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5 Months To The Wedding & Just Found Out Hubby To Be Not Been Paying Bills!!

me and my OH have been together for 4 years and are due to get married in may, however hes been really cagey about money lately - we have an isa with some money in and he wont let me check it keeps making excuses, i am currently off work due to an operation & ive just found out he hasnt paid the council tax this month or the last twio weeks rent when he said yday he had paid it! i dont know what to do, at the moment i feel like calling off the wedding & going back to my mums!! any advice would be greatly apprecieted.


  • aww hun, maybe the planning of the wedding has caused some money problems that your husband to be didnt want you to know about, incase it spoiled things for you and the wedding. f sit down with your partner and talk to him about it, if he's struggling to pay the council tax, contact the council and they will help him get back on track!. also is the isa in both your names? as u can look at it online! :] Just ask him why he needed to lie to you and the money and try to sort it out! don't give up on your partner just yet, :] xx hope thinks sort themselves out!

  • I think you need to have a serious chat with him about what is going on and why he hasn't been paying the bills - where is the money going and why?

    This is exactly the issue I had with my ex husband and it got really, really bad to the extent where I had bailiffs coming round to collect debts that as far as I was concerned had been paid.

    I don't want to alarm you but money, trust and financial responsibility are a massive part of a relationship and I wish I had taken heed of the issues before we got married as the issues just got out of control and ended up with my paying £50k of my own money towards what was essentially my ex husbands debt as well as having to deal with a lot of stress, sleepless nights and heartache. This could have all been avoided if I had just dealt with the issue before we got married

  • We have been here before kind of in regard to his phone bills & things not being paid but he has always paid all the house hold bills, he said last month the water rates wasnt paid & he said that there was a problem with the card but i brushed it under the carpet but now he hasnt paid the rent & things im starting to wonder what the hells going on! the isa is in his name because when we set it up we didnt live together so we couldnt have joint names so i cant look online. i am the one who has saved alll the money for the wedding we decided he would run the house bills etc & i would save for the wedding so he cant say its the stress of paying for things for the wedding as its me who has paid for things. i just feel like weve been here before & i thought he had changed but oviously he hasn't! hes at work till 9pm tonight and hes having problems with his phone so i cant call him im going out my mind!

  • You need to address this now. If he's missed bills and refusing you access to the ISA I personally would have concerns, and if money is missing exactly where has it gone? Sort this out before the wedding for goodness sake
  • You definitely need to speak to him about it and find out what's going on. Try and be calm about it and have a sensible adult discussion although I know that's really hard under the circumstances

    Give me a shout if you want to chat about it seeing as I have been there before!

    I really hope it is a simple misunderstanding and you get it sorted x

  • As soon as he's home show him to the computer/laptop and make him show u the issa account online as its your money you saved for the wedding. i'd ask him to explain himself hun if its happened before :] hope things work out ok, must be a horrible stress for you xx

  • one of my strengths is i can keep calm & talk difficult things through something ive always beeen good at however my other half isn't like that at all he struggles to talk like an adult when things get tough, i dont understand how it can be a misunderstanding. i knew he was lying when yday he was making excuses why i couldntr have his bank card to access the ISA & then this morning i said to him i need your card and he said ohh ive left it at work i knew then he had done that so i couldnt check the isa.  i dont think i want to marry someone like this, that cannot be trusted with money, im thinking into the future when we have a house kids etc is he going to do the same then and risk us loosing the house? i just dont know what to think i think a green tea is in order!

  • KK12KK12 Posts: 927

    As other ladies have said hun... you need to be very careful here. If you know he should have the money to pay the bills etc and he isn't then you have every right to ask him where the money is going and why?

    My mate's husband had a gambling problem and he was very cagey about all the types of things you have talked about... bank statements not arriving (they had, he hid them) problems with bank cards, all very dodgy stuff. Saying he would take care of bills and he didn't.

