What would you do?

Hello



I am already a member of this forum but dont want to post under my original username.



I have a dilemma i need a bit of help with....



My h2b has a female friend, who he has been friends with for almost 10 years. At one point they dated for a few years. she became close to his family etc etc.



I dont have a problem with this in the sligtest, but i do have a problem with how she has treated me. Im not good with explaining so ill make a list :

In the beginning when she first met me she told h2b that she thought "i wasnt right for him" without even knowing me.

She sent h2b a pic of her and her friend in their underwear in their cars. I messaged her to say it was innapropraite and she replied saying i was over exagerating, but we got past it.

She has constantly made digs about me, making sly remarks about me on facebook, h2b thought i was looking inot it too much but even mil2b agreed it was most likely about me.

I have been told by 4 friends that she also knows that she is still secretly in love with him and im inclined to agree.

When we moved house she came to our housewarming party, and just shortly aftert he party started she was crying through the kitchen, i went to see if she was ok and h2b was talking to her. she said that she was just a bit upset that she is single all the time and getting older etc etc, and we had a quick chat i tried to cheer her up. h2b told her to go get a drink and have a good night. She got very drunk, was sick in my kitchen sink didnt tell me, made a fool of me in front of everybody, it was my h2b that actually noticed what she did, making faces at me etc. Later i found out that when she was crying she had actually said "This should be my home"





Now, i have been nothing but nice to her, inviting her all the time to event s parties etc, i have never said a nasty word to her despite everything she has done to me. H2b just says thats how she is, she was like that with all his other partners in the past, but now she realises that im serious because we are getting married shes now trying to be nice to me. He says its like her test, to try push his partners away but this time because its serious she has given up.



I just cant take anymore though. he sticks up for her all the time despite what she did, yet if anybody else upsets me in any way he doesnt put up with it. I know that he loves me and that there isnt anything between them, that im a million percent sure, its not that kind of problem.



So, I recently decided that i didnt want her at the wedding. She makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable plus she is always hanging around his family. She makes me feel like she already has the place in his family that is for me.i know that sound silly but its the way it is.



So last night h2b and me were talking, and he says that he spoke to her a few days ago and she was asking about the wedding saying she was going to buy a hat etc. i think he was hoping that i was going to say oh just let her come, he told me he doesnt know how to telll her she cant come without her taking the huff with him. I told him that i would call her, or if he told her just to tell her the truth that after her behaviour its not appropraite that she comes. I think he finds it awkward and i can understand.Even though he says im most important, its my day and if i dont want her there then thats end of story.



My question is, am i doing the right thing? I think that its my day and i dont want her there making me feel crappy, but on the flipside its h2bs day and she is his long term friend.



A lot of my friends that know her know whats she like and think its apalling the way she has treated me. but should i put my h2b first?

I know that on the day i prob wont care because ill be so happy.Im confused please help!!!

Posts

  • mrsrhmrsrh Posts: 433
    I can understand you not wanting her there, but how does your OH feel about continuing their friendship? Sounds to me like he doesn't know how or want to tell in case he upsets her and she doesn't speak to him again (and is worried about a possible fall out - which may be possible if she kicks off and is still close to his family).

    It definitely sounds like your relationship with your OH is solid and that her actions were/are out of issues that she has.

    Can you come to a compromise in that you invite her only to the evening reception? On the basis that she behaves herself?



    When's the wedding? When are you planning on sending out the invites?



    I think only you and your OH can really sit down and decide together about how to move forward together with this. I agree with not having her there all day, but then you need to decide whether you can compromise and allow her to be invited to the evening in order to not allow her to affect things. By not inviting her at all, it's as if you worry that she's a threat. Hopefully, seeing him so happy on his wedding day will allow her to grow up and realise that she needs to move on with her life.
  • pminxypminxy Posts: 320
    It's a tough one, personally I wouldn't have someone at my wedding who made me feel like sh*t but it depends on how good friends he is with her and if you feel she could start making an effort. Perhaps have a few girls over for drinks and invite her too, see how it is.

    xxx
  • i would invite her. maybe if she sees how happy you both are and actually sees you make your vows she'll realize its never going to be her with him. All eyes will be on you on the day including your husbands so the only person to feel uncomfortable will be her.
  • I personally don't think I would want her there, but if you don't invite her it sounds like you might have trouble on your hands! If you have the full support and agreement of your h2b then I wouldn't invite her, or like another poster said just invite her to the evening do (I quite like that idea) but if you suspect your h2b does want her there you may have to grin and bear it, hope she behaves and hope (like another poster said!) that when she sees how much you love each other she will back off.



