Heartbroken

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Where to begin..

My son and his fiance have been together for seven years, got engaged last year and started planning their wedding.

We were told they wanted both sets of parents equally involved.

Her parents took them to see several venues without our knowledge & unbeknown to us, steered them toward one in particular however In looking up something on the net, I happened to spot an advertisement for a venue which I though may be of interest to them based on the ideas they had and one which they may like to view......their decision/choice. 

Out of the blue I received a really nasty phone call from her "mother" asking me to told me to do anything and said it was nothing to do with me/us as it was "her" day!! Together with many other nasty things.  I don't believe her husband was aware because he would have been horrified.

Having kept their daughter for two and a half years rent free and without even so much as one call to say thank you in all of that period to receive a totally unwarranted call like that...well...

it appears she then, whilst owning up to her husband, lied to cover her embarrassment over her pathetic behaviour.

My son and his fiance were so angry that hey told her and reiterated that they wanted both sets of parents to be equally involved in the wedding and its planning.  My sons fiance apologised on behalf of her mother and stated it wasn't what they wanted, which I accepted.

I said all would be forgiven but all I would ask, as I only have sons, please could I be included and go wedding dress shopping with them, not necessarily to be there when she chose her dress, but just to be a part of the fun and she actually promised saying that I could.  I was so looking forward to the event and having the chance to actually be apart if this momentous task.  However it never happened a she burst in the door one day all excited announcing she'd bought her wedding dress!!!

I was so hurt and upset...

She said she didn't want he mother and me to argue, when I pointed out that it wasn't me that had either started or argued, she then said she didn't want anyone else to see which would have been fine if it had just been he and her mother, but she took an aunt as well.  Said that it wasn't planned although my son at the same time of her denial said "I told ... she hold ask you a well".

Her parents have been to chose the band and other things with them....we have not been included in anything and know nothing....

Her mother did say it was "her day", caused all the issue, problems and yet we're the ones taking the punishment!

We were planning to pay half but under the circumstance as its "her day" they can blessed well pay for he privilege.

I am so, so hurt by it all that I can't stop crying, my husband is no longer interested in any of it and neither of us wants to go.

From like to tolerate has now become hate toward his fiancé but he stands by them and with them watching how they are acting toward us.

We have given our son everything we possibly could, going without to give him the best education....money toward the house, you name it....  Don't get me wrong, I did it out of love for him but in return, not that I want his eternal gratitude; just a bit of love and respect as his mother; not a spit in the face like we're getting....

I went through he'll with parents on the occasion of my wedding day, so was very conscious and determined not to interfere, or put any opinion across...after all, it is their day and they should be able to have and enjoy it the way that they want.

In addition, I've already been told both mothers will not be invited to the "hen do" as they will be going nightclubbing. She's planning, or so my son says, to do something for us mothers and the older generation ladies....  For what she and her mother has done and the horrible, nasty, atmosphere they've created, I don't wish to be involved or have anything to do with it.  In fact, the only party I would wish to attend would be her leaving party.

Plus and I know it sounds very vindictive, I don't care what the hell she'll look like as no matter how hard one tries, you cannot make a silk purse out of a sows ear, and again for all I care she can turn up in a black bin liner!!!

I am not and will not be gaining a "daughter-in-law" as it appears I've already lost my son!!

Neither my husband or I wish to attend the wedding, perhaps the money we would have spent n attending the day would be best spent on going on a blessed good holiday and to hell with them both???

Still crying whilst I write this so heavens knows how many mistakes I've made or even if it make sense ?

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  • MrsPugMrsPug Posts: 626

    I think you're making a mistake. They may have not been very considerate of your feelings in planning the wedding but its easy to slip up when you're so excited and I don't want to judge as we only know one side of the story. The feelings you now harbour towards your future daughter in law are very sad indeed. Has it occurred to,you how much you will hurt your son by refusing to attend his wedding?

