H2B - Broke his big promise to me!

Hi,



Im not talking to h2b at mo.

I really don't know what to do to be honest!!



We've just been away on my hen weekend, our wedding is 5 weeks to this saturday.



We had the most amazing weekend, such a laugh!



Anyhoo, I caame home yesturday afternoon to a mahoosive welcome by my son cuddles and kisses galore!!



I went on the laptop to upload pics to show everyone and found a link to porn sites in the history. Last summer he made me a promise as I had cought him out then too looking at them, he promised me that he wouldn'y watch them again. He loved me too much to hurt me.



I couldn't do anything at that moment as son and h2b had gone out to get us a mcdonalds for tea.



When he came back I asked him what the link was. His reaction said it all, he looked down embarassed.

"Why are you looking at them?" (me)

"I was bored" (him)

"So, everytime I go out for a night or away you're going to look at them?"

"No, thats not it. I was at a loose end"

"Am I not enough for you?"

he came up to me, kneeled in front of me and tried to hug me. I began crying. Our son was still in the room at this point, but was engrossed in Peppa Pig!!

"You are enough for me, I'm just stupid I know I am"

"You have really hurt me, you've broke you're promise."

I ran out of the room to bed and sobbed my heart out.



This morning he asked me for a kiss, I didn't answer him so he gave me one on my head.



What am I to do??

Do you think I can trust him after he breaks a promise t me which he knows meant a lot to me that he made as I hate with a capital H porn.



My plan is to be quiet with him so he realises how much he has hurt me and that it means so much to me that he made the promise in the first place!



Am I too soft??



I know he would never go out and cheat on me, he would never do that. But this porn business is hurting me sooooo much.



Help me, what should I do? We're supposed to be getting married in 5 weeks and his stag is this weekend!!!!
«1

Posts

  • CwpsiCwpsi Posts: 78
    Forgot to mention, he slept on the sofa last night instead of the spare room as I had put his pillow and pj's on the floor outside our room as a message 'don't dare come in'!!
  • nicolac34nicolac34 Posts: 738
    Hiya



    I know exactly what you are going through, I was horrified when I came across some porn links on our home computer. I couldn't speak to him I was so angry! After lots of ranting on my part and lots of appologising on his I got over it after I made him swear that he would never look at it again.



    This was around 3 years ago now, and since then I've completley changed my feelings towards him viewing porn. On a very 'enlightening' trip to Amsterdam we discussed everything to do with sex and our feelings towards the whole industry. I thought I knew him better than anyone, but I learnt a whole new side to him that weekend. Thoughts and feelings that he'd kept to himself because he thought I'd go mental at him (as I had in the past). We left Amsterdam like a new couple and it's made us much stronger.



    I understand that he looks at porn when he's bored at home and it no longer bothers me, it actually makes him more horney when I'm around! image



    I'm really sorry that you are feeling so bad about it all, I just remember how I treated my h2b and I don't want you to make the same mistake for something that in the end is pretty harmless. He is obviously very very sorry, but I think having more open discussions about why he does it might make you realise that it's ok.



    Big hugs xxx
  • clareymukclareymuk Posts: 93
    Hiya MissPMrsRtb,



    I can understand your OH breaking a promise is hurtful, but I have to be completely honest and say in my opinion you might be over reacting slightly. Please don't be insulted, I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just trying to make you realise there are much worser things your partner could be doing. Is your partner lovely otherwise and good with your child? If he's a decent man otherwise I would not give him such a hard time.



    You've said that you don't think he'd ever cheat and if the worst thing he does is look at p*rn occasionally(sorry at work so better not write in full) then I don't see a lot wrong.Lots and lots of men look at this kind of thing, I wouldn't take it as a personal insult to you.



