Do I let my MIL and SIL 2B choose the bridesmaids dresses?

Ok, I mean I am getting to the point I would rather elope at the moment!!

I ordered the bridesmaids dress that my chief bridesmaid found from BHS. Its mint green lace and its lovely. I have 6 bridesmaids in total and 5 of them love it. 3 of them are mums and all they said was they wanted a dress that they could wear a proper bra under and be able to pick up their children without flashing their pants. My bridesmaids are mostly around the age of 30 except for the SIL 2B who is 24. All the others love this dress and SIL 2B doesnt. She wants something a bit more sexy, more legs/boob/flesh. One of the other BM's who isnt a mum has kindly said she will wear the same dress as SIL 2B so that she isnt the odd one out. Which is good of her as she is 32 and probably doesnt want to dress the same as a 24 year old. Anyway, SIL2B and MIL2B have announced they are going shopping this week for the dress. THEY! I have such a hectic week and plans every night so I cant go, they are going anyway, rather than going with me and indeed the other BM who would be wearing this dress. I want the SIL2B to be comfortable and like the dress she wears but I think that as I am the bride I should have a say at the very least.

So do I say no, you can go shopping with me when I (and other BM) are free, Or do I just think, to hell with it, and let them get on with it? I hardly think wanting a say in what my BM's wear makes me a bridezilla. Mint is a really hard colour to match properly and we are having a vintage theme so I didnt want anything too sparkly or flouncy.

Thanks!

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  • Speccy4eyesSpeccy4eyes Posts: 2,050

    of course you have the right to say NO !!

    Who's day is this after all.............. By all means, let them go shopping and try things, look for ideas but I would make it clear that if anything is purchased they run the risk of you not liking it or accepting it and that will be on them. you won't be reimbursing them for the dress etc.

    I think its a blinking cheek when I read stuff like this. Its one thing to express an opinion on dresses but to dictate !!! well thats another story

  • I want her to be happy with what she wears, of course I do, but I also want to be actively involved in choosing my bridesmaids dresses as really the vision for the day was mine and my fiances (and he would have no idea about BM dresses anyway). I think they want a nice mother/daughter day out bridesmaids dress shopping but in my opinion they can do that when the SIL2B is the bride, NOT the bridesmaid. I also dont want to tell my friend that is 8 years older than SIL2B that she will be in a plunging necked, short dress as she is too nice to say if she hates it. In an ideal world, SIL2B would just wear the dress the others are as all 5 of the others like it and its only her being awkward anyway. MIL2B is just bending over backwards for her as she is pretty spoilt really. I want to scream!

  • MrsA6MrsA6 Posts: 962 New bride

    You totally have the right to say no - it is your wedding hun, you 100% need to be there when BM dresses are chosen!

    To be fair, you are being really accommodating letting this BM have a different dress in the first place. If all the other BM's like the dress you chose to start with, then i'd be tempted to say to SIL2B to like or lump it!  xx

  • Speccy4eyesSpeccy4eyes Posts: 2,050

    I understand brides wanting their bridesmaids to be comfortable but surely unless the dress is a hideous throw back, they should, for the most part, just suck it up and get on it with it....Its someone elses day... They can do all this when its their big day.

    I would go with the majority rule........... 5/6 like it, so tough lol

     

    Don't be bullied into anything that will compromise your vision........... You chose it for a reason

  • I worry I seem like a Bridezilla but I have said I can go to the shops (involves going to London - Oxford Street) on Saturday but I cant this week and by the time I get up to London after work it will be very late too. They dont seem to be compromising. The SIL2B cant do Saturday as she is seeing her boyfriend!! I am happy to move my plans on Saturday (my only day off a week with my fiance) so that I can go along but she wont change her plans with her boyfriend. Meh. I promise the dress is nice! Its called "Sofia" and is from BHS - have a look. I dont think its like I am putting them in some awful creation, the others all remarked how they can even wear it again on holiday etc. They want to wear it without the bow which I am happy for them to do. I have really gone out of my way for them to be happy. I am paying for their dresses and I am having bespoke hair slides made for them. All I said was to wear a pair of nude shoes (that they can provide themselves) but simply because one will have just given birth and wont want to wear big heels, one literally cannot walk in heels and a couple of them wont wear anything less than a 5 inch heel. I have been reasonable about their outfits but I really do want a say in my BM dresses image

