Bridesmaid dilemma

Hi everyone,  

I'm having a bit of a dilemma / rethink about my bridesmaids., and I don't know what to do.  

Two of them are friends have had for a long time, since university, and although we all live far apart we keep in contact a lot and see each other every couple of months, so our friendships have stayed very strong and they understand me really well.  

My other two bridesmaids are friends I have for about 5-6 years. We have been really close, however I moved across the country and away from them, about a year and a half ago. I got engaged about 8 months ago, and although I hadn't seen much of them since the move, I still felt super close to them, so for me it made perfect sense for them to be bridesmaids. Now as time has gone on I'm feeling like I hardly see them and they make no effort to see me (any meet-ups have been my suggestion).  We have grown apart a bit, and they aren't interested in getting involved with the wedding at all.    

Because we all live quite far away from each other, I had planned a big meet-up at mine this weekend.  It ended up being really bad timing though as we are in the middle of buying our first house, so I'd had a stressful week, and have just starting packing things etc, so I was not exactly in the wedding frame of mind (which I did pre-warn them about).  All I wanted was a nice chill out weekend with my friends, with hopefully a bit of chat about my wedding plans.  But it did not go that way.  

We went bridesmaid dress shopping at it was an absolute stressful disaster, I've realised 4 bridesmaids is actually a bit excessive and it is causing a lot more stress than just having one or two, as there are more people's opinions, ideas and sense of taste to take into account.  Also the wedding itself is going to be fairly small, and 4 bridesmaids is probably going to look a bit silly.  

The first of my "old home" friends has recently got engaged herself, so is understandably heavily focused on her own wedding plans now.  But I did feel like we spent most of the weekend talking about her wedding and not mine, so the self-involved "it's all about me" part of my personality was not happy. She also has this way about her, which isn't malicious or anything, but she's tall and extremely slim and earns a lot more money than I do, and has very wealthy parents, so she sometimes talks almost, not naively, but just a bit unaffectedly about money and body size/shaped (going dress shopping with her is not fun) and the more insecure part of me struggled not get annoyed by it this weekend.  

The other friend was generally negative the whole weekend, criticising some of the choices I'd made about the wedding, and just generally making flippant comments which stressed me out ("haven't you sorted X yet" ", "when I did Y I sorted it months before" etc etc.  At one point she even asked to not be a bridesmaid if that meant she could wear what she wanted!  When I got annoyed and said, fine, quit then, she backtracked and said she was only joking, but part of me wishes she had quit as a bridesmaid if she felt that way about it!  

A lot of this is probably me being over-sensitive at a stressful time, but i just didn't feel like they really wanted to be there or cared very much about my wedding, which is really odd as they both know my fiancée really well, one of them actually introduced us in the first place!  My university friends were much more chilled and supportive, and just generally great, so now feel like I've made a big mistake and that logistically and emotionally there are now only two girls I want with me as my bridesmaids on the day.  I do love my other friends, but I now realised I probably shouldn't have asked them to be bridesmaids.  

To some extent I know I have to live with decision I made, but there's still so much to sort and do (and pay for) for the bridesmaids, and apart from the hen do, they are doing nothing to help me in advance of the wedding.  But then I also feel that I can't undo what has been done now, without risk losing their friendships altogether!  I don't know what to do now as I am just not sure keeping them as bridesmaids is the right thing to do.  


  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    Maybe just say to them after this weekend you understand it is going to be hard keeping everyone happy on the bridesmaid dress front, so would they prefer to do a reading at your wedding or be one of the witnesses

    The other option is blame the budget, your moving house and you are skint, so are forced to cut the number of bridesmaids down, after all its not just the dress but the hair, make up and accessories it all adds up, mine will 'cost' me £350 each, and that's not including the cost of them being a wedding guest, just all the bridesmaid stuff, I did choose made to measure dresses for them though. They are also refusing to let me pay a penny towards my hen do, which is aboard!

    I picked 2, actually they asked, but we'd talked about it before I got engaged, bless them neither have been bridesmaids before so they are both excited. I had other friends I thought about asking but co-ordinating everyone for dress shopping would have been a nightmare, one did actually say she will do anything for me on the day or in the run up but she wants to pick her own dress, she would have been my bridesmaid if I had insisted but what's the point in stressing us both out.

  • Mrs BakeMrs Bake Posts: 1,651

    Hey hun, didnt want to Read and Run.

    Firstly, remember, this is your day. Not theirs. I had the same problem with my BM's. Couldn't get the m to do anything, agree on dresses etc. In the end I spoke to them all and said "Look - you're meant to be helping me, not hindering" I'm not the kind of person who likes or is very good at conflict but I figured this is the one day thats about D and I only. I want to enjoy it so I strapped on a pair and told them the lay of the land.

    My sisters were orignally my BM's but they were very much the same, no use at all so I gave up and told them not to bother (long long story, won't bore you with it)

    Just remember that you can say that it's not a good idea and that they can either help and be BM's or not do it.

    Stay strong and keep smiling hun xxx

  • The different dresses for different styles is something I was really worried about so I have opted for infinity dresses. They aren't too expensive, with postage they worked out at about £45 each and can fit a 6-14 in dress size. All the girls can wear them any way they feel comfortable and we have even talked about them changing the style for the reception!

    The ones I bought are here:

    I honestly cannot recommend them enough. All the bridesmaids love them and it will even fit the one who has just announced a pregnancy! 

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