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Lost baby

I don't really know why I am writing this here, I guess I just need to get this out and don't know where to turn.

I miscarried on 30th. I was 6 weeks pregnant with my first baby.

I am so distraught. I keep crying, and when I'm not crying i'm a zombie with constant blanket of sadness and heavy weight over me.

I loved that baby from the momment I found out, I felt her and now she is gone and I'm so alone and empty.

The pain is constantly with me. I feel so useless. I was meant to protect my baby, but i didn't, i ended up killing it, my own body killed my baby. How am I meant to get over that!?

I hate myself so so much. and no one seems to understand, everyone wants me to move on, they never saw her, she wasnt real to them, but to me she was everything. My beautiful baby rose!

Even my partner, altho he hurts, i feel is getting fed up of me constantly being down and talking about it. but I cant let it go, i fel her inside me, she was my baby.

I just dont know what to do. I'm going back to work tomorrow, and although they are supportive and nice there, i really dont want to go back, I dont know how I am meant to behave like nothing has happened and get back to reality. I can't!

I know people care, but they dont understand. My mum just said to me tonight,that I need to get back to normal now. How can I ever be normal again!


  • I'm so sorry for your loss. It's still very early in the grieving process and people deal with things differently. I think how your feeling is totally normal. Have you spoken to a professional about how your feeling? There is no way you should be blaming yourself for your loss.

    Thinking of you x
  • Hiya,

    Things get better I promise. The pain never goes away but it becomes slightly easier to cope with. I lost my baby in may and would have been due tomorrow and it still hurts like hell.

    If you need to chat then message me.

    Thinking of you,

    Lou x
  • You will get over this. It's just that you don't think you will right now, because it's too soon, and the pain is too acute.

    Usually this kind of thing is Nature's way of telling you that something is wrong, and without meaning to sound harsh, you need to look at it like that- your body didn't destroy your baby, this baby simply wasn't meant to be. I believe it's quite common- my Mum had two early miscarriages before I came along, and a couple of peole I know have also done so recently. All have since gone on to be mothers, and done really well.

    I think you need to cry it out and get through the natural grieving process, but although you will always remember this, you will get through it. I would suggest going to see your GP if you need to offload emotionally- this will give you an outlet and it will help to talk to a professional. Good luck x
  • RRrr2011RRrr2011 Posts: 1,262
    JustTheWayYouAre11, I too have been through this just a few months ago. The first few days were truly horrendous and I too just cried continuously. You need to grieve for your loss like you would in any other way.

    I too thought the same about my husband but it turned out he was just trying to be strong for the both of us and help us move on. He just talked to other people so not to upset me.

    I too went back to work just a few days later and although those first few days were horrendous, everybody understood and there was no pressure on me. It will give you something to focus on though - not to stop you thinking about your beautiful baby, but to help you not dwell on it constantly.

    It truly is the most horrendous thing you will go through but together you and your hubby will be stronger as a result of it. I think about my baby every day but I also feel that I know so much more about my hubby and myself and what you want.

    And just 1 more thing, please don't every blame yourself. 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage, especially so early on. It is nothing to do with your body killing your baby and you are not to blame. One of my friends who had been though a miscarriage a few years ago said her husband had told her "that your body doesn't have a clue what is going on 1st time round, and hopefully 2nd time won't be as big a shock". She has gone on to have 2 happy and healthy babies and I am now 10 weeks pregnant.

    Sending best wishes x x x
  • doorstopperdoorstopper Posts: 1,674
    I can't even imagine how you're feeling, but just wanted to give you a big virtual hug image

    Please don't think that you could have done anything to harm your baby - it absolutely is not your fault. I'm sure you did everything you possibly could to protect her, but Mother Nature realised she just wasn't well enough to make it and let her go before she could suffer.

    I think you should try and find somebody to talk to - could you ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor?

    I'm sure your husband isn't fed up with you - go and get some big hugs from him. x
  • Big Hugs sent to you xxxxxxxx

    Dont really know what to say apart from it definitly IS NOT your fault

  • so so sorry for you. Have just read your other thread in ES but thought I would reply here.

    I lost a baby just over 4 months ago now and what you have described in your other post was exactly how I was feeling. Nothing anybody could say or do made me feel any better at all - even though I knew some of those people had also been through the same. However as cliched as it sounds time really does help - not to forget of course but it gets easier to deal with everyday things again. 4 months on and I can now talk about my experience with others without getting visibly upset, I can be happy for others who are enjoying a healthy pregnancy and the overwhelming emptiness that I felt is now gone. Don't get me wrong I still think about baby no. 3 and what he/she would be like and I have days when I do have a little cry but they are now outnumbered by better days.

    You said you're going back to work tomorrow - can you not take anymore time off, get signed off by gp? I was actually off work for 5 weeks after (was ectopic so had to have surgery) - 1 week off when bleeding started, 2 weeks signed off due to the surgery and as it was I had already had 2 weeks annual leave booked for after that. Even with all that time off when I went back to work I had to psyche myself up as I didn't want to start crying infront of people when they asked me how I was etc. Don't push yourself too soon.

