Just married and feeling betrayed

Hi

I have another username on this website that I used while planning my wedding but have for obvious reasons logged in as another username. I am absolutely desperate for advice and i'm far too scared to talk to my friends or family about this issue.



Sorry for the long post but please bare with me...



My husband and I have been married since the summer and something relatively bad happened 3 weeks before our wedding but before I mention that I think it would make sense to talk about something that happened before this (in my own mind it might justify the reason why im feeling so bad about the whole situation).



My husband joined his profession a few years ago and this profession has a reputation of having the worst divorce rate and cheating rate. Everywhere you turn there are colleagues having flings with each other which, at the time when he joined, I couldnt care less about as I never assumed anything would happen. Anyway, 6 weeks after we got engaged I was feeling rather ill and fell asleep- I woke up with the lights of a mobile phone and asked my now husband what was wrong - he hid his phone and said nothing. I then got up and looked at his phone as he was trying to delete something. Over his shoulder I could make out that one of his colleagues (female) was telling him how she looks better our of her work uniform than she does in it... and lined with xxxx's. I then got really angry and asked him to show me what was being said to initiate this conversation. He refused to show me and ultimately deleted all of the texts. I've never known what was said in those texts. As a result of this (coined with work related stress), I took a mental breakdown of some sorts- panic attacks, depression, you name it.



I managed to see through this as at the end of the day, it was only a text. Fast forward to 4 weeks before our wedding and I happily was on my hen weekend. I returned home from the weekend and was sorting out photos on our laptop. To cut a long story short, my husband had upgraded his mobile phone and had synced everything from his old phone to our laptop. His phone was and old-ish phone and he never realised that he could sync his message inbox to the laptop. Well he did. I clicked on the folder unbeknown to me that it was his inbox and outbox and to my horror there were conversations saved between him and ANOTHER colleague. This time he was telling her that "Im a lone wolf at home tonight... get yourself down here with beer and condoms". The colleague was responding by telling him she would love to but she's out for a night out. He was also asking her to send pictures of the drunk girls she was out with! As you can imagine I just about broke down again and when my husband came home from work, I told him that this needed to stop.I told him that his profession had a bad name, and he's falling to the bate of every other person in his job. I also told him that I've been disrespected too many times and its caused my mental health to suffer and if he wants me to get better then he needs to sacrifice the relationships he has with his work colleagues. I feel awful about it but I asked him to delete all the female workmates numbers and I said I wouldnt feel comfortable with him socialising with them as I would be feeling really anxious.



This is where I need your advice... I've had so many mental health issues as a result of not trusting him with his work colleagues and I told him that to save our marriage and to save my health I didn't want her to be at the wedding. Of course though, this girl turned up to the wedding and I had to grit my teeth and say nothing. To top matters off, during the wedding (we got married in an exclusive 5 star hotel) this same girl got drunk and started asking other work colleagues to look at her as she put it, jugs, cos she loved her jugs. These male colleagues behaved just as badly as her which really solidified my feelings on his work mates and the way they act.As you can Imagine I nearly had a heart attack and my husband had to take me away from this girl. After the wedding (and before it) I said to my husband, that I've had enough of his behaviour with his colleagues and for christmas I would appreciated it, if he kept his distance from the work night out as i've tried to support him and see through everything thats happened and to stop these issues resurfacing, avoid the situation. When I came across the conversation with this girl, I said to my husband that he needs to keep a low profile with work socialising and when I was asking him all of this, he was totally agreeing with me but now the christmas season is here, he has took a half day from work etc for the night out even though he said in the summer he wouldnt go if it meant making things easier for us.



I feel desperate - I can't talk to anyone as on the outside he's a lovely, quiet and gentle person. If I had to tell people about his relationships with work folk, they would think I'm crazy as my husband wouldnt do such a thing. I also dont want to tell my family as I really dont want them to hate him but I feel tortured.



AM I being unreasonable asking him to steer clear of work related parties? And am I a mug for marrying him in the first place?



