I want to fight but should I walk away?

Hi ladies

I need some peoples open and honest views. I have posted a lot on here about my wedding and how much I adore my other half.... I am nto sure how I will move forward with this so if I post in future please don't thin any less of my views etc.

I love my partner more than anything how I feel I have -love blinkers' and I am blind towards things that could potentially end my relationship if things continue.

I have been with my partner for 4 years and we are due to get married next year, however I have known him since I was 17 ( I am now 24)

When I first met my partner he was a bit of a bad boy, he had got in with the wrong crowd at school and dabbled in drugs and basically flopped his GCSES ( except a few)

He was working when I first met him, and still taking drugs, which varied form cannabis, Ecstasy and cocaine. After a briefing fling together ( 4 months) I moved away for uni.

I was besotted with him at the time, and although I didn't agree with what he did it was all new and exciting, and away from the bad stuff when it was just me and him I loved it.

I got in contact with him some 4 years later whilst I lived in Manchester. I was in a dead end relationship were my other half wanted different things. I was also desperate to move back o London to be with my family.

All in all my current partner and I met up a few times before I moved back down and began a relationship. All the feelings from last time can back and it felt perfect.

He was still smoking cannabis but had stopped all other drugs. He was also not smoking much at all.

My family knew him from before and were furious that I was with him. I had to fight with them so much to get them to accept him and even lie that he was no longer doing any drugs.

I guess secretly I hoped I would be able to get him off the drugs and away from all his dodgy mates.

We move in together and things were fantastic. He proposed to me once Christmas 2 years ago and I can honestly say it was the best moment of my life.

In the last year we have really started to talk about family and we booked our wedding for next year.

However my other half has started to smoke more cannabis, he is smoking at least 2/3 joints a day and is out for at least 1-1.5 hours every night with friends smoking. He always goes out at weekends.. not for long but he does seem them also

I am the higher salary earner in the house so pay for most if the things. He does contribute also but doesn't have much money left at the end of the month.

I do not mind paying for most things, but I'm constantly having to give him money as he has borrowed money and not cannot pay people back. Most of the debts I am assuming are for cannabis.

I feel very annoyed that I work hard yet he spends his money on things he cannot afford and then has to ask me or work colleagues for money to pay for things and bail him out. If he needed money for genuine reasons, I would have no problem about not having a pot to p*ss in so to speak.

I have told him that I completely disagree with his smoking of cannabis and that it is affecting how I feel about him and our future with a family. He has told me that he will give up but he is still smoking the same if not more.

If you take away the cannabis, and associated bad money management he is the most kind hearted person in the world, who I love with all my heart.( I am in tears typing this) . when I think about all the good things about him my heart melts and I know I want to marry him instantly, yet when I start to think about the negative I break down in tears and I feel distraught that I am loosing the man I love to a nasty drug.

I have called the helpline - talk to frank' but I just don't know if he would even speak to them.

His mum has struggled with trying to get him away from his drug problems in that past. I have spoken to her about it and she has said she will have a chat with him, however I couldn't even bring myself to tell her how much this is affecting me and how I feel about him.

Reading this back I feel like a complete idiot and he reads to be such a waste of space, but he really isn't, it's just the addiction ( which he won't admit to because he sees there is nothing wrong with smoking cannabis) that is eating away at him and my love for him.

What can I do? I want to save our relationship as I cannot imagine life without him, but if he cannot see a problem with what he is doing then I don't know what to do

sorry about the grammer and spelling.


  • This is a difficult one, and I have never been in a relationship where one of us had an addiction, so I suppose for me it sounds quite black and white, but of course I know it isn't, especially when you love somebody.

    Personally I have to say, no matter how much you love somebody, sometimes relationships aren't good for you, and I think a relationship that includes drugs (and has you asking questions before you even marry him) is only heading one way. Unfortunately you can't expect that he will change after marrying you. I think you have to have a serious sit down and say that this could potentially cause your relationship to break down and that he needs to choose what is more important to him, you or drugs.

    If he still cannot give up the drugs then that says it all really. I think one of the biggest things i would think of is could you bring up a child around him? Especially if he has a history of harder drugs, there is no saying he won't go back to that, and personally i couldn't take the risk of drugs being aroung my baby. It also doesn't set a good example at all.

