Just lost it with 2 of my (old) best friends

What a totally exhausting night.

After weeks of trying to get in touch with them, and being all but ignored, I decided to lay it all out so I knew where we stood.

We all lived close through our teens up to when I moved to be closer to my soon to be Husband 200 miles away. Then It changed, as we knew it would and we got on with our own things. Caught up now and then and became a very facebook friendship.

I sent out my save the dates a while ago and have just started sending out invites. Now I dont know why but these 2 friends decide to ignore all my messages and text and phone calls over the past 2 weeks and now I start to think I have done something wrong.

Anyway that brings us to tonight where I send one loooong message to them explaining m feelings and asking them to explain the situation.

Long story short they erupt, telling me i am selfish for having my wedding so far away and that im being emotional because I know none of my friends will come (thy are not aware at this point that 8 girls who I worked with over 2 years ago are coming) and that I have a cheek asking them to readdress their financial spending for m wedding. I'll be dammed if I ever mentioned such a thing!

I have come to the conclusion we are no longer friends and that people do grow apart, and that it takes a wedding to finalise it.

 

Posts

  • MrsJCMrsJC Posts: 2,204
    Hi, Amy - didn't want to read and run, but not sure what to say. It sounds pretty upsetting, but sadly sometimes something as emotionally charged as a wedding can expose and widen cracks that were already there. Hugs xx
  • amy-lou-22amy-lou-22 Posts: 1,259

    So true. haha don't worry I think most people won't really have a response to this and I think getting it down in text somehow makes these things easier to deal with. Funny how it does that. image

  • Aaaw thats horrible for you image  

    Like you say - people grow apart but I think its really, really hard to let friendships go.  I've held onto bad friendships much longer than bad relationships.  We invest so much and don't want to admit when they aren't good for us anymore. 

    I would tell them its not the wedding you are concerned about you understand if they can't afford to come; you are more hurt that they haven't been in touch.  See if there is more going on here than them being peeved about your wedding.  Women are such bitches sometimes image 

  • NowMrsB2012NowMrsB2012 Posts: 4,835

    Im so sorry youve had to deal with this. On the bright side (and i know its not quite that bright) at least they have told you they are not going to the wedding now and havent waited til after you wedding where there are loads of photos of them and you have spent money on them eating and drinking to tell you this (speaking from expereince sadly).

    You dont need them, concentrate on your real friends xx

  • mandy503mandy503 Posts: 2,066
    I had a similar situation - funny how weddings can bring the best and worst out of people!

    Not fun, but at least its out in the open now and you can move on.

    Enjoy planning, have a fab day with those who really care and are happy for you, and look forward to your new life with your lovely hubby! image
  • BIG HUG xxxxx That really sucks! Do you think they're feeling hurt and rejected because they haven't been as involved in the wedding planning as they thought they'd be? I could be completely off the mark, but seems really odd. They can't be that good friends to act like that. Concentrate on the people that really care and can't wait to help you celebrate xxx
  • Had it out with my friend on Sunday night Amy. It seems that people just cant handle things like weddings. And it really helps you realise who your friends are. Friendships are hard to let go off but sometimes it really is for the best.

    sending good vibes

    x

     

  • Hugs.

    Weddings really can bring out the worst in people!!

    image

     

  • I find that some friends can't handle the fact that if you move far away - you can still be just as happy as you were where you used to live. You obviously started a new life with your H2B in a new town....shouldn't they be supporting you?



    It sounds to me that they are jealous. You seem very happy and are approaching this new amazing point in your life which unfortunately doesn't include them as much as they want. I think your "friends" are being petty and at a time like this you need to surround yourself with upbeat, happy and supportive people to help you enjoy your special time even more.



    Forget about them, I reckon they'll come crawling back when they want and but then, you won't have a single minute to spare for them!
  • Look on the bright side. These two 'ladies' are clearly self centred little madams who don't care enough about their friendships to put themselves out a little for one special occasion. Frankly you are waaaay better off without them in your life. Hope you enjoy the rest of your wedding planning, surrounded by the people who actually matter image

  • God, they sound horrid to be honest.

    I'm getting married 4 hours minimum from all my friends and family. Most are travelling the length of the country. No one has said I'm selfish for getting married where I live. Because I'm not. And neither are you!

    It's a shame but at least you can use those spaces on your guest list for nicer friends!

  • I have kind of the same problem but with lots of my friends family . We have already decided to get married in Cuba ( just the two of us ) as lots of my family ( including my parents !! Just "dont do weddings " . Then when we booked our reception 40 mins away feom where we live , lots of ppl have questioned why its so far away and that its gonna cost them a fortune in taxis . Im dying to turn round and say if we are not worth spending a tenner on a taxi then dont bloody come .

    I refuse to have my wedding somewhere based on whether its a ??2.50 taxi ride away from out local pub !!
  • tell them to get stuffed! and then carry on doing things exactly how you want them. honestly, people are doing my head in this week - especially those meant to be close to you! f*** the lot of them i say image

  • Bride126Bride126 Posts: 150

    It's horrible when situations like this happen with friends as it is so upsetting. However, I do feel like sometimes these things happen for a reason and probably for the best. I grew apart from one friend which was sad but looking back it was actually for the best as our friendship just wasn't the same anymore.

     

     

  • That is crazy! You are most definately are not selfish! Our friends are getting married in Cornwall (4 hours away) in August and although they are not our closest friends we feel priviledge to be asked to be part of their big day and are going to make the most of the weekend and spend an extra day there! Your real friends would feel like this! 