Thank you and sorry for the long post.
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  • jen2727jen2727 Posts: 126
    You are not being unreasonable at all! if fact I think you've been extremely reasonable giving him every opportunity to be honest about text messages and to pull back from his workmates and change his ways. Personally I would lay it on the line to him - if he wants to make the marriage work he needs to prove himself to you and if that means sacrificing work dos etc then that's his fault for leading you to mistrust him with all these events. I have to say though it doesn't sound like he's willing to do this.

    I understand you don't want to admit to family and friends that things arent great but I'd really encourage you to talk to someone - noone will judge you. Don't make yourself ill by dealing with it all on your own. Take care x x x
  • SheraleighdSheraleighd Posts: 1,336
    I'm really sorry that you've been going through all this-vile.



    I think you know deep down that you're not being unreasonable- if anything I think you need to be even tougher on his ass because from your post it sounds like you're not confident in your decision making (understandable given what you've been through).



    It's outrageous that he was willing to bring another woman into the marital bed AND that you were subjected to the company of these immoral people at you're own wedding.



    Your husband sounds like a serial cheat (sorry) and I'd make him go to relate and deal with it sooner rather than later.



    You weren't put on this earth to be treated with such utter disrespect and certainly not by the one person who's supposed to cherish you.



    You're well within your rights to insist he does his job and comes home after it without incident but if I were in your shoes I know the mistrust and stress would tip me over the edge after a while- you can't live your life worrying about what your husband's up to do my advice is to stick firmly to your guns and call in the professionals- he needs help and to go and obtain it is the very least he can do to get your marriage back on track.





    Biggest luck & wishes for your future



    xXx
  • Is a person more likely to cheat just because of the work they do? Im not so sure. Im a firm believer that if a person wants to cheat they will do - whether you stop them from going out or check their phones /emails. Some people are just wired that way. Sorry.

    You cant keep giving him chance after chance. What about your self respect? Im sorry but if he had any for you then he would of told this female work colleague that shes not welcome to your wedding.

    One of my H2B friends is a serial cheater and i feel awful knowing about it but his gf honestly thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

    I honestly hope he sorts himself out. You sound like you deserve to be happy and i cant think of anything worse then spending your life with someone you dont trust.
  • ChardonnayChardonnay Posts: 1,761
    "Im a lone wolf at home tonight... get yourself down here with beer and condoms".



    I would have left at this point, I'm sorry to say. I think your husband is showing an absolute lack of respect for you and your feelings at this point, and you need to take care of your own mental health. Is there someone you could go to stay with for a while? I'm not saying your husband could not change his behaviour and this could all work out, but I'm not sure that he's appreciating how damaging and unreasonable his behaviour is, and by staying he will never learn this.



    I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds awful. Please do speak to someone- a family member, a friend- because his behaviour is making you think you are the one in the wrong and you certainly are not.
  • More likely to cheat because of the work they do?? Rubbish. My husband works and lives in a different country to me and we trust each other implicitly



    You're talking as though him sending utterly inappropriate texts and acting te way he is is his jobs fault???



    You need to get some time away from him and realise that this isn't right.



    Really sorry to hear that you're in this situation.
  • I have to say I agree with some of the other girls, it's not work that's making him cheat, it's him. Work might be providing him with more opportunities but when it comes down to it it's him that chooses to do this.



    Don't blame work, blame him



    I hope you find a way through this x
  • A person cheats if they have a cheating heart, not because their work colleagues cheat.



    I think, personally, you shouldn't have married this man. You knew he wasn;'t being totally faithful to you before the wedding, so why did you go ahead with it?



    He isn't showing you any of the respect he should be showing you and you know it. You forgiven him all the time doesn't make you understanding it makes you a bit of a push over, as he then knows he can get away with anything and you'll just forgive him because you don't want to be seen as spoling his fun or whatever.



