Still not made up with best friend

Sorry to bug you guys (yet again!) with this, but I fell out with one of my best friends and we still haven't made up. We've been friends for years but have had to put up with years of bad behaviour. She's got some amazing good points and has been a good friend to me, but has a sheer inability to get on with my other friends, and has to be the centre of attention. Last straw came at my engagement party when she caused a scene.

I thought we could be amicable but despite a couple of efforts made on my part, one she ignored and the second was received frostily. She also didn't invite me to her birthday. I thought we could patch things up at a mate's birthday but it turns out she's not going - not sure whether this is because of me or she's genuinely busy. I feel that because of the way she's reacted to this whole thing and her frostiness, that I just am not a big enough person to make the effort to fix things. However, the deadline for sending our 'save the dates' is running out.

She's also getting married and I've obviously been cut out of any organising, so I'm not sure whether she'll be inviting me. But I don't think I can invite her. My friends have all said that basically that would be the end of our friendship if I didn't, but they also admit that she has acted like a nightmare in all of this. They aren't getting married so I don't expect them to understand, but I would never ever forgive her if she ruined the day. It's making me feel like the worst person though, so if anyone has words of advice or who has been through a similar thing, it would mean the world if you could help. xx


  • mummy22ukmummy22uk Posts: 694
    Hi hun, I think it all comes down to if you want her in your life or not?If you do then invite her to your wedding. If you dont then dont send her an invite. As your friends have said: not inviting her will probably mark the end of your friendship but if you're ok with that then thats the way it should be.You cant control her feelings or actions- she may or may not invite you to hers, you dont know, but do whats right for you. If you invite her and she turns it down- she's not a friend worth stressing over or having for that matter. If you invite her and she comes- well maybe its a friendship worth saving?x
  • I think because we've known each other for so long, that's why I am finding it hard to let go. But if I'm being honest, while there are some times when I miss her, the times when she's been a nightmare have just outweighed the good. I think that with friendships, if you're not having much fun with your friend - what's the point? It's not like she's going through anything particularly bad - good job, nice fiance - and I just feel like I've made so many excuses for her already. Thanks so much for the advice though xx
  • I completely agree with mummy22 - you're already very aware of the fact that the friendship will be irreparable if you don't invite her to your wedding and it does boil down to whether you want to be the one who has instigated that. I'm really sorry you're being put through this... it is a dilemma and until you're in the situation it's difficult to know what to suggest. I think if it was me, I would send her an invitation to the wedding, then it leaves the ball in her court (if she accepts, then she's showing she wants the friendship to be repaired as well... if she doesn't - and if she doesn't invite you to her wedding -????then she's giving out a very clear message that she's not prepared to fight for the friendship, but at least you'll know you tried your best).

    Not really much help, I'm afraid, but I think you should follow your heart and be true to yourself. You say you wouldn't forgive her if she ruined the day... do you think there is a real chance of her doing this? x
  • Sorry, the site has interpreted the hyphens in my post as weird characters... hope you can still get the gist of what I'm saying!! x
  • Thanks for this guys!

    Well to be honest, I was hesitant to ask her to the engagement party because I was worried she'd cause a scene. But I was so sure that she'd be a good friend and realise that it wasn't about her and that whatever her issues she'd keep a lid on it, but she just didn't.

    Because of this (and like I said countless other events) I just don't feel like I can trust her anymore. More to the point, I think it would really hurt her to see that she isn't a part of the day at all and it would really hurt me to attend her wedding to know I wasn't part of it either.
  • mummy22ukmummy22uk Posts: 694
    It is a tough one hun- I had the same with my best friend. We dont talk anymore and even though I miss the times we had together I dont miss her- sometimes you just have to let friendships go..
  • I read the article in a newspaper that said 'weddings are funerals for friendships' - it's so true. Thanks Mummy22 - that has really helped. I think I am very nostalgic about our friendship but have realised the past year or two has just been exhausting being her friend. Some people come and go, and I've learned to really value the friends that have rallied around and just been supportive about it.
  • I can see why you're concerned about inviting her to the wedding... on what should be the most important day of your life, you certainly don't want to be worrying about whether somebody is going to ruin it for you and your hubby-to-be. It's a really tricky one! What you say about the friendship having 'dwindled' over the last couple of years is something I can really relate to with one of my friends. We used to be best friends, but we've just drifted apart over the last couple of years (no falling out, nothing like that, just drifting apart and she's been very self-obsessed and quite difficult to be friends with at times). As we hadn't fallen out, I felt bad not including her in the wedding and, after quite a bit of thought, I asked her to be a bridesmaid (even though I barely see her anymore). I just felt that, if I didn't, that would signal a turning-point in our friendship, and not in a good way.

    Your last post there does sound like you have already sort of said goodbye to the friendship, and if that is the case maybe you do need to just let this one go. Friendships are about give and take, and if all you're doing is giving and never seeing anything back from it, it's not really a friendship worth having. I hope all this isn't causing you too much stress... I've heard that you really see people's true colours in the run-up to a wedding and, in my experience anyway, there seems to be some truth in it x
  • cheesecheese Posts: 67
    Not exactly the same but may help, I hope. My bridesmaid acted really nastily toward me over the course of our engagement. I don't think she even realised how vile she was becoming, but she basically would slag me off and put me down. Even during my first dress fitting she couldn't find one nice thing to say to me. image About 5weeks before the big day we had a big argument. My mom had sent her an email asking for more info on the hen night and she sent a vile email back basically saying my mom had nothing to do with my hen, and she was just interferring. She also slagged off my other bridesmaid in the email. Anyway, I confronted her about it very calmly and said about how I was worried that Id upset her. I thought she'd apologise, but a week later she turns up for her BM fitting without an apology. I confront her again, and said how hurt I was that she hadnt apologised or even tried to smooth things over, and she went crazy saying how nothing was her fault. So I sacked her. I was so upset about doing so, and the next week reinstated her as bridesmaid (I was scared about our mutual friends turning against me, and also thought our friendship was worth saving). Stupidly I thought she'd be so thankful and overjoyed, but even though she said she wanted to be my bridesmaid, I later heard she spent the day slagging me off! image I haven't really spoken to her since except for nicities at mutal gatherings.

    Anyway, sorry about the rant. My point is, try your best to contact her. Get your point of view over once more and see how she reacts. If she won't speak to you I'd not invite her. I honestly thought after everything my friend would realise how important the wedding should be, but now I just have bridal photo shots that make me sad everytime I look at them.

    Hope it works out for you hun. xx
  • Thanks SmeePee - that has helped. I think the problem is that I feel like I've already tried to contact her - and am just fed up with being the bigger person. She still hasn't really apologised for the ruining things or acknowledging her behaviour is to blame. Quite honestly the thought of talking to her about all this further just makes me feel dread because she's just not the type of person to ever apologise for her behaviour. All our mates acknowledge this.
  • If you feel that you have made an effort to try and sort it out and she is still not replying then I don't think I'd invite her.. she seems to be being childish by not inviting you to her birthday etc.

    If you cant trust her not to make a scene she is going to be a worry to u on the day and u dont want that either.

    I agree, what is with best friends from school turning jealous an stuff? mine hasnt really spoken to me for a few months, specially since ive been engaged and she's not bothering to come to the engagement party, she's "busy"..

    Makes you realise who your real friends are!

    life is too short to spend time worrying about people who clearly dont have time to worry about you, so i think i'd leave her if i was you! x
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