maid of honor is in another wedding the day after mine

I’m a first time bride and I need some advice – I asked my best friend who I've known since I was 4 to be my maid of honor. I was so excited to share this momentous experience with her and take yet another one of life’s big steps with her by my side. Then, she recently told me that she's agreed to be in another friend's wedding the day after mine. She is going to be one of only two bridesmaids in the friend's wedding and I'm afraid that with two weddings back to back, she wont be able to be there for me in the way that I need her to be. I mean how is she going to party with me on my wedding night and do brunch the next morning if she needs to leave early and get rest for the second wedding. And then there’s the bridal showers and bachelorette parties… it just seems like a lot, in fact too much. Me and my bff have always been incredibly close and I'm really hurt that she even agreed to be in another wedding the day after mine and I need some advice on whether or not I'm being crazy or if this is something I need to seriously talk with her about. I'd really like it if she'd back out of the other wedding - I just dont think it's fair to either bride (me or her friend who's wedding is the day after mine). Please help with some advice.

Posts

  • PoppinsPoppins Posts: 3,146

    I was in the same situation but with my brother who is our usher, he has been asked to be a best man the day before our wedding by our own father! I don't have anything to do with him anymore so you can imagine how I felt knowing that my father decides to have his wedding the day before mine. I was upset like you which is understandable but I've just had to get on with it. I'd never ask him to pick between us. Which is what your friend might think you are asking to do. At the end of the day she'll be there for a majority of your day which is the main thing. it was easier I guess to tell my brother how upset I was but at the end of the day he'll be there to see me get married and that's the most important bit in my eyes x

  • Blue 2Blue 2 Posts: 3

    Thanks Poppins. Your situation sounds rough too! It is a hard place to be put. I feel better now feeling pissed off at the other friend who asked as well. This is a mutual friend of ours and I'm surprised she even asked my best friend to be one of only two bridesmaids in her wedding, which is the day after mine. But again, I never thought my best friend/maid of honor would agree to be in it. Your circumstance is even harder since it involves your immediate family. I feel for you! But you sound like you have a good perspective and positive outlook. Enjoy your special day! And I'm open to any other words of advice as I truly am having a hard time getting over this, but I guess in a couple months I'll have had more time to deal.

  • SongbirdsingsSongbirdsings Posts: 1,290

    Oh dear, it is unfortunate. You'd have thought that she might have run it past you first. But if she had, what would you have said? Would you really have said no, you can't be a BM the day after our wedding?

    however, I do think that it is the best way around for you....at least you have her first! Your friend who marries the following day is potentially getting the worst bridesmaid deal! 

    I think that the sooner you tell her clearly what your expectations are of her on the day and following morning, the better. Hopefully she will go out of her way to reassure you that she is committed to doing right by you. 

  • BexgreenBexgreen Posts: 505
    What a tough situation your in and i dont know how i would cope if i was in that situation, but look at it this way shes still going to be there for you on your special day not only will you have her but you will also have all your other close friends and family there as well. Do you have any other bridesmaids or is it just her? I would just enjoy the time you have with her and make the most of it. With regards to bridal showers / hen party i would get your invite out as soon as you can and im pretty sure she can be there for both of you.



    Put yourself in her situation how would you react? You never know she might have felt like she was forced into a corner with your other mutual friend and that because she only has two bridemaid that your friend might not have been able to say no.



    Hope that helps xx
  • Blue 2Blue 2 Posts: 3

    Thanks all for your supportive words and advice. I'm just so hurt. I guess I thought we were closer than that as I would not put her in the same situation if things were reversed. I would like to think that I would explain to the mutual friend that my lifelong best friend comes first and it wouldnt be fair to either bride to not give my all.

    I'm thinking about telling my friend how I feel so she's aware. But I dont think it's going to change the situation, except for the fact that I'll be honest with her about my disappointment.

    But as mentioned above, it is what it is and at this point and I need to start thinking about the positive side of things. It's just so hard because as I'm sure you all feel, as a bride, you want this to be the best time of your life and feel the love from all around while you get ready to marry your love.

    Again, thanks for the advice. Any advice on what I should say to her when I express my feelings about the whole situation? I dont want to piss her off, just tell her how I feel because we've always been honest with each other and this time should be no different, I feel.