    I think you need to find the courage inside yourself to dump him and to believe that you are worth more than what you're getting.
  • Sheraleighd - "You weren't put on this earth to be treated with such utter disrespect and certainly not by the one person who's supposed to cherish you." - couldn't agree more
  • mrsrhmrsrh Posts: 433
    Sorry to be totally blunt, BUT - you've married your husband knowing how he's likely to behave and that these issues are affecting your mental health. I would've been off the first time anything suspicious happened, but then i do believe that you should give people a second chance. He now seems to have gone back for more, even though he promised you he wouldn't.



    I don't think it's unreasonable of him to stay away from distrations/bad influences if that's what he wants to do in order to save your marriage, i do however feel it's unreasonable of you to make or force him to. He has to respect you enough to remove himself from those situations.

    I do also believe that if someone is going to cheat, they will cheat - people still cheat when it's not put there in front of them so it's no excuse that it's rife in his career path/choice. You've forgiven him for his behaviour so where is his reason to change?



    I know it's easy for me to sit here and say get out when you love him so much and that he's seen by everyone else as being respectable, honest, caring, the perfect husband, etc. In my opinion, you need to come to realise that this is who and what your husband is - then decide whether you are willing to live the rest of your life like this or ask him for a divorce and walk away. You can live without him and it won't make you a bad person. You don't even need to tell family all the gory details, just say there are irreconcilible (hope i've spelt it right!) differences.



    Life is too short to not be happy, and if he's making you unhappy then you need to move on.
  • Hiya,



    I'm guessing Me and my hisband are in the same 'job' as your husband. Some people say cheating is prolific, but it isn't. I have only known of 1 instance of cheating and that was over 4 years ago.



    I'm really just agreeing with the girls above.



    I have a colleague whose wife asked him to delete facebook, all females from mobile etc etc and he did it. He got some ribbing from mates but he did it to ease her fears because she was insecure. They are happily married and parents now. She is slowly letting him get in touch with women he works with again. Anyhoo, what I meant to say was, what you asked isn't outrageous and people do it, your husband doesn't want to, for whatever reason image



    Having said that, I do have a colleague who is a filthy bugger to female colleagues and if I was his wife and I knew, he'd be getting debollocked as he is so disresepectful.



    Please have confidence in yourself and trust your instincts
  • I'm curious to know what this profession is and why cheating is so widespread?



    I've been reading posts on this thread today and I agree with the majority, I'm sorry but your husband really doesn't seem to be showing you any respect and for that woman to behave like that at your wedding- I would have been furious!!!



    I am worried because you mention your mental health and I so hope that you have a good support network around you, I think you are going to need them if not now then later because he really doesn't sound like he's giving it a thought.



    I'm so sorry if that sounds harsh but I do hope you find some happiness and relief soon x
  • Bless you this sounds so awful and I really hope you are able to pull through it!



    Not sure if it's the same profession, but my h2b is a police officer and a friend of a friend warned me off going out with someone in the police because they have a high divorce rate and because of the pressure and sometimes grim situations they witness, they can turn to each other for 'support'.



    Having said that, my h2b isn't like that and I trust him implicitly. I wouldn't be marrying him if I thought he could do that to me.



    I think as said on here already you deserve to be treated so much better than that and he isn't respecting your feelings or what it's doing to you health wise. I'm sad to say that if you are feeling like this now, what makes you think it will be different in the future? Could you see yourself coping with this if you had childrent together?



    I do hope you find a positive way forward xxxx
  • My husband is in the Navy and they are notorious for being filthy. I think my husband sums it up best though: 'Im not an animal, I have a choice and I would never choose to cheat.'



    Your husband needs to start showing you some respect NOW.



    If it was me I would be talking about it to anyone who could support me and help me, whether its friends, family, his family, anyone. At the end of the day your health is more important than his 'nice guy' image. You need to explain to him how this is making you feel and ask him to make a choice; to continue this pathetic behaviour or to put his wife and her well being first. If he can't man up to that situation then he is pathetic and the sl*gs at work are welcome to him.



