Strange request from bridesmaid

Hey, I'm getting married in august 2012 and so far things are going nice & smoothly. I've had a few problems already with 1 of my 2 bridesmaids (such as her saying she was planning to go home the night of my wedding which really shocked me), but I'm feeling a bit confused again tonight as my other bridesmaid (slightly closer friend) has asked something really strange: out of the blue she just said 'I have a favour to aska nd its about the wedding'.. and was asking if her dad (who's quite protective of her) could come to the grounds when we're having photos (not be included as a guest) but just stand there and watch!!! ... so he gets to see her being a bridesmaid. I said no and was quite straight with her and although she doesnt seem bothered by my refusal i'm still feeling a bit upset by it all and don't know if i'm going too over the top? Why can't she be on her own for one night at her best friend's wedding! she doesn't seem to see the peculiarity of it at all!! I just hope there aren't many more stresses like this... anyone got any comments about this situation? Thanks xxx
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  • Question, how old is the bridesmaid that wants her dad there?



    On the back of your answer I'll give you another reply image
  • dusty676dusty676 Posts: 185
    Personally I can't see why your getting upset. Why is it a problem if your bridesmaid goes home after the wedding, its not as though you were planning to spend the night with her. As for your other bridesmaids Dad wanting to come and see her being a bridesmaid so long as he doesn't get in the way of the wedding party then he shouldn't be a problem. Maybe he wants to take a few pics himself, i'm assuming if she's a close friend that you know him as well.
  • DuddersDudders Posts: 1,659 New bride
    Tbh he probably just wants to see his little girl be a bridesmaid - my mum may be the same about me for all I know as I'm unlikely to ever be one, and if I were to be, she might feel like she's missing out otherwise!



    Also is there a chance he thinks she might not get married, and this is the closest he'll get to seeing her like this? In a way it doesn't sound like that weird a request, quite probably he's just a proud parent. My mum asked that I invite my sister's partner's parents to our wedding so they could see their grandchildren involved in a wedding as she thinks my sister may never get married.



    From the way I read it, she hasn't been off with you for saying no, so don't sweat it. There'll probably be dozens more weird and wonderful ... and downright annoying requests, pressures and demands to come, so don't waste time worrying about itimage
  • I don't find the request from your bridesmaid weird at all! If she is very close 2 her dad then maybe it is actually her that wants her dad there 2 c her done up as a bridesmaid! Personally I wouldn't have a problem with that! And as above, if she's that good a friend then do u know her dad?

    Not all my bridesmaids are staying at my venue the night of my wedding, and I have no problem with that either. Sorry
  • mrsrhmrsrh Posts: 433
    I think that realising you may get some strange requests may help you to toughen up as to have a quick response as to what you will and won't put up with - family will certainly have or bring up issues along the way ! You'll need to realise that whilst you are focused upon your special day, everyone else isn't so trying to expect too much from anyone will cause you more anguish than them - my parents left my reception at 8pm (too tired !) when we only married at 2.45pm (they only turned up at my house at 2pm!!!) and when i turned up back at my house the following morning, they'd drank all the wine in my fridge !!!!



    As for your bridesmaids, is it possible to say that her dad is welcome to the ceremony and photo's only? Do you know him? Why does he want to take the pics? And why do you feel funny about it? Does he tend to go everywhere with her?

    The other girl - what time is she looking at leaving? If it's 7 or 8pm, then i can understnad that you'll be a bit miffed as to the early departure (is there a reasonable answer as to why?) but if it's 9/10pm onwards i wouldn't worry. To be honest with you, once the ceremony/official bits are out of the way, it's all just a case of celebrating it all with your guests.
  • In my last wedding (not a first timer!) we went to the grounds of a large country estate, as we had been married in an awful registry office (I mean the room and building was bad), to have some photos taken. I noticed a car parked up with a couple sat in it and afterwards my oldest friend had told me it was her parents who had known me since a child and hadn't been invited but had just wanted to see me in my dress. I felt awful, if I'd known it was them I would have asked them to join us.

    I realise this may be slightly different with regards to your relationship with your BM's dad, but he's only asking to stand in the grounds, not join in or come into the venue.

    Personally, I'd re-evaluate your response.

    As for the BM who is going home, my sister is a BM/giving me away and she's going home. It's no big deal.
  • I've got to say I don't think these are things to stress about at all!



    if one Bm wanting to go home the night of the wedding, and the other wanting her dad to be there so he can see her being a BM is the biggest of your worries then you are doing very well! There is no reasons to make issues when there aren't any.



