friends..what friends.

Ok so im getting married in August and i have 2 bridesmaids, both oldish friends.

Im pissed off with them because they never bother to reply to my texts or emails. they were supposed to be organising my hen do and i have people emailing me asking why they havent responded to their emails!

they havent bothered to sort their dresses out either. one ignored all my emails and i asked her shy she wasnt replying and she said something about being busy because of an ill relative..only she forgets on FB that she updates her status saying how shes hungover and off out again tonight, but too busy to pick up her dress and get it sorted! they havent done anything whatsoever!!!!!!!!!

as for another friend who said that she couldnt afford two days of work to come to my wedding, even though i spent a fortune going to hers!! sob story, even though she is loaded and is gutted that her holiday to Hawaii is cancelled!

i feel let down by my so called friends. Im thinking of cancelling my hen altogether and when my bridesmaid finally pull their finger out, ie. when they want their dresses which ive paid for, then i have a good mind to ignore them.

im aware of how childish this sounds, but even other people have commented on how they dont do anything. sorry, just need to rant and get this off my chest!


  • clareymukclareymuk Posts: 93
    Don't really know what to say or suggest other than I know how annoying it is when your friends dont seem to be that excited!

    I know they have their own lives but a little more enthusiasm would be good!

    Hope they pull their finger out and get that hen do sorted 4u!! Maybe you should speak to
  • one of them has always been bad. She couldnt make a visit to see my dress because she knew shed be too hungover!!

    ive told the other one this and shes said, you need to tell her.

    now shes got just as bad. Im tempted to say to both of them, im not having bridesmaids anymore. I wont bother choosing anyone else becase i think thats unfair. But i grudge spending out on people who cant even be bothered to reply to my texts!
  • MezCMezC Posts: 563
    I would get rid of them to be honest. They will turn out to be much more stress than they are worth. Imagine if they are too hungover when you need help on your wedding morning? I wouldn't feel too bad about choosing new ones either... If you have any close friends who you think would be better, why not!
  • If you get rid of them, who will you have?

    Sorry. But if you end up with no one, how will you feel? A few things here:

    1. Ring them, don't text or email. And sometimes do so about their lives, rather than your wedding.

    2. There is every chance the ill relative is very important to your 'friend'. Please allow your BMs to have their own lives. You might be, already, but in case.

    3. You can have a sick relative and a hangover. They are not mutually exclusive. In fact I find the contrary.

    4. If other friends want you to have a hen, and you want one, they will do it regardless.

    5.It does sound childish. Dress em or sack em. Anything else is cutting your nose off to spite your face.

    6. I get married in August. I have 3BMs. One has a new born. Two live away and both of those get married weeks before me. Neither were engaged whenI asked them. I am so happy for them that each 'preoccupied' comment allows me to see that they have lives as well as me. I am so pleased they are my bridesmaids and would still have asken them if they had been conducting stadium pop concerts at the time.

    Sorry if that doesn't help, but sometimes, it does.
  • Talk to them in a jokey way about them pulling their fingers out of their arses. At the end of the day they probably arent making much effort because they are jealous.

    One of my oldest friends has also told me she may not be able to come because she may have a job by then?! I know exactly how you feel and its all very frustrating.

    I have one bridesmaid that loves talking about the wedding and then the other which is my moh who doesnt seem interested at all and is only interested in going travelling which she is doing the month after our wedding. But as soon as i ask my bridesmaid to help with something she is the first one to kick off about not being invited. It's all rather pathetic! x
  • I understand how you feel. I have 4 bridesmaids and at first, non of them paid any interest. My MOH has helped me out with my dress and another has helped me make invitations and I'm really grateful for both of their help although the other two couldnt be less intestested.

    One of them isnt coming on the hen night as she says she cant afford it, yet since then has booked two festivals and is out every weekend and my god I woudl be in serious trouble if I even thought of doing that to her! She is also 'too busy' to come dress shopping, even though seh doesnt work.

    As you say MrsRadcliffe2b, some of it could be down to jealousy. Yes, people do have thier own lives and that is to be respected but I dont think its a lot to ask to want your friends to show a little interest now and then - especially as they meant enough for you to ask them to be bridesmaids!! x

  • I'm sorry, but just from the post here, I have to agree with Cantblinkinwait. If you want to talk about the wedding to someone involved in it, actually talk to them. Don't send them something as impersonal as a text for something that is probably important because they may not register the importance of it.

    They should be allowed to have their own lives. This may be hard to hear, but your wedding isn't going to be nearly as important to them as it is to you.