    Look after yourself xx
  • What kind of profession is this? And why do all of its proponents sound like utter @rseholes, your husband included?



    Anyone who hides behind their line of work as justification for this kind of behaviour, with the possible exception of those who work as prostitutes, is a shallow, self-serving moron. Sorry but I think your husband has a choice: either he eschews this lifestyle FOR GOOD and sticks to it, or you have to call time on the relationship for the sake of your sanity.



    You need to have a full, frank and honest discussion with your husband and you have to make it absolutely clear that this behaviour is unacceptable. He needs to agree and, more importantly, understand why the change is needed. If he then shows that he can't, or won't, change, then clearly he has no respect for you and you need to get out.



    Sorry to sound so blunt but to be honest your husband is coming across as scum, from what you have written. You deserve better than this- and you need to work out sooner rather than later which way this marriage is going to go. Give him the chance to do something about it, but give him one chance and one chance only. If you keep putting up with this, things won't get better.



    Good luck x
  • Betrayedagain- your user name says it all .

    I know it's easier for others 2 say, but after the 1st instance with the txts and things he was saying 2 the 1st colleague I'd have been gone!

    He obviously does not give 1 F*** about you otherwise it would never have happened!

    I'm assuming he's in the police as that has a bad reputation, but I'm afraid it's the people that give it a bad name not the job title!

    My h2b works as a paramedic in the ambulance service which is just as similar when working with female colleagues constantly 2gether, but I'd b damned if I bought the bull that his job title means he's likely 2 cheat!

    If he's a scum bag with no respect for me or his kids then he's likely to cheat!



    I hope u realise he's an A! Hole and will prob continue what he's doing and you get rid of him!



    Sorry if this is a bit insensitive and not sugar coated but I hate men that do whatever they please in a relationship or married, and I don't understand women who don't get out , but like I said it's easier said than done!

    I think if u stay with him u know how your marriage isn't going 2 b about the 2 of you's! X
  • I agree with the others i dont think the job makes some one a cheat, i feel the reason some profesions have a bad name is that some jobs give more opportunity, ie army navy police , were you work shifts or frequently finish work late. This gives a cheat the excuse to not be home on time.



    just to reiterate what every one else says its not the job making him cheat its him and to be honest he sounds like a dog on heat, this doesnt sound like the situation were he has started a new job got close to some one and gone a step to far as he has been flattered, These are different girls and it looks like he is going for the girls that give it out quite freely.

    Dont even know what to suggest for you, but the minimum i would be doing is making him delete numbers, i would be wanting a transfer to a more grown up department or at least to a different shift. But to be honest if there are multiple woman not sure what they wil do. Either way i would not be having him going out like this on a shift do.



    whilst i would normally say work at at i also like to think you only have one life do whats right for you, just make sure if you do work at it that it is both of you working at it otherwise thereis no point. It sounds like he has no respect for you
  • Regardless of what his profession is, work doesn't make you a cheater. Working long hours and seeing more of your collegues than you do of your spouse is no reason to cheat (my ex tried using it as an excuse when I caught him out, he was a chef and got 'close' to a waitress).

    It sounds like he's using his job as an excuse, like you should have expected it to happen at some point.

    Really, his work collegues should respect the fact that he is married now and therefore 'off limits' and he shouldn't be encouraging anyone. But that's what he is doing. He can't use any excuse saying it was the girl doing the chasing. Asking someone to come round with beers and condoms (he sounds charming by the way), to come to YOUR home is beyond any excuse.



    There is no point me saying 'I wouldn't have done this, I wouldn't have married him etc etc'. This is the situation you are in. The only advice I can give you is DO talk to your family and friends. By keeping quiet about it you are almost defending him, you don't want people to know how he is treating you because then they will think badly of him. Being 'named and shamed' may be enough of a trigger for him to stop. You may also want to consider talking to Relate, find out why he's behaving like this when he knows what it's doing to your health.