    However it makes me wonder if it is even the distance because I am getting married in May and I sent out my save the dates to the 'best' girl friends to which half didn't reply to let me know they got them. We all live close by and have been friends since school (over 10 years) although we have grown apart over the last year or so with less and less in common. In the last few months I have only seen a handful of them about 3 times so now I am wondering why I want them there at all?? It really is hard. Sometimes you just grow apart from people but it is a true friend you can pick up the phone to at anytime and still speak to each other like it was yesterday x

  • Mrs ShepMrs Shep Posts: 229

    Gosh....i agree with all the above posters really. You have moved on and they clearly haven't. Do not let these two people who you thought were friends make you feel bad. Look forward to your true friends who will be there at whatever cost....financially and otherwise.

  • Going through something similar and its sooo hard.....but all the advice above is very true and I'm going to try and remember that too.  Hope you have a lovely day when it arrives xx

  • amy-lou-22amy-lou-22 Posts: 1,259

    Aw everyones comments are so helpful right now. It really does make me think I can move on and focus on the good people in my life and I'm so lucky they are there for me.

    In some ways I can see why they are shocked by me being so upset with them, as they really don't think past their 'major drinking session' that weekend. We really have very little in common these day.

    Ahhhh feels good to see it clearly now.

  • MrsKK2BMrsKK2B Posts: 304
    We have travelled to Canada and Poland for friends' weddings before so I don't think 200 miles is much to ask! If they can't be happy for you and support you then you're better off without them! x
  • oh god how awful image We're marrying in Scotland where im originally from but my life is in Cardiff now and my fiances family/friends will all be travelling the 400 miles for our day and not one has mentioned that its too far to come! 

    Im in a similar situation to you tho, I moved here just over 2 years ago - which seems long enough to have lost my old mates who i only really keep up with on facebook, but not enough time to have made new ones! 

     

    Hope it all works out for you - you are better off without them! 

  • I think you're better off without them!

    We had a similar thing at the very beginning of our engagement. We looked at venues 300 miles away and I sent all of my friends a messge asking, realistically, if they would come as we didn't want to waste money on a venue that was oversized if 20 people decided to not show up. I was assured yes, absolutely, we're all so excited....we're actually getting married 30 minutes away and it's apparently a huge issue for them all to get taxis (£50 between 4 people....) or stay at the venue (£57 a head) having been given 12 months' notice. So lots of them are either leaving early or not coming.

    Not to mention that I'm the one being selfish as it makes MUCH more sense for *just* me and h2b to travel to them than it does for 20 of them to travel to me.

    Weddings really do bring out some horrible qualities in people! Look on it as a blessing, you don't have to spend any more money on them or have their bitchy vibes ruining your day!

  • shellbob73shellbob73 Posts: 3,152

    I agree that you're better off without them. Even if (for whatever reason) they couldn't make it to your wedding, they didn't have to be so horrible about it.

    I would also say that a lot of friendships don't stand the test of time, & things like weddings, moving away etc are often the catalyst.

    For me, it was having children that seems to have marked the end of several friendships, including one person I never in a million years thought I'd be without. Its coming up to a year now since I essentially cut-off 5 of my so-called friends, but all of these 'friendships' were fading so it was going to happen sooner or later, & if I'm honest, I don't really miss them.

    I've come to the conclusion that I was friends with these people out of habit & that my feelings for them were based on what our friendships were like 10+ years ago when we were single & together almost all of the time.

    Things change, people change & if someone is upsetting you then its better to let them go.

    x

     

  • Hi Amy

    This sounds like a horrible situation, but as others have said people and friendships change and sometimes it does take a life changing event for feelings to really come to the forefront.

    I found an amazing quote the other day which went along the lines of "surrounding yourself with radiators, not drains" - ie the people that give you warmth and love, and don't suck it all away.

    If at the moment these girls are being drains, then maybe it's best to take a step back for a while and see where it heads from there. x

  • Goodness me, it really is true how weddings bring out the worst in some people though, as some other posters have mentioned, it's quite useful to at least find out now before you invest time and money in people.

    We ended up having our wedding on a Friday as my husband is a teacher and we couldn't get the saturday we wanted to allow us a honeymoon in half term. We were realyl worried about people not coming as they would need to take a day off but, without fail, every single one of them managed to take a days annual leave to make it. We also had guests coming from all over the country and not a single person complained about distance. I quite like going to weddings in new places that I might not normally have visited - this year alone has taken us to Brecon, Canterbury, Tuscany, Birmingham... Ultimately, as someone else has said, we feel very honoured that people have asked us to share their day with them and it's not like they do it every weekend!

    I think it's sometimes hardest when there are a few friends who haven't 'flown the nest', so to speak. We know people from my husbands home town who have never left and see no reason why anyone would want to. It's the centre of their universe and they can't understand why it's not the same for everyone else. My friends, on the other hand, couldn't have scattered more if we tried and so I think we just take it as a given that there is distance involved in seeing each other. It sounds like your friend's fall into the former camp and that you've simply outgrown them.

    For me there was a point in my life where I realised that I actually had a lot of friends and didn't need to keep bending over backwards for the people who couldn't be bothered. When you're younger, you try to make as many friends as possible. However, there comes a point when you sit back and think, I've got a great group of friends, I really don;t need those who don't support me, don't make me feel good about myself and are generally just a drain on my emotions. That certainly isn'y the definition of friendship in my book! It's a hard realisation but sounds like one you've accepted you might need to make.

    xxx

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