    Somebody said to me that most of all just let yourself feel whatever you're feeling without feeling guilty or ashamed (there were other ladies at my work pregnant at same time and I remember thinking 'why me and not them?) I knew that it was horrible to be thinking like that but at the same time I knew deep dpwn I didn't really mean it, it was just the way my head was. I started writing in an online diary after my ectopic because I could write down how I was feeling knowing that nobody else could read it and make comment on it - the times that I was thinking that my life was basically over if I wasn't having this baby or any others. I couldn't say this to amybody out loud because I have 2 children and would never want them to feel that they weren't enough. Or times when I was angry at what people said to me. A few days after I had my ectopic a friends gf had the same happen to her. Mutual friends of ours said to me that it must be worse for this other person as she was only young (20) and hadn't any children already. I felt like screaming at them that in my opinion it was not any worse for her, it no doubt does not hurt any less and at the time I wanted to say that I was probably hurting more because I could imagine this baby being like both of my other children and knew that they would be fantastic big brothers. I also wanted to say that I would not get a chance to try for another baby after this because hubby was so scared that I was going to die that he will not even consider trying again as our boys need me and as much as I was hurting I have to put them first. However I didn't say any of that because I have no idea how others feel and nobody has the right to tell anybody else how to feel. So the diary definitely helped.

    Sorry I have really rambled on about myself but I know that it helped me when reading about others that I wasn't necessarily alone in what I was feeling. I found the baby expert website really comforting to read as well, they have a number of messageboards re. mc etc. Also about your partner trying to push you to get on with things now, men just don't have that feeling of being pregnant and I think to a lot of them it is just a word 'pregnant' rather than us ladies who from the moment we see the bfp we 'feel' pregnant' and we instantly picture our baby. Also do you think he is maybe trying to be strong for your sake or simply does not know what to day or do to make you feel any better? My hubby luckily seemed to understand that he needed to let me bawl my eyes out when I wanted to and just hug me when I wanted him to.

    I hope that you have family/friends around who can just be there for you and it doesn't matter what others think about everything being back to normal - you and only you will know how much you loved your baby and how much it is hurting you right now. Nobody will ever be able to take that away from you.

    Take care. x x
  • I am so sorry - I have never experienced anything like what you are going through, and I can only imagine how much you are hurting. Please don't think that this is your fault, nature can be very, very cruel.

    I second what Doorstopper says, it would be a good idea for you to see a counsellor if you feel up to it.

    We're all here for you, you are not on your own. *hugs* xxx
  • Sorry you are going through this. Please, talk to your doctor and tell them how you feel.

    I don't think it's right to say that just have to get back to normal - that was the expectation for your mum's generation but it's not the case today. You are grieving and that doesn't feel very normal really, does it. That's what you are feeling - grief.

    You should know that it's not your fault. I know it's not much help hearing this from a stranger on an internet forum but please don't hate yourself. You would be surprised how many people this happens to, unfortunately it is a lot more common than people realise and it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong or that it's your fault.

    Men and women often deal with things differently - your partner may think it's better to encourage you to move on and stop talking about it, but if that's not what you want and need to do, tell him what you want and need. He probably feels very helpless and clueless. And please, please talk to your doctor. It sounds like you might need to be signed off work for a bit, and they might be able to help refer you for counselling.

    Also, have you considered having some kind of memorial for your baby? My friend did this and it really helped her because she felt she was acknowledging the fact he was real and he was inside her, like you have said. She lit a candle, among other things, and it did help. Because in this situation you don't really get any opportunity for closure, you don't get to have a funeral and say goodbye.

    Also, maybe give these people a call:

    I am really sorry for your loss xxx
  • Thank you for all your kind comments.

    I went to the doctors and got signed off for a week, and am finally starting to let myself slow down and really take it all in. I have to go back to the hospital today to have another blood test to ensure everything has passed. I'm not looking forward to going back into the same place I was told that she was gone.

    On the day I found out she was gone, I went and got a tattoo for her. It may sound odd, its my first tattoo. I just wanted to feel pain on the outside, and I wanted to feel like I still had a part of her with me always, it really helped, and I am so glad I have it, a little piece of her.

    Again thank you for all your kindness. I miss her every second of every day.xx
  • It's not odd - it's a really beautiful way to remember her. I am so very sorry you are going through this. xxx
  • Justthewayyouare11. Your tattoo is lovely and such a nice way 2 remember her always...

    I lost my 2nd baby at 32 weeks pregnant 7years ago and it was the most horrific time of my life! And like you I felt that every1 around me just didn't get what I was going through and 2 me they all seemed as if it was a matter of "Oh well, another time" but I realised people try and be strong and tell you what they think will help.

    I cried until my tears were fed up and my tear ducts refused 2 produce more , and each day that went past just got that wee bit easier and easier. My wee gran said 2 me 1 day, "U know, your granda would be awfully proud of you letting the baby go 2 him 2 b looked after, I think it's time you made 1 to keep for yourself image i thought that was quite sweet, if not a little strange my gran telling me 2 go have sex and make a baby lol!

    But I took her advice and grew 1 to keep, and he's now 5!

    Things get easier in time and I will always remember my daughter (Poppy-Grace), my son didn't replace her, he just made it easier 2 think and talk about her.

    Big hugs 2 you... Xxx
  • singo44singo44 Posts: 3,420
    i am so sad to read this, i am truly sorry for your loss.....i have no idea what you must be feeling but i am sending you big hugs xxxx try to keep positive and please talk to someone and seek whatever help you need xxxx
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