  • MrsNoelMrsNoel Posts: 486

    It must be hard and I agree the mother has been unreasonable. However, it's not your future daughter in law's fault that she has been so unpleasant any more than it is yours. To say you loathe her is unfair. As to the planning, your daughter in law will be excited and keen to get booking and buying things and they are her parents - if they ask to go along to something she can hardly say no. You say you don't want to attend the hen because of what she has done but on what you've said, I can't see really done anythingwrong other than book things as she's seen them. 

    My personal opinion is that refusing to go is cutting off your nose to spite your face. You're hurt now but in 10 years time, you would be devastated to have missed it - especially seeing how upset you are at having missed out on the planning. Your son would be gutted also.

  • I can understand how upset you are feeling, however it sounds like it is still early days in the planning process? My H2B is an only child therefore my mother in law also has no daughters. Me and my H2B went to look at venues on our own and when we found the one we then took my parents back because they are paying for that part. I did ask my MIL dress shopping because I felt I should but in heinsite wished I had just taken my mum and sister as I felt there were too many opinions. His parents still haven't seen our venue and we get married in 11 weeks but my MIL has been involved because she's kindly bought me various things (running past me first) like guest book and a bridal brolly. She said she would like to buy my tiara and in fact we are going out tomorrow to get it. I am also taking her to a wedding fair at the venue next month so she can see  it. There are plenty of other ways for you to be involved without the big stuff, you could offer to help choose the cake or flowers with her for example? You have to remember it is your daughter in laws special day and unfortunately it's difficult to always consider everyone's feelings. You could sit down together and discuss who is paying for what and of course you would have a right to be involved with what you are potentially paying for!

      With regards to the hen do I am also having a separate family and friends hen do, I want to let my hair down properly with my friends.
  • JJ2013JJ2013 Posts: 628

    I can see you're upset but you will regret not going to your son's wedding, it's osmething you'll never be able to change in the future.

    Your son and daughter in law to be are not responsible for her mother, from what you say she does sound like hard work but that isn't their fault.

    In terms of the dress shopping, obviously I don't know 100% but I highly doubt your future daughter in law actively and delbierately chose to exclude you, I took my Mum to every appointment and rotated a BM or my aunt into the appointment so it was going to be pure luck who was there on the day. Choosing a wedding dress is something she probably dreamed of from being a little girl so I think you could be a bit more understanding that she didn't deliberately do it to hurt you, and she was only telling you in excitement.

    Did you make it clear to your son you wanted to be involved when you gave the money?

    I'm really sorry you are feeling so upset as it sounds like they've really hurt you, and what I've said is only to see if it can help you. After all, we only hear what is written here so we ask questions not to attack but try to understand.

    Hope you feel happier soon x

  • mandy503mandy503 Posts: 2,066

    I went through he'll with parents on the occasion of my wedding day, so was very conscious and determined not to interfere, or put any opinion across...after all, it is their day and they should be able to have and enjoy it the way that they want.

    My dear you've hit the nail on the head! You're coming across as very bitter, and unfortunately holding your future daughter in law responsible for a lot of heartbreak and anquish which from what you've told us actually has nothing to do with her or her actions! The only thing she did was go dress shopping without you - speaking from experience sometimes these things just happen! I found mine completely by accident and had it decided on before I'd even been shopping with anyone! My mum, bridesmaid they all missed out on something we all wanted to share, but that's life unfortunatly! 

    Do not punish your son by being moody about the way they are planing their wedding, and not attending it! That is spiteful, and mean! Take a step back, and read your post from an outsiders opinion!! 

    Explain to your son that your feeling left out at the moment, and really would like to be involved in some of the next steps - maybe even offer to help with some diy for the wedding? Could you go suit shopping with him instead? (I know its not the same but its something)

    If they've been in a relationship for 7 years already your daughter in law has probably been eagerly awaiting this engagement and planning stage - don't hold it against her for getting excited and not immediately putting you forefront of her desicion making! 

    If you refuse to attend now, what else are you going to be missing out on in the future out of spite? Grandchildren? Many other happy family occasions? 

