Postpone the wedding??

........Maybe not postpone but change completely!

Due to the increasingly poor health of my dad it’s looking likely that he isn’t going to be able to travel for the wedding by the time it comes round. We’d rather make provisions sooner rather than later if this is the case as I just wouldn’t feel right not having my dad there when everyone else is. The last few days all H2B and I have done is discuss our options without having to cancel but it’s not looking good.

The only alternative we can come up with is if we just go and do it on our own somewhere. H2B’s family travelling to the UK was always going to be difficult due to finances and I don’t think our budget would allow to pay for them plus accommodation with the money we stand to lose on what we have already paid for the wedding in New York. It wouldn’t be fair to have my parents there and not his.

It really doesn’t bother me if it’s just us as long as that’s it. I would be far too upset if I felt my dad was missing out. My main concern though, is it selfish to go and do it on our own? Am I robbing H2Bs family seeing him get married for the sake of my dad or is it making the best of a bad situation and no one loses out. Both families have told us to do what makes us happy but to be honest it’s completely blindsided me as I just didn’t expect there to be any major issues. We already cancelled one wedding because I couldn’t handle the stress of a big UK wedding.

If we do it on our own we will probably do it a lot sooner maybe jan feb time in London or something as we will not spend anywhere near the amount we would have if it’s just us and we can go over to New York in july as planned to see his family then.  H2B has been amazing through all of this and said he will make it the most romantic and special day of our lives and that if I’m unhappy without my dad then it isn’t worth it but most of all he just wants to be married. I just don’t know what to do.

Apologies for the essay and if it makes no sense. My head is spinning and needed some advice!

Posts

  • Could you not just have a simple wedding service over here , just you and your parents / in laws then go off to new york and have a wedding blessing with just the two of you .

  • No because his parents live in new york, mine live here. thats why im torn as one set will miss out if we did that.

  • BanariBanari Posts: 1,847

    Sorry to hear your dad is unwell. That must be difficult enough in itself then throw in wedding stress and it must make it even harder. What about you, h2b, your parents and his parents over here in uk for the wedding ceremony, followed by an amazing dinner somewhere special in jan/feb time for just the 6 of you and then in July head to NY as planned have a blessing there maybe and a smaller party than orginally planned? Double oppotunities to celebrate your marriage and your dad would get to be with you for your actual wedding day & you still get to celebrate in NY.

    I think both sets of parents are right you have to do what feels best for you both and it's great to hear h2b is being so supportive of that too.

  • Sorry , didnt realise they were in seperate countries . I agree with Banari . Two smaller weddings so that everyone is happy . Dont let the uk wedding become a big stressful event amd just explain to people that because of your dads ill health you want a small simple wedding x

  • Thank you Banari. He truly is being so supportive i knew there was a reason im marrying him haha.

    It's more down to cost on that one, our house is far too small with my son, the dog and cat and no real room to put anyone so we would have to find them a hotel H2B also feels he would have to pay for his sister to come as well as they are pretty close and that would make him unhappy if she missed out! it feels like one big complicated mess at the moment.

  • BanariBanari Posts: 1,847

    Sorry I must have been typing as you wrote your previous response ..Could they wait til Jan and then there are great sale flight prices? If your changing plans slightly and the wedding isn't going to be so big could some of the budget cover some accommodation costs. Maybe go halves with them?

    i hope you come up with something that feels right and works best for everyone. image

  • no problem michelle! thank you for your advice x

  • Im thinking of asking my parents to help out on the money they are saving going to new york. i just feel cheeky as i never expect them to pay for anything. if they can that could actually be a possibility. 

    i think a few days off from thinking about it and approaching with a fresh attitude will help us no end. its actually helped a lot just writing it down - all seems a little more logical when in black and white. thank you both for your advice its really appreciated.

  • You said above that both families have said do what makes you happy. From reading your post it would make you happy if your dad was there And it's very important to you. I think by going away on your own you are giving up what you really want 'your dad being there' to make your h2b parents think they have not missed out as well. this is a very hard and difficult situation for you to be in and I can't really offer any advice. If it was me I would do something with my family and have a blessing with h2b family At a later date. if his parents are fit and well I would hope they would understand your reasons behind doing it, given your dads circumstances.  I couldn't imagine getting married without my dad. Here is a little storey about my friend when she got married and how important her dad was....

    my friend booked to get married in Cyprus and 25 guests were flying out. I was moh but turned out I couldn't go . 3 weeks before the wedding (a week before they flew out) her dad  had a stroke and she was in turmoil. However he was improving but couldn't fly. My friend went to Cyrus with the 25 guests but cancelled the wedding out there. She got married with her dad there when she got home in a  reg office. her dad gave his blessing to carry on with her plans in Cyprus but she couldn't. There was some peed off people that they flew out for a wedding that never happened which is outrageous her poor father had a stroke! You and your h2b have to do whats right for you and your circumstances. 

    Good luck, best wishes to your dad.

  • Thank you purple rain. i can understand people may have been put out at your friends wedding but by god its such a valid reason and i would never hold it against anyone who made that decision. i think she was very brave and did what was right for her.

    Just wanted to update that our New York wedding is no more.

    After talking to both families and thinking long and hard we have decided to have a simply ceremony just the two of us in central London.  My dad will be unable to travel and I will not feel right without him there whilst everyone else is, it’s all or nothing for me. His family are struggling to afford to come over here (and frankly have been awkward since despite telling us to do what makes us happy and knowing the situation) so the easiest option is we go it alone.

    I’m at peace with the decision we have made and moved on and feeling a little excited that it will be an intensely special and romantic weekend all about the two of us.

    My dad is very happy with this and it takes any pressure from him too so he can concentrate on getting better image

  • Really glad you made a decision and hope your dad is feeling much better soon . You could always have a vow renewal in the future when everyone is able to travel x

  • Thank you. thats a lovely idea actually and something special to look forward too. x

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