    I am not saying that your h2b has a gambling problem but there are warning signs here and this sort of problem isn't insurmountable although my mate spent a lot of her time stressed about money and occasionally still does if her husband has a relapse but with a lot of talking they have got through it (he ran up 27k's worth of debt though)  but you need to speak with him fast. xx

  • This is odd.Has he always been bad with money? Do you pay money to him for bills? If so I would be seriously concerned.

    In this situation - given that he's quite cagey - I would say that the council had been in touch about non-payment of council tax while he was out. Then, ask to know what's going on. That way you haven't 'snooped' and give him an excuse to get annoyed about that and avoid the question.

    What's his employment situation? When my OH lost his job temporarily he started being really funny about where his money went as he didn't want to look as though he was 'in trouble.' He did fall behind on a couple of payments as he didn't want to ask for help, but I gave it to him and they were his own bills, not things I paid jointly for.

    I hope you can sit down and sort this out with him x

  • heliganedenheliganeden Posts: 1,848
    I would be very concerned about this, why aren't the household bills set up on direct debits so they can't be missed?

    When he gets home you need to see the ISA account with your money in ASAP - if he makes excuses about not being able to access the online account then ring the bank, must banks have out of hours call centres

    Good luck getting to the bottom of it
  • GemmaBGemmaB Posts: 77

    I met my h2b when we were 20 and he was awful with money! At first, this didn't affect me - it was his money to do with what he wanted.

    After we moved in together, his spending began to get us into quite a mess financially. We almost split up over it. In ways I wanted him to be 'the man' and take care of all the financial issues, but it wasn't meant to be. He was just AWFUL with money, and as infuriating as I found it, I ended accepting it.  I cut up his bank card, and got his wages paid into my account and took over all the bills. I got in touch with the people he owed money to (credit card, store card) and worked out a payment plan. At first, I hated feeling like his mother, giving him a £30 allowance to spend on what he wanted - lunch in work, coffee's etc...but it was what was needed and he knew he needed and whole heartedly agreed to it.

    10 years on, and 3 children later, we are happily planning our wedding. We have no debts and get NOTHING on credit. As someone else said, this can hopefully be sorted out, I understand you're mad (I'd be fuming myself) but you don't have to give up on him yet.xxxx

    Would love to know how you get on.

  • How did you get on? Were you able to speak to him last night and find out what is going on?

    Hope you're okay x

  • Hope you are okay.

    My H2B can also be cagey about finances and it took me a long time to realise that it is because he likes to feel like the 'big man' who can take care of it all and provide every extravagance for me. It means that he is never open with me if he needs us to cut down on spending or not take a holiday etc. I can always tell he is stressed but he won't open up and admit what is making he ratty.

    Maybe your H2B is the same and just doesn't want to admit to you whats going on because he wants to feel like the provider who can look after you?

    Give him the benefit of the doubt and talk to him calmly about how its making you feel when he isn't upfront about money issues (but make sure that, when you chat to him, you bolster his confidence and make him feel really loved and special). That's just my personal opinion. Really hope you work things out image

  • KK12KK12 Posts: 927

    I hope you managed to have a chat and sorted the issues out, or at least found out what the issues are hun xx.

  • I agree with all of the above posters - there's a lot of good advice here - but just wanted to give you a bit of info about the ISA situation. There is nothing to stop two people who have different addresses opening a joint account and I don't know of any banks that wouldn't let you do this. You can't however, have a joint ISA account, as it's linked to the tax system which is managed on an individual basis so the government prohibit this.

    Once you've spoken to your h2b about this it sounds like it might be worth closing the ISA and transferring the money into a bog standard savings account in both your names so that you can both manage it. No, you probably wont get as much interest and, no, that interest won't be tax free BUT it sounds like in your situation being able to see the money is worth so much more than any of those things so it's definitely worth considering.

    Let us know how things go, I can imagine you feel completely let down and worried about all of this so hope it works out for the best.

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