    I know that this will be such a painful situation for you, because i understand you really love him, but if you are worried about this now, I think it is only going to get worse throughout your relationship and you may need to seriously think about whether your outlook on drugs is going to allow you to be together forever and have a family. Even if your heart breaks by not being together, it might be the right choice for you, and you have to know that if that does happen then in time you would be very happy again!

    I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation, but i'd say your first step is to discuss with your H2B just how serious the possible implications of him being a drug user are. Good luck.
  • Hi both,

    Thank you for your responses.

    MRSS - yes I am very much struggling with this, especially when you take the drug issue away he is such an amazing person.

    I have said this to him before that I am not happy however we have had a conversataion today about it ( unoftruently by text) where I just decided to say how much it is affecting me and that i cna no longer cope ..my message was sent over 90mins ago and I haven't recieved a reply.. normally he comes back witin a few minutes.

    He would be an amazing father, but with drugs in his life I have told him that will never be a possibilty with me... as to which he says when we are truely ready he will give up.. but my view is if you have such a disgusting habit that your partner hates then why wait?

    Thank you for sharing your past experience, I do no know anyone who has been in this siuation who is not happy to accept it. he has friends who have girlfriends and they seem to put up with it.. I don't know how they do that.

    Champagne - yes on paper it does seem black and white but like you say, when you love someone, and the rest of them so to speak is so amazing its is literally impossible to just walk away.

    I do not have any fear that he would go back to harder drugs, he has been there and admits he hated it.. he no longer speaks to those people.. just the ones that do the cannabis. he also got himself off the hard drugs, he just cannot seem to kick cannabis as he doesnt see it as that bad.

    I am hoping that despite our text conversation.. which wasn't ideal, my feelings are down on 'paper' and he cannot ignore.. I am hoping we will have a discussion tonight but we will just have to see how it goes.

    I am willing to be with him every step of the way and support him with everything if he is willing to try and kick it.. but I guess unless/until he is 100% commitment to trying I will not know.

  • Thanks MRSS - he has just responded and clearly doesn't understand the severity of the situation. I'm going to sit down with him later.

    I guess everything will be a little clearer in a few days time.

    I hope to g*d he makes the right decision...

    thank you for your support


  • DanweDanwe Posts: 283
    Hey hun, the only advice I can offer is that I smoked a lot when I was younger and when I got with my ex boyfriend he asked me to stop for the sake of our relationship and I loved him enough to stop. I did it because I loved him enough to realise the effect it was having on him and I didn't want to lose him. Smoking wasn't as important as he was. If your man is pitting the drugs before you and your relationship then I think that says it all. You're obviously very unhappy at the situation and regardless of how much you love him, if he can't/won't stop or seek help then it seems like the answer is obvious. Sorry if this sounds harsh but I'm at work and have to type quickly between customers!!
  • Alexa1471Alexa1471 Posts: 1,959
    Hi ChelleChel,

    MrsS has given you some fantastic advice so I don't need to add to it. But i just wanted to say that we're here for you if you want to vent, rant or need more advice.

    Thinking of you honey, stay strong and I hope it all resolves.

  • Danwe - your post doesn't sound harsh at all - its the kind of thing that confirms that Ii am not being stupid and unreasonable.

    Alexa - thanks very much im sure i will be back on here at somepoint.. i just don't know if it will be better news or not.

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply

  • I know where you are at very well. I understand why my other half smokes, and although I would love him to stop, I don't expect it of him, he cannot just stop. If he does ever give it up, I will be estatic. Even with his smoking, he is the most wonderful man I have ever met.

    Whilst I wouldn't chose to have a baby with him whilst he is like this, I already have two sons whom I have now exposed to this. Obviously I have done this very carefully, and although he is well loved by the boys, they both know that it is not a habit that they ever want to take up.

    My other half is due to start counselling soon, and I am hoping that this will help, but I shall still be with him either way.

    I would rather be with someone who smokes cannabis than someone who drinks a lot, at least it just helps him be calm and chilled.

    On the finance issue - that would be a bigger problem to me. Our money is tight, he has a budget and knows that there is no more. I control the finances in our relationship.

    Hope you find a resolution one way or another.
  • Tantrumsk - thanks for your reply.