    Try and see this from your sons point of view and realise how hard it will be on him to know his own mum is harbouring a hatered of the woman he's loved for 7 years and is marrying to love for the rest of his life - again from experience having his parents not love and support that desicion is hard, and soul destroying for both in the relationship. 

    I could go on but fear I've been harsh enough as it is - please don't do anything drastic out of spite! Remember that you love your son, and just try to enjoy this time with them both - even if that just means reveling in their excitement and enjoying their special day when it comes. Xx

  • Wow your post does come across as bitter, the bit about not being able to make a silk purse from a sows ear is just nasty.

    The mothers behaviour towards you is inexcusable, but what exactly has your daughter in law done wrong?

    Wedding dress shopping is very personal thing, I agreed my mother in law could come with us, I thought I'd be looking for ages so had a quick look in a local shop with my mum...I found the one. I explained to MIL and took her to see me try it on, unless she's a very good actress then I'd say she was more than happy with that.

    Often the brides parents are more involved, but as others have suggested there are ways you could include yourself...try making some suggestions on smaller things maybe favours/ craft bits etc.

    I think you would be making a huge mistake not attending your sons wedding, you could possibly ruin your relationship with him forever.

    Who stands to loose the most here?? The answer is you.

  • MrsT13MrsT13 Posts: 285

    Wow! I'm going to be very honest and say this post sounds like it was written by a spoilt teenager! Going from like to hate because she didn't take you dress shopping, sounds to me like she wanted a relaxed day and not have atmosphere between you and her mother, who could blame her for that. Going on to insult how she will look, not only bitter and nasty but extremely immature. Then actually considering not attending your sons wedding and going on holiday with the money you'd planned to give to them is cutting off your nose to spite your face. 

    Now don't get me wrong, I can't for a second understand how her mother could justify such a strange and hurtful phone call, however, what do you think you'll achieve by doing this? it is the wedding day that is important, they want you involved in that dont they? Just because you have not been as involved as you would like in the planning you are prepared to sacrifice your relationship with your son and future daughter in law? i can't for the life of me understand what she's done to deserve your hatred?

    i also can't stand it when mothers say they've lost a son or a daughter. You haven't lost him, he's grown up and is making a life for himself! Would you be happier if he stayed at home forever nd never found love?

    I think your upset and the obvious importance of the day has let you lose perspective a bit. I do understand your disappointed but apart from that phone call I can't see anything malicious. Take a step back and think about what's important and what is essentially just a day shopping. 

    natbe talk to then about your feelings and ask if there is something you can help with. I really do hope you sort it out with them, it would be terribly sad if you missed the wedding just because of what sounds like and over-bearing mother on her side x

  • sammywoosammywoo Posts: 56

    Wow, what you've written is so, so similar to what happened with my fiance's brother, his now wife and my future mother in law. My future MIL was treated like absolute rubbish by both her son and his fiancée. Her family were even worse. She gave then plenty of chances to change their behaviour but essentially his fiancée wanted him all to herself within her family and was slowly alienating everyone in his family (in the most spectacular way).

    None of his entire family attended the wedding and we all still agree that was the right decision. My future MIL decided she wouldn't be dictated to by a girl in her twenties and did not want to have her future grandchildren dangled in front of her face and taken away at the first opportunity. That was four years ago and she now has to wrestle with her decision. She has not seen her son since or her new grandchild. My fiancé has not seen his brother or his nephew. Personally I still think they did the right thing. life with them in it would've just got a whole lot worse once they were married. But of course my future MIL will never rest easy with that decision and will always ask herself if she made the right choice. She doesn't think she'll ever see her son again which is sad. But unless you're in that situation you can't comprehend that actually you can feel a whole lot worse having certain people in your life.

