Alcohol issue with bridesmaid

I know that sometimes we are all guilty of having too much to drink and I've been there myself many a time - however - I have been detoxing since Jan this year for my wedding in June so I am hardly drinking at all, I am lucky that I can take or leave it really and as I work a lot of Sundays since I exhibit at wedding fayres, I can't go out on the town on a Saturday night, get leathered, go to bed and get up at 6.30am and do a wedding fayre so I guess I have become a bit boring!

Anyway, one of my adult bridesmaids has been hitting the town and hard near enough every Saturday night - quite a few people have noticed this and some comments have been made which she got really defensive about a few weeks ago. I didn't say anything at that stage but I have been worried about her lifestyle in general and have discussed it with my fiance too and he is in agreement with me.

So she went out for St Patricks Day as she is Irish - I didn't go out as we had been at a weeding fayre on Sunday and I was knackered and processing orders - she said she was going to meet some mutual friends of ours after work and then go home at 9pm when one of them was getting the train back home - only she didn't - she told me that she stayed out and didn't actually have a clue what time she got home and that she knew she got a taxi but really didn't know how she'd got home but then somehow she had got into an argument with the taxi driver and he called the police on her - she wasn't arrested and she did get home but she didn't really remember what had happened which really worried me.

I do know what her alcohol portions are like as we used to drink at her house when I was single when we didn't have the money to go out so it was cheaper to get a bottle of vodka and tonic and drink that but she can't afford vodka so nowadays she drinks wine and it is a couple of glasses a night. Her ex called her out on it quite a few times in the run ins they have had since they split up.....

So I just had to say something to her today as she drove to work and was still way over the limit, she also doesn't eat properly and her finances are rubbish so I am really worried she will also lose her house sooner than later - she has been to debt advice about it but I don't know what is going on, all I know is that she is quite behind on her mortgage payments.

She admitted that she was probably off the rails and needed to rein it in - unfortunately we couldn't really talk that much as she was in work (she works for my fiance) and her lad was with her too (she couldn't drive him to school today either) To be honest that really saddened me - I know she loves her kids but what sort of message is that giving them? 

I feel like I lectured her like a mother today but it's out of concern and worry, she's not been herself since her last "relationship" ended. The guy was a total idiot and didn't treat her like a girlfriend but more like a friend with benefits. They kept falling out until one day she walked out on him and he didn't chase after her and then about a week later he was with someone else - she Facebook stalked him endlessly and seemed really intent on making a fool of herself - and she still Facebook stalks him using a fake profile.

So does anyone have any advice on how I can handle this please?

Posts

  • It sounds like you've attempted to discuss it with her; I'm not sure what else you can do. Are you prepared to alienate her in order to see her get help? If so, maybe you need to go further if talking to her yourself isn't working. how would you feel about talking to her family, or even making a tip-off to social services. I'm not suggesting you get her kids taken from her but they would give her support and it might be the shock she needs. You could talk to the kids' school as they should have a lot of avenues to refer for support.

    if you haven't already, could you offer to go to see her doctor with her? Could you arrange a time to talk to her without the kids around first?

    I'm not sating that these are the best suggestions, but just things you could consider dependant on the severity.

    It sounds like you are a good friend and this must be a really difficult situation to be in. Hope whatever you decide works. X

  • MrsMest2014MrsMest2014 Posts: 251 New bride

    Well done for having the guts to be up front with her about it. As MrsH said, offer to go to the doctors with her, try and get her the help she needs. She may push you away but it sounds like she accepts she has a problem that needs sorting - admission is a huge step. Without that, neither her nor you will get very far. It may not be an easy journey to help your friend come out of the other side but I hope you succeed. Is there anyone else who could support you and your bm - another relative, another friend? 

  • KK12KK12 Posts: 927

    Thanks for your replies ladies - I have had several chats with her since we last talked and keep trying to put her on the straight and narrow, all she wanted to know was who was talking about her so I was straight with her and told her and named who was worried about her.

    I assured her that no-one was being nasty about her which is true but that we are all concerned. However, she is out tonight which she says was arranged weeks ago - ok far enough but it isn't just the drinking where she is concerned, it is her finances too and as a single mum of 2, she needs to take a bit more responsibility.

    Sometimes it does feel like she just farms her kids out to their dad as she wants to go out and as he doesn't go out much and the kids want to go over to see him, that's fine for her. I keep thinking though what if he does want to go out and so does she!

    MrsM2b2014 - there are other friends concerned about her for sure but it's whether she will listen to us all. She's a bit stubborn!

  • MrsMest2014MrsMest2014 Posts: 251 New bride

    Keep talking, you're being a wonderful supportive friend, but I really do think she has to be encouraged to seek professional help. You can help and you can be her rock, but tackling it alone, just you, is a hard and consuming task. Supporting someone through an addiction can get very difficult, especially when it's impacting on her ability to lead a normal life. Addiction is often an escapism and if she's struggling in other areas of her life, such as her finances,  that could be the reason why she feels she needs to drink. Perhaps she needs to think about why she drinks. Take it slow and keep going. Perservere with her stubbornness but don't beat yourself up about it if you can't get through. Some people choose a path in life and all the support, love and care in the world won't make them change. I do hope that's not the case with your friend though xXx

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