  • MrsA6MrsA6 Posts: 962 New bride

    I actually went on to their website to have a nosey at the dress and i think its lovely - cant see why a 24 year old wouldn't like it myself?! I would seriously have a think about letting her have a different dress, as Speccy says, majority rules! xx

  • Its pretty isnt it! Ok its not short, but its classy and its pretty which is what I wanted from a BM dress. Its not frumpy either, and the fabric and colour are so lovely. I was a bit worried but it arrived Friday and its just perfect and I really love it. If I could get her to wear it I would be so much less stressed. She is VERY feisty though and not used to not getting her own way, I fear standing my ground might end up in a family fued!

  • I personally thik that it is your wedding and should therefore be your choice as to what your bridesmaids wear (assuming you haven't picked something hideous!).

    That being said, if it makes things less stressful for you and avoids starting married life with bad feeling between you and SIL, maybe you could give all of your bridesmaids the option to choose whichever shorter style BHS mint green bridesmaid dress they want (sofia, darcy, ruby, rose, iris). The shade of mint green should match with them all being from one place and I think it would look better to have a few different (but co-ordinating) dresses than SIL standing out on her own.

  • TadpoleTadpole Posts: 2,133

    Really think that the person that is going to look daft here is her. Because everyone else will be in the same dress and will know that no bride is going to request that a BM wear a different dress from all the others and clearly she has caused a fuss. Really struggling to understand the behaviour from your MIL2B though - surely she should know that it is not normal for the bride not to be involved in selecting dresses? Anyway you could play daft and say that you are assuming that she no longer wants to be a bridesmaid since she is shopping for a dress as the BM dresses were chosen long ago? xx

  • Jenny88Jenny88 Posts: 33

    I'm 25 and would happily wear that dress!  It's gorgeous!  Bridesmaids aren't meant to have their boobs and bum on show...she would look much more classy in that dress than she would in something shorter with cleavage on show.  I totally agree with the other girls...if 5/6 like it then she can either join in or not be a bridesmaid.  As a guest she can wear whatever she wants.  If she kicks up a fuss then get your fiancé to talk to her and to his mum.  24 is a bit old to be acting so spoilt...she needs to grow up!  X

  • MrsA6MrsA6 Posts: 962 New bride
    Jenny88 wrote (see)

    I'm 25 and would happily wear that dress!  It's gorgeous!  Bridesmaids aren't meant to have their boobs and bum on show...she would look much more classy in that dress than she would in something shorter with cleavage on show.  I totally agree with the other girls...if 5/6 like it then she can either join in or not be a bridesmaid.  As a guest she can wear whatever she wants.  If she kicks up a fuss then get your fiancé to talk to her and to his mum.  24 is a bit old to be acting so spoilt...she needs to grow up!  X

    Here here Jenny88! image

  • moonpiemoonpie Posts: 166

    I think that's pretty out of order that they are even considering going dress shopping without you but if they are and it's your SIL and MIL2B so you obviously don't want a big argument over it.

    To keep them on-side but still stay in control then maybe you could say something to the like, "Oh, that's a great idea- you two go and look and dresses and get some ideas of ones that match and take lots of pictures then we can all sit down and decide on one together."

    Are you paying for the dresses or are the bridesmaids paying for their own? If they're paying for their own then that's another thing that you can say is that once you have decided on one together you can go out and buy it.

