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My friend's jealousy is getting me down...

Hello all,



I have a very good friend, who I do an awful lot with, plus my H2B and her boyfriend get along really well (we've been on holiday together/ go out nearly every week together etc). In nearly every way, she is a really lovely person.



The problem is, that she really wants to get married but her boyfriend isn't quite ready for that yet. I completely feel for her, and have really done my best to console her when she's been upset.



HOWEVER, I really feel like it's starting to get to me - whenever anyone mentions my wedding, she throws a bit of a tantrum and refuses to talk to anyone (and publicly makes her bf's life quite difficult at times!). It's got to the stage where if my wedding is mentioned, I feel that I have to hush it up so that she doesn't get offended... Am I doing the right thing? I don't want to be selfish... but I don't think it's too much to ask that I be allowed to be excited about the biggest day of my life.



I know I'll probably get replies saying that I should talk to her, and I know that I probably should. I do worry though as she's quite a fiery girl, and I can see her flipping out... Soooo any ideas on how to approach this?



Thanks in advance image

Posts

  • She sounds like shes acting quite immature about it and a friend as close as she nd you seem to be should be so happy for you and excited and wanting to joing in the fun of planning and looking at dresses and going over details, not making the bride feel like she cant even talk about her wedding or get excited in front of her.



    If shes invited to your big day which i expect she is, how is she going to behave then? Her behavior this far is not acceptable or kind.



    This is to do with her and her partner and she should be able to keep her feeling separate to your wedding. Its not your fault her partner is not ready for marriage. Maybe he will be one of those men that just cant see themselves getting married for a while if atal and if thats the case hows she gonna take it? And also what about other circumstances, like when you and your H2B wanted to start a family and yet again her relationship isnt at that stage? What then?

    Im all for not rubbing it in peoples faces when its a sensitive subject for another friend but how shes making you feel is much worse IMO and very inconsiderate and selfish of her.- not something a friendship can really last on tbh.



    I have a friend, we had similar relationship where we saw eachother often were close and she was pregnant when i announced that me and OH were going to try for number 2, we have a 2 year old little boy already and had waited til it was right for us to try for another. This just happened to clash with her being pregnant with her first.



    Dont get me wrong i understand how special a first pregnancy is and she would talk all the time about her pregnancy, how excited she was and how she had all these things she'd bought and had planned and i just generally couldnt get a word in edgeways LOL - but like you she made me feel like i couldnt talk or get excited about the fact that me and my OH were even JUST trying, because she only wanted to be the only one pregnant amongst all her friends and her and even her DH kept saying things to me like ' but isnt Olli (my son) enough?' ' dont steal our thunder' ' youve already got a baby why do you want another right now?' she would change the subject if i even mentioned how me and my OH's trying was going, - its an exciting time in itself, but also emotional and upsetting when youve got a pregnant friend in your face nattering away-, it got ridiculous the things she said..



    I did eventually got pregnant and she ignored me,!! i went from seeing her on a weekly basis like you and your friend, to seeing her once in the 2 mnths i was pregnant for. I lost my baby at 12 weeks and ive seen her once since the loss in october. She lost her baby too and youdve thought our mutual understanding would bring us back close again but its driven us apart, shes not really my friend anymore because she didnt respect and treat me with the same consideration as i treated her with.



    Like your friend is doing to you she made me feel bad for being happy about trying for a baby we wanted and getting pregnant and i wasnt allowed to talk bout it, yet i let her go on about her pregnancy and thats what good friends do. Different context but same emotional result.
  • NowMrsB2012NowMrsB2012 Posts: 4,835
    Hi



    I actually have experience of this from the other side...



    My sister got engaged 4 years ago and I was (Im ashamed to say) incredibly jealous. I knew my other half wasnt ready to get married and I hated myself for being so jealous.



    I wouldnt talk to her about the wedding plans at all. I was awful to my other half too.



    But. I got over it. I realised I was being a cow and worked through it. Then I got engaged and everything has worked out.



    What I am trying to say is she will get over it. She is probably feeling awful that she feels the way she does (coz believe me I felt terrible). She just needs to work it through herself. Theres nothing you can do to help really and you shouldnt have to, its not really your problem to be honest. Just carry on with your planning and ignore the jealousy and bitterness.



    I hope that helps a little x
  • Thanks for your replies - it's reassuring to know that I'm not being unreasonable!



    Please don't get me wrong - by all other accounts she really is lovely, and a very close friend... I honestly don't think she can help acting the way she does, and I wouldn't be a very good friend myself if I went out of my way to rub it in - I suppose the issue is that I get conscious that she might think I'm rubbing it in whenever I talk about it... if that makes sense?



    FrutreMrsBryan - it's interesting to hear it from the other side - I think she probably does realise that she's scaring her boyfriend away a little, and I have spoken to her about this and I know she does try not to... I haven't told her how it makes me feel though - perhaps if the opportunity arises I could try saying something in a more light-hearted way (!?) - that way she might click that she makes me feel a little awkward when she acts that way, and that might help her to get over it like you.



    Mrs Down2b - gosh it sounds like your ordeal was so much worse than mine - I'm really sorry to hear about your baby, and that you and your friend ended up drifting apart. I really hope the same doesn't happen with us, although I can see exactly what you mean, and I'll certainly be mindful when the time comes for us to make important decisions like starting a family... That said I don't feel at all ready for that yet, so I guess I'm hopeful that by the time we're all ready for kids that she might have 'grown up' and gotten over it (oooh that sounds harsher than I meant it to!).



