Am I behaving normally?

So, it is officially less than 5 months until the wedding (eee!) and we are starting to finalise everything.. My OH takes a fairly background role in the whole thing and generally lets me get on with everything.

The MIL on the other hand has kind of dictated throughout (despite not contributing much to the day). When we got engaged 2 years ago, MIL wasnt happy. She said she didnt want to know details as she wasnt that sort of person and to just let her know when we have made decisions. She came along to see various venues, came along with me when I bought my wedding dress, we took cake samples round to see her, have shown her various samples of invitations, let her pick the transport (dont ask!) and yet she still seems to have a hold over wha is happening.

For someone who doesnt like details, she has caused such a fuss if she doesnt know the ins and outs of everything - on numerous occasions fallen out with my OH over it (she threatens to never see him again and cut him out the family - this angers me more than anything!!!). When I took her a design of a wedding map I made personally she merely said "oh, I can do a better one for you" NO! When i told her the budget of the BM dresses (£100) she gasped and claimed how that was far too much and found me these awful cheap dresses online! When we told her about the flower designs she merely said "Why would you want that?" err.. because I do?? and FINALLY what has really, REALLY grated on me this week is that when we went to buy the wedding rings, I wasnt allowed to put it on facebook. I was SO excited but I wasnt allowed as OH hadnt told her yet and she would be really offended by that....

I just feel that every decision I make is questioned or poo - pooed by her. I feel I have to curb my excitement just incase it offends her. And then to top it off today, my OH went and picked the rings up without me... but took her. I know it sounds petty, but I would have liked to have seen it first - he is my H2B. I took a picture of it when he got home with it  - this went into a big old argument whereby he claimed I let the whole world know our relationship and he wasnt happy with that. I was so upset.. I wasnt going to put the picture on facebook, I just wanted to have it on my phone.. but I cant help think that his mum is behind it all..

Sorry for the rant.. just so exhausting having to deal with MIL!

x

Posts

  • That sounds awful. I totally understand why you'd be a bit pissed off! she sounds quite controlling and a little bit minipulative, as she is your future mother in law it could cause quite a rift if you were to say something. It could be that she doesn't realise she's going anything wrong? Has she always been this way?

    do you think your h2b would say anything to her if her interfering sorry ' input'image got worse? if I was you id just keep going ahead with all your plans & ignore her. I'm sure everything you've got planned is lovely. Xx

  • MrsG23MrsG23 Posts: 231

    She has always been like it..! Thing is, my OH is VERY close to his Dad and if he were to talk to his mum about it, she would kick off, cut him out the family and that would be it. If she doesnt speak to someone, no one does so he would lose his entire family. 

    At the moment I am just letting her get on with it.. but this has happened before and im calm until pushed TOO far. So I will only let her get away with it for so long - im just not sure how much longer I can be calm for haha image 

  • MrsG23 i totally know where you're coming from i seem to have the same problems with my MIL.

    she is very controlling, not just over the wedding but our lives in general, she goes mad and wont speak to us for weeks if we've bought a new piece of furniture without speaking to her first, yes she really is that petty.

    my MIL has not helped with the wedding arrangements at all, and everytime i try and involve her she tells me she is too busy and she will think about the wedding the month before when she has more time but then when we do decide on something she will disagree and tell us we should be doing something completly different.

     

    i know exactly how you feel, everyone tells me how exciting the preparations are but all mine has been is a stress and makes me upset,  xx

  • I know the feeling. I have allowed the MIL to have an involvement but I have reached the point where I have had enough. All it does is cause arguements with me and my H2B and last night we actually decided we are probably going to cancel our wedding. It was 4 months to the wedding yesterday and we have thought that actually, its been taken far beyond our control. Its no longer about the 2 of us, the MIL has spiralled into all being about what she wants with the spoilt brat SIL dictating my bridesmaids dresses. So today we start to look into an alternative. Think Carrie and Big at city hall. So just us, our 2 closest friends, our awesome photographer and then a fabulous meal at an awesome restuarant. We will tell the MIL that we are cancelling our wedding (and losing thousands of £) but she is NOT being told the date of our wedding now. I think we will try and do it on a Friday and literally, we will get married and then when its all done we will tell friends and family. It might ruffle a few feathers but we are both sick to death of it all now. It was meant to be about the 2 of us being in love and its got to the point its almost splitting us up with the arguements and MIL putting my H2B in the middle. All I want is to call him my husband and if that means the 2 of us and 2 witnesses in a registry office then so be it. Good luck x

  • Its been so awful though JCL1 and I am so fed up with all the arguements about what everyone else thinks and wants. I think H2B is going to tell his mum that this is what we are now considering doing. I am sure she will go fifty shades of crazy about it but if she hadnt been such a monster in law about it then it wouldnt have got to this point. All I wanted was them to back off and stop ganging up on me and its been non stop. I have felt bullied by SIL and MIL for months about my "weight" and this has all kicked off because SIL refuses to wear the same bridesmaids dress as my other bridesmaids.

