Getting engaged after being together for 8 months

Hi



Just found out that a friend of mine and H2B has got engaged after being with a girl for 8 months. I want to be happy for them but to me this seems really, really quick. I've known him for about 5 years and during this time she's the only girlfriend he's had, before that he was engaged to someone else. We've been a bit concerned about him recently as he's been cancelling meet ups at the last minute, seeming to never go anywhere without her and we - and other friends of ours - are worried that he's got involved too quickly.



Part of me thinks this is an early mid-life crisis, he turned 30 last year and I think that seeing his friends getting married and having baby's has made him think that it's time that he did the same. Because of this he's just latched onto the first person who came along :S



Trying really, really hard not to be bitchy and cynical about the situation but I really find it hard to believe that you can be ready for marriage after such a short time.
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  • I can see why you're concerned aklyja, it''s really hard to accept, as in this situation your interpretation does seem as though it might be accurate but as a friend, all you can do is stand by, be supportive and be prepared to pick up any pieces without uttering 'I told you so.'

    Although I must also say that after only a month I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with my H2B - we're getting married in June on our 6 year anniversary.

    Fingers crossed it works out for your friend...
  • melwingmelwing Posts: 2,666
    Is he having a long engagement?



    My best friend got engaged after knowing her fiance for 6 months. He proposed on their 6 month anniversary and she didn't tell me anything until a few months later as she was embarassed.



    Shes planning to get married in June 2011 so they would of been together for more than two years by then thats sounds sensible to me.



    Maybe he feels really strongly about this girl and feels ready for commitment.



    He might be jumping into it quickly but maybe he just wants to make the relationship even more solid.



    I wouldn't worry about him unless you really think that this girl is no good for him...
  • Br2BBr2B Posts: 163
    Hi Aklyja



    I don't necessarily think that you should be worried about the timescale - my hubby and I had been together 4 months when he proposed and are very happily married. Sometimes you just know that what you are doing feels right, and I'm a great believer in doing what feels right at the time.



    However, his other behaviour does seem a bit concerning, and combined with the quick engagement... maybe you are right about him feeling left behind when all his other friends are getting married etc.



    Have you tried talking to him about this? It depends on your relationship with him. But be careful as he may get offended. It's up to you whether you discuss the issue with him or just give it time and see how it pans out - you don't want to come across as interfering.



    Sorry - not much help I know. Just wanted to reassure you that sometimes relationships develop faster than others :\)
  • DandHDandH Posts: 371
    we got engaged after 5 months, we'd had the ring for a couple of months by then, like bongogirl says, we just knew. hopefully it will work out for them too
  • FutureAggleFutureAggle Posts: 649
    Well, in terms of quick engagements, I've heard worse. I can't tell whether it's too short for them personally or not - it would be for me. All you can really do is be supportive and wish them luck though.



    A whirlwind engagement can have other problems even if it works out for the couple, IMO. A good friend of my h2b's got engaged to his now-wife after five months of being together, I think partly due to cultural pressure and partly due to her being really keen! They're now married, but they were so intensively wrapped up in each other, and did things in such a whirlwind, that they alienated a lot of their friends, and since getting married and coming out of the new-relationship euphoria, I think they've been really lonely.
  • MrsWELLY2beMrsWELLY2be Posts: 495
    Hi,

    I actually got engaged after being with my h2b 5 months. I just knew it was right, i was basically living at his house until we moved into our own house 3 months later. We have been together 3 years now & getting married in 14 weeks!!!!!

    Yippee!!!!!!



    He's just the one! When you know, you know!



    I'll admit i stopped going out as much (which i think is completley normal) because i was & am happy.



    Maybe this is a similar situation... maybe it's not but as you are worried i'd just stay a true friend and be there if need be



    xx
  • Mrs_eeeMrs_eee Posts: 39
    hi



    I wouldn't worry if I were you. We too got engaged after we'd been together six months and that was a few years ago now! If you know, you know. But also, he's an adult and you have to let him take repsonsibility for his actions... if you did mention something, I find it hard to see how it would benefit the situation without offending your friend or making him feel silly - and why would you want to do that for a good friend?



    I think you need to be really happy for him, be supportive as you would for any good friend, and things will turn out the way they should...
  • My H2B proposed after 10 months but we had been living together for 6 months before that so maybe it is slightly different. I agree with the when you know you just know.



    We are both very much living for the moment people so my family were at first a bit worried i was rushing into things but now they know my h2b properly they love him nearly as much as i do.
  • Thanks for the replies, was really worried about posting this as I didn't want to seem like a bitch.



    I don't really know the girl, met her once. She seemed nice enough but really young. Like I said he's just turned 30 and she's 22/23 which is probably where a lot of my worries come from. He seems to be at the point in his life where he wants to settle down and have kids whereas she hasn't even finished univeristy yet.
  • MrsWELLY2beMrsWELLY2be Posts: 495
    Hi Aklyja - that's not much of an age gap to be honest..... i'm 23 and h2b 29.