    He's apologised so I would forgive and forget. It sounds like your partner loves you loads! x
  • JvLwithBabyBoyJvLwithBabyBoy Posts: 2,740 New bride
    hun im really sorry youre feeling like this so shortly before your wedding. big hugs to you!

    first off, i think you need to explain to your h2b exactly why porn is such an issue for you. you may have done so in the past but it might not have gotten through. im pretty sure he doesnt see it as a big deal and a lot of men do look at it regularly without giving it a second thought. it has absolutely nothing to do with how he feels about you, trust me.

    breaking a promise is bad, thats true, but i dont think he has done something unforgivable and it doesnt warrant breaking up over. he hasnt cheated on you and although he probably didnt think he would get caught, he does feel guilty about what happened.

    i personally dont believe in the silent treatment. it doesnt solve anything because youre not communicating. instead of punishing him for his behaviour, try and make him understand why youre so angry - both because of the porn and because of the broken promise. once he has apologised you need to forgive and forget. try not to hold this against him or bring it up again and again.

    xx
  • JvLwithBabyBoyJvLwithBabyBoy Posts: 2,740 New bride
    ps: wanted to add that personally i dont have an issue with occasional porn. i know my husband loves me and would never hurt me and if im away and hes bored, thats fine. i know he would much rather have s*x with me than watch porn on his own.
  • Im kinda in agreement with the other girls. In the grand scheme of things, watching 'regular' p*rn is a way most guys (and some women) pass the time. So long as its not continous every night/day every spare moment then the odd peek is harmless. He clearly loves you and doesnt want to see you hurt and seems deeply embarrassed by it. I think in the run up to your wedding you have so much to look forward to that it would be shame if this affected your relationship. Think of it another way - every guy self pleasures himself whether he watches p*rn or not. Give yourself and him a break from the added stress of falling out over this and enjoy the rest of the planning for your wedding.
  • drobinson1984drobinson1984 Posts: 1,071
    I have been through this with my H2B too, however to be honest I think you are taking it way too far....the way I see it men generally like porn, and at the end of the day they're not going out and cheating on us or thinking about that girl etc, if they didn't do it watching porn they'd still "relieve" themselves anyway so I honestly don't see the difference it makes!



    I have no problems with porn, and actually like watching with my H2B on occasions to spice things up.



    Leaving his pillow outside the door is a little OTT if you ask me, he hasn't cheated on you or anything - Sounds like you don't have much trust in him if you're making such a big deal out of it and the fact his stag is this weekend!
  • MissPMrsR2b, I am sorry and I know this is probably not what you want to hear but I also agree with the other girls.

    Of course I don't know why you are so adament against p*rn and maybe it really is a personal thing to you, but in general I think you are asking a lot to have your fiance completely cut out p*rn. As I said, though, there may be a more personal reason for your hatred of it and if so that can be understandable.

    But relationships should be equal and full of compromise. If you are completely happy with the outcome of this deal, and he is not, then this is not equal. You should come to a place where you are equally happy (and disappointed, if applicable) in order to make sure no one ever feels bitter or taken advantage of.
  • August25thAugust25th Posts: 393
    Have to say I agree with everyone else. While I can understand that you are annoyed that he broke his promise, it is only porn. I personally would not care if my H2B was looking at it, men are just very different from women.





    My plan is to be quiet with him so he realises how much he has hurt me and that it means so much to me that he made the promise in the first place!



    Please dont do that, how is that going to accomplish anything!!!! Tell him why you are so upset and let him explain why he watches it. Try to be understanding.
  • CwpsiCwpsi Posts: 78

    Thanks for all your'e replies.



    I know he loves me a lot and I love him and he's an Amazing father.



    But, we've had a lot of arguments over this, the thing is it's not normal girl boy porn he's looking at. I don't think that would actually bother me that much. We are usually very open with each other and can share everything.



    Have you seen the adverts on telly, the 7 seconds one showing you what you can do with you're computer. Well, the one where the bloke is buying his wife an anniversary present using

    "in private browsing" so the history is hidden.

    He's been using this to hide it, but forgot to use it for 1 site so I found the rest then knowing where to look.

    He was looking at girl with strap on doing stuff to a man's bum bum and s&m stuff!!!

    Now, I don't know about you but I'm not actually into that!!

    We do get dressed up for our nights in and have an adventurous s** life.

    But, the stuff he's looking at is disgusting!!