    I'm sorry to say, but any man who is going to repeat behaviour he knows causes you to have panic attacks, stress and depression isn't thinking of you at all. You need to find out why.

    Good luck.
  • pminxypminxy Posts: 320
    Oh sweetie poor you. Genuinely he has suffered no consequences to being a dick, he needs to realise he will lose you. For whatever reason the grass seems greener on the other side to him, if all his work colleagues are getting up to no good and having a great time he wants to be part of it. What he clearly doesn't realise is what he actually has and what he stands to lose.

    xxxx
  • I'm guessing that I'm in the same job as your husband too. At my place of work there seems to be lots of cheating. I'm marrying outside 'the job' for this reason. There are lots of happy couples to though. But what your husband has done in inexcusable and don't let him tell you that he has done it because they understand him and his job because that's crap. Yeah they do they same work as him but its a cop out for cheating and lying to you.
  • ElleblueElleblue Posts: 206
    My husband is in the RAF and I know for a fact that most of his fellow crew members have cheated when down route...so yes some professions have higher rates of cheating than others - not saying that all people in the Forces cheat it is of course down to the person. But when you get a plane load of men with female cabin crew in Bermuda or Vegas for a week off then things happen...very glad to say that my husband steers clear of these types of folk though! image



    I think you need to give him an ultimatum and say its you or the other woman - give yourself some respect love!!
  • Your post broke my heart. I feel so deeply for you. Men aren't going to cheat just because of the work they do. If he truly loved and respected you, it wouldn't matter if ALL of his colleages had flings. He wouldn't have given in. You were very, very leniant to forgive him and go through with the wedding - but for him to allow his colleagues to turn up and expect you to say nothing??? You must really have the patience of a saint to have put up with him and his behaviour. It shocked me to the core. My gut feeling is to tell you to GET OUT NOW while you can! You already admitted you're having mental health problems because of him. What sort of husband doesn't support his wife through mental health problems?! He has got you right where he wants you - feeling vulnerable, insecure and frightened. He's making the most of your terrible situation and behaving exactly as he wants. You NEED to tell your closest friends and family. A mum, your aunt, whoever. I guarantee their reaction will be the same as mine! I know this isn't what you want to hear but he is no good for you. Please, please, please, get out while you are still strong enough to realise what he's doing.
  • You seem to let him off the hook because of his profession - it's almost like you've accepted it's ok for him to behave like this because of his job. He is a human, he has a choice and he has chosen to break your trust time and time again - it has nothing to do with his job!



    It's clear that he has no respect for you, if the first time you had caught him texting someone else had been a blip and he'd learned his lesson, you wouldnt be in the position you're in now.



    Your mental health issues are seperate to this, yes whats happening may have triggered how you're feeling now, but you should go to the doctor and ask for help for yourself, not to save your marriage. Please have the strength to go and see somebody, you dont deserve to feel like this.



    Im going to be completely honest - your husband is a complete and utter scum bag. He let this woman come to your wedding?! That is taking the absolute P1ss. If he had any respect for you or felt any remorse for what he was doing, she would not have been there. He knows the stress and worry is making you ill, yet he is still planning on going on his work night out?



    You need to tell someone, a friend or family member, and find the strength from somewhere to leave this man. He will only continue to hurt you.
  • It's not his job that makes him cheat - although I appreciate that if its one which involves a significant amount of socialising, the opportunity may present itself more than some jobs.



    I don't know why he has cheated again, but he doesn't seem to have a lot of care for your overall wellbeing. He knows his old texts upset you, yet this didn't stop him. He doesn't seem to have much regard for you or your feelings.



    If he cared that much for you, he would make concessions to make you feel more confident in your relationship. I think you need to decide if you can live the rest of your life wondering who he just received a text from, and what he's up to when you go out of an evening. If you can't live like that, then you may need to look at your options.



    Whatever you decide, please do not let this man continue to behave in the way he has. This is not the way a husband/wife is supposed to treat the person they committed to for the rest of their lives xx
  • How horrible for you but frankly if he's into this sort of nonsense at this stage then what the hell will he be like in 5 years??!!