    Remember us ladies are much more mature than the men.



    It's the same for me really... i haven't yet fully qualified either. But both of us are ready to settle down together.... just not ready for children yet.



    Don't panic too much. Try to get to know her a bit better, then maybe your opinion will change.



    xx
  • StroustrupStroustrup Posts: 2,859
    make sure you invite them out to do coupley things. I think you are worried because you just don't know the girl, and obviously you want to protect your friend (I would be exactly the same).



    Give yourself some time to get to know them as a couple and i'm sure the pair of them will appreciate it image
  • I'm trying not to be too gloomy about it all but the thing is he has a history of getting involved with girls and then dumping all his friends - he did this the last time he was engaged. He's been cancelling get togethers because he can't possibly be without her and has gotten so flakey that he's actually been replaced as my H2B's best man. There's going to be a few raised eyebrows at the wedding when H2B's family realise that his best 'man' is now a woman...
  • I wouldn't worry too much, if you have always thought he has a good head on his shoulders, then perhaps you should trust his decision, but be there if all goes wrong.



    I knew after the first week of meeting my BF that I had found my absolute soulmate! I too had been single for years and certainly wasn't looking for a relationship ( I am 37), but along he came and changed everything! We have been inseperable ever since and are getting married next year. He bought my engagement ring after only two months although we waited three more months before announcing our plans! But even by this time, we had booked the venue, church and photographer as we just knew that we wanted to start 'the rest of our lives' as soon as possible. Sure, some people made comments and voiced concerns, but those who know us and see us together are just as happy and excited as we are. And yes, we also had the worry of not seeing our friends as much, but now make more effort as a night away from each other every now and then, is healthy. Plus you get to swap the gossip when you are lying in bed that evening!



    If your friend seems happy, then I am sure he would love your support. But I also think you are being a fab friend for being a little worried. Shows how much you care!image
  • kikki21ukkikki21uk Posts: 1,114
    Hmm well I got engaged to my h2b after 3 months officially and a lot shorter than that unofficially and no we are not in our teens or twenties!

    I am 41 and he will be 35 next month!



    In fact we will have been together just short of a year when we get married in August this year.

    We have been through a lot together and we are often together 24/7 without massive arguments or rows... we just get on brilliantly and yes we do see family and friends whenever we can.



    A whirlwind engagement can be just right for people who have met the right person and that is simply that.



    I think all you can do for your friend is be supportive, encourage the both of them out together and get to know her and see what happens. They might well have a long engagement yet xx
  • hi hun, I was 17 when I meet my h2b we both knew we wanted to get married the second we met and he asked me to marry him a year later, will have been together for 7 years and we are getting married on a ten year anni, so if he is happy then let it be you never know he may wait a bit first and if he don't just be there for him if it don't work out or be happy if it does work out xxx
  • lawveelawvee Posts: 1,378
    At the end of the day it's his decision and you can only be there to support him as his friend. I knew I would marry my hubby on our first date and we moved in together after 5 months and have now been together for 5 (married for nearly 2). Maybe try and organise things for all of you to do together including his new fiancee and that way you can get to know her better and he might be less likely to cancel. I think a lot of us can be guilty of neglecting friends when we get involved in relationships. For some people getting engaged quickly is the right thing to do and I think all you can do is be supportive.
  • redheadb2bredheadb2b Posts: 350
    My h2b is 33, I'm 22 & we got engaged after 6 months..if it's right for them, it's cool.

    I just know why you're worried, one of my h2b mates' has just got engaged to a girl he's been seeing for 4 months (she's apparently booked the wedding for nov this year!) and everyone thinks he's doing it as everyone he knows is settled. x
  • inkiepixieinkiepixie Posts: 2,156
    I;m 33, FH is 27 and we got engaged after 10 months together; he moved in with me after eight months together. It's nothing to do with desperation or wanting babies or anything - we just love each other image
  • ImpishukImpishuk Posts: 173
    While I don't think speedy engagements are necessarily a sign of anything wrong, and know of a good many which have worked out great, I would be really concerned if it is something he is doing to fit in better with his peers... which if he is the last single one in the group might well be the case.



    My mum's best friend has 4 sons, all 29 - 37, the eldest two are married with children, and the youngest is now getting married this summer... ever since the date for that wedding was set the third son has seemed to be getting increasingly desperate to settle down, has dated everything that moves, and now at the age of 32 has got hooked up with a 19 year old and is talking about getting engaged to her. His poor mother is secretly about ready to pull her hair out, as she thinks it is mainly because he feels left out.



    But as she said, all she can do is let him get on with it. He's an adult and can make his own mistakes, and she has decided that the more she suggests that his teenage girlfriend is possibly not wife material, the more he will cling to her. She's just hoping she gets to help pick up the pieces (if indeed there are any) before it gets to the wedding, rather than afterwards.



