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Absolutely gutted.. My mum won't support us getting married!

My h2b and I got engaged in July, and while my mum was happy for us (my h2b asked for her permission beforehand) she was concerned that we wouldn't have enough money to buy a house and get married in 12 months and that I'm too young (even though she got married at the same age I'll be).



My h2b arranged to meet my mum last weekend to talk about the wedding as he knew her lack of support was upsetting me, and came away from the meeting quite positive that she'd be more supportive in the near future,



But this evening my mum finally revealed her true feelings and said that she'd categorically not support us if we decide to get married next year.



She said my h2b is forcing me to get married (he is 100% not), I'm too young and immature (everyone knows I'm the most boring and emotionally stable person ever) and she wished she's never given me money as now I'm using it on something she doesnt agree with (my mum gave me a few thousand pounds to use on uni, a car, getting a house or getting married when I was 18 but I saved instead of spending it).



I cannot tell you how gutted I am. My mum and I have always been so close, and for her to say she won't support me in what is one of the most important days of my life is absolutely heart wrenching!



I just don't know what to do now! Do I carry on with what we've already planned but do it without her support, or do I go with what she wants so I can have my mum there?

Posts

  • I think you need to have no contact with your mom for a while to digest it all and allow her some time to think about what she actually means.



    There are two possible reasons for this and only you know the truth:



    Being a young bride is a scary thing, maybe your Mom is just trying to be protective and stop you making a mistake? I've always been mature for my age, and I got married at 25, but no matter how mature you are getting married is a challenge! Maybe she is trying to protect you?



    Or maybe its her issue, not yours, and she needs a kick up the a*se and to get over it. If she got married at the same age and had a bad experience she may think she's doing what I said before but it might really be her own issues or bitterness be clouding it.



    Like I said, only you know the truth, so have some space and think it over. It will all work out in the end but big hugs in the mean time xx
  • I am 23 and when I first spoke to my Mum about getting married she was dead against it so we delayed engagement and when we did announce it she was much better. I wouldn't say she was delighted but no scenes caused. Try not to worry, I'm sure she will come around.
  • RowenaFWRowenaFW Posts: 2,078
    Oh god, sorry to hear this. My mum isn't exactly supportive either, but as I said on the Young Brides thread, she's not resisting it, just standing off, like she can't approve but I "will do thing my way".



    It's sometimes hard for a mother, especially when close to her daughter, to see her "grow up too soon" or make "different choices" and it might be a long time before your mother comes to terms with what you're doing, so I wouldn't delay the wedding, although I would tone down wedding talk/plans with her so that she doesn't feel snubbed or unacknowledged.



    Has she said she doesn't want to go, or will she just remain begrudging.



    The comment about your H2B forcing you into it may arise from hypersensitivity towards anything negative associated with your choice - because she feels it's wrong. For example, my mum asked my fiance why he wanted to marry me, and during the conversation he said he would like to "keep me forever" and this got her back up (though she didn't say it then) and she ranted about it days later because it showed he was "possessive", when in fact he was trying to word something difficult under an unexpected grilling and didn't mean to be offensive! Luckily my mum is an intelligent woman and acknowledged that even though it still upset her.
  • GemjemGemjem Posts: 270
    when i first announced my engagement and started setting dates my dad was not best please. He point blank told me he wasn't happy about it and even had a little rant. It wasn't that he didn't like my fiance or anything, he just wanted me to 'own' my own home first (We're in a similar situation to you with saving up for a house)

    i tried to explain that we aren't spending tens of thousands of pounds so we still have enough money being saved for both our house saving pot and our wedding pot.(im a student still atm so can get a mortgage anyway until i qualify)



    Anyways... everytime anyone brought up the wedding or i tried to talk about it to him he would just rant about it and tell everyone 'his feelings on the matter'. I got so upset, and it slowly built up until one day i gave him an ultimatum. I told him that this wedding was going to go ahead and it was going to be one of those most important days of my life. i would love for him to be involved but if he isn't going to be there for me and be supportive then i didn't want him there. If he wasn't happy for me he wasn't welcome, end of. It was difficult as i hate the thought of speaking to him like that as we are so close, but from then on he shut up, and now its only six months away, hes the one helping me pick things and organize things!!



