Mum says she's not coming to my wedding

Hi Girls



I just feel so image at the moment.

I had one of the best days of my life today but it swiftly turned into one of the worst.



My mum has never been supportive of my relationship with my hubby to be, mainly because he is older than me (i'm 26, he's 39) We have been together for 6 years now and for that whole entire duration of our relationship she has refused to get to know him, made assumptions about him and generally acted like a stubborn mule, hardly acknowledging that he even exists. When i'm with my fiance, i try not to mention my mum and when i'm with my parents, i dont talk about my fiance, it's almost like i have had to lead 2 seperate lives. My brother who is older than me but acts younger spent his life bumming around without a job and racking up thousands of pounds worth of debts (Which mum and dad had to pay to bail him out)



Earlier this year we set a date to get married which will be 21st September next year in Cyprus. When i told my mum we had booked the wedding, she turned on the selective hearing and didn't say anything to me and walked away which broke my heart.

My brother managed to be act the peacemaker and talked her round and to my surprise she started to "accept" the fact that the wedding was going ahead and started to show an interest in getting to know my fiance and the wedding - hurrah!!!



Mum even said she would help us a little financially and she also helped me with our invitations, invited my fiance round for dinners and events out and even went to a wedding fayre! I thought "YES! She was finally coming around after 6 long years!!" So anyway today, I went to this beautiful bridal shop to try on dresses. I took my mum with me for the first time ever (I've tried on so many dresses prior to this) and i also took my 2 bridesmaids for moral support. Everything was going well and i tried on this one Maggie Sottero dress which i absolutely fell in love with. It was THE ONE!!! My bridesmaids thought so too, even my my mum loved the dress!!!! It was one of the happiest moments of my life. I had found the perfect dress and also my mum was there with me which made me so happy. We made an appointment for next sat so my dad can come & see the dress too and mum said that they would pay for it! Yay!



When we got home, i was on such a high. My mum soon turned and started going on about how expensive my dress/shoes/veil etc would cost. My dress is £1250 which i think is quite cheap compared to alot of other dresses. I said to her, that she said to me her and dad would help us out. (Only repeating words that came out of her mouth). She completely flew off the handle saying that i don't care about her and dad, i only care about money! which is total rubbish! She knows how hard working we are and how we pay for everything ourselves. (My partner works shift and does all the overtime he can get his hands on and I've had 3 jobs this year and put in 60 hours a week just so we can afford to pay for this wedding on our own and also the mortgage on our house) I have never asked my parents for a penny unlike my brother.



My mum in her rant, screamed that she wanted me to leave right away and that she won't be coming to the wedding because it's abroad and i am greedy for wanting her to spend so much money!! She said that it's sad that i only care about money, how i am a bad daughter and have made her life hell!? I drove home in tears. I rang my dad up after still crying and asked him if he would still come with me to see the dress next week and that my finace and i would pay for it. My dad isn't really a man of words and just said "yes, yes of course i will, dont worry"



I just can't take all this emotional turmoil that my mum keeps putting me through. I've had 6 years of this jekkyl and hyde attitude from her. One minute she's ok the next she's not. She always has a way of making me feel ashamed and guilty like i am worthless. But i'm not - I'm independant, i'm hardworking, i have a mortgage, jobs, and if i was my daughter i would be proud of me but my mum always makes me feel like a total disappointment and that i'm not good enough.



Just to stick the knife in even more. My brother has now pulled his finger out and has landed himself a great job and a "great" new girlfriend to go with it. My mum is always going on about how perfect and fantastic and pretty my brother's girlfriend is and she was even talking about buying her a Pandora bracelet for xmas. This girl and my brother have only been together for 6 months and yet she is a part of the furniture yet i've had this uphill battle for 6 years!

I dont want to feel bitter and jealous over this new "golden couple" status that my bro and his gf have but i just can't help it and i just feel hurt and upset by all this.



You don't have to reply to me, just felt like i needed to get this off my chest.



Thanks for listening, sorry for rambling xxx

Posts

  • Did not want to read and go ..... One word of advice do not let the negative things bring you down. ... Just keep remembering why you are marrying the man that you love. And if your mum does not go her loss not yours as you wil have other people around you on the day who will be there for you. Xx
  • Hiya,



    I hope once your mum has calmed down she will change her mind and go to your wedding.



    I'm also 26 and my h2b is 41 so a similar age gap and luckily my family have accepted it. I think maybe they weren't keen to begin with but kept quiet.



    I have 3 brothers and the eldest is not so great with money and keeps having to be bailed out. The middle brother had no job for months and my mum supported him whereas I was marched to the job centre to look for part time work at 16!



    Sometimes i think more is expected of the more sensible siblings and the irresponsible ones seem to get more help. My dad bought two of my brothers laptops for uni but I had to buy my own. He told me it was because I could afford it - only because I am sensible with money!



