Dilema

I have a problem that I cannot see a solution for and would like some advice on. My best friend is getting married a month before me, although her date was not set when I booked my wedding.

She has now decided she will be getting married abroad, in a beautiful resort in Mexico. It all sounds amazing, although she is expecting me and my h2b to attend at a cost of just over £2.5k (plus extras for taxis and activites etc).

There are many reasons for not going, the main being that we just cannot afford it! We have saved every last penny of our £8k budget over the last couple of years, and are incredibly proud of that. We are literally saving everything we can, and cannot stretch our budget any further to pay towards theirs.

Another of the reasons is the holiday. We would both have to take over a week's holiday days to attend, then the month after another week or so for our prep and wedding, and we then do not have enough days left for our own honeymoon, so we have postponed this for a year so we can accrue more holiday.

I have explained the above reasons to my friend several times, and shown her what we are saving. I cannot take £2.5k out of my budget at this late stage, or change the date at all as we had already booked the venue and the majority of our suppliers before they chose their date.

My friend's solution is to get a credit card, or borrow the money directly from them, but I am so uneasy borrowing money for this, when we are not borrowing for our own day! We will then have to start our married life in debt, which is not what we wanted at all.

When I suggested that I wouldn't go, she got very hurt and said she'd be devastated if I wasn't there, and said that I didn't care as much. Obviously I do and it will break my heart to not see my best friend get married, but the financial implications to us are huge.

Should I borrow the money, or should I just not go? I am so torn, and I am not looking forward to my wedding, knowing hers is just before.

Posts

  • MrsNoelMrsNoel Posts: 486

    She's being selfish. When you book a wedding abroad, it is with full knowledge that you may have to sacrifice the presence of some of the people you love. To insist you go is expecting you to cause yourself trouble to meet her choices. Unacceptable. 

  • 1hels1hels Posts: 63

    I am in a similar situation, and my friend has offered to pay for half of the cost, and lend us the remaining. It's still a lot of money, but she understands it is a huge cost to expect a guest to pay to attend a wedding!

    If she wanted you to go so much, she would pay for you, or at least half the cost, especially given that she obviously has the money to lend you in the first place!

  • Whatever you do don't borrow to go, it's not worth starting married life in debt. Friend or no friend, if she has planned hers so close to yours she must have known you were saving (money and holiday!). Is she not having a party on her return? Can you not play a prominent part at that?

  • nenjennenjen Posts: 1,524

    Your friend has put you in a really difficult situation. I totally understand people wanting to get married abroad, but your friend has to realise that some people simply will not be able to make it and it's selfish of her to assume that you will be able to afford it, and be able to take enough holiday for it. Yes, she'll probably be upset if you don't go, but if she so desperately wanted to make sure that everyone could attend her wedding, she shouldn't have decided to hold the wedding abroad. I really wouldn't borrow money to go x

  • MrsF2b2MrsF2b2 Posts: 831

    What a difficult situation!

    You and your friend obviously have very different views on money management, and maybe different incomes, which is always going to be hard to negotiate. To her I dare say a credit card is the obvious and easy solution and she can't see why you wouldn't want to do that, after all "everyone has debt these days, it's weird not to". Which is a scarily common attitude.

    As far as I can see, you have three options.

    1) borrow the money and go into debt for someone else's wedding, which you obviously don't want to do.

    2) stay at home, which she obviously doesn't want

    3) compromise somehow, maybe you go and your H2B doesn't, cheaper hotel possibly, stay for fewer days (saving in holiday days, hotels and activities) cut costs where possible and borrow the rest. Which probably neither of you will consider ideal.

    First of all, do you actually want to go? You say you are dreading your wedding, knowing you have to get through hers first and it sounds like she has asked you to change your (already booked) date. Is this really a friend you want to put yourself out for? If she is a wonderful friend and well worth it then great, if your relationship has changed over time then maybe this is your change to reassess.

    Assuming you do want to go, is there a level of debt that would be acceptable to you? Say £750 or £1000. If so maybe talk to your friend and say that you would love to be at her wedding but you honestly cannot afford £2500 to go. You are prepared to look at getting a credit card, or accept a loan from her, for up to £1000 and go on your own if the cost can be brought down to that level. Maybe you can work together to find cheaper options for you.

    if you don't want to borrow at all then you have no option but to stay home. A true friend will understand once she gets over her disappointment. 