    Still dont know what I'm going to do, just hope for his sake he comes home with flowers or something for me tonight!!
  • Awww you cant help the way you feel! I think the same as the other ladies comments, you have nothing to worry about its sounds like very now and again!! Talk to him calmly and tell him why it hurts!! and get on with the last 5 weeks and be happy image
  • Jenda1Jenda1 Posts: 1,350
    hey...i thought you were taking it a bit far..but... after this comment



    "Still dont know what I'm going to do, just hope for his sake he comes home with flowers or something for me tonight!!"



    i definately think you are. what are flowers going to do? this is just a material thing...a way of buttering you up...
  • CwpsiCwpsi Posts: 78
    Hey, I didn't come on here asking to be judged I came to get some support.

    Please, if you're thinking I'm taking it to far keep you're comments to you're self!!



    He never buys flowers, his opinion is "they die so why buy?!"

    If he went into a shop to buy me flowers it would show me that he actually understood that he has hurt me.
  • nicolac34nicolac34 Posts: 738
    Ok so the S&M stuff really isn't my cup of tea either. Mabye he was just interested and wasn't watching it from a turn on point of view? I know lots of random things pop up when you are only looking for 'straight' porn and if that did crop up it's only human nature to have a look - bit like a car crash!



    I do think you need to find out whether he does find this type of thing a turn on, might help you understand it more?
  • You want something to indicate how bad he feels and how sorry he is, i get it! Its not about the flowers in the material respect!



    As for the S&M stuff nothing to worry about, everyone has fantasies most ppl wont admit them and wont ever do them...in your hubbies case he watches it every now and again! Everyone of us has a bit of perv in us lol!!
  • I think what your after is your husband to be proving that your his nnumber one, that your in his thoughts and you miss the romantic gestures he could be showing you..men can be a little slack in that department, if you add to that the fact that he has "whilst your back is turned" broken a promise to you and made you feel rejected.

    I agree that men do it and us women should relax a little, i also think us ladies over analise everything and take things to heart.

    My h2b watched porn behind my back when i was pregnant and going through alot of turmoil after a nasty court case, things was so tough for me i went to stay with a friend for two nights, came home, went on my laptop to see my search bar full of it..it really, really hurt. I think what hurt most is because he had done it behind my back, tried to hide it which just knocked my trust in him and made me feel worthless, i needed him and he was busy watching all that bumf!

    It took alot of time for me to get over it, calm down and see that things wasnt as bad as i had made them out to be.

    I think where your h2b has gone wrong is by breaking a promise and being deceitful about what he was doing, this is more damaging than the actual watching of porn..maybe he felt that he couldnt live up to the promise.

    Im sure you will calm down and sort things out between you, He hasnt meant to hurt you and he hasnt cheated on you..but to be honest you might be feeling deceived.

    I think the best thing you can do is talk together, maybe come to a truce where porn is concerned..thats what i did, I said to my h2b that if thats what he wanted to do then ill accept it but please dont lie to me about it, Im not being naive when i say he hasnt watched it since, maybe its a case of forbidden fruit syndrome..its more tempting when you know its forbidden but when you allow them to watch it, it suddenly doesnt seem as appealing..who knows, just try to put things into prospective and keep positive about your marriage vows..above all else just tell your husband you want your marriage based on truth and im sure he will understand how you feel

    Sally x
  • JvLwithBabyBoyJvLwithBabyBoy Posts: 2,740 New bride
    hun, i honestly wouldnt worry about the s&m stuff. its a fantasy thats being visualised through porn. men and women both fantasise about stuff theyd never do in real life. apparently a rape scenario is a common fantasy for women, but no normal woman would actually want to have that happen to her. its a power/submission thing and it doesnt mean your h2b wants you to put on a strap-on.

    when he comes home tonight maybe try and talk to him. keep an open mind and whatever you do, dont make him feel guilty for his sexual fantasies. they are just fantasies. xx

  • CwpsiCwpsi Posts: 78
    God you girls are good.

    It's so hard trying to explain it when you're angry, but you've just hit the nail on the head there. That is what I want, I've just realised that myself.

    Quoted:
    You want something to indicate how bad he feels and how sorry he is, i get it! Its not about the flowers in the material respect!