    Good luck whatever decision you make, it's not an easy position to find yourself in. Personally I think it is the joint responsibility of your son and his fiancée to keep the relationship between both families good during the engagement. I have a wonderful relationship with my future MIL, of course she drives me mad but so does my own mum!! If I was in the wrong my fiancé would tell me straight. Maybe you should have a chat with your son about things? Essentially the buck stops with him to make things better. You're his family and he should support you, as well as his fiancee xx

     

  • nikki2505nikki2505 Posts: 289

    Please please do not go ahead with your plan not to attend the wedding. I am speaking as a mum whose son and daughter have both got married in the last few years, and the experiences could not have been more different. When my son got married all the planning was done by them in association with her parents. I wasn't particularly hurt by this, and certaily wouldn't have fallen out with them over it. When my daughter was planning her wedding it was me that went to see venues, wedding fairs, and we chose the dress together. Again we kept her fiances mum in the loop but she was also happy to take a back seat in the process. I appreciate you don't have daughters and were looking forward to going dress shopping, but it didn't happen. Don't let this be a reason to not go to the wedding, you would really be the loser in all this, as would your son who would be in an impossible position.

    I accept that your son's future MIL has been nasty and is out of order but from what you have posted neither your son nor his fiancee appear to have actually done anything wrong...they spoke to her about her behaviour and apologised. For you to say you now hate his fiancee just because she hasn't fallen out with her mum comes across as really unfair and bitter.

    Please don't let this escalate into a massive family rift which will be really hard to recover from. Your son is in between a rock and a hard place; don't expect him to choose you over his wife to be. You say that you have given him everything, as parents that's just what we do. I don't feel he's really being disrespectful. I've learned that sometimes in life you just have to be the better person and see the bigger picture.Talk to your son, or maybe his dad could have a word and say how unhappy you are?  Maybe there are still things you could be involvd with, as others have said, like choosing a suit for your son? If a hen for the older ladies is arranged you should go even if you don't want to, be gracious and friendly even if you want to scream, don't give her any ammunition. Surely you could manage that for a day? Whether you like it or not, your son has chosen this woman to be his wife and her family are part of the package, it will be easier for everyone (your son in particular) if you can at least be civil. When grandchildren come along how would you feel if you were excluded from theirr lives? Please re read what you have written and realise it is really not worth being so bitter and hurt. I know you feel hurt but really is it such a massive deal in the context of your relationship with your son, which is for life?

  • FranitaFranita Posts: 487

    You're probably not going to like this but I think your attitude stinks. If you were my mother or MIL I would be so embarrassed of your behaviour I wouldn't want you near the wedding anyway!

    Yes her mother was rude to you which was out of order, but you need to accept the apology and move on, not hold a grudge like a spoilt child. 

    If my MIL had asked to come dress shopping with me I would actually have politely said no as it was a really special time for me with my Mum and bridesmaid. Don't begrudge her having that special mother-daughter dress shopping moment just because you don't have any daughters yourself so that should somehow give you some right to impose yourself. Maybe she just said yes to keep the peace because she knew you would over react (like you have) if she said no. 

    Sorry but your post made me really angry. I think it's ridiculous you are now considering not going! As the parent have you tried doing the mature thing and TALKING to them about your concerns and frustrations?? 

  • FranitaFranita Posts: 487

    Oh and your comment about a silk purse about your future daughter in law were disgusting. No wonder she didn't want you to go dress shopping!!

  • MrsNoelMrsNoel Posts: 486

    It was late when I read and replied last night. The more I read it, the more of a child you sound.

    It is naturally the bride who does much of the planning for a wedding, certainly in many cases. It is then naturally her parents who get involved more, in particular the mother. While she has been out of order, do you expect the bride to ring every time she sees something she likes to run it by you first?

    My in laws haven't been actively involved, largely because they live over 100m away, but I have emailed them when something is booked and sent them links to our suppliers. They are coming to the menu tasting too. Haven't heard her complain and she even replied to the messages thanking me for making her feel part of it. 

    You are being very childish and adding pressure to your son which is really unfair.


  • Hi all many thank for taking the time to respond with your guidance.

    To those who think I am bitter, yes you are probably right only because this is only part of the issue that's been going on for years. The recent episode just exacerbates how she's treated us over the years.

