Am I completely out of order?

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post, and I deperately need an impartial opinion!



I'm getting married on May 30th 2010 (less than 5 weeks!) and I've had a major fall out with my maid of honour.

I asked my best friend who I've known since school to be my MoH about 18 months ago when I got engaged. Since then we've spent very little time together, first she went travelling for three months last summer, and then came back to start University, where I work. We met up a couple of times, but she was very busy with Uni and a new boyfriend. Then at Christmas she went away for a month, and when she came back she wouldn't answer her phone or reply to text messages for over two months. I had to buy her bridesmaid dress without her input as I couldn't get her to come shopping with me. I have since had to buy her accessories as she cancelled our several planned shopping trips. Eventually she told me that she had broken up with the boyfriend and didn't want to think about weddings.



Everytime we have made plans since then she either cried off sick or told me she was busy with Uni work, however facebook suggests she spends alot of time out drinking. Even when she'd cancelled to come to my dress fitting.



The last straw came last week when I found out that she's done nearly nothing about organising my hen party which is supposed to be a weekend away next weekend.



We had a bit of an argument via email where I asked her if she still wanted to be involved and she has since then deleted me from facebook.



Am I unreasonable to have expected more from her when she clearly has a lot going on?

Posts

  • clareymukclareymuk Posts: 93
    I think I'd feel the same in your position. If any of my freinds asked me to be MOH I would be so honoured and would be so excited for them and help them with their plans - sounds like your freind has done nothing!

    She may have other things going on in her life but surely she has time for the odd shopping trip?! Getting married is a big thing, id expect more support?!

    Why has she deleted you from facebook, sounds a bit drastic!



    One of my bridesmaids hasnt even asked to see my engagemnt ring yet or asked me anything about my plans - so i know how u feel! x
  • If anyone is out of order its your MOH. She obviously isn't interested and too self centred to help you.

    xx
  • NowMrsT62011NowMrsT62011 Posts: 2,580
    I'm not in aggreement with the idea that a BM or MoH has to be at a brides beck and call but I do that you are reasonable to expect her to go on a couple of shopping trips for dresses and accessories etc and to show a fair amount of interest in the wedding plans so yes I do think you are right to be a bit annoyed about this. Her behaviour sounds a little strange as you say you have known each other a long time- has something happened to make her distant? Deleting you off facebook is quite extreme? I suggest you pick up the phone and have a conversation about what is going on and see if this can be sorted you need to know if she is still involved or not. Good luck
  • I think you need to talk to her, her behaviour is out of order, maybe she's jealous?! Talk it through and see what she has to say for herself, tell her how important it is to you for her to be part of your day, Good luck!
  • Thanks for your messages guys. I've been feeling like the guilty party all weekend! Unfortunately she won't answer my phone calls, text messages or emails at the moment so I'm at a complete loss as to how to sort this out. At the moment I'm thinking about cutting my loses and promoting my sister to MoH. There is still so much to do and I need help from somewhere, esp. if I want to have a hen party at all!
  • you're not out of order at all.. i would definately promote your sister to MOH, what kind of friend can't be happy/excited for you in the run up to your wedding?

    a girl who i was best friends with at school for years hasnt spoken to me properly for a few months for no reason at all, and a few weeks ago she text me when she was very drunk saying sorry but its because she is jealous of engagement etc.. havent really heard from her since, it really upset me at first but fine now, but sounds like this girl could def have jealousy issues too..

    i would stop trying to phone her if i was you as it sounds like she's not too bothered about how you are feeling.

    why should you be making all this effort when she's going to delete you off facebook and ignore ur texts/calls?. she could at least tell you what it is that has upset her so much and be decent about it if she doesnt want to b involved.

    im sure u cud sort somethin for a hen party without her help image
  • MrsH-tobeMrsH-tobe Posts: 76
    Hi Nikki_1013



    It's a really difficult one. Although it wasn't wedding related- a year ago I fell out with one of my best friends from school. It was over something silly where I felt she'd let me down- which she had. Anyway- I told her I felt let down, she reacted really badly and we fell out.



    Anyway- sorry that's a really long story but my point is just that now I am planning my own wedding I would love her to be involved (I was her bridesmaid 4 years ago) but we've just left it too long and I don't think we'll be friends as close as we were again.



    I wished we hadn't left things so long- and although I now still think she was in the wrong I wish I'd just sucked it up and made things up as I suspect there was more going on in her life that I was probably too self involved to realise.