    Hope you get something worked out soon x

  • Thank you for your advice. I'm so pleased I wasn't being unreasonable, and that everyone seems to agree this is a big ask.

    I have spoken with her many times, and she just doesn't seem to take my situation in. I have thought about just me going, although I won't enjoy 7 days alone with their families! It will still be the same cost for me to pay, so won't help that in any way.

    I also looked at various options of different hotels and staying for a shorter period of time, but the resort they have chosen do the 7 day minimum, and all their accomodation is expensive!

    I really do want to go, but finding this money from no where is a huge stress and I just wish it wasn't so close my wedding so I had more time to save!

  • No! Don't borrow the money. It's is unreasonable and insensitive of her to request that kind of money esp so close to your own wedding. Even suggesting staying somewhere else, your cost will increase as most of the resorts charge a day guest fee and these can be extortionate. 

    Question is, if the tables were reversed, would she do the same? £2.5k should be your holiday/honeymoon money.

    Hubby and I married abroad, and knew it was expensive and offered to pay for my MiL (turns out hubby's bro &sister helped pay too, since they couldn't come), once we found out we wouldn't need to pay for her, I offered for my best friend. Turns out if people want to come they will move heaven and earth. Your friend suggesting you get into debt is not how friends should act. Sorry if this is rash but I feel strongly on this ( n I've just seen your reply!)

  • !

  • I am utterly gobsmacked to be honest - she knew when your wedding was long before she booked her date, so surely she thought that this might cause an issue with you coming along?    I don't think you are being in the slightest bit unreasonable saying that you cannot go - you have done a totally fab job to save as much as you have for your wedding.  Why should you have to cancel parts of your wedding to be able to pay to go to someone else's, or get into debt?  I think that the end result would be that you wouldn't enjoy the time out there, and then come back to think of what you had to get rid of on your day. 

    As an aside, speaking as someone who now has 5 weeks to go before the big day, I couldn't imagine going away for a week now! 

    Focus on your special day, and how much you have achieved.  Please don't let this detract from everything you have planned & ruin your wedding day - I am sure that she will understand in the end, she's just probably caught up in it all at the moment.

  • JCL1JCL1 Posts: 129

    I agree with the other posters that if you get married abroad you know there will be some people who either can't afford to travel with you or can't take the time off. Did she discuss her plans with you before booking?

    It sounds like you've already talked to her about the costs and time but I think you'll just have to lay it on the line and leave no ambiguity that you can't take the time off work and you can't afford that amount of money. Perhaps you could suggest a celebration meal or party when she and her husband are back in the country?

  • I’m really shocked your friend thinks it’s acceptable to force, guilt and manipulate you in to coming. This is exactly what she is doing, probably without realising but she is.  In her defence she is probably in a wedding bubble and thinks the world revolves around her day.

    You have worked hard to save a lot of money yourselves don’t throw that all away now. She knew your date etc.  I’ve been on both sides of the coin here. An (ex) friend got really offended when I couldn’t afford her hen do (ill add it was abroad with a hell of a lot of added extras and id just started uni). Because of how rubbish I was made to feel over the whole situation I have been keen as a bride getting married abroad not to push anyone in to coming that can’t.  I’m leaving two of my best friends behind but I’m not angry with them it’s more me who feels guilty that I’m going away. Yet they are still just as excited and involved with my plans.  She should have the maturity to realise it was her choice to go away not yours.

    Money can be a sensitive issue for most and for her to even suggest you get in debt is absurd! I would sit her down have a frank conversation telling her under no circumstances can you A) afford it B) will get in to debt over it.  If she does get offended point out to her that you are offended she hasn’t considered your feelings in all this and that you too are a bride and that if she thinks it’s acceptable then ask her to pay. 2.5k of her wedding budget on your day.

    I know she is your friend but honestly some brides really get my goat and think it’s an excuse to act like a spoilt brat

  • my friend did. Something similar. Asked me to be moh then a few weeks later said by the way we are getting married in Cyprus. She then expected me to take my two children out of school and get fined as it wasn't in school holidays. A week was 3.5k for All of us. I couldn't get leave so she said just phone in sick. if I flew out on my own I had to stay in a different hotel as they only wanted to see guests on their wedding day and not any other time. She made it really difficult for me saying I agreed to be Moh don't put yourself under pressure or in debt for others. It's really not or Worth it and she should understand. 

