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This will be long, as everything is wrong...

I think firstly you need to address underlying problems which to me sounds like you're depressed. I read this and recognised situations I've been in and I couldn't explain my lacklustre and negative outlook on things, even little things like cleaning and helping round the house, I just wasn't interested. I also felt instantly angry and negative about any wedding decisions that were taken out of my control (that's how I saw it then and certainly not how I feel now)

Maybe you should speak to the doctor again, my doctor prescribed me sleeping tablets but it doesn't really change anything, you need a change in attitude and perhaps they can organise someone you can speak to.

Have you spoken to your parents about how you feel when you go into the church? Maybe they don't understand how it brings back bad memories for you?

I know I haven't really offered any advice but I just wanted you to know that maybe things can get better if you recognise the real reasons you're upset x


  • Mrs LeeMrs Lee Posts: 40
    I agree with MrsH2013. You have taken the first steps in getting help by seeing your GP for sleeping tablets. But it sounds like you need some additional support with, what sounds like, depression.

    I know this isn't much help but you don't have to try to do this by yourself, see your Doctor, that's what they are there for. Good luck x
  • nats2013nats2013 Posts: 6,253
    perhaps a wedding is just not what your relationship needs right now. how long have you been together? how long have you lived together? has it always been like this or has the added pressure of the wedding strained things more?

    sounds like you and your man need to spend some time together, do you still love each other?

    I don't know how to wise up and stop appearing ungrateful, selfish and insane....

    i def dont think this is the answer, its not about being ungrateful and selfish its about needing to be you. your wedding is one day but your marriage will be forever. do you want to be forever like this. you might like to try some counselling rather than a trip to the doctors to help you identify what is really happening in your life, your relationship with your parents and your current and future relationship with your nearly husband. where abouts are you based? if you are in the SE i can recommend WPF although the waiting lists can take a few weeks

    good luck and be true to yourself
  • MisscluelessMissclueless Posts: 283
    I agree with everything everyone has said here, especially seeing your doctor again as it does sound like you are depressed and to have a good chat to your H2B it could just be the stress of the wedding that is causing the strain between you.

    There is only one other thing I would suggest and that is to speak to your mother about getting married somewhere other than this church, maybe your local registry office. If just walking into this church brings back horrible memories for you these feelings will still be there on your wedding day.

    It wouldn't cost a lot to move the ceremony from the church to a registry office and it would be easy to inform people of the change of venue. There are obviously more issues you have going on but this stood out to me as a distressing issue for you!!

    I hope everything goes well!!
  • omi1omi1 Posts: 13
    Thanks so much for all the advice. I think the general consensus is that I may be a bit depressed and need to see a dr or therapist. This confirms what I had fleetingly considered. I will see my GP again.

    Missclueless. I understand what you're saying about changing the venue, but so many people from the church are already arranged to perform music etc. It would be an embarrassment and an insult to change the plans now. Maybe if my mood improved I could cope with the church. But thanks for the sensible suggestion.
  • Speaking from someone who has experienced it - I'd say you are clinically depressed, and I would hazard a guess that most of it is linked to post traumatic stress from the abuse you were subjected to as a child.

    Sleeping tablets will knock you out, but they won't refresh you, or help you to get back on your feet.

    Go back to your GP, book a double appointment, and if you break down in tears, don't worry, they've seen it 1000 times before. I think you need to start antidepressants, as these will help balance out the chemicals in your brain - clinical depression is an imbalance in the "happy" hormones we have, and until your chemicals are rebalanced, you won't feel strong enough to deal with everything else. You then need to be listed for counselling or other talking therapy. I had 6 months of counselling when I was at uni for depression and it really helped having a total outsider to talk to and give a different perspective on things.

    Does H2B realise what happened to you as a child? You need to be open and honest with him about your feelings at the moment as you are going to need his support through this difficult period. Again, depression is probably why you are less emotional and physical with him at the moment, and it doens't mean you love him any less, it's just those parts of your brain aren't functioning the way they should at the moment, I assure you once you start to feel better, these feelings will return and you can enjoy a new honeymoon period all over again!

    When I was at my lowest I didn't sleep for 6 weeks (despite sleeping pills), couldn't motivate myself to do anything and the house went to rack and ruin, but over a few months I found it easier to deal with and eventually got on top of things again. This last episode where I became unwell again I was sent home from work and didn't go back for a month (with the support of my GP), I essentially sat on the sofa for 2 weeks with our new kitten on my knee and did very little else! We are fortunate that we're in a position to be able to have a cleaner, and she became my saving grace and my agony aunt! We still have her now and she is an angel!

    Now dealing with the mother/church issue is something that you will find incredibly difficult at the moment, and you need the support of H2B with this issue aswell. I completely understand why you associate this church with a terrible period in your life and there is no way I would want to set foot in there especially on what is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. Go and see your GP first, start to get the help, and you will be amazed at how much stronger you will feel even at that point.

    The road to recovery from PTSD and depression is a long one, and if you find that getting married may not be the best thing to do during this difficult recovery period, don't feel ashamed to admit it and put things on hold for a few months so you can truly enjoy your day. I remember my 21st birthday party at uni (this was before I was officially diagnosed as depressed, but looking back I was severely clinically depressed at the time) and all I can remember is sitting there wishing everyone would bu*@£r off so I could try and get some sleep! I'm turning 30 in 2 weeks and looking forward to celebrating properly!

    Sorry for the long post, but having gone through severe depression a couple of times, I am very open to everyone about it as it is nothing to be ashamed of and if you get the support you need you will feel "normal" (whatever that is!?) again. Feel free to PM if you want to chat some more.
  • omi1omi1 Posts: 13


    Thanks for sharing your experience. It does help that people recognise some of what I'm talking about! I really appreciate that, and will talk to my h2b and GP and see if I can get sorted out a bit.

  • Jog_OnJog_On Posts: 90
    hey omi1, this is really sad and I feel for you. I honestly feel now is not the right time to be going through with a wedding. As everyone else has suggested, please see your GP and get some help till you start to feel better about your life. Postpone your wedding if you have to - at the end of the day, this is your MARRIAGE and you do not need such a terrible start to it. Change the venue and reason with your parents and fiance - if they love you they will support you. Yes there will be some disgruntled relatives but these people are meant to be your loved ones and if they are worth your bothering about their feelings, they will want you well and happy before you make a lifelong commitment anyway. Good luck x
  • omi1omi1 Posts: 13

    Jus to offer hope for anyone having a hard time.. It came ok for me in the end. Hppily married now and well settled down. Hope it does for you too!

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