    I also just want to add that I really don't think it's fair that you feel your friend owes you something because you went to her wedding and spent a fortune. You should have done that out of the kindness of your heart and unconditionally. She probably isn't in the same exact circumstance you were, and you can't honestly expect that just because you went to her wedding she HAS to come to yours.
  • I think that is the most frustrating thing!

    Decent people go to all sorts of lengths to be involved in a friend's wedding, just because that's what friends do. You expect your friends to do the same, not because they owe you but because that's just what friends do. Unfortunately there are a lot of people out there who do not opperate at the same standards as us which means we'll often feel let down.

    I have a friend who is unwilling to pay £140 for a hen weekend away with me, not because she can't afford it, but because she'd prefer not to. This annoys me because I didn't think twice about scraping money together for her hen night, or to travel to Cardiff and stay in a hotel for her wedding even though I was broke and had to take money out of my wedding savings to afford it.

    I don't feel like she owes me as such, just that I'm disappointed she won't go to the same lenghths that I did.

    People are disappointing I'm afraid
  • Nikki_1013, I am sorry but being annoyed about the hen do thing as you state in your above post, is weird. Her money is her own, she can choose to spend it how she likes, and clearly her priorities are different which is fair enough. If you choose to scrimp and save for friends it is your choice also. Don't come over 'holier than thou' ; if I raided wedding savings for a jolly up my h2b would not be pleased. Be disappointed she not coming, if she's your friend and you'll miss her, but judging other people's choices like that is not cool, IMO.
  • Mrs-L-2bMrs-L-2b Posts: 1,702
    I think some people have been a bit harsh in their comments to be fair!!

    I can understand why you feel peed off, but you have to try and understand that some people just arent interested in weddings! Us brides like nothing more than talk about cakes, dresses, flowers etc 24/7 but it does get boring for other people.

    I would still have a hen party. Why dont you arrange it yourself? It doesnt have to be your bridesmaids that arrange it for you?

    I think first things first is you need to talk to them both, perhaps suggest going out or something and go through with them what you need them to do, ie. sort their dresses out and anything else you need them to do. I dont think you should "sack" them just yet though!!

    Hope you get it sorted.


  • Mrs-L-2bMrs-L-2b Posts: 1,702
    I think some people have been a bit harsh in their comments to be fair!!

    I can understand why you feel peed off, but you have to try and understand that some people just arent interested in weddings! Us brides like nothing more than talk about cakes, dresses, flowers etc 24/7 but it does get boring for other people.

    I would still have a hen party. Why dont you arrange it yourself? It doesnt have to be your bridesmaids that arrange it for you?

    I think first things first is you need to talk to them both, perhaps suggest going out or something and go through with them what you need them to do, ie. sort their dresses out and anything else you need them to do. I dont think you should "sack" them just yet though!!

    Hope you get it sorted.


  • I agree with Mrs Lobley. Sorry but I don't think the 'it's her own

    money, she can do what she

    likes with it' really applies when it comes to old mates ans weddings. You can't force someone to spend money they don't have, but it's generally the understanding that you would do for them what they'd do or you. It's not tit for tat, and if you can't do an expensive hen do there are other ways of being there for your mate.

    At the end of the day, it takes two minutes to send a text saying I'm busy so no sorry, I don't buy it. They should be better mates than that. X
  • I certainly didn't intend to come over 'holier than thou' I was merely commenting on the frustration when you go above and beyond for a friend because you believe they would do the same for you and when the opportunity arises they don't. You know it's not cool to throw it back in Their faces, and nor do you want to. it's just ever so disappointing when you realise that they won't do the same for you when it comes down to it.

    I don't believe in being a bridezilla, obviously your wedding means more to you than anyone else, however I do think in the last few days in the run up to your big day you find out who your friends are as the best ones will be nearly as excited about it all as you!
  • Oh no sorry Nikki, it wasn't in relation to your post-I completely understand where you're coming from-I probably didn't word it as succintly! I totally think it's frustrating that for

    some women, they expect their mates to do everything and be their support when times are bad, but when it comes to weddings, they just aren't really there for you. What I meant to say was that it's just really rubbish for Champagne's mates to not acknowledge or reply to a text, whereas some of the other ladies on this post seem to think that's okay. Like I said it takes two mins to text, even of it's to say you're busy.
  • I think i have every right to be annoyed at my friend who promised me as a wedding present that she would film our wedding and now has turned around and said she won't be able to come to the day because she may have a job by then!? Seems like a cop out to me! x
  • I totally agree with you Nikki_1013 - and there should be a meaning to the word 'friend' and when its all one way its upsetting. I would not dream of making any of my friends feel how I have been made to feel by some of them, especially when its come to my wedding.

    Yes its true, nobody will be as interested in your wedding as yourself but I would naturally be interested and excited for my friends if it was the other way round.