    Maybe your Bridesmaid doesn't feel she can spare the expense of staying the night. I think people forget that weddings can be expensive things for the BMs too! They often these days for for their own dress and/or shoes, pay to go on expensive hen weekends, buy the bride and groom a gift, get to the wedding and then paying about £100 to stay at the venue if not more, it is a lot to ask when it isn't actually their wedding.



    Like the others have said you will have much bigger issues to deal with this as it gets closer to the wedding, and unless you want to have a mental breakdown you have to be careful about what you get stressed out about.
  • I think you have had a serious over-reaction and you're lucky your bridesmaid is still your friend...seriously?
  • I dont think what she has asked is strange either. There is nothing wrong with her request at all. My 25 year old bmaids asked if their mums could come to the church and I thought that was fine. Also, out of my six adult bmaids only one stayed the night
  • Unless he has done something to make you not want him there...I don't find the request odd in the slightest. If anything its charming. Secondly, your bridesmaid not staying the night isnt a massive issue. You will have your new husband!!! I think sometimes stress can make us brides make the tiniest thing an issue. The day is about you and your husband. Nothing else really matters image
  • I agree with the other ladies. Sounds like he just wants to see her all dressed up! And I dont think my bridemaids are staying over at my venue, its quite expensive and they are both students!
  • I think it sounds like the OP has deeper concerns about this than him just being an extra guest, she has said he is over protective, it sounds as though he wants to "keep an eye on her" and maybe the OP just wants her BM to have a day off from her dad?? Just my take on it.



    Was your BM ok with you saying no? If so then you probably did the right thing, but if she was upset you may have to back down. I know it's your day but you don't want an unhappy BM! Altho if it would make her uncomfortable to be watched then stick to your guns.
  • FloFlo Posts: 432
    My BM who is 35 and has 2 kids and moved out of her parents house at 15 has asked if her parents can come - I didn't find it strange, they just want to see her looking all glammed-up and she is very proud to be my BM.



    I think when we start planning weddings it's sometimes easy to get focussed on what our special day means to us, and not what that day can mean to other people.



    If you are concerned that her father is too over-protective though maybe you could actually invite him to the ceremony and then you would have control over it; e.g. He stays for the ceremony then has to go home, that way he gets to see his daughter doing her special job, but doesn't interfere with her fun later on.
  • Go home as opposed to what? Staying at your venue?
  • I think if he wants to see her as bm and looking all lovely for your wedding i wouldn't have a problem.

    however if he wants to come just to keep an eye on her i would say no too. there is over protective and and then just plain wierd. sorry if that offends anyone.

    my bms parents will be coming to my evening reception because thay have watched me grow up with my bm and they are lovely.

    how long have you been friends with your bm, what's her age, do you know her dad well?.
  • lohan85lohan85 Posts: 185
    I don't think it's a strange request to want to see your daughter as a bridesmaid. I have invited my MOH grandma to the wedding because her parents live in another country but I know it would mean a lot to her grandma to see her (and me image ) If they lived over here I would have invited them. My h2b had invited his best man's parents to the wedding because again it would mean a lot to them to see their son as BM.
  • I think a lot of us are guilty of "It's my wedding and I want it this way" - myself included. There are somethings you just have to let go of and just think - it won't ruin my day, so why am I bothered?
  • My best friend is giving me away as i lost my dad last year.



    I have known his parents a long time but it felt like a nice thing do to invite them. Its going to be a big day for him too. We are going on the stance that although its 'our' big day, its also a big day for other people too.



    Im a bit confused abut why its a problem your bridesmaid doesnt stay over? If shes going to leave really early i get that, but not actually staying at the venue isnt really an issue is it?



    I just ask myself when things crop up.. is this going to make me any less happy on the day? Will it affect my day in anyway?

    xx
  • one of my bridesmaids is going home and not staying at the venue. she lives about 10 mins from our venue and is single so she can't see the point in staying in a hotel. i'm totally fine with that and have no problem with it. Her parents are invited to the evening anyways so that they can see her all dressed up and looking lovely. i'd love to invite them to the day but we're really tight on numbers to the point that we're thinking of making it 'adults only' as kids take up too many numbers!
  • cebpickle1cebpickle1 Posts: 6,786
    I don't think strange at all, my MOH mum drove 50 miles each way to come to the church for my wedding to see her and me she said dressed up, I said she was welcome to the ceremony but she chose not to. She even turned down her husband taking her to a Christmas concert so she could come.