    Every special occasion she ensurspent hey spend with her family I.e. Mother's day, father's day, Easter, Christmas....well she said she wanted to be fair..so spent from 10:00-16:00 at ours: as they were midway through eating she told my son that they would have to leave as she wante to spend some time with her parents Which I thought was only fair until I found out that they spent the whole of the week and New Year with them. Also, she ensures her parents are visited frequently and invited to their house, whereas we rarely see them (only if they come to eat at their convenience) and haven't been invited to their house in 15 months.

    Last year on her birthday I asked my son if I was okay to pop over to bring her birthday presents he then Akers her if it were okay and she said no because her parents (which we used to socialise with) were there and her brother and his wife were due. Yet on my sons birthday we were invited with my parents ......and who else........her parents!!! Although I never commented but was so hurt in if we weren't good enough to be allowed to just deliver presents on hers why then did she think her parents had a right to be at my sons birthday.....

    I even invite her parents to join us for Christmas Day dinner so that we could all be together, which they declined.

    They spend all the summer holidays wit her parents ...bitter is probably too harsh a word but very deeply hurt and upset yes...

    My son and I were quite close, healthily, without me interfering in his life allowing him to "grow up" making his way an his own mistakes which one suggested that I was bitter because he was growing up....def not and couldn't be farther from the truth!

    He mother lost both her parents in a car crash at 21 so can understand her grip on her daughter, but I try and think of everyone not just myself.

    Even my parents think she's tried to pull him away from the family......which is evident in things she has done and continues to do......so the wedding dress bit I thought was her way of making things right.......but should have known really plus the lies. I was told it was spur if the moment but the appointment at the dress shop had been made weeks before just one in a number of many untruths been told by her hence my now utter dislike and hate for her.

    When they got engaged, her parents, her brother and her friends knew before we did..... so have no disillusion, if she has her way, that I will not be involved in any way shape or form should they have children.

    These latest antics from her are just the icing on the cake and my heart is breaking that much it is far easier to cut away than get my heart brokevie even more than it already is....

     

  • The situation Sammywoo talks about seems very different from this one. That was a long time and sustained display of unreasonable behaviour (it sounds). As others have said, she may have gone shopping not expecting to find the dress she wanted, also I wonder if her mother manipulated the situation. If her daughter has lived with you for a long time then she may be feeling threatened by your relationship with her; I'm not excusing this, but it might explain why she has an issue. The best way to show her would be to continue to build your relationship with her. If her mother is being unreasonable, show her that you can be a reasonable mother and a better one to turn too. More flies with honey...

    Also, I must be honest, telling her that the only reason that you want to go is because you don't have a daughter of your own is hurtful. Why would she want to take someone who is just along for the experience rather than because they love her. If you had said "you feel like my daughter already, I'd love to be part of helping you choose your dress" might have been different. I love my mother-in-law to be to bits but I am a little bit disappointed that she hasn't been as interested in the wedding because she's already been through her daughter's wedding (not enough to say anything, and it could just be that she is trying not to be overbearing).

    I went dress shopping with my maid of honour and if was the first time I'd gone to this particular shop. I had no plan to buy, but when I got there they said it was 10% discount if I bought on my first visit. A little upset that my mom wasnt with me (more because I knew she would be) I went ahead. After my first trip to another dress shop, I took my mom back to see my contenders. I then showed lots of people the pictures of the two I was choosing between. I regretted that, as I'd shown too many people, rather that leaving it until the day. I have shown my mom the pictures and his mom, but the only reason I showed his mom was that my made of honour is his sister and she could have shown her anyway.

    It seems the only thing she has deliberately chosen to do is not showing you the dress she picked. It is her dress and as much as what you want is to be shown a picture, you must respect what she wants.

    If you have previously had a good relationship with her then don't let it's spoil that. If you have other sons, maybe you'll be able to get more involved with that.