    Don't feel like you should avoid talking about your partner or your parents as the more you talk about them the more you force them to accept it.



    I really hope that your mum just said it because she was angry (for whatever reason) and that she comes round. She was making the effort before so hopefully that will happen again.



    Sorry I don't really have anything helpful to say.
  • RRrr2011RRrr2011 Posts: 1,262
    I know this is really hard but just give this time and don't let it overshadow your wedding.



    We had a HUGE arguement with my MIL about 3 months before the wedding over invites as she wanted her friends - who we have never met - to be invited all day (we did invite them in the evening but we were already limited on numbers and a lot of our close friends only came in the evening and also she didn't agree in my husband inviting his dad (they have been divorced about 16 years and it wasn't pleasant.



    Both his mum and sister refused to come to the wedding (arguement over xmas too!) and so we just gave them space and then 2 weeks before the wedding phoned and said we are giving final numbers to the hotel tomorrow so you need to give us a definite answer within 24hours. Surprise surprise they both changed their minds. x x
  • jefnurjefnur Posts: 359
    I think it's true, parents set higher standards for the "sensible" sibling and that puts more pressure on you! Your mum will come round if she has any sense and if she doesn't she'll always regret it. You on the other hand are marrying the man of your dreams and you should just go ahead and do the things that make you both happy.



    My mum initially in the first 6 months or so didn't like any of my wedding plans, they weren't traditional at all and at first I changed things to make her happy. But eventually I had to sit her down and have the serious chat, be firm and explain why I wanted to do certain things and what they meant for me (there were lots of tears) and she's come around now to embrace some of my quirkier ideas. She also admitted to being horrendously menopausal and struggling with mood swings and i apologised and she apologised and wrote me a lovely card and we're much closer now.



    I know it's different but if you can - the uncomfortable, brutally honest chat might help. Tell her how you really feel and if she still doesn't come around at least you can get on with your plans knowing you've done everything you can.
  • I agree with the others, you just need to give her space and time.

    My SIL2B is marrying her fiance, who to be honest none of us like, but its her decision. Her mum (My MIL2B) was really against the wedding for ages, mostly because he'd got them both into debt and now SIL2B was paying for a wedding single handedly and it was being held in HIS hometown. Anyway, after a few months her mother still wasn't happy about the wedding but just "accepted" that it was going ahead.



    It's hard watching someone you love making what you beleive is the biggest mistake of their lives. She's probably just angry because she knows she can't stop you and is venting her frustration. I'm sure she didn't mean what she said.

    Give her some time and although she probably wont be happy, she'll be there for you. You're her daughter and she obviously loves you alot to be getting this wound up.
  • Hi Girls,



    Thank you SO much for all of your replies, they have made me feel better. I guess i just feel so frustrated that she can't trust me to make my own decisions and after 6 years i feel as though she should have made more of an effort to bond with my fiance and accept him. He is such a lovely lovely guy and everyone who knows him says that and if my mum just gave him a chance then she will see that too.



    Blarf: i'm so glad that you understand too as you are in a similar situation to myself. My mum has also called my fiance a pervert in the past, but what's more frustrating is that my Granddad was 13 years older than my grandma and they were together for over 60 years! Whenever i say this my mum just says "well that's different" and it's like no matter what i say she just won't budge on her opinion.



    I think that she just flipped because she was putting on this big act all along. I know she will never like him but i thought she had at least "accepted" him, but maybe coming with me to see the dresses and now realising that this wedding is going ahead and it's only 9 and a half months away freaked her out a little. We have always had a love/hate relationship. (my parents opened up a restaurant when i was 8 and so was never really around when i was younger - as they worked nights) so they never really had that much involvement in my life and it's like my mum is trying to control my decisions now because she wasn't around when i was younger.



    After all of your comments, i think i do need to have a big chat with her and just get everything out in the open - the one thing that i have been dreading as we are not a close open family. We tend to communicate through arguing. But i do think it needs to be done in order to move on. I worry that when we have kids, what is she going to be like?! But i've already spoken to my fiance about this and have said to him that i will not put our children through the emotional torture my mum has put me through throughout the years and if she continues with this then she will miss out on our kids lives - and i know this will be her loss and she will regret it.



    I just wish that things were different so badly, i wish that my mum would be happy and supportive for me like she should be, wanting to be interested in my life and not always saying negative things and putting me down.......i do love her so very dearly and always will but i feel that i don't really know her and that the only bond i have with her is that she gave birth to me.....!!!! I feel so guilty saying that.. imageimage !



    Once again, thanks you ladies, you have made me feel better and i appreciate all of your advise so much xxx
  • I'm not in your situation, however I will be 25 and my h2b 39 when we marry, so a similar age gap. My parents seem fine with it, but if you do want a chat or anything, you can message me image
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