  • Spam88Spam88 Posts: 1,001

    I can understand you being upset, but maybe you need to think how you'd feel if the other bride had asked her first and then when you asked she said she couldn't be a bridesmaid because she was being one the day after!  Would've been pretty rubbish.

    I'm sure it feels like a pretty rubbish situation right now, but you'll still have her for all the most important parts!  She'll be fresher on the morning of your wedding to enjoy getting ready with you image  If she does have to leave earlier the next morning and miss brunch is it really the end of the world?  I'm sure you'll be too busy gazing into your new husband's eyes to be too concerned! image

  • BexgreenBexgreen Posts: 505
    To be honest i wouldnt say anything to her as you could make the situation worse x
  • laurapjlaurapj Posts: 726

    I understand how you feel, I have a similar thing in that one BM is also BM to two other girls the week before and week after mine, and they got in early and booked their expensive hen do's going for weekends away and now my BFF has no money to do anything much for my hen do and they are also being more demanding of her time with preparations so I think my wedding and hen will end up being a bit of an after thought (despite me knowing her a good ten years longer than them!). My other best friend has recently found out she's pregnant and is due the week after my wedding so probably won't be able to be there at all let alone be as involved with some of the preparations as I'd like her to be. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really upset when she told me and I had a little cry to myself but then I had to let go and be excited for her. Another very good friend has a wedding the next day the other side of the country so has to leave ours early. All of these things suck and do make me feel sad but I would never say anything to any of them to make them feel bad about it. It's called getting older unfortunately and people are always going to have other commitments and things going on in their own lives and your wedding day is never going to be as important to others as it is to you. It's a shame but you just have to trust your best friend will be there for you as much as she can be, and understand and appreciate that. Why should she let down other people who she cares about? I'm sure you will still have the most perfect day, and as others have said, at least you've got her first and won't be the one with a hungover BM hehe! You'll have a great time I promise you, try not to get too hung up on this xx

  • How lovely for your friend to be asked to be bridesmaid at two weddings in two days!  She must feel really flattered.  It's lucky the weddings aren't both on the same day because then she really would have a difficult decision to make.  If the other bride only has two bridesmaids then your friend must mean an awful lot to her.  Why should she not have the day she wants just because you happen to be getting married the day before? Her wedding day is no less important than yours is.

    I know your wedding is the most important day of your life, but it's not the most important day of your bridesmaid's life and why should it be?  Surely she's doing enough already by being there to help you get ready for your wedding - is going for "brunch" with you the next day really that important?  It's you and your husband that really matter and I really don't think this is the kind of thing you'll be remembering when you're celebrating your golden wedding anniversary. 

    This may sound harsh but I think you need to look at this with a bit more maturity and gain a sense of perspective.  You're getting married and your best friend is going to be your bridesmaid - how lucky are you!  I'm actually quite bemused as to why you think you have the right to expect her to back out of the other wedding.  This sounds really selfish to me but everybody's different I suppose!

     

  • Jenny88Jenny88 Posts: 33

    I have to agree with April2013BeachBride.  Your wedding day is about you and your H2B, and even more so the following day...your first day as husband and wife!  Do you really think it will matter if she has to leave a little bit earlier than you wanted her to?  i think you should put things into perspective...she is going to be there as your bridesmaid regardless of what she has planned the following day.  It is the biggest day of YOUR life...everyone else's lives go on!  Hope that doesn't sound too harsh xx

  • natsxonatsxo Posts: 268

    I think chill out, I'm sure she is aware of the commitment and wanted to be a big part of both days, she is only human. and to be honest, bridesmaids are t there to wipe your ass are they?? I'm sure you can cope when she can't be around. thinI of her feelings to, two very important people she wants to be part of their day. 

  • BexgreenBexgreen Posts: 505
    I completely agree with jenny88 and april2013beachbride (im sorry to say)
  • :D:D Posts: 1,805

    Our best man's brother booked the same day as us, so we moved ours forward a day. We are pleased he can make it as obviously family comes first. They have to leave early but we are just happy that they will be there the majority of the time.

    Your bridesmaid will do her best to help both of you out and will enjoy helping you plan. It might be worth organising your hen in advance or anything you really want to include her in to avoid any problems. My Sister and best friend married a couple of months between and it wasn't a problem.