     

  • Hi Ladies

    Thank you all so much! We are paying for the bridesmaids dresses. I did try to get them all those multi wrap dresses but when they turned up they werent really suitable for a couple of my more "booby" bridemsmaids. They would have been ideal so all 6 of them could wear them their own way, but sadly they just didnt work out. They actually chose and showed me the Sofia dress and I loved it. Its just the SIL being awkward. I dont want to fall out with her and MIL2B but I dont want to roll over and on the day be thinking how unhappy I am that she is flouncy about in a different dress looking different to the others. My other bridesmaids are 27, 27, 29, 32 and 35 and they arent frumpy or anything, all very cool and they all agree that this is very much a bridesmaids dress, its not meant to be a fashion statement.

  • MrsA6MrsA6 Posts: 962 New bride

    What does your h2b have to say about his sister causing a fuss? x

  • He isnt happy about it, but if he says something then it will descend into an arguement (him and his sister are just really silly like that, they have silly arguements). My other bridesmaids are furious about her behaviour as this isnt the first thing she has been awkward about

  • MrsA6MrsA6 Posts: 962 New bride

    Well i had 1 difficult BM myself (my sister in law) and her problem was the shoes i wanted them to wear - 4 of them were fine with my choice, she wanted to wear some she already had and wanted heels and not the flats i'd decided on (also very used to getting her own way in the family!)

    But I didnt back down, and h2b supported me fully, telling his sister that if she couldnt do this one thing for him on his wedding day then maybe she should rethink being a BM - after a couple of weeks of pouting, she ordered her shoes and you almost wonder why the fuss in the first place?!

    I know how it feels, and you dont want to feud with your in-laws before you're even married, but sometimes people need reminding just who's wedding it is! xx

  • Speccy4eyesSpeccy4eyes Posts: 2,050

    Its times like this I am so glad that I haven't got any FSIL bridesmaids.......... All my stresses come from dressing my daughters who will be bridesmaid and flower girl..........and even they are doing as they are told lol..despite the older one being nearly 13 and getting quite fashion concious

     

    don't let her have her own way..... Sounds like you would be better off without her if she's causing so much stress

  • I am letting them have their own shoes too, all I said was get a pair of nude shoes (or if they already have a pair they are comfortable in etc wear them). I let them all choose a hair style for the day, I let them design the bespoke hair slides I am having made for them. They have had so much say in things, I havent been a mean bride at all and stuck them in something they were happy with. SIL is just being really spoilt and awkward over the dress. I dont want an arguement but if/when she gets married she sure as heck wouldnt put up with this from a BM! x

  • Jenny88Jenny88 Posts: 33

    Put your foot down.  Be polite but firm and tell her you would like all of the bridesmaids in the same dress.  If she continues her nonsense just tell her it's ashame as you were looking forwards to having her as a bridesmaid.  End of story!  It's YOUR big day and all eyes will be on you, not her!  Xx

  • Spam88Spam88 Posts: 1,001

    I think you need to put your foot down here.  She can't wear a different dress from everyone else for goodness sake - she'll look silly, and she's not the MOH so why should she stand out from the other BMs?  Just let her know that you've had a little think and you definitely want them all in the same dress and you hope that that isn't going to stop her from wanting to be a bridesmaid.  

    I'm 25 and was actually looking at that dress the other day just to buy for myself lol.  I don't think it's too old at all.  In fact I think it could look very young and cute depending on how hair etc looks.  And what on earth is with all the SIL2B BMs who want to look sexy?  For goodness sake...

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    What has your H2B said? I think he should tell his sister she is being ridiculous! It's his and your wedding not her's. He should also read his mum the riot act.

    I did ask my SIL (brothers wife) if she wanted to be my bridesmaid, but she said she would rather pick her own dress and will do whatever I need her to do in the run up or on the day.

    Put your foot down and your h2b should back you up all the way, if she wants a special dress she can buy her own and not be a bridesmaid!

    I will add it's not just me and my bridesmaids having hair and make up done professionally on the day, both mums are, my SIL and Nan. I love the fact for my brothers wedding my SIL asked me if I wanted my hair and make up done professionally, meant in the family pictures I looked as polished as the bride and mums image

  • I think that's a beautiful dress - I would have happily worn that at her age...it sounds like she is being very petulant and childish!  It is elegant and could be worn again.