    What i am trying to say is you need to stand your ground, you cant let your mother ruin your wedding. Im not saying be confrontational or anything (i just kind of exploded)but i think these kind of things can be difficult for our parents ( especially for us 'young brides' and maybe she just needs time and maybe pointing out that she can either suck it up and be a part of your day, or regret it for the rest of her life.



    Sorry for the essay! i just know what it feels like with an non-supportive parent
  • NowMrsMackNowMrsMack Posts: 2,535
    Thanks for all your replies.



    We haven't been speaking openly about the wedding with her as we didn't want her to feel awkward as we knew she wasn't over the moon about it, but we felt like we should bring up the subject because we want her to be involved and we were hoping to send out save the date cards in the next few week.



    I can totally understand her concerns, as they are all valid, but we wouldn't be taking on all this unless we knew we could do it.



    Luckily I'm away from home this weekend so we've got a bit of space to think things over, but we still live together while I'm saving up for a house with my h2b. So it'll be back to square one on Sunday evening!



    I'm just totally gutted. image
  • NowMrsMackNowMrsMack Posts: 2,535
    Quoted:
    when i first announced my engagement and started setting dates my dad was not best please. He point blank told me he wasn't happy about it and even had a little rant. It wasn't that he didn't like my fiance or anything, he just wanted me to 'own' my own home first (We're in a similar situation to you with saving up for a house)

    i tried to explain that we aren't spending tens of thousands of pounds so we still have enough money being saved for both our house saving pot and our wedding pot.(im a student still atm so can get a mortgage anyway until i qualify)



    Anyways... everytime anyone brought up the wedding or i tried to talk about it to him he would just rant about it and tell everyone 'his feelings on the matter'. I got so upset, and it slowly built up until one day i gave him an ultimatum. I told him that this wedding was going to go ahead and it was going to be one of those most important days of my life. i would love for him to be involved but if he isn't going to be there for me and be supportive then i didn't want him there. If he wasn't happy for me he wasn't welcome, end of. It was difficult as i hate the thought of speaking to him like that as we are so close, but from then on he shut up, and now its only six months away, hes the one helping me pick things and organize things!!



    What i am trying to say is you need to stand your ground, you cant let your mother ruin your wedding. Im not saying be confrontational or anything (i just kind of exploded)but i think these kind of things can be difficult for our parents ( especially for us 'young brides' and maybe she just needs time and maybe pointing out that she can either suck it up and be a part of your day, or regret it for the rest of her life.



    Sorry for the essay! i just know what it feels like with an non-supportive parent


    Thank you so much for your reply.. This has really given me something to think about (in a good way)!
  • Aw this sucks!



    Could you sit down and have a heart to heart with her and explain how upset its making you not to have her support, and you would lover her to help out?

    Do you think she would get excited closer to the time?



    I agree its a lot to plan and its expensive to get married and buy a house but Im 25 and h2b is 32 and we still cant afford a house, and we dont want to wait forever!
  • NowMrsMackNowMrsMack Posts: 2,535
    Quoted:
    Aw this sucks!



    Could you sit down and have a heart to heart with her and explain how upset its making you not to have her support, and you would lover her to help out?

    Do you think she would get excited closer to the time?



    I agree its a lot to plan and its expensive to get married and buy a house but Im 25 and h2b is 32 and we still cant afford a house, and we dont want to wait forever!


    I tried to tell her all this this evening, and my h2b told her last weekend.



    My mum is super stubborn though, so although she may be excited nearer the time, it won't be till I move out that she'll give the lack of support up.
  • I like what Bubbah-J has said. I find it quite difficult to say anything potentially usetting/offensive to my mum as we are close but I think if I was in your shoes I might end up doing what Bubbah suggested.



    I really hope she changes her mind. Your h2b sounds like he is very supportive which will help.
  • NowMrsMackNowMrsMack Posts: 2,535
    My h2b is amazing, and although he's gutted as well, he just wants everyone to be happy we are getting married!
  • I can see where your Mum is coming from here as I have older kids. The problem with your mum being so negative towards things is she has first hand experience on how tough it was getting wed young and buying a house. I have done it myself and I would be upset if one of my kids wanted to marry now due to the fact I don't want my babies to struggle as I did. I know you see she is doing wrong but in reality its because she loves you so much and wants your younger years to be better than hers. I did all the things you are wanting to do and then had a baby very young too and looking back I wish I did things different. However Im now very happy with a beautiful home and happy gorgeous kids who mean the world to me but Im just starting to live a fuller life now unlike some who had it years ago. On the plus side Im now acting like a 20yr old while my friends are sat in with baby's.