  • As for the occasions, maybe you need to plan more in advance. It sounds like they had a full house on her birthday, so if you had arranged to go round there earlier than calling on the night, it might have been different. I think you should be happy that they split christmas. We also do that, and it certainly isn't what we want to do, especially when I have to come home and cook christmas dinner, but we do it to keep everyone else happy. If you knew they were leaving at 4 you really should have aimed lunch earlier. 

  • MrsT13MrsT13 Posts: 285

    It sounds like she's very close to her family, you shouldn't begrudge that. I think a calm chat with them about the fact you would like to see them both more and spend more 'occasions' with them may help. Maybe she makes an effort to invite her family round, is it not your sons responsibility to do the same with you? x

  • nikki2505nikki2505 Posts: 289

    I have already replied but again as another mum with grown up sons and daughters feel very sad at your attitude. I know you don't have daughters but I've found the relationship between mothers and sons, and mothers and daughters is very different. I love all my children equally and am close to them all (I have two of each, two married and the other two in long term relationships) but my sons tend to get on with their own lives, I tend to see them together with their partners whereas I spend more "girly" time with my daughters and we do stuff on our own like shopping, spa days etc, and I know that my son's partners see a lot more of their mums than they do of me..which to me seems quite normal. I agree it sounds as though as a couple they see more of her family than they do of you, and you sound very jealous about this, this jealousy seems to be colouring your opinion of your son's fiance. Maybe you need to be more proactive at inviting them, or saying you will call to see them instead of moping at home waiting to be invited? This is what I do with my sons, who sometimes can be a bit thoughtless about keeping in touch! I really think you need to be careful about not making things worse, you talk about cutting them out to avoid your heart being broken...you would really be the loser here. Both my daughter and daughter in law have had babies in the last year and again I have been far more involved in my daughters pregnancy and with her baby than my son's- to me it was natural that she would turn to her own mum for advice, I was careful to only offer advice if she asked, whereas with my daughter she has wanted my help, often ringing me at odd hours for advice with breastfeeding etc. 

    Please, speak to your son. Don't let this turn into a stand off. If your daughter in law is really trying to "take him away" from you, your attitude is going to ensure she succeeds! You have to be the bigger person here. As I said before, he is marrying this girl and her family come with her, whether you like it or not. There is an old saying

    "A daughters your daughter for all of her life, but a son's your son till he takes a wife" Bit harsh but underlines the different relationships we have with our sons and daughters in my experience. 

  • welshgracewelshgrace Posts: 1,224

    You hate your son's finace because she didn't take you dress shopping????  That is utter madness.  Yes, she said you could go, but you had no right to ask in the first place!!!!

    You have received some very good advice above, I suggest you take it on board otherwise you risk losing your son.

  • I cannot imagine how you are feeling, but I would be so hurt and upset too.  I think you need to bite your lip and just go through the day for your Son's sake.  I think her Mother needs to neb out and wind her neck in to be honest.  My Mum lives with us, but everything we have included her in, I have included my MIL2B in as well, I said to both that I would keep them equal, which is hard when Mum lives with us but I would never disclude her...but I know what its like when you get a MOB who is controlling and makes it her day, but your DIL will learn what she is like when it turns into her Mothers wedding.  You need to try and hold your head high and show them that you are the better person.  Good luck and enjoy getting a lovely new outfit and outshine the witch! Ooow and book a fantastic holiday to look forward to if thats what you want to do after the day, but you need to be there for your Son.  x x 

  • MrsT2b4MrsT2b4 Posts: 19

    Hi

    I read your first post earlier today and thought it seemed v similar to what my own mother went through 14 years ago when my big brother got married.  My parents socialised with the in laws (that is how they met due to being family friends) and as soon as the engagement was announced, battle commenced to ensure that my family had nothing to do with the wedding (despite paying for half).  We were a v tight knit family and that changed during the wedding planning as we were effectively shut out.  

    We did do some shopping things together - wedding shows etc but my mum and I were treated like dirt so preferred not to go.  One example is that they had a show of presents at the mums house for all the older family and we were invited (not sure if that is a just a scottish thing but glad it has died out!).  We did not want to go but did to show face and when we turned up were ushered into the kitchen to do the dishes and told that we were not to talk to the guests and on no account were we to eat any of the food which had been made for the proper guests! 

