mum's.

    1. they want to be involved- but sometimes they also want to take over. involved is ok, taking over is not. So over a nice cup of tea out of interest ask your mum about her own wedding day. Did someone else take over and make demands of her, did she have to compromise and go on a budget, did someone else pay?? etc etc you might get an idea why she is behaving the way she is.... then use it against her *evil grin* " mum your doing the same thing as when aunty norma invite her bowling club friends to your wedding without asking you"

    2. dont be afraid to be firm- practice saying no and dont forget about your H2B in these situations. its his day too. as simple as it sounds its your day. Dont forget it. 

    3. if she wants to add extra day guest ask her to stump up! say I dont mind you inviting louise from the vet surgery, but i will need you to cover the cost as I have checked the budget and I cant stretch to that, you will soon see she changes her mind when she has to pay!!

    4. get her involved- give her some jobs you would like her to take care of for you if she wouldnt mind it would be a great help etc etc. make sure that its stuff you dont really mind too much about, so as she can excercise her own way and not annoy you with a clash of tastes.

    5. listen- listen to her ideas and her vision for the wedding she wants you to have. she has likely spent a long time thinking about this day. agree to some things or a compromise on some of her ideas if you can. but if you are total opposites make it clear you are the boss.

    if these subtle approaches dont work you need to have a sit down and a chat with her and tell her that you need her to be behind you 100%. she doesnt have to agree with you all the time, you want her to be involved but it is your day. she had her day. and now you need your mum to support you on your day and it would mean alot if she did.

    or every time she tries on a mother of the bride outfit you just keep saying "oh no that makes you look really fat.... that one is ugly........that one even worse that the first 9... no no that one makes you look lumpy....." and just when she is about to cry whisper...see its not nice when someone says that is it. now you know how i feel!! hopefully you wont have to resort to that!

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