    I don't think you should have married him but you did so I think Relate is the only way forward. You need to get to the route of why he behaves like this and ALSO what makes you accept it. Something is very wrong here and it will only get worse.



    My firm view is that you should never marry if you find yourself compromising
  • I'm assuming he's a police oficer by the sounds of things.



    And as someone who works for the police - I understand completely. I can probably count on my one hand the amount of officers who are faithful.



    They all say that "its the work we do" - bullsh*t.

    They spend an awful amount of time together, shift patterns and as you said - nights out together. They have a comradery that is really tight. Mix all this in and temptation is there -

    Unfortunately, you became aware of his behaviour and still married him. He's getting his cake and eating it.



    Your the Cheryl Cole and he's the Ashley. Don't let him take you for a mug.



    Chin up sweetie, I know its easy for us all to sit here and dish out the advice, it's alot harder for you to act on it.



    xx
  • welshgracewelshgrace Posts: 1,224
    I agree with Blarf in that marriage will take a lot of hard work, and you did enter it knowing what he was like (that does not mean you deserve it though!).



    However, I completely disagree with Blarf's statement about cheating. He has cheated on you. Maybe he hasn't been physically intimate with another person, but in my book, inviting someone over for sex is cheating. No question about it.



    You need to talk things through with him and make him understand that it is his behaviour that is making you unwell. Perhaps you could even show him this thread, so he can see how it is affecting you and that it is not a case of you overreacting.



    Whatever happens, I hope you can move on from this x
  • Sometimes, divorce is better than being being married and miserable image This man isn't just showing complete lack of love and respect for his wife, he is continuing to behave in a way that is seriously affecting her mental health! Inviting someone over for sex surely constitutes cheating in my book - and even if it didn't happen the thought was still there?!
  • I do think that in an ideal world, the OP wouldn't have married this scumbag and it would be much easier to tell her to get out while she still can. But marry him she did, rightly or wrongly- maybe she thought the commitment of marriage would settle him down, who knows? The fact that they're now married doesn't mean anything if the marriage was a mistake to begin with, and having a piece of paper to formalise the relationship doesn't mean she has to fight to keep it together while he goes gaily on his way, flirting and doing who-knows-what-else with random women.



    As I said in my earlier post- talk to him- put your foot down and make it clear that his behaviour is unacceptable, and must stop. If he can't or won't change, that's it. There's no point fighting for something if one party clearly doesn't see a problem with his behaviour.
  • No you arent being unreasonable and yes you are a mug for marrying this scumbag. Sorry to be harsh but you did come on here for advice.



    Some professions do have a higher rate of cheating, however, you cant blame that and he cant use that as an excuse. What profession is he in - I am intrigued?



    Marriages do take work, but you have been married only a few months, if its hard work now, whats it going to be like in years to come?!



    You deserve better than this, how can you be happy with someone who treats you like this and makes you feel like utter crap?
  • In addition to everything the other girls have said, one of the big questions for me when I'm in a relationship is whether I would want to bring a child into the relationship.



    So is this behaviour one that you would want your children to see? By your husband acting this way and you forgiving him, you are condoning this behaviour and therefore setting an example for your children as to what is acceptable. Would you really want your kids to grow up like that?



    Also, it is possible that you husband will continue down the path he is going, it sounds like it is in his nature, and therefore it may well be possible that if you do have children you may end up leaving him and breaking up your family home becuase of his affairs.



    This may seem extreme, but it is the thought process I would be going through. I wouldn't want my children to think this behavour was right, and I wouldn't want to bring children into a family which has a high possibility of breaking down.



    To me, if I couldn't bring children into the relationship, then it can't be a positive relationship, and that would tell me everything i would need to about whether it was time to get out or not.



    Good luck though, this will be very difficult for you, I do recommend you speak with family or friends - you shouldn't be embarrassed, you have done nothing wrong!
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