    I think what your after is your husband to be proving that your his nnumber one


    I'm not that bothered about 'normal' porn, but the hard(er) stuff I don't like.

    The fact that he has tried to hide it from me hurts more, it really does.



    I just want him to realise that he's hurt me bug time!!

    I want a sign from him that he's really sorry so we can start talking, saying sorry isn't enough.

    There's no point in us talking before then! But talking is defo on the agenda!!

    I hate people getting judgmental on here when all you need is support when you're a bit down!



    Thanks for understanding all of you xxxx
  • JvLwithBabyBoyJvLwithBabyBoy Posts: 2,740 New bride
    hun, i think you need to tell your h2b exactly what you just wrote here. that in order for you to start talking to him you need to know that he is truly sorry for breaking your trust. id try and focus on that rather than the porn. men can be pretty dense sometimes and he may think youre only upset about the porn when actually the secrecy is a bigger issue for you. once he understands this hell come crawling. could you write him a letter explaining how you feel? xx
  • Awww....well he's a man luv dont expect the flowers even though you need them to feel wanted and numbe rone, he's probably embarrassed now and doesnt know if you will kill him for breathing let alone buying flowers lol!



    Do you feel quite insecure anyway? Is that adding to this? It kinda sounds this way, nothing to be ashamed of everyone has insecurities! I would sort it out as soon as you can you have a lovely wedding soon image
  • CwpsiCwpsi Posts: 78
    Yep I'm a bit insecure.

    I'm recovering from a bad time with postnatal depression, had panic attacks and couldn't leave the house over christmas.

    But, I'm lot better and positive about it.

    What knocks you down brings you back stronger eh!!

    H2B has been so supportive and amazing, he's still doing the things I can't bring myself to do like doing the weekly shop and putting diesel in the car!! (weird I know but I can't do it) which is why breaking a promise has hurt me when I trust my soul to him!!
  • Thought so luv, so this seems like a huge thing to you and you take it soooo personal to you!



    Tell him all this how insecure you are and this is why it effects you in this way and hes a PLONKER hehehe! You are doing amazingly well by the sounds of it, you will become very strong your right!! You really dont have a thing to worry about xxx the sinking feeling will pass and you will move on from it!
  • MissPMrsR2b - i totally get why you've come on here for support, and why you think other people saying that wanting flowers is being materialistic and that you're taking it too far is upsetting you, but I honestly agree with these ladies.



    My h2b often watches p*rn (also at work, sorry) when he's staying away for the night for work, and we've occasionally watched it together. The big thing that I hate is lap dancing, which I find altogether far more personal and upsetting than anything on television. Not long after we got engaged he went on someone else's stag do and they all went lap dancing. He told me the lads were insisting on going beforehand and that he'd rather not bother and promised me he wouldn't actually have a lap dance. He ended up having 4. At the time it upset me that much I ended up having panic attacks.



    But the thing is, the reasons why I was so upset about that were all down to my self-confidence and the way I feel about myself (e.g. if he sees beautiful thin people wearing not very much he's bound to not fancy me any more) - which isn't his fault.



    It does sound like your h2b loves you, and if this is correct and you say you don't think he'd cheat on you then what is your issue really? I don't want to upset you again but I do think you need to think hard about why this upsets you so much, why you think a gesture of flowers might make you feel better and why you think flowers would show he's understood that he's hurt you. You need to have a long talk with your h2b so you both understand how the others feeling.



    I hope you resolve this petal, I really do. *big hugs* xxxx
  • I am not going to go into specific detail, but please trust me when I say that the p*rn he is interested in watching does not reflect what he wants or expects from his partners.



    Also, he is not a mind reader and in his eyes he may have done everything he can do to say he's sorry (i.e. saying "i'm sorry"). If that's not good enough for you, you are going to need to communicate that to him.