    A lot of the villagers were going to come and sit in the church to watch the wedding as hubby has lived here all his life, but some didn't in the end due to snow. That was stranger to me but wasn't going to stop them



    In regards to the BM not staying over it is not a big deal, you can only expect it if you are paying, if they are paying while it is nice it isn't an essential part of the role
  • Like everyone else, I don't see a problem with either of these things.



    As long as he isn't lurking around in the bushes watching, then i think it is fine for him to want to see his daughter being bridesmaid.



    As for the other BM going home after the wedding, why do you have a problem with this?



    Perhaps there are some underlying issues you haven't mentioned in your original post?
  • I was a bridesmaid for a friend last year, and my sister and aunt both came to watch us arrive at the church... I didn't even ask am I a bad person?!
  • RowenaFWRowenaFW Posts: 2,078
    I don't care how overprotective the father is, if he was motivated by protective instincts he would want to be there to see what happened in the evening (i.e. aren't bridesmaids often hit upon?) not the photographs. He may well be the most insanely overprotective person imaginable, but I don't think this has anything to do with his request, and wanting to see his daughter in this role is fairly expliable and understandable in itself! I don't find it strange, and clearly most other women don't. I really cannot for the life of me understand why you turned the request down. I would have invited him to ceremony!



    Also, why do you expect your bridesmaid to stay over the night? I mean, it's expensive, and it's not like she'll be with you, is it now? In fact, the expectation that she should stay over strikes me as very very strange! Allow her to make her own decisions based on her own finances and what she would find fun and convenient!!!
  • SLD12SLD12 Posts: 179
    I was bridesmaid for my best mate last year and I couldn't stay due to the cost of the venue. That didn't make me a bad person, it was just that I couldn't afford to spend £200 for one night! If your bridesmaid can't stay, the most sensible suggestion for it is financial, not the fact that she doesn't love you to pieces

    xx
  • Who wouldn't want to see there daughter all done up and looking beautiful? I think it's a perfectly reasonable request, what harm would it do?



    Also just to add, on the night I absoloutely would not have noticed who had gone home as I was having a ball. I'm sure she has he reasons for leaving earlier. You honeslty will not notice there will be so much going on!
  • None of my family or bridesmaids stayed at our venue. I didn't even notice. We were too busy saying goodbye to everyone and enjoying our evening.

    This willl be the least of your worries about your BMs dad coming along! There will be much bigger issues in the lead up to the wedding. Weddings would be easier to plan if there were no guests!!

    One of my friends is single and although she knows everyone she asked if her mum could come to the church to see me get married. It didn't bother me because I was too busy at the time!

    If you are getting married in a church why don't you see if your BMs dad wants to sit at the back, I bet he would like that. if no church then let him take a few photos - it will mean a lot to him.
  • All of my bridesmaids parents are invited to the wedding because I am friendly with them and I thought it would be nice for them to see their daughters all dressed up but even if they werent I wouldnt have minded them coming to see the pictures getting taken. You dont mention anything about this girl's mum wanting to come is she not around? Is it the fact that its just her dad that wants to come thats making you think its strange?

    My bms can stay at the venue if they like but I wont be offended if they dont, especially as 3 of them have kids and I know how hard it can be for them to get a babysitter.

    I think unless there are reasons behind you getting upset about these things then you are overreacting a bit x
  • As far as I know none of our guests are staying at venue, and my bridesmaids and the best man will be leaving after the 1st dance too (bridesmaids are kids and best man is their dad!) As they have to get back to London that night.



    H2bs aunt is also leaving early - after the meal, as she's elderly and frail, again I don't see the issue with it.



    I think you have to let the 'small stuff' go, or you will drive yourself mad by the time the wedding comes round.
  • finntyfinnty Posts: 10
    Personally I'd be more shocked if I was your bridesmaid and you said no! I agree with most of the girls that you are over-reacting (sorry to be so blunt). Unless you have a serious problem with your BM's father then you are really being unreasonable. As for the other BM not staying at the venue on the night of the wedding, what's so unusual about that?
  • Thanks everyone for your comments, I've spoken to people who think differently but I appreciate your opinions.. Its tricky to explain these things on the internet, there's other issues connected that I didn't mention such as my bridesmaid/best friend is 22 and her dad has said nasty things about me in the past.. and other points such as the bridesmaid not staying is only a problem because the wedding isn't where she lives its an hour away, so getting the train home at 9pm that night like she wants to may not be easy as I just want her to stay till the end, thats all image xxx
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