  • i think you need to be upfront with her about what you imagine her role to be - is she aware that you want her there the morning after, for instance? it may well be that she doesnt want to get smashed at your wedding (but then, how wonderful for you - a sober maid of honour who can help out sorting outtaxis etc at the end of the night) but as longas you're clearwith each other there will be no surprises on the day

  • Victoria25Victoria25 Posts: 250

    I think you need to look at it from her point of view.  2 of her friends have asked her to be bridesmaid at their weddings but the weddings are only a day apart.  What is she supposed to do?  Saying no would hurt one of you and she probably really wants to be part of both.

    At the end of the day the wedding is about you and your H2B,  Your friend might not be able to 'party' as much with you as much on the day but an awful lot of people I know who have been married say you basically spend the whole evening talking to family and friends!  

    Do you have other bridesmaids you could pass some responsibility on to?

  • nenjennenjen Posts: 1,524

    Difficult situation to be in but you've definitely got a better deal than your mutual friend who gets married the day after. She'll be worrying about your maid of honour getting really drunk, being hungover and turning up late on the morning of her wedding. Plus your maid of honour will inevitably be nowhere near as excited about going to another wedding the next day. I'm sure yours will take priority.

    You get to have your maid of honour for a full day all excited and fresh and ready to help you get married. Yes, she may have to leave early in the morning, but in all honesty, the day after my wedding I don't think I'd have even noticed if my bridesmaids weren't around! I saw them both at breakfast at about 9am but after that I was so busy buzzing round talking to friends and family and just being with my new husband that if my bridesmaids had had to leave for some reason, I really doubt I'd have been bothered. There were plenty of people I didn't see at all the next day because they were so hungover from the night before! I'm sure it will all work out perfectly for you. Try not to let it get to you and just enjoy the run up to your special day xx

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  • MrsLJC2bMrsLJC2b Posts: 451

    It may be difficult for her too.

    I was best woman for my friend and the next day my husband was best man for his brother, 300 miles away! It meant we had to leave my friend's wedding at about 8pm as my father-in-law didn't want us arriving too late, which was quite upsetting for me as I wanted to stay longer! 

    I can understand why you'd feel upset but I'm sure, if she's a good friend, that she'll give all she can in the run up and on the day. Be happy she is willing to do both!

  • MissF87MissF87 Posts: 69

    im sorry to say I have to agree with some of the other girls comments about looking at it from a more mature angle. I'm sure she is thrilled to be your bridesmaid and shes obviously highly regarded as a good friend if someone else wants her to be part of their special day too. Just because she has other commitments the next day doesn't make your day any less special, she will equally love it just as much as she would if she wasn't bridesmaid for someone else... The most important thing that matters is you get to marry your husband have a beautiful day with all the people you want by your side . If your bridesmaid doesn't get  absolutely hammered that evening or make it to brunch with you the next day shouldn't be impacting how you feel about your upcoming wedding x

  • heliganedenheliganeden Posts: 1,848

    I think it's really unfair of you to put any kind of 'blame' on your friend about this, or to feel like you've been hard done by in some way and feel incredibly hurt  image Are you worried about not being the centre of attention because there's another wedding so close?

    She's done nothing wrong apart from clearly be a very good friend to many people and so is in high demand when it comes to being a bridesmaid!!

    You can't dictate  what time she leaves in the evening or whether she does brunch the next day anyway, I know it's your wedding but you shouldn't try and control everything that every guest does before and after, even if she is your bridesmaid.

    She must be very close friends with the other bride too, so it wouldn't be fair for her to say no to being her bridesmaid, you're just lucky the dates don't clash completely. I think even suggesting she backs out of the other wedding it completley unacceptable, how close you are is irrelevant, she shouldn't have to choose, there's no need to.

    If I was her and you had a 'serious talk' with me about it I'd say you need to chill out, it might seem a lot to you, but obviously not to her, and it's not impossible by any means to do both.

    As for hen parties, yes you'll need to make sure they aren't too close or clash, but depending on when you're getting married you can plan for that, and what other 'duties' do you need her help with? Dress fittings, hen party, what else are you expecting of her, won't you and your h2b be planning the wedding?

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