  • JCL1JCL1 Posts: 129

    Ah I'm so sorry this has been your experience. I think you're doing the right thing by getting this all out in the open. Maybe becuase you're been so accommodating your MIL and SIL don't even realise how upset you are?

  • KK12KK12 Posts: 927

    I think you need to have a chat with your h2b first of all and tell him how much this is upsetting YOU and that the both of you need to present a united front together so that your MIL gets it and that you are standing firm - he shouldn't have really picked up the rings together with his mum - he isn't marrying her, he's marrying you and what business is it of hers of what you say or do - no wonder people get funny with her, clearly she's not used to people standing up to her and if they do she gives them the cold shoulder - that's no way to behave at all! She sounds like a bully and you have to show her that it's YOUR day, end of!

  • MrsG23MrsG23 Posts: 231

    SO glad I am not the only one that has to be dealing with all of this rubbish!

    Unfortunately, my OH is stuck in the middle. He finds his mother unbearable at times and doesnt enjoy spending an awful lot of time with her at the best of times - but he has to keep her sweet. The man he calls dad and who is also our best man isnt his real dad but his step dad - his real dad left a long time ago so I think (although he doesnt like talking about it all that much) he has already had to deal with never speaking to his real dad ever again and so holds on to the relationship with his mum because she is, in reality, his only real blood relative - even if he does find her unbearable. Its tough - I don't like getting upset about things to him because he already feels so in the middle and he knows that her behaviour is irrational and rather petty... but what can you do? 

    I have spoken to this mum before regarding her behaviour (especially when we moved in together) and she called me a sneaky, conniving little cow who is a princess who cries to get her own way... Charming. I cry a lot. But that includes when I'm happy, sad, frustrated, scared. Im just an emotional person. At that point I went for her and I think for a while she had a bit of respect for me for standing up to her. However, right now, I think she just resents the fact that she isnt in control and she also knows she cant push me into or out of doing anything I dont want to do. Im generally quite quiet but she has seen the other side of me so tends to go through my OH about most things because she knows she can flip the "I will disown you" card and get her own way. 

    SO good to have a rant with you guys though! I am in no way changing our special day though!! Not a hope in hell!image 

     

    xx

  • MrsTaylorMrsTaylor Posts: 500

    How sad that you're both feeling so low about the wedding plans - to the point that one of you is even considering cancelling the wedding!

     

    I think you just need to do whatever makes you happy at the end of the day. As it's been said, all that matters is that you get your hubby at the end of the day, so try not to let other people push you around and bully you - easier said than done I think :P

     

    My h2b's family aren't coming after a massive falling out in the family. It's been really hard, but we just remind ourselves that we aren't getting married for THEM...that we are getting married for US, so we try and focus on that image xx

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    MrsG23 you and your h2b need to be united when dealing with his mother, your h2b needs to tell her you are going to be his wife and while he loves her if she continues to try and cause issues between you two then he will have to reconsider her relationship with her.

    I know he doesn't want to do this, but if a friend behaved like this would you stay in touch with them. I appreciate he wants to keep his family but by the sounds of it he is sacrificing the family he is making with you to keep one that treats him badly happy.

    He should not have picked the rings up with his mum and he should not be parroting her opinions to you, if there his that's fair enough but if there not then he needs to be honest with you.

    My FMIL has her moments but we have been together over a decade and she now knows the score, I am the number one woman in my h2b's life that won't change unless we have a daughter.

  • MrsG23MrsG23 Posts: 231

    When we first moved in together 2 years ago she threatened to disown him then and he said to her "***** is my family now, do what you want" and she didnt like that. I dont think she likes the fact that I am his no.1 priority - she even tries to tell me that I will never know him as well as she knows him... which isnt and will never be true. Ive learnt more about him in the 5 years we have been together than she has in the entire 24 years he has been alive - purely because I take the time to listen. She never does as she is thinking too much of her own self to ever find out what is happening in his life! 

    I dont want her involved as such - I dont ever seek her opinion on anything. I do just tell her what is happening as I feel bad - it is OH family at the end of the day. Im not a nasty person and I constantly try to see the good in people... but you are right, if she were my friend I would have said "CYA!" a long time ago! 

    Strangely enough, my fathers mum was exactly the same towards my mum for YEARS and I mean like 30 years!! its only in the last year that my dad has disowned her! 

    I think we just need to keep our head down and do what makes us happy, Im not changing for anyone!! x

  • herstoryherstory Posts: 1,268

    Your h2b needs to assert himself again! And back you up. 

    Luckily my FMIL has never been fool enough to think she knows my h2b better than I do, it's a shame yours is so deluded!

    Keep doing your own thing image

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