    Sorry if that's not overly helpful, you have my sympathy x
  • I don't think I would feel comfortable having someone like that at my wedding, but like mrsrh suggested talk to him and see how much it means to him. Perhaps as also suggested a compromise of inviting her to the reception could show willing on your part, but still allow you to have the majority of your day without feeling uncomfortable.
  • I am split on this one, I agree with everything everyone has posted! When I read your post I thought 'no way would I want her there!' but after someone made the excellent point of maybe she needs to see you make your vows to be able to let go, I think I agree with that.



    I would totally have people on stand by though, I would get your husband to have a chat with her before hand, just nicely asking her why she said that and to explain it makes you uncomfortable, just saying 'we want to have the air completley clear before the wedding' while you're listening to the conversation. And then for the day I would have my bridesmaids totally on watch and the first sign of trouble she would be out of there! By not inviting her you're skirting around the issue and if she's in H2Bs life its going to have to get sorted at some point... if not now, when?
  • I banned one of h2b's female friends form our wedding and she is actually no longer welcome in our lives. She never spoke to me even when I tried to have conversations with her. H2b ignored the fact that she clearly had an issue with me. That is until she sent him an email that in all honesty, a married woman shouldn't send to a man in a committed relationship. Then he realised that this went beyond her just not liking me and that she was genuinely out to cause trouble.

    Up until then she was actually on our guest list.



    So, while some may say she needs to see you taking your vows, I would have to go with ditch her from the wedding. How would your h2b feel if you insisted on inviting a male friend who treated him like [email protected]? You don't want people there on the day who are going to harbour bad feelings towards you, especially when alcohol is likely to be involved.

    Stand your ground. Don't invite someone to your wedding that you wouldn't invite into your home. H2b should put your feelings first. Not hers.

    If people ask why she's not invited, tell them. You shouldn't need to have 'people on standby' at your wedding incase someone causes trouble or upsets you. Tell your h2b she's not welcome and explain clearly why. What's he going to do, refuse to come if she's not invited?

  • I TOTALLY agree with Steampunkbride. I was in the middle of typing a similar response when my laptop crashed- I logged back in and there was an answer very similar to mine!



    If your H2B really cares, he will appreciate the stress and upset this immature little harpy is causing. Have her nowhere near your wedding- even if she only gets an evening invite, you can bet she'll have one too many and either deliberately or inadvertently kick off, or otherwise cause trouble. Neither you nor your H2B need that kind of aggro on your big day, and from what you've said, most of your friends will completely understand why she's not been invited.



    Forget inviting her to see your vows being made, I reckon excluding her altogether will drive the point home just as effectively. Tell your H2B that if he can't break the news to her, you will be happy to do it yourself, not to mention politely telling her why. I bet that puts a boot up his backside... my guess is he is already aware of what's going on but doesn't want to have to confront it or cause any upset...







  • In my view shes lucky that shes still seeing him at all!



    If I were you I would have booted her out of his life completely. She doesnt sound like a close friend so maybe its worth suggesting you H2b doesn't see her anymore unless its a group gathering?



    Its not an issue of whether you trust him or not. You need to drive the point home that her behaviour is unacceptable. Give her no invite to any part of the wedding and personally speak to her and tell her why.



    I know you are concerned that shes his long term friend but what kid of friend puts her male friend in comprimising situations and obviously wants to be more of a friend?



    If all else fails and people insist she comes, just put laxatives in her meal the night before. image
  • Thank you for all the replies.