    I definately agree you find out who your friends are!
  • August25thAugust25th Posts: 393
    I have a friend who is unwilling to pay ?????£140 for a hen weekend away with me, not because she can't afford it, but because she'd prefer not to

    Nikki, did she actually say she would prefer not to spend the money on your hen do?? If so that is awful, I know everyone has their own lives but come on, she is supposed to be your friend!! Ofcourse you are going to be upset by this behaviour!

    Although without knowing all the facts maybe she needs that money for something else but I hope she has explained or even suggested doing something else with you because she cant make it!!

    I know some people expect a bit much of their friends but I definitely do not think wanting your friends to come to your hen night (unless they have a reason they cant make it) is expecting too much.

    Also to the orgiinal poster, I would say some of the points that Cantblinkinwait said are really good. Def think you should phone or meet up them to discuss things. Emails and txts are no good with things like this! Also the bridesmaid with the ill relative is probably finding things hard and she could just be trying to cope, I think you should speak to her about this relative to make sure she is doing ok.

    Dont cancel your hen night, ask your bridesmaids if they are still organising it, if not then organise it yourself or ask a family member to help you.

    As for the friend who cant afford to take time of work, maybe she cant. I know its disappointing that she wont be coming but not everyone will make it, just focus on the people who are going to come.
  • MrsBtoBe2MrsBtoBe2 Posts: 31
    I think you should speak to them first and see what there issue is! My Bridemaids live far away from me but when I need them for wedding business they are there no questions asked. That's what Bridemaids do.

    If when you speak to them they say that they would prefer not to be one or can't afford to be a Bridesmaid then just let it be and get someone else. Remember you don't need to have Bridesmaids you just need a MOH.

    And also remember as much as us Brides to be could talk about weddings 24/7 and we love it image Other people are not in the mood for it and can be jealous if they aren't near marriage stage or are un happy in their marriage.

    Keeo smiling lovie, you are getting married soon wooo image

  • cebpickle1cebpickle1 Posts: 6,786
    I would invite them both out for a meal, somewhere you can talk, or round to your house and talk through with them that you would really like their help and see where they are up to with the hen do. If neither really can't do it then take it over yourself

    I am organising my own hen do away, I have a couple of friends sorting an evening in at my house. I have one MOH who I know would support me.

    Think about why you picked them as bridesmaids instead, there must be a reason, if they then won't meet with you then don't have them as bridesmaids any more.

    The person who said she might have a job, is the job away, would she have to work on that day? Is it that because it is away she might not be able to attend, while she has offered to do video are you helping with her costs? If not might be worth offering to
  • GrantysMrsGrantysMrs Posts: 252
    I have no advice Im afraid but im seriously considering not having bridesmaids !!
  • I'm entirely in agreement with cantblinkinwait I'm afraid.

    I would love to have a hen do that would cost 140 quid per person, but I'm not going to because I think it's unfair to expect friends who have babies, friends who are in full time education with a mortgage, friends who are saving for a house deposit because they can't get a 90% mortgage to fork out a massive sum like that just for my hen do. Also, re ill people - I've put off my BM's trying dresses on because one of my BMs had a very poorly relative. She quite rightly had other priorities (and so had my MoH who is selling her flat.) I felt I would be completely out of line to expect her to drop her own family commitments for me.

    My wedding is my priority and my h2b's priority, but I do not expect it to be anyone elses. All thats important to me is that all our favourite people will be there to celebrate with us, irrespective of what they've actually done for us in the run up to it. I expect now I'll be seen as being 'holier than thou' too.
  • NowDebbieRNowDebbieR Posts: 306
    I can see some of what cantblinkinwait is saying but I think some of you are being way too harsh here and seemed to have twisted what was originally said.

    My humble opinion is that friendship is a two way thing, I'm not overly interested in everything my friends do of course not but if it is important to them I will always let them gabble away about it, and ask them questions - you don't just have a friend to suit yourself and you should be there for them even if you don't always agree with everything. When I had my hen do one of my friends couldn't afford the £40 to do part of it but because she was my friend and wanted to be there for me, instead she came to the meal part and had a couple of drinks later. That to me is a real friend, someone who made the effort for me. I think asking someone to pay £140 is a bit steep myself and I do think that people aren't always as well off as they seem (we go away every year to lovely places but we save the whole of the year for it and never go out or treat ourselves to anything so we may look rich, but we certainly aren't) BUT I do think a true friend would say something like -I can't afford it but how about you come round after the wedding with all your picture and the wedding dvd and we do something special then' or something along those lines. Plus, if she expected to fork out for her do then I think she is the selfish one for not doing the same, if she is hard up then perhaps she should have remembered that on her own hen do and not asked so much of everyone else, it's a bit mean to take and not do the same in return

