What would you do in my situation?

Hello ladies,

I'm looking for a bit of advice and suggestions as to what you would do in my situation please.

Basically, my Mum isn't interested in my wedding and she hates my fiance. Yeah, great eh! To cut a long story short, I was having a hard time with work/some friends a while ago and was pretty emotional/upset all of the time. My fiance suffers from an anxiety disorder which he has fought hard for years and is now on top of but my parents wrongly decided my mood was because of him. They literally came steaming over to our house to stage an intervention where they quizzed him on his illness, threatened to take me away from him and my Mum said she didn't like him. Now bear in mind my fiance had done nothing wrong - something I explained to my Mum and Dad and the reasons for me being upset, which have been sorted now. I was pretty insulted they would think what they did (quite ignorant without actually asking me what was wrong - even though I had told them friend and work problems were causing my upset on several occasions!) and my fiance was really hurt.

My Mum said some awful things to my fiance during this showdown (which was about four months ago) and she hasn't apologised, made any effort to patch things up, get to know him better etc. Also, at a later date when things had calmed down she told me that she wouldn't be able to help me do anything for the wedding as she lives "too far away". Now granted, my parents do live 100 miles away but that's not the end of the earth!

All of this has been preying on my mind and I've been trying to repair the damage with my parents and fiance's relationship ever since it happened but to little avail. You would hope after getting things so wrong (albeit with good intentions at the heart of it - my welfare) my Mum and Dad would make an effort to get everything back on track. There is five and a half months to go until the wedding now.

I decided to take matters into my own hands again today and ask my Mum if she is feeling left out of wedding planning as she lives so far away. I said I would love her to be involved as it's an exciting time and I want to do things with her. She said (and I quote): "we are here if you want our opinion" and "large scale weddings don't fall within our experiences and you seem to be doing ok up to now sorting the things for YOUR day." I replied saying whether they fall within their experience or not I would have hoped she would have shown a bit more excitement and interest in it seeing as it's her only daughter's wedding! She has not shown an interest in doing anything apart from visiting our venue once despite me asking her. I then reiterated I would like her to be involved in things. It's hardly a massive wedding as we are having 50 people. I feel like I can't talk about the wedding to her as she just isn't that interested.

She just seems so cold and now she is ignoring me. I'm pretty upset and angry to be honest. I think she is acting like a spoilt child and yet I seem to have to be the one to sort it out.

Apologies for the long post! What would you do in my situation? I want to get this resolved and the remaining bad atmosphere me, my Mum and Dad and my fiance (who they have not seen since the row) as I don't want it spoiling the wedding. Help!

Posts

  • This is really tough as clearly you want your mum to be involved. I have a pretty complicated relationship with my mum who goes through stages of being super interested to not at all so I can sympathise. It’s caused some pretty stormy arguments let me tell you!

    It’s tricky but you may have to accept that this will be a no win situation. It’s obvious your mum isn’t about to apologise anytime soon but you don’t want it to eat away at you. Just be comfortable in the knowledge you’ve done all you can to try and involve her and as an adult she has a choice. If she chooses not to get involved let it be and try and accept it for your own sanity.

    I don’t think there would be an easy resolution. Is your dad more approachable on this and then he could speak to your mum if you explain to him how hurt you and your H2B are?

    Not sure if that’s any help but I do understand first hand that mums can be really hard to handle at time x

  • MrsKGMrsKG Posts: 403

    Thanks for your advice shortbread. You're right in that she is an adult and makes her own choices but it's hard to accept that she's just not bothered. Since her and my dad have retired she seems to have changed and become very selfish. I can understand to a degree as they have lots more time and they want to do more things together but I would have thought she would be interested in my wedding seeing as I'm her only daughter. My dad is a bit more approachable but always ends up backing her up. I am someone who always tries to fix things and find a solution but in this case I just don't know what to do. I feel like I've exhausted all avenues and I'm exhausted! It is the only thing me and H2B argue about as he thinks I give her too much leeway. Well I've decided that what I said yesterday about wanting her to be more involved wasn't out of order even though she is now ignoring me so I have nothing to apologise for. 

  • MrsW2MrsW2 Posts: 10

    Oh dear, what a difficult situation for you to be in. No-one wants to feel as though their parents aren't interested in their wedding day, so I can completely understand why you feel upset. Your mum's behaviour towards your fiance was unacceptable and it's such a shame that she is behaving this way. Shortbread is right, don't let the situation eat away at you. You have given her the option of being involved and if she is still choosing not to show any interest then the best thing you can do is just concentrate on you and your fiance and planning your special day.

    You are absolutely right in thinking that you have nothing to apologise for. She is choosing to be this way with you, so none of this situation is your fault. Perhaps you could arrange a get together with your parents and you and your fiance to help build a better atmosphere and for them to get to know him better? After all, they should make the effort to do this as he will soon be part of the family. Suggest that you all attend a wedding fair together, or arrange a meal or day out together. That way, you will get an idea of how much effort your mum is prepared to make to accept your fiance as part of the family and how much she really wants to be involved in your special day. If she continues to show little interest, then it's her loss and you shouldn't waste any more time being upset over her and instead just focus on your wedding planning.

