My Gramps

Hi girls,

Some of you may have seen my previous post about my Grandads battle with cancer if you want to read here is the link http://www.youandyourwedding.co.uk/forum/emotional-support/my-grandad-x/392388.html

He has taken a real turn for the worse and is expected to only live for a couple more weeks, if we have that we are lucky. He is having a drug to slow his heart rate down so he doesn't panic and it is just utterly heartbreaking. I don't even know why I am writing this post, sometimes it just helps to get it off your chest to people who don't know you I suppose. I am scared as to how I am going to live without him (I know I have to but I'm scared of the pain I am going to feel) I have only ever lost one other person which was my other Grandad last year which was horrendous obviously, but he was 87 and he was in a comatosed state after having a stroke and deteriorating over a year so I accepted that he needed to go and be with my Nan (she died when I was 6). I just don't want him to feel any pain and I love him so much he is like my other Dad after bringing me up since I was 10, I am going to miss him so much. Me & H2B have agreed to have Cancer Research Charity badges as our favours and I am going to name each table after his favourite places. I am just so so sad xxx

Posts

  • MrsVJB2BMrsVJB2B Posts: 372

    MrsC it's so horrible watching someone you love in pain - totally understand how you feel. Even tho I lost my dad 13 years ago I still think he's on an extended work trip and will just appear sometime at home with Mum.

    But all I can say is that the sadness does go and you are left with lots of happy memories. It's a cliche but time really does heal.

    Lots of love to you. Vx

  • SyrupSyrup Posts: 87

    I'm so sorry to read this. It's hard and sad at the best of times (though having lost my Dad it does get easier with time even though that's a cliche) but when your wedding is around the corner it must make it all the more painful.

    Try and enjoy the time you have with him now, talk to him (even if he can't respond) tell him how much you love him and then come the wedding day if he is not there you can light a candle to remember him, do favours in his memory or name tables after his favourite places or any of those things or all of them. 

  • Aww hon you poor thing. This is so awful nothing anyone can say can make it any easier for you, you will be going through a roller coaster of emotions for a long while.

    Take comfort in the times you've had and the memories you've made over your lifetime with him. Rest assured that we have a great palliative care system in this country and your gramps will be made as comfortable as possible at the end of his life (this is part of my own job).

    Spend time with him and if it feels right ( to both of you) tell him all the things you'd like him to know.

    Take care of yourself, and remember you don't always have to be strong.

  • MrsC14MrsC14 Posts: 385

    Thanks girls, the MacMillan nurses are fantastic and are very supportive. I just hate this world sometimes, it's been non stop health issues for the past 18 months for my family and this just about tops it off. I really want to say thankyou for everything he's done for me and how he's a wonderful man and I hope my H2B will be an amazing Husband and Dad/Grandad just like he is/was but I get choked up and can't manage to tell him so I avoid it. I'm not sure if I am going to regret it when he does pass away or if I will feel peace at the thought of him already knowing I love and appreciate him by the way we have had a lovely relationship over the years. I just don't know what to do, and I don't want to upset him either. xxx

  • Aww bless you, its heartbreaking watching him slowly downhill image MrsVJB2B is right in what she says and the pain does ease over time, you wont believe it, but honestly it does, its not that you miss them less but that you get stronger, and like I have been told you get to hide it better.  Dont want to turn this into everyone giving their stories but I lost my Stepdad, Dad and then my beloved Nana - she also brought me up, so I do know your pain, and I would do anything for her to share my wedding, but I know that is looking down and gives me signs that she is there with me.

    Wishing you lots of love and hugs and although behind a keyboard we are here for you to talk to.

    Take care x x

  • :D:D Posts: 1,805

    Could you write a letter for him? Then he could read it in his own time or someone else could?

    My Grandpa passed a few months ago, I really wanted him to be there on our wedding day but he knew that I was going to marry a man who would support me, loves me, kind and very much like him!! As others have said, enjoy your time with him now. I have no doubt he knows how much he means to you.

  • This is a tough one and the advise I always give to relatives is to go with what feels right at the time, if your alone together quiet and calm you may think you need to gently thank him and acknowledge what he means to you...on the other hand you may feel that would be too distressing for you both...there will be a time when you will know exactly what to say or what not to say.

