Motherless Bride :o(


My mum died when i was 19 (i'm 27 now) and i'm getting married in 7 weeks. It wasn't until yesterday, when i was at another wedding, that it really hit me that mum won't be at our wedding and i want to do something to remember her, but i'm not sure what.

I think i didn't think about it that much because i've not had a mum for my whole adult life so i've gotten used to it, i did wonder if i'd get upset when dress shopping but i didn't.

I think i want someone to say something during the toasts, but i'm not sure who, it feels wrong the best man saying something as he never met my mum. I've asked my dad to make a speech, but we're not tht close and it feels wrong him saying something as they divorced when i was 2, and i think my step mum mught have something to say about it!! Could my partner, even though he never met her? Not sure i could do it, think i'd cry!!

Also, what else could i do to remember her? We're having a 'memory table' of pictures of us as a couple and as kids, would it be inappropriate to have a picture on that? And/or a poem she wrote?

I've done an internet search and there's suggestions of empty seats for them, but that seems a bit wierd to me. And as she died when i was so young i'm not sure i know what her favorite flowers are etc......

Any advice would be fab, thank you!



  • vanessahusbandvanessahusband Posts: 1,077
    Hi cheesecake, I have heard of a few good ideas to remember loved ones. I lost my Grandad last year so I'll be doing a couple of things to remember him. Some people put a photo inside their bouquet so it's like they're walking them down the aisle. My h2b and I will be lighting a candle during the ceremony in remembrance of my Grandad, and I'll also be putting his favourite drink on the bar. I heard that one from someone on here and thought it was lovely.

    With regards to the speech, I'm making a speech myself in which I'll mention my Grandad. I really want to share a couple of things he said to me which I've never forgotten, and didn't really want anyone else to mention them. I don't know how confident you would be in giving a speech but I think that may be the best solution! I don't think it'd be inappropriate to have a couple of photos of her on your memory table either, it'd be lovely. Xx
  • shellbob73shellbob73 Posts: 3,152
    Oh hun this must be awful for you. I'm so lucky to still have both parents so don't have an answer for you I'm afraid.

    However my SIL (married to my husbands brother)lost her mum at 14 years of age and it was her brother who mentioned their mum in his speech. He didn't speak too long about her, if memory serves he thanked her and talked about how proud she would be. It was very moving and most people had a tear in their eye.

    Do you have any siblings who could say a few words? Or a cousin , Aunt, Uncle or close family friend (basically anyone who knew your mum)? The thing to remember is that with weddings these days the formalities of years ago no longer apply - anyone can make a speech or say a few words at any point, including yourself if you wanted to.

    I have also heard of people lighting candles (you can get special memory candles with engraved holders) or releasing balloons. Also you could maybe wear a piece of jewellery that belonged to her or something that reminds you of her. Maybe a locket with her picture in it?

    I've also read of people taking the bouquet to the grave (or memory garden etc) after the wedding.

  • Cheesecake20Cheesecake20 Posts: 125
    Thanks so much for your advice, some great ideas and i think i've found something i'd like to do... I've had a root through my stuff and found a lovely picture of us which i think i'm frame and add to the memory table, and i've found an old birthdya card she gave me with a lovely poem she wrote. My mum often wrote poems and i found one, which i think i'll print out and frame too.......

    Mummy isn't always right.

    In fact she's often wrong.

    That's because she's sometimes tired,

    not feeling very strong.

    She has a lot of aches and pains,

    which build up through the day,

    making her bad tempered,

    then her niceness goes away.

    And that's when she gets grumpy,

    and the devil takes her tongue,

    and makes it say all nasty things,

    to her beloved Little One.

    She's writing this to you today

    because she's feeling sad,

    about the way she treated you,

    and you weren't even bad!

    Will you please forgive your Mummy?

    -cause she loves you such a lot.

    You are the only precious thing

    in this world that she's got.

    She's proud of you and loves you so,

    and from now on - will try,

    to treat you kindly every day,

    and always have a smile.

    So if she forgets and starts again.

    Just quietly get out this letter.

    To remind her very gently,

    she must treat her Baby better.

    Do you think that's ok?? I know she's apologising for shouting at me, but it had a lot of love in it, plus her saying she's proud of me, which'll mean alot.

    Not sure about the speeches, i'm not close to my family so most of them aren't invited, and i don't trust my sister to do it (she's an alcoholic). But, i've found an old cd mum gave me, maybe we could play that and i'll dance with my partner??

    Sorry this is so long, all these emotions have appeared from nowhere!! x
  • char2609ukchar2609uk Posts: 1,539
    That is a lovely poem, could you maybe write a response to it to also put on the table.. a little poem of your own to recognise how you're feeling at the moment?

  • Cheesecake20Cheesecake20 Posts: 125
    Thanks so much, i'm feeling better now, especially as i've 'done' some planning for how we can include mum in the wedding.

    I've spoken to my H2B, he's going to include a toast in his speech, found a lovely picture of us for the memory table and i'm going to print out the poem and frame it for the memory table as well. Feeling much more positive now, although i'm sure they'll be some tears on the day, waterproof mascara!!

    Thanks ladies x
  • MiniMissAmyMiniMissAmy Posts: 154
    Cheesecake, reading that poem just made me fill up! It's so beautiful, she had a great way with words.

    For my wedding next year, I've so far thought of the following way to remember my maternal grandparents (lost my gran last year and my grandad when I was 10) as I was very close to them, they helped my mum a lot in bringing me up. At the end of the top table, I am hoping to have a pink candle (theme is black, white and hot pink and the centrepieces will be white candles) and next to the candle I'm planning to have a glass of tia maria and a glass of whisky (the only alcoholic drinks they indulged in, always at birthdays and Xmases) along with a photo of the 3 of us from when I was a toddler.

    I think it's a really lovely thing to have something there for them, to remember them, not that they are ever really far from your thoughts. xx
  • charis7997charis7997 Posts: 64
    Hey Cheesecake,

    It was good to read your post as I'm in a similar position and it's great to hear everyone's ideas.

    My dad has never been in the picture and my mum died when I was 25 (I'm 30 now). I've been getting a bit upset lately when doing all the wedding planning and not having her here.

    I've got my brother giving me away (he's 19), and then my best friend, who is also Chief Bridesmaid, is doing the speech that the father of the bride would normally do. Her stepmum was one of my mum's best friends, and she knew her really well too, so she's going to say some things about my mum. I know I'm going to be wailing!

    I think I'm also going to wear a locket with my mum's photo on one side and my gran on the other (she died 3 months after my mum), and I think I'm going to take my bouquet to the Garden of Remembrance at the crematorium the next day (that's where my mum's ashes were scattered and we have a plaque up there for her).

    Hope your day goes perfectly for you, and I'm sure your mum will be with you in spirit. image

  • As a motherless bride, I've been moved in talking/reading about others and how all our experiences share similar struggles. Last year, I publish this book/ creative journal to help others who are struggling through the grief that wedding planning can bring up. My hope is that you find the journal to be uplifting, inspirational and above all a comforting guide during this sacred celebration that can also bring up a lot of sadness.


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