    My H2B does have slight paranoia as a result (I feel) from smoking it so its like a circle.. he smokes it to calm down but it makes him worry also.

    what frustrates me the most is that he thinks it a perfectly acceptable habit.. he doesnt even see it as somehthing thats not nice and he cannot appreicate how much it upsets me.

    I try and control the finances in our relationship but there have been ocaasions where he has drawn money out the cash machine without me knowing.. or its to the point he borrows money and then gets nasty texts from people wanting it back. The cash machine hasn't happened recently thank g*d.

    whats scares me is that people he borrows off are not exactly lovely people and know where we live.. I feel like I have to pay to stop them comming round if it ever got that bad.

    my other concern is that he is ALWAYS on the phone on drug related things.. he will try and help another 'friend' get some as they are short.. so he does the running around like a stupid idiot sorting it out coz he knows they will give him a bit free to say thanks.

    a few of his 'friends' have got busted by the council and police.. what i worry is that he will be a regular number on his phone records... who to say we don't end up with the police on our doorstep thinking he is a lead? he would be seen outside their house and they would be seen outside ours.

    we have had police outside our house, not due to us.. they were just pulled up outside.. and i got in such a state..he had mor ethna personal comsumption in the house and i was so scared i started shaking. i've never been in trouble with the police before and i don' want to be caught up in that.

    ladies - he has brought the lack of sex life (currently 1 x per week sorry TMI! ) into the equation.. saying he smokes it to calm him down because I keep fobbing him off.. im trying to explain that I don't want to be intimate with somebody all the time when I really dislike part of them...we are only intimate when im havinh an up day and making a huge effort to push the issues to the back of my mind.

  • Time for an ultimatum I think..does he love you or the drugs more? Make him choose between you, because maybe that will shock him into doing what's right! And if it doesn't I'm afraid he's not worth his weight in salt and you deserve better. He has gotten off the more addictive drugs and I'm sure if he wants to he can get away from this. Good luck x
  • So, he is saying his drug habit is your fault because you only sleep with him once a week? Have I got that right? And there are druggies at your house, some of whom are known to the police? He has stolen money from the account without you knowing? He borrows money from dangerous people who he then exposes you to as they know where you live?

    Sounds like a right catch.

    I am sorry, but sometimes you have to detach from the situation and look at it from outside. Read this back. What you you say to a friend who was in this situation?

    You seem a nice and sensible girl but I think subconsciously you still have a little bit of the hero worship thing that you had when you were younger, excusing and overlooking these things because you idolise the guy from when you are a kid. You are still more than young enough to start over and find someone who will love you enough not to put you or himself in danger.
  • My brother in law to be used to smoke weed daily and do coke often- i fell out with him once because he sparked up in a queue at alton towers! However...and i'm not advising just sharing my experience....once he met his girlfriend he stopped. He even stopped smoking cigs because he would have done anything to keep her happy. They've been together 2 years now and he is so much happier and much more healthy...even goes to the gym! (if you knew the old him you'd understand why this is so shocking).

    Guess what i'm trying to say is...if he cared enough about you...he'd seek help to stop.

    It can be done...but he has to WANT to stop himself.

    Thinking of you XX
  • He has an addiction and that isn't going 2 get any better. Unless he accepts he has 1 .

    I couldn't ever imagine being in any sort of relationship with a person who relies/depends on drugs daily!

    Im not judging you at all, and of course it is easy for others 2 say "Get rid".

    The situation with u bailing him out with money over drug debts etc just isn't how your relationship should be.

    So you will b paying for most if not all of the wedding?

    I'm assuming he's not going 2 show much of an interest in the planning side of things.

    I think u need 2 b careful as he may just think being with you will keep him in a habit. (not saying that this is the case)

    I think u need time away from the situation and let him help himself and if he doesn't then that may tell you what matters most to him..

    Being engaged and getting married should be an exciting time in your life for both of you.

    I know you are saying you want kids and that he would make a great dad, but you are having 2 put your plans on hold because of his addiction!

    And I understand why, because I know I certainly wouldn't allow any 1 who was on drugs near my children, and you would be in a situation that you prob wouldn't trust him on his own with his kids!

    Just from what you posted i don't think it's a great start for you's entering married life.

    I hope you manage 2 decide on the best thing for you. Xx
  • What a terrible situation - you must feel so desperate and lonely which aren't the feeelings that you should be experiencing when you are engaged to the man you love.