  • MrsKGMrsKG Posts: 403

    What a selfish cow! That's all there is to it. Being so blasé about asking someone to put themselves 2.5k in debt just before their own wedding day which they have been saving so hard for is totally unacceptable, especially when she booked a wedding abroad after you had confirmed your date and booked things for your day. I wouldn't get into debt for that, no way, especially as it will mean you won't enjoy your time over there anyway as it is so close to your own wedding and you will have things to do. Totally out of order from her. And how dare she ask you to change your wedding date! Who does she think she is!?!

  • It is wrong of her to be putting that type of pressure on you! I speak as a person who had a wedding abroad, well near enough too - we got married in Scotland (we live in London) and all of our family and a lot of our friends are in New Zealand and Australia. We knew that by having it over here, while it was easier for us to arrange it would mean there would be people who were not able to afford to come. I wouldn't have dreamt of pressuring or pushing any of our guests into spending the money to travel if they couldn't afford to or didn't want to. We don't all know everyone else's finances or what they prioritise spending on and £2.5k is a LOT of money in any case - never mind just before your own wedding when you have the extra costs associated with that. 

     

    It is ridiculous that she is suggesting and pressuring you to get into debt in order to attend. Even though it is hard, if I was in your position I would be telling her a firm no. If she is a good friend she will understand. Naturally she will be dissapointed (I was when people turned us down - but I always put on a brave face to them as I knew it was hard for them all to say no to us).

     

     

  • HAAHAA Posts: 59

    Wow, I feel guilty asking my family/friends to pay £60 per person to stay at our venue, lol, nevermind £2.5k! There is no way she should be guilting you into getting into debt for her wedding! Apart from the fact it will stop you having a honeymoon! 

    I've had one friend marry abroad (only Ireland though) and one who will be getting married abroad (Europe) and both have been really good about making sure we can afford it. Niether would have asked us to get into debt for them! 

  • People like this really boil my wee, selfish selfish selfish, and a real friend would see that. you will have sooo much to do a month before your wedding. tell her if SHE was that bothered she wouldnt have selfishly booked hers a month before yours!! how completely inconsiderate. grrr!

  • :D:D Posts: 1,805

    Blimy I cannot believe she expects you to do so much. £2,500!?!! Blimy, I would never ask friends or family to spend that much. Nevermind the fact that you have booked your wedding the following month!!

    How much warning has she given her guests? I am feeling guilty asking my mates to pay £100 for my hen do!! There is no way I could afford it, I am guessing other friends / family have explained that they cannot go either?

    The only way I can think you could get round it is spending the time out there as your honeymoon? But you can't ask someone to do that.

    I would not do it. She has made her choice, knowing that some guests would not be able to make it. You might end up resenting her if you go. The most important person in your life atm is your OH. So sorry you have been put in this situation.

  • mrsmacmrsmac Posts: 322

    She's being very selfish and unreasonable.  Some brides (and probably grooms too) seem to expect you to move heaven and earth to go to their wedding.  It might be the most important day in their lives, and it's important to you, but not as important as some things in your own life (family, paying the rent/mortgage, your own wedding).

    There are only 2 people in the world I would do anything and get in to debt in order to be at their weddings, and that's my 2 brothers  (actually to be fair about this I should add my husband's sister as well).  When you get an invitation to someone's wedding it's lovely, but you have to weigh up how much it means to you and them for you to be there against what it will cost you, both financially and time.

    I'm anticipating declining an invitation to a family wedding (hubby's cousin) next year which I think isn't going to go down well.  We live in Surrey and it's near Inverness, on a Wednesday.  Normally it would take about 11 hours to drive, but we're expecting a baby about 8 weeks before so the drive would take probably 2 days each way because you can't have a child that small in a car seat for very long - so hubby would have to take a week off work in order to go.  If we flew, it's going to cost about £1k just on flights and hotels, which to be honest is nearly 2 months maternity pay for me at a time when our income is going to be much lower and we're already cutting back to make sure we can pay all our bills.  Hubby's cousin is going to have a strop (several comments already about how having a baby shouldn't stop us going).  We've agreed if everything is ok with the birth then my husband will go on his own, but we just can't afford to pay that much to be there. 