    Thanks again ladies - like I said, I think I just needed a little reassurance that I'm not being really awful to her by feeling this way...



    xx
  • I'm really sorry to hear of your sad loss. Mrs Down 2b1.
  • It sounds like your relationship with your friend is much healthier than mine and my particular friend, maybe if you gave your friend an extra special role in your wedding planning or the day itself so that instead of feeling like its not fair that her relationship isnt at that stage yet she will think that shes a big part of yours so it gives her a wedding fix of sorts? Just gently tell her that you know she finds its hard with the whole situation but you do want her to be happy for you and you dont want her upset to come between you and you feeling like you cant be excited incase it upsets her. Im sure if shes the good friend she is then she will understand.



    Thirdthing, thankyou image its not been easy, still hard really, especially with the built up to xmas, i should be 6 mnths by now as i was due in April. The good thing from it is that to still make next yr a good year we decided to get married so it takes our minds off the next few mnths up to my due date.
  • Quoted:
    It sounds like your relationship with your friend is much healthier than mine and my particular friend, maybe if you gave your friend an extra special role in your wedding planning or the day itself so that instead of feeling like its not fair that her relationship isnt at that stage yet she will think that shes a big part of yours so it gives her a wedding fix of sorts? Just gently tell her that you know she finds its hard with the whole situation but you do want her to be happy for you and you dont want her upset to come between you and you feeling like you cant be excited incase it upsets her. Im sure if shes the good friend she is then she will understand


    I was much the same I must admit. I don't think I was ever mean or difficult to my friend, because I was painfully aware of NOT doing that, but I struggled greatly with jealousy and resentment. My partner and I had a great relationship, had been together much longer than my friend and her partner (who actually had a reasonably questionable relationship), and I couldn't understand why it wasn't us instead of them!!



    To my friend's credit, I think she recognised it was hard for me and she was so considerate - she invited me along to her dress fitting, she made an effort to see me and share her ideas with me, and that actually helped - I think some people might think exposure to the wedding is a bad thing, but being included in her special day helped me cope with the feelings of exclusion from the world of marriage which I felt!



    It seems silly looking back now I'm engaged and all is well, but at the time I remember feeling very desolate about it.



    Take your friend for coffee, share your ideas, maybe mention you know it must be tricky for her but you would love her support, and if she is a good friend, she'll work it out and step up.



    However, please do not ever say the immortal words "It'll happen for you one day...." - one less considerate friend said that to me, and I had to restrain myself from not punching her in the face - patronising cow!! image
  • Thanks for your advice everyone. I think you're right about including her - when I speak to her about wedding stuff (when it's just us two) she does get really excited and comes up with some great ideas, which is why I think she is happy for us - it's just when we're in more social settings with other people that she gets upset.



    I had a think based on what you said about including her/ giving her a special role, and have come up with a bit of a solution... She's a brilliant singer, and we're having friends of ours who are in a band perform on the night time - I've asked her if she'll sing a song on the night too (checked with the band and they are fine with it - they've offered to do rehearsals with her so that she feels comfortable with it). Anyway, I asked her last night, and she's over the moon - she didn't stop talking about it to our other friends all night and is quite excited about choosing a song and not telling us in advance so that it's a surprise.



    Hopefully that'll help her feel more positively about our wedding - and I really will feel honoured by her singing for us.



    Thanks again everyone, and I hope that you all have a lovely Christmas image



    Toni xxx
  • Quoted:
    Quoted:


    However, please do not ever say the immortal words "It'll happen for you one day...." - one less considerate friend said that to me, and I had to restrain myself from not punching her in the face - patronising cow!!


    Thanks for this too - I haven't said this to her - and never would!! That said, I think that her boyfriend probably will pop the question soon anyway - it's something he's talked about and they are a brilliant couple together... here's to hopefully being able to get excited about another wedding soon! image
  • nats2013nats2013 Posts: 6,253
    in all honestly, if she wasnt jumping up and down every two mins complaining she'd probably find her bf proposed -as soon as i stopped going on about wanting to get married it gave my oh time to have a think and he popped the question.



    im worried in the same way for my sister as she's older than me and never really had a partner at all but when she comes over i do my best to talk about something other than just the wedding and she's really involved in helping out. i keep asking about her life lots and how she's doing its not all about the bride, blah-di-blah type thing.



    if you dont want to try talking to her, or even perhaps her partner then im not sure what to do, but try not to let it put a downer on your planning or on how involved you want her to be in it
  • [quoteThanks for this too - I haven't said this to her - and never would!! That said, I think that her boyfriend probably will pop the question soon anyway - it's something he's talked about and they are a brilliant couple together... here's to hopefully being able to get excited about another wedding soon!



    I'm sure you wouldn't image Merry Christmas Toni x
  • When one of my sister's got engaged about 5 years ago, even though I was sooo happy for her cause he is such a great bloke.. I was sooo jealous on the inside.. I just couldn't understand why my boyfriend of 5 years hadn't proposed, but hers who she had been with just 18months had already proposed.



    Luckily, we are very close.. and I was so involved with all the planning and we did so much together, even though I was really jealous, I never showed it and was always so happy for her, knowing and wishing one day it would be me.



    Have you thought about giving her a really special job to do for the wedding.. and just speaking to her..
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