    I think everyone has posted good advice.

    I think waiting to start your family until he is free of the habit is going to be increasinly stressful as time goes on and your biological clock starts ticking and he still isn't free of his habit or the financial constraints his habit puts on you both in terms of spending and his earning power (and financial support ability when you need it with a young family)And having certain people hanging about outside the house when you have children ...?

    If you decide enough is enough at that late point, your chances of ever having a family are reduced.

    I think it is time for him to let you know what is more important in his life, you or the cannabis.

    Good luck
  • Hey hun!

    I cant add to any of the advice given here, just sending lots of hugs your way! My only thought is if he says he wont stop smoking it bcos he doesnt see it as doing that much damage to his health+even if u ignore the damage its doing/done to your relationship - the money side of things+getting in with the wrong crowd bothers me! Maybe you could say that you will not have any more drugs in the house? wether renting or if u own it, its half your home+if he respects you he shoud listen to that. and maybe, that will help him kick the habit - if the stuff isnt right under his nose tempting him if u get what i mean!

    I do have to say though, if I were you, i would just kick him out+change the locks+tell him you will not see him or speak to him until he can proove to you that he's off the drugs for good!

  • Stephb1986Stephb1986 Posts: 2,536
    Before I met my H2B he smoked canabis but when we started to talk he knew full well that I wouldn't have anything to do with him aslong as he was smoking that stuff he went cold turkey and quit and hasn't touched it since. What I'm trying to say along with quite a few of the other ladies here is that if he loves you enough he will give it up. My h2b is just a regular smoker now I'm a non smoker while I don't agree with him smoking he hardly does it infront of me, and I'd rather he smoked normal cigarrets than canabis.

    I can see how this story will end anyway but it's your choice if you carry on accepting this behaviour.

    Good luck

    Steph xx
  • I had an ex that smoked morning noon and night and got really moody if he couldn't get any. He was always skint or in debt and didn't want to go anywhere if he couldn't smoke there. It didn't end well.

    I think it's going to be hard to get him to quit now (it usually happens when they want to). If you had asked him to stop if he wanted to start a relationship with you then maybe there would have been chance, but to tell him now, 4 years into your relationship and he'll probably wonder why it was ok before but not now. (By 'ok before' I mean that although you didn't like it, he's been able to continue).

    Good luck with it though, maybe an ultimatum is the only option here. But beware his 'friends' telling him he's under the thumb and that you're a killjoy (I speak form experience). For him to leave that lifestyle behind he needs to stop hanging around with those people. It's a change of lifestyle, not simply a case of 'no more pot'.

    I hope it ends well for you both. image

    eta: he had a kid in a previous relationship. He was with the mother for 15 years until the child was 13. He didn't quit smoking it then. Suprise suprise the child (now about 19), shared his first joint with his dad. image
  • What I am about to say is rather hard and harsh, but the truth.

    I have not had a romantic relationship with anyone who takes drugs its a member of my family.

    It's time you got out now you are beating yourself up for a pathetic fool who is not thinking of you at all.

    My Nephew was a kind lovely lad, great lad - but he met a girl that was involved in drugs and he got hooked.

    My Nephew lost his job, has been in Jail because of his habit stealing from shops to sell the stuff he steals to pay for his habit my sister has had a nervouse break down, with everything she has tried to do to help him, she did not dare leave her purse anywhere he even stole her prescription drugs to feed his habit he started at school and he is now in his 30's, he has nothing, but a police record and known locally as a bad piece of work.

    Each time he has come out of Prison clean we have helped him with accommodation, buying him new clothes, paying his rent and utility bills, buying him food but he always goes back to the same friends and goes down the same route, lying to his family, - he is clean.

    Your Partner at the moment does not have to steal money because you are paying to feed his habit - I am sorry that was a very harsh thing to say, but that is what you are doing and you are going to end up in debt even worse married to him dragging you down with him.

    - there is an old saying you have to be cruel to be kind and that is what we have done with our nephew we have kicked him out of our lives we have all wasted so much time and money trying to keep him clean and it has not worked.

    My sister still feels the effects of her breakdown, my parents nearly lost their home and I spent money on him I should have been spending on my own family in the hope to help him stay on the straight and narrow.