    It was all horrendous and we ended up having to laugh about everything that was happening although my mother was heartbroken at how her son could treat her like that.  She never thought about not going to the wedding (although often said she didn't want to) and went with her head held v high as she knew that she had only ever treated them decently and if the other side could not do the same, that was their problem.  I just wanted to share that you are certainly not alone in feeling this way but would urge you to attend as you will regret not being there. 

    My mum did have me to chat to and we giggled about it together and it sounds like your husband could chat through it and you can use him for your vent!

  • Hi there... Thank you my much for all of you responses....especially MrsT2b4 Your post really understands the situation very clearly as it certainly mirrors whats happening and how we're being treated....thank you and bless you again.

    Unless you have experienced something similar its very hard to know....but your experience is so, so close to home.    

    A lot of responses have also misunderstood that I asked to go dress shopping but it was offered and not once did I verbally say that as I only have boys.  It was just used as an addendum and In perspective to give insight on why it would have been so special for me to go having always been treated as the after thoughts as opposed to the fore thoughts!!

     

    ..........................

     

    As for Franita however ...... I also don't believe you will like what I have to saymand by response to your posting

    I only thank God that I've never had the pleasure of meeting such an acid individual like yourself.....What a horrible, nasty person you appear to be.  As for what you had to say about if it were your wedding...the only response I have for you is ....someone obviously as nasty as you would never be graced with stepping over my threshold in the first instance let alone anything else....I sincerely pity anyone that has had the displeasure of knowing you.  I certainly wouldn't claim to know you, let alone be involved with anything to do with you......so I suppose I should be grateful for your response as nobody I have ever met has come close to your acid tongue....thank you!

     

  • MrsNoelMrsNoel Posts: 486

    And there we have an example of your true colours. 

  • MrsVJB2BMrsVJB2B Posts: 372

    Woah! I was actually gonna ask the brides on here not to be so harsh, Heartbroken, and to understand that you were obviously really upset. Glad I didn't...

    No need to round on Franita in such a nasty way.

    This thread could get out of hand so can I please suggest we draw a line under it....

  • Sadly, you are both so very right in your chastisement of me. I will be the first to admit and am so ashamed of myself for hurting so much and lashing out like that.....for which I am truly so very sorry.

    I know you don't know be personally but how this has come across is so far removed from how I am.....would help anyone and give my last penny to someone who needed it more..no excuses from my part it was just one stab in the heart too much......in fact I am so soft I find my mouth saying yes when I really meant to say no...

    Most of the responses have been so harsh and, again I've lashed out like a wounded animal (literally) for which I 

    can't apologise enough.....   Being from a Greek background the English way is so uncharacteristic to what we're used to..... .everyone is embraced and becomes extended family, so this coldness and exclusion is alien to me.   Very naively, I wasn't expecting quite the thrashing I've received on here, I thanked MrsT2b4 as I felt empathy in what they'd experienced which in turn helped me.  I didn't for one moment think I would get the tongue bashing that I have......just help an guidance.     It appears the tongue lashing to recipient is okay but the right to challenge not....??.

     

     

  • Over use of the...and inappropriate use of the ??

    I don't feel that this forum has anything to offer you Heartbroken.

    The majority of the brides gave sound and sensible advise, which was to not miss out on your sons wedding as it will almost certainly be something you regret.

    You haven't come across well in any of your posts and you are only appreciative of responses that agree with you.

    Franita isn't acid tounged, she simply expressed her dislike for your post on this public forum.

    Once again if you don't want to hear ALL opinions then don't post, it really is simple.

  • MrsVJB2BMrsVJB2B Posts: 372

    What you have to understand O (and why the name change?) is that the ladies on this forum have formed extremely strong and close frendships through stressful times, and when one is 'under attack' as in your previous post, we will protect and support them.