    The original poster has also been slated for saying about the ill relative but I don't think you read what she actually said - the person who couldn't come because of it wrote of facebook that the real reason was that she was going out twice on the trot and was just too busy! I personally think someone is pretty low for using an ill relative as an excuse and yes, maybe they needed to let their hair down but if you have the time to get drunk twice, you have time to pick up a dress and I think it is just nasty to write it on fb like she is mocking the bride

    I do think you should phone them to talk about things (I like the idea of the meal) and just ask them outright if they actually want to be bm - not in a nasty way but in a -I know I am asking a lot of you, do you think you have the time..' kind of way. It does just take 2 secs to send a text back though saying sorry I have been busy. I hate bridezillas - people who think the world should revolve around them because they are getting married, but I don't think that is what the original poster is being. My friends mean the world to me and even though I have just lost 2 very important people in my life, I have still found the time to be there for them when they are struggling with their own things and vica versa. That is what a friend should be in my opinion

  • well clearly, reading some of the responses, i seem to be in a minority.

    What annoys me is, i wanted to do something for my hen, which they didnt and they wanted to organise it, so i said, okay, you organise it, i didnt mind where i went, as long as my friends were there. They havent organised anything.

    I wanted them to wear a particular dress, one didnt like it. I want them to be comfortable and theyre keeping them after too, so i brought them something they liked.

    one hasnt even got it altered. I work odd hours to say the least so i cant be there at the week ends when they are off to organise it. Why cant THEY organise it themselves!

    ive bent over backwards to please them and all they have to do is help out a bit. I dont expect 'meetings', i dont talk wedding all the time, in fact they usually bring it up!! im very concsious that noone else is really interested - fine, but at least help me - which they offered to do! but when it comes to actually helping..its all, sorry im hungover, sorry im off doing this..fine, but its been like this for over 2 months! so not only have i got all my stuff to sort, i need to sort their stuff too!

    as for the friend who said 'im sorry but i couldnt possibly afford two days off work' but is going on an all inclusive trip to the other side of the world (which she has paid for!) i think its off. A friend should WANT to be there! I would rather she said, look, ive spent loads on this holiday, but cant afford your wedding now (even though the invite got sent last summer and she booked her holiday in march!)

    anyway, im sure ill get repsonses to this telling me to grow up or stop being holier than thou, but im tired of being there for everyone else, but when i need help....there is noone!
  • Mrs-L-2bMrs-L-2b Posts: 1,702
    You are not in the minority - a lot of us would feel exactly the same. Just people on here have different opinions and unfortunately when you post on here, you have to be prepared to hear those opinions, even if its not what you want to hear!

    As a lot of people have said, you need to talk with your bridesmaids and ask them to sort their dresses out. Discuss your hen party with them, what you would like to do etc and offer to help with the organisation of it.

    I think your friend who cannot come to the wedding is well out of order. Would you class her as a good friend? I would be very upset if this was the response of one of my good friends.

    Your bridesmaids might not realise what they are supposed to be doing. They probably aren't even aware that you are upset. Try and talk to them and see whether this helps. If it doesn't then maybe you have to make the decision whether you still want them by your side on your special day....if its stressing you out and upsetting you, then you need to sort it out.

  • NowDebbieRNowDebbieR Posts: 306
    Sadly it is true that you find out who your true friends are when you get married, one of my very best friends now wasn't really before i set the date but she was so amazing during the build up that we have become really close now.

    Only you know how their comments were said - there is a bit difference between genuinely being really busy and just not being bothered and i think it is out of order to not be there for a friend in the lead up to the big day whether it is your thing or not. Do you not have any sisters or close cousins you could have instead? Usually family is a lot more likely to be there for you when you need them. I hope it gets sorted for you anyway xx
  • Champagne79, clearly this conversation has sparked some debate over what people consider to be acceptable demands on their friends/bridesmaids when it comes to planning your wedding.

    I would say this, if you don't have a someone who will take an active interest in helping you to plan then organising a wedding can feel very daunting! I also had very little help fom my MoH and felt very alone at times, my H2B did what he could but ulimately he wasn't that much help at choosing things like what flowers to use in the centre pieces!!

    Eventually I stopped expecting things that weren't going to happen and started geting help from people who were interested and did want to help. There are presumably people who will be supportive around you, focus on them and let them take the pressure off fo a bit, I'm sure your bridesmaids will sort themselves out in time.

    To everyone else, maybe I am being unreasonable... You've certainly given me pause for thought! However with four and a half weeks (and counting) to go am I not allowed to be just a little?image
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