    Do yourself a favour get rid of him, before he pulls you down any further, I am really really sorry for being so harsh but my whole family has been dragged down by my nephews drug habit.
  • I think you need to make him understand how much it is hurting you. I know from personal experiences that these things can turn around, you just need to put him under pressure and make it clear to him you are not prepared to carry on the way things are. If he isn't willing to quit then he is putting his addiction before you and, for me, that is a deal breaker!

    You need to talk to him xx
  • DuddersDudders Posts: 1,659 New bride
    Ok it's easier said than done. Thing is, and I'm sorry to be harsh, but here it is.

    He knows exactly how much it hurts you and that hasn't changed his attitude. I think you are scared to be alone again, but as it stands, the reality is you don't want a future with this particular version of him. He's had the opportunity to change and hasn't. I think you need to tell him that if he can't give it up, then by default he is giving you up, and the hardest part you have to stick to it.

    If you leave him and go back despite his habit he will keep doing it, until one day it will simply be too late for the relationship to remain alive.

    You clearly love him, so by all means give him one chance, but one chance only. Give him the ultimatum and see if he changes. If he doesn't you need to walk away, otherwise you'll wake up to the realisation in another few years that you have wasted a chunk of your life.

    As some of the others have said if he genuinely wants a future with you, it should be no contest. Surely you don't want a future playing second fiddle to the first love of his life?

    At the start of my relationship with hubby I told him I didn't like too much drinking. I had an ex who to all intents and purposes was an alcoholic. Hubby liked to go quite mad when he went out, and although I never asked him not to drink, he hardly does any more. Most of the time, I have to encourage him to have the odd social drink. What I'm getting at is that if they know how much it upsets you, you shouldn't even need to ask.

    Best of luck xx
  • I know from experience (of other people) that cannabis is just as addictive as 'hard' drugs and just as harmful. It makes the user dependent, paranoid, sneaky, moody and often downright impossible to live with. The fact that he respects you so little that he a) continues, and b) allows the habit to drain your finances, should be the only sign you need that this relationship can only end one way. Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe a year into married life- it doesn't really matter 'when', the fact remains that you are selling yourself very short by staying with him on the basis of your initial infatuation with him and your romantic feelings for him.

    I'm sorry but he is showing you no respect at all and you need to ask yourself whether this is how you eant to live your life. Think about it- if you walked away now, how many of your friends and family would think badly of you, given the very good reasons you have for doing so? Very few, I bet.

    There are other 'wonderful' men out there who either have no serious vices or are prepared to give them up for the woman whom they love. I think you need to get out of this relationship, clear your head, pick yoursef up and Mr Right will come along sooner or later. Once this has happened you wll wonder what you ever saw in your fiance.
  • I can't bear drugs - I have seen them ruin so many people's lives. My ex boyfriend's brother died of an overdose, it tore apart his family.

    One of my very good friends smokes pot (all the time), and this has affected our relationship as I can't stand to be around her when she is intoxicated. My Husband doesn't like her one bit because of it, which is a real shame as she is great to be around when she's not off her face. She's lost quite a few good friends through her habit.

    Drugs are for mugs.

    I would run a bloody mile. Sorry to be so blunt with my advice, I just hate them.
  • Some good advice has been given on here.

    Hope you managed to sit down and talk to him face to face.

    Giving him the ultimatum is the best thing to do, he needs to know that you are serious about what you are saying and that you aren't prepared to put up with it. Its not just about the drug taking, its all the stuff that goes with it, like the giving him money to pay people chasing the money, the stuff you mentioned about the police. Drug dealers are never nice people so what happens if say for example something happens, like you lose your job and cant afford to give him the money?

    Whatever happens, i really think you should reconsider whether you want to marry this man next year.....this isnt something that is just going to get resolved overnight.

    Also, him saying he will give it all up when you are ready to start a family is bull, if he was going to give up, he would do it now.
  • Just to add something to what the others have said, more about the long lasting effects even if he does give up-

    My mum's ex smoked Cannabis, not loads and he certainly wasn't what you would expect from a "druggie", normal guy, normal job etc (even if he did live with his mum following his divorce) but he smoked in the evenings to "chill out".