    Personally, I can sort of feel for him really. I mean, you say that what hurts you most is that he hid this from you but you also told him that he should never look at it, without any sort of compromise on your part. Would you have reacted more supportively if he came to your first and said that he wanted to look at it?
  • CwpsiCwpsi Posts: 78
    Actually, when I found out last year that he was looking at porn he made a decision to not look at it again I didn't ask him not to he made that decision himself as I was willing then to maybe watch it sometimes together. But, as we've been so busy with everything lately, moving house, sorting wedding etc. we haven't talked about it.



    I have told him that breaking his promise to me has hurt me.

    I have also told him that I'm angry that he hasn't spoken to me about it and it's not that he's scared of mentioning the subject because as I said earlier we are very very open with each other and don't have any secrets.



    No, I wouldn't have supported him if he wanted to share what he was looking at with me. Have just been looking at the rest of the history now. I'ts vile.



    Am I the only one here that doesn't really like porn?

    I find it more exciting to act out fantisies of our own in the bedroom and keep it to ourselves. We can have a private giggle then the next day together or at work!



    He hasn't done much exept say sorry, I've told him it's not enough because he broke his promise.



    I find that most of you here don't see watching porn as a big deal.

    In my eyes I find it awful, degrading and disgusting to be honest.

    It's normal for men and women to have fantasies, but if you're in a relationship, shouldn't you be sharing them with you're parnter?



    Lucky for you ladies being able to be laid back and some of you enjoying it with you're partner I wish I could because then there would be no problem!!
  • My mistake! I assumed from what you said in your original post:

    "Last summer he made me a promise as I had cought him out then too looking at them, he promised me that he wouldn'y watch them again. He loved me too much to hurt me."

    That sounded to me as though you had found him looking at porn and asked him to not do it any more. My apologies, because it seems I was wrong.

    And I was not suggesting that you watch it with him. I personally don't like watching porn myself. But I am suggesting that maybe your opinions don't need to be shared by your other half. You think that porn is disgusting and degrading. Fair enough. Clearly, he doesn't.

    He is not forcing you to watch it, he deserves the same respect from you by not feeling like he is being forced not to.

  • JvLwithBabyBoyJvLwithBabyBoy Posts: 2,740 New bride
    you said:



    He hasn't done much exept say sorry, I've told him it's not enough because he broke his promise.



    what exactly do you want him to do? to be honest i dont think theres much more he can do. i personally feel that an honest apology is worth more than chocolates or flowers. gifts like that are often a cop-out and a way to soften the other person up. your h2b is probably a bit confused as to what you need him to do. you may have to be a bit clearer as to what he needs to do to regain your trust hun. xx

  • MissPMrsR2b I dont like watching porn either, i am not very confident and it would make me feel worthless if i found my h2b doing it behind my back. We do spend all of our time together so i am not really sure when he would get chance unless he snuck off into another room.



    I see where you are coming from but dragging it out isnt going to make it any better, you just need to talk to him and then try and forget about it.



    Like the other ladies have said, he clearly loves you and obviously doesnt know how much its upset you.



    But at the end of the day he is a man, they come from different planets. I am sure he won't do it again now that he knows how much its upset you.



    Try to forget about it because at least its only porn and he hasnt been cheating or talking to any other women. image
  • It's not that I think p*rn's great, I just think that on a scale of things that your h2b could do to upset you it's relatively harmless.



    I know you say it's the broken promise that upsets you the most, but from what you've said I genuinely don't think it is. As you said, if you were "laid back enough to enjoy it with him there would be no problem." The problem lies with him continuing to watch p*rn and the way this is making you feel. Even if your h2b buys you flowers or chocolates, it won't achieve anything because until you look at the reasons why this upsets you so much you won't feel better in the long term.



    Please understand that we're all just trying to help. but I don't think you'll get anywhere unless you address your insecurities like I've had to. xx
  • soozie1978soozie1978 Posts: 620
    i know youre upset. but dont think that is you or that your not good enough...men are weird thats all. Most men watch porn, have a wank when we're not in. its not personal, i just think they dont realise.



    do you suffer from low self esteem at all? i only ask becuase you asked him whether you were enough for him. you clearly are because your getting married. try not to worry.

    hows your sex life? has is dwindled recently? sorry to be so personal, dont answer if you dont want to but it may be another reason why hes watching it.
Sign In or Register to comment.