    Just have a chat to your Mum and explain that your a big girl and she is your mentor and has done things well so why will you be any different. You are learning from the best tell her and that should help her see why you want it so much x
  • DuddersDudders Posts: 1,659 New bride
    Hi mrs mack,



    You haven't mentioned your dad's reaction which kind of made me wonder if he's in your day to day life to give a reaction? Ie did things not work out for your parents?



    My sincerest apologies if I've completely missed the mark, but if it were the case that may be the reason your mum isn't being supportive?



    I think you need to be up front with her, in the same way bubbah was with her dad. The thing is, if you put it off now, how long does she expect you to wait? And will she then expect you not to do it if she still disagrees after another year. It's your life to live and your decision to make. I have to admit it comes across as her still trying to keep control over her little girl. Obviously you are happy with your decision so I think you need to make it clear that's the case, and like bubbah, she should either keep her opinions to herself or she isn't welcome.



    I know it might sound a bit harsh, but as I say, it is YOUR life.



    Good luck xx
  • NowMrsMackNowMrsMack Posts: 2,535
    Quoted:
    I can see where your Mum is coming from here as I have older kids. The problem with your mum being so negative towards things is she has first hand experience on how tough it was getting wed young and buying a house. I have done it myself and I would be upset if one of my kids wanted to marry now due to the fact I don't want my babies to struggle as I did. I know you see she is doing wrong but in reality its because she loves you so much and wants your younger years to be better than hers. I did all the things you are wanting to do and then had a baby very young too and looking back I wish I did things different. However Im now very happy with a beautiful home and happy gorgeous kids who mean the world to me but Im just starting to live a fuller life now unlike some who had it years ago. On the plus side Im now acting like a 20yr old while my friends are sat in with baby's.



    Just have a chat to your Mum and explain that your a big girl and she is your mentor and has done things well so why will you be any different. You are learning from the best tell her and that should help her see why you want it so much x


    I can totally understand her viewpoint, but as like you said, I have learnt from the best; my mum has always been fab and has been there for me forever,



    I understand her worries, but I don't feel like I should compromise on my life, just because she worries it'll go wrong. If I went along with that, I'd never do anything.



    This isn't a decision I or we have rushed into. It just feels like the next natural step in our relationship - my h2b and i are both really sensible, down to earth people, who have talked about the pros and cons of doing this for hours and hours at a time - and we've come to the decision that for US it is the right decision.



    I have said this to her in a totally calm way and explained my reasons for wanting to do this, yet she still refuses to support us. She knows me, and she knows I don't just rush into things without thinking.



    I love my mum so much and I'm totally gutted my special day isn't bringing us closer together, but is actually pushing us apart.
  • NowMrsMackNowMrsMack Posts: 2,535
    Quoted:
    Hi mrs mack,



    You haven't mentioned your dad's reaction which kind of made me wonder if he's in your day to day life to give a reaction? Ie did things not work out for your parents?



    My sincerest apologies if I've completely missed the mark, but if it were the case that may be the reason your mum isn't being supportive?



    I think you need to be up front with her, in the same way bubbah was with her dad. The thing is, if you put it off now, how long does she expect you to wait? And will she then expect you not to do it if she still disagrees after another year. It's your life to live and your decision to make. I have to admit it comes across as her still trying to keep control over her little girl. Obviously you are happy with your decision so I think you need to make it clear that's the case, and like bubbah, she should either keep her opinions to herself or she isn't welcome.



    I know it might sound a bit harsh, but as I say, it is YOUR life.



    Good luck xx


    You are right, my mum and dad aren't together, which is probably partly why she has had this reaction.



    Although I do still see and speak to my dad, he doesn't really have a major part in my life, and so his opinion of my wedding is very back-seat (I.e. non existent lol).



    I think because I can't guarantee we won't end up like her and my dad, she's convinced herself I'm going to follow in her footsteps because we are choosing to get married younger than what is e current average.