    The problem was he'd been doing it for so long that the Jamie everyone knew was the one who smoked Cannabis in the evenings. One day the supply ran out (he's from a remote area) and he quit cold turkey - he completely changed. His personality, his attitude, his fun side, everything. They split up because he'd changed so much, mum lived 40min away and that was too much effort all of a sudden. And he lost a lot of friends.

    My point is NOT that he shouldn't give up drugs- he should- all I want to do is prepare you for the fact that if he has been smoking cannabis for years it will have a hold of him and the damage may not be reversible, even after he quits he might not be the person you knew before.

    I'm so sorry that this is probably the last thing you want to hear, that he could give up and it may not get better, I just want to prepare you because it sounds like you've invested a lot in this man.

    He really isn't giving you any respect, I so hope you find the courage to give him an ultimatum and be prepared to walk away if need be, I am so sorry for the situation you are in. None of us thought that Jamie had a drug problem because he seemed fine, but you KNOW that your OH has.

    Big hugs and wishing you lots of luck x
  • hi all,

    thanks for your comments.

    i have sat down and had one of the most emotional conversations i have ever had in my life.

    i have gave him the choice.. and he has said he doesnt want to loose me and wants to kick the drugs.

    i have had a very frank conversation and i have told him that he looks like an complete and utter sh*tbag to the rest of the world.. and quite frankly i should up and leave in many peoples eyes.

    i have told him that i love him dearly and if he is able to kick the drugs we shall stay together.

    he has commited to go and see a drugs counsellor and his first appointment is on tuesday.

    he has sat down and spoken to his family about his addiction and that he has been so wrapped up in it that he hasn't realised the damage he has been doing, which is a typical addicts trait.

    he has spoken to the few friends that he has and has told them he will not be meeting up or seeing them as they are a bad influcence. we are also going to move back into his mums house.. this will help us save some cash and also if it all goes wrong it will be easier to go our seperate ways as no flat contract to sort out.it was also mean he is nver left on his own

    i have said i will support him all the way.. but the moment he falls back.. or stops trying i will be gone.

    i know the majority of you will think im a stupid women who is going to fall flat on her face. however i am simply not willing to walk away without a fight. your comments have spurred me on to face the issues with him and now i am there for the next round to help him fight his addiction. i cannot abandon the man i love during a time that is going to be so difficult for himif he is willing to try.

    i may be young but we have gone through so much in our relationship which isnt detailed in my post that i think we should try and make it through the other side.

    thank you for your comments, both harsh but true and those with previous experience.

    i will continue to post on the forum but our wedding plans are on hold if/when the situation gets better.

    thanks for taking the time to post
  • I'm so glad he picked you over the drugs, I can't blame you for not wanting to simply walk away- you love him! Good luck hun I hope it all works out for you x
  • DuddersDudders Posts: 1,659 New bride
    No one will think you're stupid for trying, it's very evident how much you love him.

    It looks like he's making positive steps and I hope it all works out for you. Just be strong enough to make the hard choice if he doesn't live up to his end of the bargain.

    Good luck image
  • thanks charlie and dudders..

    i guess admitting you hav a problem and agreeing to spea to soeone is hard for any addict who has been burying their head!

    fingers crossed!
  • JoeyClareJoeyClare Posts: 2,737
    Doesn't sound stupid to me at all. Stupid would be ignoring the problem, you are facing it head on and giving your full support. In some respects it could be easier to walk away, as beating addiction is not easy. I think you have made a good decision in making your feelings and the terms clear. You clearly have a lot of love for each other. I hope your h2b kicks the habit and I send good luck hugs. x
  • You are not stupid - you have made the right decision.

    It was brave to have 'that conversation' and his response was a good one.

    Of course, saying the things you want to hear are easy, time will tell if he can follow through his promises, but it sounds very hopeful and positive, and you seem to have a lot of support from your families.

    If you had just walked away, you would have always wondered 'what if ..?' - this way you will know; either you are strong enough and he is determined enough to get through this addiction for the sake of both your futures, or a future with him just wasn't to be.

    Pleae keep us posted and fingers crossed for the happiest of outcomes x

    Please keep us posted and
  • You've been really strong and done absolutely the right thing- well done. That conversation had the potential to cause huge ramifications but you stepped up and had it anyway, and it turned out well in that he seems to have seen sense and is now addressing the problem. Stay strong and the very best of luck to you both x
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