Dealing with awkward bridesmaid situations

I got married last summer in my hometown & asked my best friend Jane of 13 years to be my maid of honour. She currently lives in Australia where her & I went backpacking together a few years ago - she just never came home as she met a guy out there during our travels! She did however come back home to be my maid of honour last summer & for that I will be eternally grateful.

The problem I have now Is that she has just got engaged & will be having her wedding in the UK next summer! My husband & I however are emigrating to Australia after Christmas & will be starting from scratch with no home & no jobs so it's going to be difficult to commit to coming back home for her wedding only 6 months after leaving the UK.

She's a very laid back person & has told me she's going to start planning 'properly' this summer when her & her fiancé relocate back to the UK, which I can quite believe, however she's yet to tell me who she is having as her bridesmaids / ushers etc. she has a best friend from home who she's been friends with since primary school who I think she will ask to be her maid of honour, she also has a new best friend in Australia who ironically is English & who I presume she will also ask to be a bridesmaid, or perhaps she already has because she is posting a lot of photos on Facebook of them browsing through wedding magazines etc.

I don't expect to be asked to be one of her bridesmaids, it would actually save my husband & I a lot of financial worry if she didn't ask me due to our pending move to Australia, but either way I feel like she must have selected her bridal party members by now & either way I'd really like to know if I'm one of them.

Am I right to presume that if I've not been selected as one of her bridesmaids she should at least tell me, bearing in mind she was my maid of honour only 6 months ago? It's such a tricky situation because I obviously don't want to ask her.

How would other people expect to be treated in a situation like this & how would you handle it?

Posts

  • :D:D Posts: 1,805

    I think you need to consider what your response will be if she asks you. Would you come back to the UK if you are part of the bridal party? Will your response change if you are a guest? There is no point worrying about if she will ask you until you have more information as it is out of your control and I don't think it is something you can ask without making her feel uncomfortable.

    Hope your move to Australia goes well image and I am sure she will understand if you cannot commit due to expenses as she was in the same situation. 

  • Hi & thanks for your reply image 

    if she asks me to be her bridesmaid I will of course be delighted & ill come home for her wedding, but due to the cost of 2 flights etc we'd need to take the costs in to account now & save towards  it whilst we are still in the UK & have jobs/income. If she doesn't ask me to be her bridesmaid then I think we'd have to make our decision once in Australia & have found jobs etc. 

    Based on her Facebook photos I think she's chosen her bridesmaids. I know she's not under obligation to tell me who her bridesmaids are but surely out of respect if I'm not 'selected' then she should tell me? What do you think?

  • :D:D Posts: 1,805

    I have to admit I would have thought she would have spoken to you by now, but it might be something she wants to do face to face? I am sure she will understand that as you will both have to settle and find your feet you will have a lot on financially, but setting money aside just in case would be a great idea image

    Would it be possible for just you to come back for the wedding? We were both invited to a wedding in Scotland next month, but we have explained that as my OH is doing supply work and with our wedding coming up that we can only really afford for my OH to go. Plus I am sure they are pleased to offer the +1 to someone else.

    I personally wouldn't ask as she might think its rude or feel pressured into asking you to be a bridesmaid. If you really wanted to I would ask if she has looked at dresses, bridesmaid dresses... and see if she says anything rather than asking directly. Wedding planning is pretty stressful.

  • I don't think so to be honest. It can be really awkward when someone expects to be your bridesmaid just because they asked you. It isn't a reciprocal thing. My dad's wife (similar age to me and an old friend) asked me to be her bridesmaid, but then made a comment later that made me realise she expected that to be reciprocated, but that didn't influence my choice and I haven't felt I have to tell her she wasn't going to be mine. I just mentioned who I was having as part of the general wedding talk.

    I thought I'd ask two friends and had hinted at that but once we got engaged and my future sister in law wanted to do it, I decided just to have one as I didn't really want a group, just one or two. I told my friends when I saw them that I was having just one bridesmaid and it wasn't an issue, I don't think people need to be told they're not, because I don't think most people would assume they were.

    If she has chosen people and not asked you, you have to assume she isn't going to. I can understand that you might feel hurt by this if it hasn't been long since your wedding. But people can be a bit odd - my friend also moved to Australia nearly 4 years ago to live with a man she'd met on holiday. She went 10 weeks before our former flatmate's wedding and promised she was coming back for it then changed her mind At a couple of weeks notice. I asked her last time she was in the UK (she comes back once a year) if she was going to be in the UK around my wedding and she said no (not an issue for me - we've drifted apart a lot) but then she emailed me a few weeks ago to ask if I was planning to attend her wedding in Thailand. I said we wouldn't (we wouldn't ever go there on holiday so we would have to go specifically for her wedding - we don't have family over there to visit) but told her I wanted to hear all about her plans and see the pictures, I also asked her generally about how she was, etc, and she never replied. I'm worried she may be offended but I don't see how.

  • This got me thinking as I have kinda had this situation from the opposite perspective! I have been a bridesmaid 4 times already... but out of those 4, only 2 I am still close to. (best friend and my brother's wife).  One of the others had asked me to be her MOH which I was very honoured by - although very surprised as before that, I hadn't heard from her for months.  There is also someone else, another friend, who got married abroad but I organised her hen do for her (as apparently I would have been a bridesmaid...although no friends invited)

    When I decided on bridesmaids, I have had to go for simplicity... choosing only my brother's wife.  Although I would dearly love to ask my two best friends (one of whom who asked me to be BM), I was really worried about upsetting the other 2 girls who I had been bridesmaid for, AND the girl who would have had me (who was quite clearly hoping to be asked) - and we just can't afford many bridesmaids, let alone 6!!!!  Even 3 was going to push our budget.  I did explain this to everyone as several people were hinting and I didn't want to upset anyone by not being clear about my reasons.

    It could be that she hasn't asked anyone yet...as she wants to do it face to face... or that she is keeping it very simple too!  She might be still deciding... She might not want to put any pressure on you knowing that you are emigrating.

    Until you meet up and either she mentions it or you casually can ask who her bridesmaids are/what they are wearing etc I wouldn't worry too much.  I would start putting the money aside in case and see what happens.

    xxx

     

     

     

     

  • Thanks for all the advice ladies image

    as mentioned in my original post I don't expect her to ask me to be her bridesmaids, just because she was my maid of honour, but I do think that out of respect it would be nice to tell me if she didn't want me as her bridesmaid, even to just tell me who is in the bridal party would be nice but it seems that she's happy to talk about all other things to do with the wedding with me but just hasn't mentioned the bridal party. I don't want to ask her because it will look like I'm fishing for an invite to be one, when I'm not.

  • MrsLJC2bMrsLJC2b Posts: 451

    I can understand how this is difficult, I wouldn't want to ask either. 

    One of my bridesmaids got married and before she was engaged she spoke about me being a bridesmaid, asking what I thought of themes etc. When she actually got engaged I was waiting to be asked but it never came! I wanted to ask but she wouldn't answer any questions about the wedding and I had to figure out for myself that I wasn't a bridesmaid. Ultimately it didn't matter but I'd rather have known, can u imagine if I'd thought I was after our initial conversations and then put my foot in it? She'd have felt so awkward!

    For practical reasons you could do with knowing but I'd avoid asking directly, instead you could say something like 'so have u got any idea about what you might like your girls to wear from the magazines?' then if she starts talking about her bridesmaids likes and dislikes with dresses then you'll have your answer! If you don't think that would be clear you could try asking the question as if assuming you aren't bridesmaid, something like 'have your bridesmaids given you any ideas about what they want to wear?'


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