    I have to say that when I was caring for my lovely gran in her last days...I never acknowledged the fact she was dying, and she never acknowledged it either...we just ignored it, we both knew what was happening but for us discussion wasn't necessary.

    Each situation, and relationship is different, there are no rights and wrongs. There's a world of professional support out there, if you broach your grandads Macmillan nurse they can point you in the right direction. You can pm me also if it helps.

  • MrsC14MrsC14 Posts: 385

    Thanks again to all of you for replying. I appreciate that everyone experiences grief and if I had one wish it would be that nobody ever had to feel it! I can't write a letter to him because I don't think he would be able to read it, he isn't really "with it" he's talking minimal amounts and sleeping lots. My sisters and brother are only 6, 5 and 4 and they are coming round tomorrow to sit on the bed and see him but I am scared that they will be scared, last time they saw him was a few weeks ago and he was in his arm chair like usual and they were able to sit on his lap and chat with him about school etc but he has lost alot of weight since then and is mumbling instead of talking, I'm scared it is going to upset them but my Dad wants my Grandad to know that he is loved and that includes having his Grandchildren around him. I know my Gramps loves my H2B, my H2B is a very generous, kind, loving person who spent time with my Grandad helping him with the garden, we have shared family holidays etc. I think it's nice that my Grandad come with me when my H2B couldn't make it to sign the contract for our venue and reception and he generously offered to pay our deposit which we are so grateful for and it's nice that he saw the venue etc. xxxx

  • Your fears about your younger family seeing him are understandable, but your dad has to make that decision based on what feels right to him as their parent. Kids are pretty resilient, you may find that they are a bit hesitant at first but then relax after a little while, of course there will be an element of shock there it's unavoidable, and there will be lots of questions but you can help reassure them.

  • MrsC14MrsC14 Posts: 385

    I have PM'd you GiddyKipper xx

  • welshgracewelshgrace Posts: 1,224

    Hi Hun,

    I just wanted to say from the bottom of my heart I am sorry you are going through this difficult time.  I could have written the same post a few weeks ago.  I lost my dear grandpa last week and it is heartbreaking.  Like you, he was like a father to me when I was growing up.  He fought cancer for nearly 18 months after being given just 6 to live.  I am just so thankful that I was able to have him in my life for such a long time, so many people never know their grandparents.  As difficult and unconsoling as it is, we must treasure the happy times and be greatful that we have those memories.  

    I had exactly the same battle with myself.  I so wanted to tell him that I was eternally grateful for his love and support.  He was one of the only people that didn't know that I have a tattoo which means hero, which I had done for him because I idolised him.  I just couldn't bring myself to tell him how much he meant to me because I knew it would upset me too much when I had to be strong for him.  I know this may seem selfish, but I just didn't want to get stupidly emotional in front of him.  I told him I loved him though, and I was there for him.  

    It's an impossible situation, and sadly one which many many people are in.  If there is anything I can do for you, or if you need to talk, please feel free to message me xxxxx

     

    Ps - Sorry, didn't mean for all that to come spilling out image

  • VictoriaoVictoriao Posts: 1,536

    Big hugs sweetie. You say that your not sure how you will cope without him, yet you have already taken steps to ensure his memory lives on and that he is there on your special day. In a way you have made sure you don't have to cope without him and made sure he is there. I have no magic words that can make it all better, however he will always have a place in your heart and you can keep him with you that way.

    Thinking of you.

    xxx

  • Hugs to welshgrace as well x x 

    I think all the ladies have given lovely comments and think its so lovely that there are so many caring people on here x x

  • MrsC14MrsC14 Posts: 385

    Hi girls, I am so grateful for all of your support. You are all lovely.

    Welshgrace, sending hugs to you. Life is so cruel sometimes. xxx

  • Hi Mrs C to be

    Really sorry to hear about your Grandad I lost my Grandad and Grandma to cancer a couple of years ago within a few months of each other and its horrible.

    I agree with you macmillan nurses are absolutely amazing and deserve a bloody good pay rise!

    As for telling your Grandad you love him, he definitley already knows but if you feel you can say it to him I would do as you can't when they're gone. However, it is a very personal choice so only you know if it is the right thing to do.

    As others have said its pretty awful for a while but with time the sadness fades and you are left feeling happy and glad you had them in your life rather than sad that they are gone.

    I wish you and your family all the best. xxx

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