    Good advice about telling her youwould like everyone to be dressed the same - good luck!

  • Victoria25Victoria25 Posts: 250

    Honestly I would give up with letting your bridesmaids having too much of an input!  I made that mistake and am now doing a total U-turn!  At the end of the day it is YOUR wedding, not hers, and she isn't MOH so wearing a different dress to the other bridesmaids would look silly.

    I am having issues with my SIL (married to my brother).  I asked all of my bridesmaids for input on the dresses because at first I didn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable on the day.  But every dress I find seems to get a resounding 'no' from her and trust me it's a lot of dresses! I have now found a dress I think would suit all of them and we are going to look at it in April.  If she doesn't like it I'll just be honest and tell her that she will still have to wear it.  I've found that giving bridesmaids room for input is too stressful!  Especially when you get one who is seemingly against everything because it's not to her taste!! 

  • Hi Ladies, glad I am not the only one coming up against resistence. Its driving me mad and causing issues because my friends want to say something to her... and if they do it wont be good because they have had just about enough of her really. Think I might try and put my foot down on this and get her to wear the dress...

  • MrsA6MrsA6 Posts: 962 New bride

    100% put that foot down....! Remember its yours and h2b's wedding, not hers! Let us know how you get on xx

  • ARGH!!! I literally cant stop crying!! I told the MIL that the other bridesmaids like the dress and I would really like the SIL2B to just wear the same dress. She said "She doesnt like it and you said from the beginning that the bridesmaids wouldnt have to wear something they didnt like". So I said that the other 5 do like it though and she said she was sorry I was putting the SIL in that situation!! Honestly, its like it isnt our wedding. I am so angry and so upset and I just dont know what to do. Being made to be the big bad wolf because I dont want one bridesmaid in a random dress!?! She isnt a maid of honour, she has done nothing at all to help with the planning of this wedding so I am not highlighting her as important in our big day. Besides, my best friend is walking my down the aisle so if anyone was to be marked as important it would be her!! So upset and so angry right now. I have said she can change as soon as our wedding photos are over and have had no response. I just dont know what to do. I wish I had never asked her in the first place! I would understand if I had picked out awful bridesmaids dresses but I have gone out of my way to find really nice ones for them so they dont look frumpy or ugly. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

  • Jenny88Jenny88 Posts: 33

    Don't cry!  They are being ridiculous!!! You have absolutely done the right thing by standing up to them...don't give in now.  I don't think she should be a bridesmaid at all after all this.  What is your H2B saying?  I think you need to get him on the phone to his mum and lay down the law...it is much easier for him to be firm with them.  What is he saying about all this?  Xx

  • I think he is scared too. Also, his mum and dad are paying a bit towards our wedding so I think maybe the MIL thinks because she is paying she is allowed to govern what we have. She has had a say in absolutely everything, I have been so good like that (and I dont have a mum myself so I have allowed her to be involved probably more than any other MIL has been!). But when it comes to the final say I truly think it should be down to myself and my H2B. He loves the dresses too, he saw it when my friend tried it on the other day and he thought they were just perfect. He worries about upsetting his mum...

     

    I think I am going to go home and indulge in a whole lot of red wine...

    x

  • MrsA6MrsA6 Posts: 962 New bride

    Aw bless you hun image

    You've done the hard part by telling them what you would like...just stick to your guns now and get h2b to back you up - yes his mum might be miffed for a bit but at the end of the day i doubt she would miss her own son's wedding over this xx

    p.s red wine sounds like a plan image

  • Jenny88Jenny88 Posts: 33

    I know it's difficult for him, but he really does need to support you and stand up to his mum on this one.  Especially if you are paying for the dresses.  Your MIL wouldn't behave like this if you had a mum, it's just not fair!  i don't really know what else to say...the ball is in their court now so just wait for them to get back to you I guess xx

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