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MOH Wobbles

Hello all,

This is probably the same as loads of people who have posted on here but I need to get this off my chest and see what others think.

When we decided to set our wedding date and start planning myself and h2b decided we would only have our daughter as a flowergirl as we dont have a huge budget etc. When I annouced to my best mate that we had set a date etc she was so excited for us and asked if we were having moh and bms etc. I explained due to cost etc we would just have our little one. She asked IF money was no object would I have others and i said i would have her as moh and her daughter as a bm. She then offered to pay for dresses for herself and her little one so they could be involved. I was well chuffed with this as i really wanted them involved, we literally used to be with each other 5 days a week with our kiddies while our men folk were working!!!

Anyway....for the first few weeks we talked about the wedding and things seemed good. She was looking up things for me on the net and showing me things she had found that she thought I might like.

As the months rolled on I invited her to loads of things, dress shopping, wedding fayres, shopping trips to get some bits, days at mine to do craft things for wedding etc. There were more than 10 times I asked her to do stuff with me or to set a day we could do things and I was always blown off. I know she has no problems in her life and I was always willing to do any days that were convienient to her and her family, i was happy to work around her.

The one time we arranged to do stuff for the whole day, when we met up in morning she had made plans with others for the afternoon and spent the whole time on her phone, she couldnt wait to go as soon as it was time to leave.

Since then I have done most of my stuff with another friend who has been great. I have a few things coming up that i will give my moh chance to come to or help me with but if she choses not to again then i dont know what to do. She hasnt even seen my dress but my other friend has and probably knows more about my wedding than my moh.

I am normally quite an upfront person and to be honest i am not afraid of conflict. Half of me really wants to say, look you obviously dont want to help and be involved so why did you offer to be moh but the other half of me cant be bothered with an arguement (there have been plenty with oh family with people that dont want to go to wedding if so and so is going etc, nothing to do with me and oh) and i am not sure if i can deal with more arguements. But then i feel torn as it is OUR big day and if i dont think she is interested why should she play a role in it???????

I just dont know whether to let it slide and hope she does stuff next year or whether to say anything? Other friends of ours are saying she has been crap and I should confront her.

There are other nwr issues, like she has started to not invite me and h2b to social things (her hubby doesnt really like us lol) and i have started to see her less and less. It is at the point that if i had a problem she would be quite far down my list of people i would contact, feel so sad about it all as when i had pnd she was my rock. Not sure where it all went wrong really image

Thank you for listening to my rant ladies xx


  • Hi Sarah

    I can give you some advice from personal experience if you would like?

    It sounds like sadly this friendship is already on the slide. It's not your fault, but clearly her life is moving on in a different direction, and if her husband isn't keen on you for whatever reason (people can be totally irrational or just selfish) then to be very honest I can't see the situation getting much better.

    I had a BM who was DESPERATE to be asked, so I asked her and she was so excited. However in the 18 months leading up to our wedding she was nowhere to be seen. I never asked for much from my BMs but I did, obviously, ask them to come to choose the dress each wanted (which I paid for), again for a fitting when the dresses came in, and then to let me know in advance by text or email how they wanted their hair done etc. Other than that, I didn't ask them to do anything other than to turn up on the day and have a nice time.

    This particular BM could not have shown less interest if she tried. It took three months to get her to come along and choose her dress, by which time we were pushing it time-wise, and then several weeks again to come for the fitting. She ummed and aahed about availability for a hen do and in the end I gave up trying because she was so difficult to tie down, and went ahead without her. She pitched up at the venue at 11pm the night before our wedding, stayed the night, 'did' the wedding, stayed the night again (I paid for all her accommodation) then buggered off at 7am the morning after without a word to any of us. Since then we have heard nothing from her, and neither have any of her other mutual friends. Additionally she let us down quite badly in that she dumped her boyfriend a fortnight before the wedding but never told us about it and we didn't find out until the night before that he wasn't coming. Had I known, I'd have offered the space to one of our evening guests who we had really wanted to invite for the day, but couldn't due to space.

    To cut a very long story short, had I known then (or trusted my instincts in the early days), I'd have ditched her. She added nothing to the day other than sitting around in her dress looking pretty and drinking free wine. And whilst I was planning the wedding, she was a constant source of frustration which I could have done without. Oh and she never even bought us a wedding card- a small thing, but it just completes the picture of someone who is all about 'me, me, me' and let us down when it mattered.

    In your shoes, I'd have a chat with this friend and see if the situation can be salvaged at all. But I wouldn't be afraid to ditch her because as you can see, if she's not exactly a tower of strength right now then things may not get better as the wedding approaches. It sounds like your other friend is lovely btw- any chance of promoting her? Good luck x

  • Thanks for your response Flossy. I think you are right and if i am honest i dont see the friendship ever going back to how it was. We had plans to meet up today and tomorrow yet when seeing her today she announced she has planned something else tomorrow and she picked holes in my toddlers behaviour all day (she is 17 months old!). Think I will try and sit down with her in the new year and have a chat. Will offer the chance to come to the things that i would like her to come too and if she cant/wont make an effort for it then i will say that its best to not have moh, especially as we didnt plan to have one in first place.

    I guess it is times like this you find out who your friends are lol xx
  • Perhaps she didn't realise how much would be expected of her? You've asked her to help you 10 times (that she's said no to, presumably more than 10 including the ones that she has helped with)?

    Got to say, I wouldn't anticipate being relied on that much if I were a bridesmaid/MOH and would be quite miffed if I were her...

    Perhaps you laid out all your expectations in advance in which case ignore me. If not, just an alternate view maybe?
  • When we first talked about it all she was actually the one saying about cant wait for dress shopping and doing shopping days and stuff. Also she suggested we do a lot of it ourselves, like making the bouquets, table decs etc and said she would help with everything as she done it all before. Thats why i am so stumped at the change. Dont get me wrong, I am not some bridezilla who expects her to drop it all for me. As i orginally said i didnt plan to have a moh at all so would have been doing it alone or with friends anyway. But i have always had the idea that if you have a moh or bms you do bits together??

    I guess it is now coming down to the fact of me not wanting a moh who has no involvement or knowledge of what we are doing on the day, to me that is a normal guest. I dont think you can barely see someone for months and then turn up at their wedding and be a moh??

    Still miffed image
  • hey sarah

    i have and am going through the same thing, my moh was my sister and she started getting nasty about my toddlers, talking and stabbing me in the back as sisters do (but we were always close like best friends growing up). i have told her i dont need a moh as i have everything in order and i can arrange my own hen night. she can still be a bridesmaid if she wants but up to her, nothing personal (even though she has hurt me deeply over my children and she has no kids of her own to judge).

    my other bridesmaid who wont come to dress choosing etc i gave a get out clause to and asked if she wanted to be left off the hook if she was unable to make fittings etc and i cant pick a dress for her as her shape is totally different to my other bridesmaids.

    trust me when i say im going through the same thing as i am. here if you need a chat or to sound off x
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