    She wants us to wait to 2014, which in itself isn't an issue, but it's not when WE want to do it!!



    My h2b and I are so happy with the idea of getting married next year, we literally can't wait. But all this is really getting us down as we just want our families to be supportive and enjoy us planning our wedding.
  • I don't mean to be rude but maybe your Mom is finding the idea a little strange because you still live at home? I think she is transferring her own negativity from her relationship with your Dad onto you and your husband, but I know from personal experience that the relationship between mother and daughter is always more strained when you live together. Its like when you argue they always think 'not under my roof!' is a trump card. Where are you and your H2B going to live when you are married? Are you moving in together first? Would being more independant and moving out make your Mom have a more adult to adult relationship rather than adult to child? xx
  • NowMrsMackNowMrsMack Posts: 2,535
    Quoted:
    I don't mean to be rude but maybe your Mom is finding the idea a little strange because you still live at home? I think she is transferring her own negativity from her relationship with your Dad onto you and your husband, but I know from personal experience that the relationship between mother and daughter is always more strained when you live together. Its like when you argue they always think 'not under my roof!' is a trump card. Where are you and your H2B going to live when you are married? Are you moving in together first? Would being more independant and moving out make your Mom have a more adult to adult relationship rather than adult to child? xx


    We're buying a place around April next year, so we'll have lived together for 8 or so months before we get married.



    I think moving out will probably take the strain off things as she'll be able to see how independent we are, it's just going to be an issue until we do move out!
  • I think thats a great idea, owning your own house will really change the dynamic with your Mom. She definately can't pull the adult-shild thing then! I know buying my house changed how my parents saw me, we were 24 when we got the house and 25 when we got married. Moms are so funny, on the one hand mines like 'have a baby, have a baby, have a baby, give me a grand daugther' then on the other hand Im still very much her little girl! I think once your moved out and 6 months away from the wedding your Mom will have to see your serious and see sense xx
  • NowMrsMackNowMrsMack Posts: 2,535
    Quoted:
    I think thats a great idea, owning your own house will really change the dynamic with your Mom. She definately can't pull the adult-shild thing then! I know buying my house changed how my parents saw me, we were 24 when we got the house and 25 when we got married. Moms are so funny, on the one hand mines like 'have a baby, have a baby, have a baby, give me a grand daugther' then on the other hand Im still very much her little girl! I think once your moved out and 6 months away from the wedding your Mom will have to see your serious and see sense xx


    That's what we're hoping!!



    The plan always was to buy a house and then get married, I just think she worries as we're all doing it within 12 months and as of yet we haven't made any progress as such!
  • I can only say that time will make things better. If you don't discuss the wedding plans and Ideas with her for a while and stay your happy self she will soon see its not changing.



    Leave her a little bit I promise she will be fine soon. Send her a nice card and tell her its because she is such an inspiration to you and her role model that you would love to share your plans with her. I think she is seeing reality that her princess is not needing her as much and she feels unwanted.



    Before you know it she will telling you what to do like mums do image
  • Perhaps she is worried that you are planning the wedding without having lived together first, so although you will be living together when you get married she might think that you ought to wait until you live together before starting to make wedding plans.



    Does that make sense?
  • NowMrsMackNowMrsMack Posts: 2,535
    Quoted:
    Perhaps she is worried that you are planning the wedding without having lived together first, so although you will be living together when you get married she might think that you ought to wait until you live together before starting to make wedding plans.



    Does that make sense?


    I actually don't think thats the issue.... She (and everyone who has ever met me and my h2b) know thstthere'll be no problems there (or nothing majr shall we say), I thinks he's scared of loosing me, and us struggling financially which is why she's throwing all this around.



    Just got to give her time really to acceptth situation!



    Thank you for all your replies!! it really helps to bring things into context!!
  • Maybe she is afraid to let you go, If you have always been so close, maybe with getting married this for her will be a kind of goodbye as u will not be her little girl anymore..



    Try taking ur mum out for dinner or a lovely spa day, and spend some quality time together, where u can remind her that no matter what you will always love her and u will always be her little girl, time like that is precious and it may just be what you need. Every mother will worry, and she obviously only cares for you but sometimes our parents care in a way that upsets us, however need to be reminded that we are not as young as they think...Hope u manage to sort it all out...xx
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