    Give her a little time and then try and make contact- I know you say she's not taking your calls etc but write her a letter if need be- she will read it or go around to see her in person.



    Try and make up- if you've been friends a long time you will regret not having her there at your big day.



  • MrsH-tobeMrsH-tobe Posts: 76
    Hi Nikki_1013



    It's a really difficult one. Although it wasn't wedding related- a year ago I fell out with one of my best friends from school. It was over something silly where I felt she'd let me down- which she had. Anyway- I told her I felt let down, she reacted really badly and we fell out.



    Anyway- sorry that's a really long story but my point is just that now I am planning my own wedding I would love her to be involved (I was her bridesmaid 4 years ago) but we've just left it too long and I don't think we'll be friends as close as we were again.



    I wished we hadn't left things so long- and although I now still think she was in the wrong I wish I'd just sucked it up and made things up as I suspect there was more going on in her life that I was probably too self involved to realise.



    Give her a little time and then try and make contact- I know you say she's not taking your calls etc but write her a letter if need be- she will read it or go around to see her in person.



    Try and make up- if you've been friends a long time you will regret not having her there at your big day.



  • fraggle11fraggle11 Posts: 1,683
    She deleted you??? Erm, and YOU feel bad?!

    I disagree with Mrsh-tobe - you don't have time. First off, you have your hen do planned for next weekend which you need to get sorted. Why should this suffer because your "friend" has had a hissy fit?? Forget about her for now and recruit some other friends to get this sorted asap.



    As for her, after pulling a childish stunt like that and ignoring me, she would not be MOH. She is supposed to be with you, not against you. But whether you continue to indulge her is obviously your decision hun.



    Friends are odd aren't they??

    A very old friend feel out with me at my engagement party. Apparently she was furious she hadn't been asked to be BM, spent most of the crying, locked my MOH in the toilet screaming in her face. (i was oblivious, the girls did a very good job of keeping her away from me)

    When we got back to our apartment, she went mad, kicked my bedroom door in, cornered MOH again in the kitchen laying into her and when h2b's friend and usher stepped in she tried to attack him.

    She had to be thrown out.

    h2b and i went on hols for 10 days just afterwards and i honestly thought i would hear from her so she could apologise, but nothing. When i got home i discovered that she too had deleted all of us from FB and i've never heard from her again!!!! image

  • I think she is out of order. Even accounting for her having a bad time or being jealous of your impending marriage, if she's an adult she should talk to you about how she feels and not just ignore your or treat you badly. Replace her with someone who is an adult and will be there for you. Good luck image
  • Oh hon, I totally empathise. The thing is it's tricky with school mates because you allow them to get away with stuff you neevr would with newer friends. A mate of mine was saying how it's because when you're young you don't really set any boundaries but obviously the older you get you formulate your own ideas of what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't. Your mate just doesn't sound like she's there for you and whether that's because she's got stuff going on in her life or she's jealous - who really gives a crap? If she can't put aside her own stuff to support you (in what really is a once-in-a-lifetime time), then she's a crappy friend.



    At the end of the day your wedding is imminent, and any mate worth their salt will realise you have enough going on without having to chase her for answers. Even more selfish is her refusal to answer your calls as she knows you'll be worrying about it.



  • Situation update, I promoted my sister to MoH which she excitedly accepted, hopefully by the weekend a new Hen plan will be in place and I can start sleeping again!



    Unforunately I don't think there is anything to salvage of our friendship after this image
  • cebpickle1cebpickle1 Posts: 6,786
    Glad your sister has stepped up to it, if she won't answer your calls there is not much you can do, except you need to check if she is actually coming to the wedding and in what capacity
  • Man, what is it with crappy school friends! It's really sad actuallt because you think that these people are going to be a really big part of your wedding day and they just aren't! Don't worry too much - I reckon it'll be fairly easy to organise a fab hen do (even if it is at short notice!) and at least with your sister you can feel more relaxed and know that she won't be ignoring your calls. Sorry you're going through this hun - it's a shame and not fair on you at all. One of my mates said something very true which is that because you have to make certain decisions at weddings, it puts emphasis and pressure on some of your closest relationships. If your mate is being this crap about it now, better you know how loyal she is/how important she thinks your friendship is, before you end up being 50 and wanting to hit her with a teapot.
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