MIL issues.!!

SO, this is going to be a long story (Im very sorry!) 

The OH and I have been together for nearly 4 years, we get married next August. We have been living together 2 years and engaged 18 months. We have known each other nearly 6 years. 

My parents have been together happily for nearly 40 years. The OH parents arent married but have been together for over 20 years (The man he calls dad, isnt his real dad, but has been there since he was 18 months old - his real dad had very little to do with him and was a nasty man by all accounts). Both his 'Dad' Colin and mum have both been married before but were both in quite awful marriages, so neither believe in the truth of marriage at al, which is fine. 

When we moved into together 2 years ago, his parents turned their backs on us - although were really excited for us before we moved in - The MIL even went as far as threatening my family and calling me a sneaky, evil bitch. We had never had a problem before. His 'dad' Colin then stated that they would have nothing more to do with either us. My OH was devastated, absolutely beside himself about it all. 

We let this all settle, his family were then prepared to speak with us again - his sister however refused to be part of the wedding, even stating that she wasnt coming because she hadnt been asked to the wedding personally - SHE IS THE GROOMS SISTER - of course she would be coming, she doesnt even need an invititation!? She didnt speak to him for a long time. Eventually they kind of made up.

Fast forward 6 months to December 2012 and the MIL became really unwell - had to have 3 discs removed from her back and was tested for Cancer and was quite poorly. Despite everything, the OH and I suppported them through everything. My OH worked all the hours under the sun to give them money to be able to pay for christmas - but never once got a thank you for any of it. Obviously, he didnt do it for the thanks, he did it out of loyalty and because he loves them. 

The MIL then confessed she saw a different side to me during this time - a side of me that has always been there, she just didnt care to get to know me - and we were on good terms. She stated she didnt want to know details about the wedding just let me know when things are booked. Fine. Thats ok. 

So, fast forward another 9 months to september 2013 and we get a phone call from the MIL saying she is being completely left out of the wedding and no one is telling her anything and I tell my mum more than I tell her. 

Firstly, I am only doing what she asked of me in the beginnning. Nothing has been booked, Im merely looking at details. Details she confessed to not caring about. 

Secondly, my mum is my mum and best friend. I will never have the relationship that I have with my mum with her... It just doesnt work - especially after some of the things she has said to me in the past. I dont trust her at all but keep my mouth shut. 

She also turned round to me and said that she doesnt like my OH at the moment (her own son) because he doesnt even buy her a cup of coffee at the moment. And that his brother (half brother by his 'dad' Colin) doesnt like him either because he makes no effort with him. Lets point out, my other works shifts as a nurse - finding time to see them is hard but they never make an effort with him. 

We went to see them last night, which we arranged. The OH took his brother out the week which the OH arranged. and He took his mum out recently, which he arranged. They are all adults but seem to pin all their problems on my OH. Why dont they make the effort, and why is it my MIL seems to just stir problems in the family, rather than trying to solve them??? 

I am at my wits end, because it breaks my OH heart and its horrible to see him so upset. He a

Posts

  • MrsG23MrsG23 Posts: 231

    He already has nothing to do with  his real dad and now feels like he is being pushed out by his only family. 

    Any advice? Sorry for the long post image 

  • I share your pain! Your in-laws sound like mine. We decided it was because they didn't have the control over the OH that they wanted. And were jealous that he had done something with his life. 

    I honestly don't know what to suggest. I had the "you don't tell us anything about the wedding" talk too, not form just from the MIL but FIL and SIL and her 3 kids too! I felt awful and cried the whole way home and we came very close to calling off the wedding. 

    Since then we have tried to involve them but they weren't interested so now we have decided its not worth it. If they try it again I will simply tell them they are not invited to the wedding and we wont involve them in our future lives. It sounds awful but we bend over backwards to make them happy and I have had enough. I don't want my children involved in such poisonous relationships. My parents love my H2B and try and make up for how he is treated by his family by spoling him rotten! 

  • MrsG23MrsG23 Posts: 231

    I do believe it because the MIL isnt in control... She has always been the head of the house and is quite used to being able to use her height (She is 6ft 1) to her advantage. I think she doesnt like the fact that I wont take any rubbish from her either and that my OH respects that. My OH puts me first (which I think is rightly so - Im going to be his wife and the mother of his children!) but his Mum doesnt quite like this image

    The other issue is that she stirs the problem between the family, so his brother and sister arent happy with him now - for no apparent reason. Its ridiculous.

    My wonderful OH is so loyal to his family though. He has said, even if they disregard him and refuse to speak to him, in the future, if they need him, he will be there. Regardless of how they have made him feel. I sometimes think he is too loyal for his own good.

    He also wont let me say anything to his mum, hence the rant on here!! image Good to know someone else has got MIL2b issues too!!

    x

  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,134 New bride

    Unfortunately some people just love drama and are completely incapable of being happy for other people. So she stirs trouble to make herself feel better or give herself something to talk about!! Only thing I can advise is not to rise to it - you would only be doing as she wants and giving her more annunition against you. Your H2B sounds like a lovely person so all you can do is be the calmer influence in his life and let her burn all the bridges for herself. xx

  • They sound like a bunch of arseholes, personally I couldnt be bothered with it, let them get on with it and make themselves unhappy, you just cant please some people so make the effort with people who deserve it and just cut them out. Painful for you OH sure but even more painful to keep going back and keep getting a kick in the teeth from them. Pathetic so and so's!

  • FranitaFranita Posts: 487

    ^^ Agree.  Sounds like you can't do right for doing wrong -  leave them to pick fights over ridiculous things and just get on with organising your wedding with your OH.  If they are going to be arsey about it then at some point they have to realise they are cutting off their nose to spite their face!

  • FranitaFranita Posts: 487

    Of course I meant you can't do wrong for doing right - durh!

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