    I am all for moderation of reponse to contentious or inflammatory posts, and have said so before (I am currently involved in a very unpleasant and upsetting bullying case at work, as a victim and witness). Your latest post has just come over as very sarcastic...

    Of course you have every right to defend yourself but this is a public forum and not all posters will show restraint in their words.

    Seriously, I suggest you don't respond any more as it will just wind you and everyone else up.

  • Don't want to read and run...and you must be feeling sad at being left out of things, however in your daughter in law to be's defence, I can sort of relate. I am an only child and the only family I have is my mum and dad, and 1 auntie/uncle. My H2B family is HUGE. I admit we see my family more than his, I am biased towards my own family, as I'm very close to my parents and it's always just been the 3 of us. So I can see where she is coming from in spending more time with them, and trying to spend special occassions and more time as possible with them. I doubt she is doing it to be nasty but she's probably just also very close to her parents and feel she has a duty to spend it with them. I agree with what someone else said that the relationship between daughter/parents is very different to son/parents.

    My parents are paying most of our wedding so I'm naturally including my mum in as much as possible...but even though they arent really contributing I'm still including MIL to be in things, as it's only fair. Telling her what I've booked etc.

    I can't comment any further as don't know the whole story or any of you, just wanted to throw my tuppence worth in. Hope it all gets sorted xxx

  • FranitaFranita Posts: 487

    Thanks for the support ladies. As for you "O" or Heartbroken, good luck. You will need it with an attitude like that. 

  • mrshughes2013mrshughes2013 Posts: 2,063

    Whilst I don't agree with you attacking franita, who merely offered an opinion,  as you cannot put a post on a public forum and not expect people to agree with you I do understand why you are feeling upset

    my h2b comes from a family of 3boys no girls so I said from the beginning I would get MIL involved in the dress somehow as she wouldn't have the chance for the experience

    SIL2B cut her out when shopping as her mom was the same as your in laws- its the bride and brides moms day etc etc which I thought was horrible ppersonally

    My MIL2B has been really good throughout the planning,even so far as phoning me when she's somewhere saying shes found a cake plate do I need anymore etc-  this is the complete opposite to my own mother who moved 200m away and apart from wanting to know times and came for one dress shopping trip, has had no other interest 

    when it came to finding the dress-she couldn't make the appointment as she had to work so I took photos to show her and when my dress came in we had a girly lunch together then went to the fitting and she had the chance to experience it at lleast

    this was my suggestion and surprise as I wanted her to have the experience as she wouldn't have the chance otherwise so I can see why this would mean so much to you

    thst being said have you considered that she may be getting pressure from her mom? I cannot let my mom find out that my MIL came to see my dress as she would be fuming! Petty I'm sure you'll agree that that is but its family politics 

    gping so far as to say you won't attend your own child's wedding I believe is just a reaction to the situation and if you think about it and the pain it would cause then you really would want to go if not just to support your son, as you have done many times, before on the most important day of his life

    please try not to be too upset and try and see the bigger picture 

  • heliganedenheliganeden Posts: 1,848

    Tbh I think both mothers in this situation sound like very hard work!!

    I never asked my MIL to come wedding dress shopping with me, and we never took either set of parents to view venues or anything like that as we were getting married abroad.

    Lucikly for us, both sets of parents were totally understanding that we wanted to do all the planning ourselves, and they respected that.

    I think your DILs mother sounds hurtful and childish with the phonecall to you that was incredibly rude, but you also sound very needy in wanting to be involved in what is their wedding day, not yours and not the other mum's.

    Being 'heartbroken' because you didn't go dress shopping and threatening not to go to the wedding over this is just ridiculous and you'll regret it in the long run because that is what everyone will remember.

    It'll also make it very difficult and embarrasing for your son & DIL to have to explain to everyone on their wedding day why you aren't there, and you'll end up looking very silly when they explain it to people

    Take a deep breath, remember it's just a wedding, and should be a happy time, not a competition! Rise above what was said and take a step back from it all for now 

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