    Part of me wants to invite her because she is his long term friend and i sense that he would just like everything to be ok and for her to be there.



    H2b has said before that they have been friends for so long and that he sees past all the crap, but ive told him i cant understand why a good friend who hurt your other half so blantenly. if she doesnt like me, thats fine, that cant be helped, but there isnt any need to be a bitch to me. I get the usual response.."Thats just the way she is"



    I know she wont kick off or say anything, she is not a big drinker (she believes its not "classy" to drink a lot) and she wouldnt dare make herself look bad in front of everyone. She does her bitching in a sneaky way, so if i said to her about all the things she has said and done, i know that she would turn it around and me me look like i am just jealoous/ overreacting / stupid etc. The thing is, she is nice to my face in front of him, texts me asking how i am etc. She pretends to be nice to me but is super two faced.



    I just get annoyed that h2b never says anything to her about these things. he has in the past accused me of looking into things too much and he belives that alhtough she has tried to test me, that she actually likes me. But i know shes only making him think like that so she doesnt look bad.



    The time with the housewarming, i turned around and she was dancing right in front of my h2b who was sitting on the sofa (no-one else was dancing) and i caught him looking up to her and saying angrily "Im not impressed" When i later asked him what it was about, her told me that i had said something to my friend (cant rem) and she had laughed right at my back and drew me a hideous look. But nothing more was said about it....hsb just left it at that.



    Im so confused. I was considering inviting her to the evening, so everyone is happy yet she kind of gets the message that she isnt important enough in our lives to attend the ceremony. I have spoken to h2b about this, twice, and he keeps saying if i dont want her there then she wont come because at the end of the day if im happy thats all that matter. But there is a niggling feeling there that he is worried about the reaction we will get from her, most likely her not talking to him anymore.



    Thanks again ladies. and lol @ velvitish!
  • DuddersDudders Posts: 1,659 New bride
    Hi ms reid,



    Sounds to me like he's agreed she won't come if you don't want her to. You clearly don't actually want her there, so go with it. The girl sounds like she's not quite the full ticket. If she comes and does cause a scene, you can't regain what gets ruined, but if you don't invite her, she will get the message this behaviour isn't on. She will then either make a fool of herself and show her true colours so h2b will leave her in his past or she will get the message and understand that you are the most important thing in his life and that if she's like this to you, she doesn't get to be a part of it. If you really want to give her a chance before the wedding, meet with her, with h2b and lay it on the line.



    I get that want to make h2b happy, but she will just keep doing this if she's allowed to continue! This has to stop somewhere!



    Good luck
  • Thanks Dudders image

    You're right, she isnt the full ticket. At times i actually feel sorry for her, she thrives on attention and compliments etc. But her attitude stinks, shes puts others down all the time and just generally looks down her nose at everyone.



    Anyway ladies, after reading your posts over and over again trying to figure out what to do...ive decided that im not inviting her. Its best all round and although im a wimp at times, i will face the music and tell her the truth if she asks.



    Thanks again for all the help image xx
  • Coming back to this today I think you are doing the right thing, she sounds like a manipulative sh1t stirring troublemaker! Good luck hun x
  • MrMunchMrMunch Posts: 216
    To add a guys point of view, I appreciate that friends are friends but, in my opinion, the hubby of the OP needs to grow a pair ASAP and tell this other lady to pack in her stupid behaviour or HE will end the friendship!
  • Well said Mr Munch image
  • Hmm..you could invite her to let her know you aren't bothered what she does or says, you'll be seen as the 'good' one in the H2B's eyes..and she'll be very jealous of how beautiful you look. On the other hand, you say she makes you uncomfortable - are you able to push that aside and ignore her on your day, or will it ruin it? And is your h2b being a wimp by not sticking up for you and rocking the boat? I'm split on this one I'm afraid..sorry that's no help!
  • Just wanted to add that we all know a bitch like that, and I absolutely DETEST those girls that do their bitching in a secretive, snidey way that makes everyone else think YOU are being super sensitive. Nice to know I'm not the only one who knows a superbitch image
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