    Hope this helps a little and that things go ok for you.

    xxx

  • MrsKGMrsKG Posts: 403

    Thank you for your advice MrsW2, I really appreciate it. I'm trying to organise a meal for us all but it seems unless my H2B and I go to visit my parents (who live 100 miles away) things are really difficult. The last two times I have seen them it was at their house, and the problems organising something elsewhere start because they have a dog which they insist on taking everywhere, which rules out going for a nice meal as the dog can't be left on his own/in the car. On the two occasions they have been to our house they have stopped for about an hour to an hour and a half max so they can "beat the traffic". It's honestly a nightmare!

    I think I'm at the point where I can't be bothered making an effort anymore if they can't, but they're my parents so are a special case. If a friend had been treating me like this I would have had no problems letting the friendship go. image My Mum still hasn't spoken to me about her being more involved after the other day. She's obviously affronted/angry/upset/doesn't care or a combination of all four.

    Anyway, I'm off to taste food at the venue tonight with my interested MIL2B and H2B tonight so I will try to look forward to that.

  • Gosh, this must be so difficult for you.  It is such a shame that your Mum doesn't want to be particularly involved in everything.  However, it is not your job to sort everything out between your parents & fiance - she is a grown up and quite frankly, she will be the one looking downright stupid with her behaviour if someone comes up to her on the wedding day and asks about what she did to help her daughter to arrange the wedding!

    I am so pleased that the MIL2B is interested - I would focus on that, and that at the end of the day it is you and your fiance's special day.  As much as I know you would want your Mum to be involved - she will be the one who misses out in the long run if she continues with this behaviour.    

    Get your MIL2b more involved and bounce ideas of her - I am sure she will be delighted to be involved even more, and don't let your Mum's childish behaviour spoil your excitement. 

  • MrsKGMrsKG Posts: 403

    Thanks MrsJ2b6, I appreciate you taking the time to reply. What you have said has helped to make me feel better, along with the kind words from MrsW2 and shortbread. The friends I have told all think my Mum is behaving terribly but it's a tough one when it's your Mum!

    My MIL2B has been great, and in fact we have had to ask her to calm down as she is so excited! In a nice way of course! She is going to be helping with lots of things, is making the cakes for our cake table and will be helping us in lots of ways. image

     

  • It always is difficult when it's your Mum -  I remember when I was planning to move in with H2B my Mum came out with "It's almost like you'd rather be with him than me!" - priceless!   Thankfully that has all passed now..... 

    I am glad that MIL2b is so excited, as you've got someone to share all of it with in her image   I am sure it will all get sorted out by the time of the wedding.  Enjoy the menu tasting tonight - I am sure that will be fabulous image

  • MrsKGMrsKG Posts: 403

    Thank you! I hope so! Mums can be a pain! Glad all is OK with your Mum after that image x

  • MrsW2MrsW2 Posts: 10

    Glad to hear that your MIL2b is getting involved image  It's nice that she's showing an interest and this will hopefully make you feel a little better about the situation. I really feel for you as it does seem like you have to make all the effort with your mum. I think now is the time to just focus on planning your wedding and try not to feel too angry or upset.

    It was the opposite for me. Both my mum and MIL got very involved in my wedding, almost to a point where a few arguments nearly started as my mum thought that my MIL was being a little interfering! So it can be stressful to have parents too involved too. But I feel sad for you that your mum isn't getting involved the way she should be. Like you said, you're her only daughter and she should be getting involved and getting excited about your big day.

    Try not to get too upset over the situation and focus on the positives. I agree, it is a tough situation when it's your own mum, but like MrsJ2b6 said, you can share your excitement and planning with your MIL2b.

    I hope your food tasting at the venue went well image

    xxx

     

  • I am 55 an only child and it has taken me years to cope with how my mother treats me. When I came back from honeymoon 33years ago (we went for 3 days and I had food poisoning!!) she would'nt speak to me.

    Over the years she has stopped speaking for not making her xmas cake on the day I said I would (my eldest daughter was a baby) time management. She did'nt speak to me because I spoke to her sister! there are numerous things.

    I have to put a wall up now she did something awful which I don'nt want to mention but since then I can't trust her.

    At my daughters wedding in March this year my Dad told me they were moving back to our area (they moved to Scotland 23 years ago ) I went into shock I was nearly physically sick ( I actually went off sick at work with stress) I can't explain this but all of sudden she is being nice, my daughter even commented on the wording of my birthday card this year.

    When my daughter got married she lives nearly 200 miles away and I was recovering from my 2nd knee replacement but through picture texts and loads of phone calls we made 99% off the stuff for the wedding, I even made the dresses. I got as involved as much as I could.

    It has taken me along long time to accept the situation with my parents my family are very supportive I have a rant a lot. My mother has to be the centre of attention all the time, even at my daughters wedding she started creating but my wall comes up (a bit like a remote garage door ha ha )

    Your mother may regret the way she is acting but at a counsilling session I ended up going to said my mother probably does not realise she is doing any wrong. I actually have dreams / nightmares on telling my mother all the things she has done to me over the years.

    It is very hard to accept this and it has taken me a long long time to deal with but if H2B and MIL2B are supportive take that on board.

    Good Luck

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