About to ruin everything with my awful self esteem..!

Just need a bit of advice, support, whatever image I have been with my OH for 4 years, when we get married next year it will be 5 years together. We have been through an awful lot of hard times, but adore each other - I just, for some reason, (and not because I don't trust him) worry that he will walk away. Or cheat on me, or fall in love with someone else. The way I have always explained it is that he is so friendly, he will help anyone out an sometimes he doesn't quite realise that by being like that with certain women can send out all the wrong signals... I trust him, just not other people image I'm a very quiet, shy person whereas he is the life and soul of every party going on. Whenever he goes out - I just spend the entire evening obsessing over the most ridiculous things and I know they are stupid... But I just panic no end he will find someone he likes far more than me an I end up starting an argument (which I don't want, but end up doing anyway because of my obsessing!). It's so easy for people to say "just stop worrying" but it is never that simple image Any advice? Has anyone else ever felt like this? Or am I purely crazy? image

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  • It sounds like you can't see what he loves about you. I'm saying this because if you think he may find someone he likes more, then it sounds like you either don't trust him to know his own mind or you don't have a very high opinion of yourself.

    Other than seeking some form of therapy for the self confidence issues, I think you should tell him how you feel. Tell him that you don't want to be needy and you're not fishing for compliments but you need him to tell you every now and again how he feels about you and why he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

    Can I ask though, how long have you had low self esteem? Has it been something that happened during the relationship or has it always been an issue? Do you have a friends you can spend time with when he goes out? 

    Also, I'm sorry but it really doesn't sound like you do trust him. I can't offer much advice on how to deal with the issues but I really do think you need to sort through them before you get married.

    I had always been a reasonably confident person when I met my ex, but by the time we had split up, I really wasn't and I felt a lot of that was down to him. Someone said to me not all that long ago that they couldn't understand how someone can stay with someone who 'squashes' them, but in reality it can happen so slowly that you don't see it happening. I'm not even sure it was a deliberate act either (although some men do it intentionally). It was only when he tried to get back with me and then went a bit cold on me again that he admitted that I seemed so confident now that he felt intimidated, and I replied that always confident when we first met, that I realised he had been the problem. I spent the next year focussing on myself and being happy, making sure I thought my like was worth sharing with another person, then met Mr H.

    I don't know if your partner is the problem, but if talking to him doesn't help consider so pending some time on your own. Maybe take a 6 month break to, as cliched as it sounds, find yourself. If he's still around after 6 months, you'll know he wants you; if not he'll have confirmed your worries. It is an extreme and brave thing to do, but it may be worth it fofor 6 months if it makes your marriage happier. I obviously don't know your situation, so this may be way off the mark. I really do suggest you talk things though with someone you know too, get their perspective as someone who knows you.

    xx

  • xayukxayuk Posts: 591 New bride

    No  you are surely not crazy, cause I am in the same boat and really understand your worries and can understand very well how you feel. Everything what you have  described happens in my life and as you said it is not him that I do not trust him but his friendliness may be interpreted differently especially by other women. Very often as you said when I discuss this with my husband it often ends up in a row and he comes to the conclusion that I am being jealous! what I have found to help is to try and ignore certain situations and live day by day. It is not easy I can really understand but it can be done and it helps as it  avoids some arguments which very often our husbands do not even understand! Goodluck , try to be as positive as possible and keep in mind that he loves you!

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