    Is there any way to get the fianc????e involved with nights out or get togethers? If she is prominently invited because you all want to get to know her better and then made very welcome perhaps he will allow himself to be dragged back into the real world - at least sometimes. Some people though do just get too involved and ditch their friends for their new love. It's not a very attractive habit to be sure, but that's just how some people are.

  • MaireadbroMaireadbro Posts: 2,300
    Hubby moved in after two months and wanted to get engaged after about 3 but I made him wait until 8 months and got engaged on my dads anniversary.



    I was 40 and Hubby 47 - neither of us married before but neither of us gave up our friends and we still see them. Actually hubby suits me as he would prefer to sit in whereas I love going out with mates and he is fine with that.



    The older you are , the more you know, however giving up friends is out of order, had so many mates do it to me
  • AlyBallAlyBall Posts: 695
    My H2B had only been together 6 months when I was pregnant and then he proposed. We were planning it anyway, had the ring by then and everything, but I have to agree, I just knew it was the right thing to do - we were already living together after about 2 months being together. We've been together 3 years now and we're getting married in october.



    Oh and I'm 28 and he's 50... age doesn't matter if you love them. He's the best thing that's ever happend to me!!



  • Z750GirlZ750Girl Posts: 2,285
    I was 28 when i met my now hubby, moved in together in 3 months, engaged after 6 months, married 12 months later and are still happy nearly 2 years after our wedding (yeah i know i am said still hanging round here).

    When i announced to my friend (newly single) after we got engaged she was a bit concerned it was quick but i explained that it was 'right'. 6 months after i got engaged she met her now husband and realised what i had tried to explain about knowing when it is right.



    If your friend was just 20 then i could understand your concerned but as your friend is in his 30's i would expect him to know right from wrong.



    Im not saying if his friends werent still single he wouldnt be, but that would be down to him not seeing sucessful working relationships that you and the rest of your group all seem to have that helps him identify a good relationship.



    You say he keeps cancelling, is his GF being invited directly? is she welcomed? no offence meant but she may feel uncomfortable unless the invite states friend and gf (including verbal invites), i know i was always uncomfortable unless i was directly invited...
  • anjcanjc Posts: 182
    Me and my H2B were together for 3 weeks when we got engaged and are still going strong 12 years later (much to everyones great surprise probably). Your friend may just feel that he's found "the one" even though it may seem soon, everyones different. Think the most you can do is try and make her welcome and be there for him if anything goes wrong cos thats what friends are for really. xx
  • MaireadbroMaireadbro Posts: 2,300
    Quoted:
    Me and my H2B were together for 3 weeks when we got engaged and are still going strong 12 years later (much to everyones great surprise probably). Your friend may just feel that he's found "the one" even though it may seem soon, everyones different. Think the most you can do is try and make her welcome and be there for him if anything goes wrong cos thats what friends are for really. xx


    3 weeks...Wow!!! People said I was quick and we are both in our 40's - good on you!
  • anjcanjc Posts: 182
    Mrs Askew, my only excuse is that we were young and excitable lol! We were only 19, so people just presumed we would grow out of each other, instead we've just grown up together and stronger. And we're only just getting married next year. Think my family had given up hope he he. x
  • Hello



    My husband and I have been married for 2 weeks. He proposed to me after 4 months of being together. We've been together 2 years and I couldn't be happier. We're both in our 30's. I think it comes to a stage where you know when you know if that makes sense. Just be supportive to him. The marriage won't happen if it isn't right. Fear not



    Sasha xx



  • ImpishukImpishuk Posts: 173
    Quoted:
    Oh and I'm 28 and he's 50... age doesn't matter if you love them. He's the best thing that's ever happend to me!!



    I think this is certainly true for more mature couples. I am 28 and my h2b is 47, and the age gap just isn't an issue for us. I would only feel seriously worried about an age gap if the younger partner was still very young/teenaged.
  • my H2B and i where together 10months when he proposed, 5months later we bought our own house and when we get married we will have been together 2 and 1/2 years! i am 22 and he is 28!! i guess wat i am trying to say is, try not to worry about your friend, just be there for him if he needs you!
  • MrsHedgehogMrsHedgehog Posts: 158
    My h2b and I got engaged after 1 year together although we had already decided we'd get engaged after a few months. When we get married we'll have been together for only 2 years. I think when the time is right for you then you should just go for it. There's no point in waiting a long time just because that's what people expect. At first I was worried that everyone would think we were rushing into things but actually everyone was really happy for us.
  • mandi-loumandi-lou Posts: 847
    Me and my h2b got engaged on valentines day 2008 and we'd met the July before. He used to work offshore for 6 weeks at atime and was away for 3 times. I had had boyfriends before this the longest of which was 6 months! I think when you know, you know.

    This'll all be new to him which'll be why you're not seing much of him. Give it time and he'll start seeing more of you and your h2b x
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