    £2.5k is a lot of money to spend on a holiday, let alone going to someone's wedding, at any time.  Guilt-tripping you over not going and trying to bully you to get into debt for it is unacceptable and unfair regardless of whether you have your own wedding to pay for or whenever that is.

    I'm sorry you're going through this with her, it sounds like she is not being reasonable and I just hope it doesn't cause any long term issues with your relationship.  Sorry to say it but it does sound like she might hold it against you though

    hugs xx

  • VictoriaoVictoriao Posts: 1,536

    I would have loved a wedding abroad... but I knew it would just be H2B and me if I did that. I was willing to compromise on my guest list so gave up my guarenteed sunny wedding and will take a spin with the roulette of Brtish weather.

    When you decide to go abroad you know that this limits the amount of people who can afford, particuary if they have their own celebrations coming up as well.

    It seems that she is not willing to compromise on her wedding but is willing to jepodise your friendship. It seems from what you have written that she is doing all the taking and none of the giving (offering to get you into debt is not helping, its manipulation). I would say stand firm. If she is a true friend she will understand, be disappointed yes, but understand. If not then unfortunately she may not have been the friend that you hoped she was.

    Good luck

    xxxx

  • I agree with everyhting that has been said about this being unfair. I have never been on a holiday that cost this much before, and I don't think our honeymoon would reach that figure!

    Now comes the tricky part of just saying no and leaving it there. Fingers crossed that her bridezilla moment has passed and she understands, as I would hate this to ruin our relationship.

    Thank you everyone x

  • KK12KK12 Posts: 927

    I have to agree with everyone here and think that she is being very unreasonable with you here. Are there many family and other friends flying out to her wedding? Is she having a party when she gets back?

    If she was doing that, at least you would have a part to play in all that, maybe sell that as an idea to her if she is not doing it already, she gets to wear her dress twice then.

    I think you will have to be firm with her or even firmer and say that you've discussed it with your h2b and that you cannot go for financial reasons and that you won't get into debt for going either. Fair enough if she was putting in some money for you both to go but you are already thinking of sacrificing your honeymoon to go to her wedding.

    I hope you can sort it out x

  • We are having to ask most of our guests to pay around £80 for two nights stay for our wedding and I feel really bad- mainly because its all my friends and family and NONE of H2bs image BUT we have agreed that if anyone of my friends can't afford to stay we will pay. (I am determined to take the money out of the free drinks going to his family to even it out but I don't think he will let me lol!) 

    I think everyone has given great advice. We had the same problem with my sisters wedding. In the end they decided not to have it abroad. I said I would find the money to go but I needed at least 6 months to a years notice to save it up- would she consider postponing? In the end my sister decided it was too much (Only myself and my parents had said we would go) so they decided not to have the wedding. they are now thinking about doing something small in this country. 

  • MrsW2MrsW2 Posts: 10

    I had to reply to this, couldn't read and run! This is completely shocking. I just can't get over the fact that your friend is actually expecting you to pay such a substantial amount to attend her wedding knowing that your own wedding is just round the corner! I've just recently got married and had previously considered a wedding abroad. Had I chosen that option, I would not have expected ANY of my friends to pay such a ridiculous amount, especially if they had their own wedding to pay for.

    I wouldn't even spend that much on my honeymoon, let alone someone else's wedding! Everyone on here has given very helpful advice. You need to put yourself and your own wedding first in this situation. It's your special day and the last thing you want is to be worrying about being able to afford someone else's wedding or, like others have said, be entering married life in debt.  

    Gently tell your friend that you are unable to go but be firm. I really feel sorry for you for being put in such a difficult situation. Planning a wedding is not easy and can be very stressful and you certainly don't need any of this pressure.

    I hope your friend is understanding and that everything goes ok for you.

    Good luck!

    xxx

  • She's being totally unreasonable, we got married abroad and we said upfront that we'd invite people but not put anyone under any kind of pressure whatsoever and would accept that not everyone would make it

    Her timing is crazy and I don't see how she can think it's acceptable to put this on you so close to your own wedding, why on earth would you spend so long saving for your wedding only to get into debt over someone elses??

     

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